


Edit The Sad Parts

by cruentum



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-29
Updated: 2011-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-23 05:40:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 93,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/246837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruentum/pseuds/cruentum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes more than a dick to make a guy. Merlin learns this as he goes from eating pussy as a sixteen-year old girl, to fucking other guys with his own cock as a twenty-seven-year old landscaper. The journey's riddled with tears, cocks, and enough self-hate to fill the Channel; but with a little help from his friends, and some mostly-stable relationships, Merlin gets his happily-ever-after in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freya

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Merlin **Paperlegends** Big Bang 2011.  
>  Art by **martinius** : [soundart](http://martinius.livejournal.com/178229.html)

Graham Norton was blaring up through the house from the living room below, Maddie's mum laughing at things every now and then. Maddie tried to tune it out as much as possible and make it regular Friday night background noise. Freya had her eyes closed, face turned to the window. The bedside lamp threw strange shadows across her and her bare stomach, the t-shirt rucked up a bit, swell of her breasts underneath. Maddie mushed the polka dots on Freya's knickers into a giant pulp of colour as she inched the fabric down Freya's hip, baring the first curls of pubic hair and more skin.

Awkward pretty much didn't begin to cover it, awkward with a hint of expectation of something great.

Maddie ran her fingers through the curls of hair and lower, tips inching closer to damp heat, and Freya opened up to that touch, her splaying legs pulling the fabric tight around her thighs.

So they'd kissed after hours of staring at one another, stupidly laughing half on and half off Maddie's bed, waiting for the other to make the first move, like every time, and now when Maddie inhaled it was Freya's scent, the dampness under Maddie's fingers.

"This okay?" Maddie asked as she brushed her fingers back and forth through the hair then made to pull the knickers off.

Freya didn't say either way, only nodded and lifted her hips to help.

The studio audience on the television downstairs laughed, Maddie's mum along with it, and Maddie's heart gave a double beat. She scooted down, her fingers pushing damp curls out of the way as Freya opened trembling legs, leaving Maddie to look down at slick folds. Everything was flushed dark pink and hard to see with the light coming from the wrong angle. Maddie put thumb and finger to the folds of skin and pushed them apart a little, drew her index finger down along the slit to the slick opening, mostly hidden.

Freya's breath hitched but she had her arm across her eyes, the other hand loosely clasped in the sheets.

Maddie's bedroom was nothing like a porn set and Maddie felt nothing like a porn star either. She moved a hand into her pants, just cupped herself and rocked into the touch, pressed her clit to her palm as she fingered at Freya's clit and kept watching what she could see of Freya's face. Freya moaned, legs splaying wider and she got slicker. Maddie moved her thumb up and down over Freya's clit, looking to do something that would make Freya moan again, her legs jerk a bit. When the tip of Maddie's finger circled Freya's hole, Freya's hand flew down, fingers closing around Maddie's wrist.

She still had her eyes closed tight, hips moving in little jerks, with Maddie's finger barely a centimetre inside her.

"Good," Freya bit out.

"Good," Maddie repeated.

Maddie leaned in, past their joined hands, and licked across Freya's clit, dragging her tongue in a slow circle around it. Freya bucked up into the touch, Maddie's finger sliding deeper inside at the same time.

"Fuck yeah," Freya said, head falling back as she let her hips thrust her crotch against Maddie's tongue and hand, bringing herself off.

Maddie rubbed her face on the sheets after, laughing, laughing harder then Freya joined in, and drew her close and had them curl up on the bed, Graham Norton fake laughing in the living room below.

"I think Jaz knows. She pulled me aside Friday during lunch..."

Freya was sticky and sweaty, but Maddie just laid her head on Freya's shoulder. "How'd she say it though? Like she knows? Or..."

"She was just saying how we're always together and seem so close and share something."

Maddie hid her laughter in Freya's shoulder, skimming her fingers down Freya's side to her thigh. The books Freya had brought were still in the tote bag with the stack of DVDs, porn on the bottom because apparently it was hard to get good lesbian porn and Freya felt responsible for sharing and educating.

"She said how it makes sense, like, it's like on television how with lesbian couples you always got this butch one and the femme one."

Maddie's fingers stilled and she propped herself up on her elbow. "She said I was butch?"

Freya tugged at Maddie's hair, shoulder-length and all, then ran her palm down Maddie's chest, over the bumps of her breasts, down her stomach to her knickers and inside, rubbing over her pubic hair. Maddie twisted away and sat cross-legged next to Freya, glaring at her reflection in the mirror, trying to see the butch behind the 'just the way she was'.

"She said dykey, actually," Freya said, fingers pulling at the band of Maddie's knickers, pulling them away from her body and letting them snag back again.

"I'm not a dyke!" Maddie brought out, everything in her protesting the notion as not right at all. She stood from the bed and walked to the long mirror, studied herself in it, face and hair and breasts and the curve to her hips.

"Haven't ever seen you in a skirt, or a tight top. You didn't even wear bras til last year, Mad." Freya was leaning half over the bed, sorting through the DVDs she'd brought, half-absentminded as she read the description on the back of one.

"It's just not me," Maddie gave back, her reflection blurring before her in strange way, overlaying what everyone else saw with what she saw.

"She thinks you'd make a cool bloke though."

Maddie pinched at her nipples, rolled them between her fingers and squeezed at her breasts, shoved them up and together and made an exaggerated kissy face at the mirror.

"Don't worry, I think you're all woman. I'd know, huh?"

Maddie squashed the niggling something at the back of her mind, the dreams of fucking into people. "Yeah," Maddie said over Freya's triumphant whoop as she held up one of the DVDs.

***

The moans came tinny through the speakers, barely loud enough to be audible over the whirr of the laptop's fan. Maddie balanced the laptop on her chest, breasts squashed underneath, head propped up enough to see the video on the screen. Her mum had gone to bed hours ago, turned off the light in that bedroom down the hall thirty minutes after closing the door. Maddie had waited in the dark for more minutes, breathing quietly and listening for noises outside her door before she'd lifted her laptop off the floor and pushed in the DVD, hit play.

Her bits were slick under her fingers as she circled her clit, then her opening. Maddie scooted lower on the bed. The laptop shifted with her, the fan blowing hot air into the covers, heating everything. On the screen one girl was holding the other's hair back to watch a tongue dragging over her clit and along the lips. Moans, heads thrown back, and Maddie arched her own hips into the touch, eyes closed to slits, as she imagined a tongue worming its way into her, fingers holding her apart to push deep.

The girls on the screen mouthed at breasts and nipples, hands roaming.

Maddie thrust her hips up, imagined curling her fingers into soft hair, have her dick disappear in a mouth and-

Maddie opened her eyes to the screen, scissoring fingers and a tongue pushing between them, the wet, warm moans of the girls on screen, imagined the same against her clit and her hole, hair dragging over her thighs until it didn't, her bits morphing into cock and balls while the bloke was moaning as he sucked her down.

Maddie came with a grunt she muffled in the pillow, hips pushing up as she imagined the feeling of come shooting from her dick.

When she opened her eyes the two girls on the screen were still getting each other off.

Awkward.

***

"Are you sure Freya's parents don't mind you staying over again?" Maddie's mum was turning their Sunday roast in the oven, the kitchen hot with steam from the boiling potatoes, the windows fogged up with the heat inside the house and the remnants of winter outside.

"No?" Maddie rolled her eyes and stole one of the green beans from the pot, still half raw, as she leaned against the table, sweat pants and loose t-shirt, woolen socks. "Ben's been texting me about doing the band now. It'll be good fun, I think."

Maddie's mum set plates on the table. "So what will you be doing in the _band_? Is this Freya's idea?"

"I'm writing the lyrics- and Freya sings and Ben plays drums and Freya plays guitar, she learned, like, five years ago and I'll play bass." Maddie said the last in the rush, hoping her mother wouldn't want to see the songs or ever hear them or ever come to any of their, well, gigs if they ever played.

"Who is Ben, again?"

"We've got English together." Maddie leaned over the pot with the potatoes, willed them to boil faster when her stomach growled.

Her mother clattered with the roast, cutting it up into slices as Maddie drained potatoes and beans and filled portions on their plates.

"Have I met Ben?"

"Probably at the fair thing," Maddie said as she sat at the table, cutting up the roast into bite sized pieces, mashing the potatoes and smooshing it all into a big pile of mush before digging in.

Her mother shook her head at her but Maddie just grinned back.

The television was running in the next room, ITV news reporting on the latest gossip as they ate.

" _\- constitutes the singer's lesbian coming out. She told Entertainment Weekly in the States that she wanted to control disclosing her sexual orientation under threat of papers to release photos, but that she realizes the responsibility she has to young people out there and wants to advocate for gay rights in the States as well as all over the world._ "

Her mother craned her neck to catch a glimpse of the photo on the television. "Hm, everyone's gay now it seems," she said with a small laugh. "You never used to hear of it."

Maddie's throat tightened as her grip on her fork did. She swallowed the potato mush in her mouth, suddenly without appetite. "Yeah," she replied.

***

"Stayed at Freya's!" Maddie called as she ran up the stairs to the room, her mother's reply getting lost in the sound of her steps and the doors. She looked at herself in the mirror on the back of her door, brushing back the hood of her jacket to bare her neck and the lovebite in vivid red.

The curtains were half drawn behind the bed, the bed unmade, her laptop and books and films occupying half the mattress.

Maddie pulled the hoodie over her head and dropped it on the floor, dropped onto her desk chair and turned on her computer. She swivelled on the chair as it booted up and picked one of the books from the stack of lesbian activism books that Freya had brought over and demanded she had to read right that very second.

Two dykes were snogging on the cover, short and muscley and pretty much all kinds of not Maddie's type. Her swivel brought her to face herself in the mirror again, flannel buttondown she'd grabbed years ago from Dad's clothes since her mum had never put those away and jeans, hair hanging into her face. She looked back at the book cover, then at herself and pushed her hair back, holding it away from her face and tried to squint to imagine it short.

She didn't want to be _that_! She tossed the book back on the stack. The books toppled and crashed to the floor but her computer was booted up and she brought up her feeds for updates: Dashboard and Timeline and the RSS feeds she was following, her Twitter for a quick glance over people she couldn't care less about.

Freya had posted a ♥ and Maddie stared at it grinning for a few moments before she closed the tab.

The gifs slowed down everything but when they did load (girls kissing, girls holding hands, girls naked with hands on each other's parts), Maddie reblogged everything she liked for whatever reason, the positioning of their hands or when it seemed like they weren't posing. Some of the others she was just staring it, watching it loop and repeat from the beginning, a slide of a hand down someone's hip and into her jeans. Maddie leaned back in her chair, one foot on the chair, and rocked against the heel pressed to her crotch as she scrolled down, the opened another tab for another feed, MISC.

 _Missing you already_ appeared in the chat window

 _Me too_ , Maddie typed in reply as she saved another gif to her computer, folders carefully titled and sorted. She clicked through her faves, a girl who looked a bit like Freya fingering herself and on further.

One folder, tucked in a folder in a folder in a folder and one feed on her computer had cocks brushing along girls' thigh and boys' thigh. MISC it said in Maddie's bookmarks, mocking her as she opened it over Freya's declarations of lesbian pride. On the computer girls were still rubbing off against one another in one tab and then not when Maddie opened the other tab.

MISC and GAY.

She bucked against her foot when a cock slid down someone's throat, lodged deep and came back out again glistening with spit.

 _Want to kiss you again  
touch you_, Freya typed

Maddie pressed the heel of her hand to her crotch, closed her almost all the way and wondered what it'd be like to have a cock. Thick and hard and red, to push into someone.

 _Love you_ , Freya typed.

Maddie closed the cocks down and looked at the soft, soft girls again, but somewhere in the back of her head and her reflection in her mirror and how looking up and seeing curves startled her every single time, cocks were still lurking.

 _See you tomorrow_ , Maddie replied, underwear soaked but at the sight of tongues circling clits not really satisfied.

***

"I don't know if that's really- it probably sounds stupid," Maddie said.

Freya's lips were pressed to Maddie's cheek, warm breath sneaking into the neckline of Maddie's shirt. Freya brushed her knuckles up Maddie's stomach, just underneath the fabric. Freya's parents were outside, every now and then her mum shouting something about cutting grass or carrots filtered through the window but otherwise it was them in the semi-darkness of under-the-blanket.

"Hm?" Freya asked and shifted, her knees knocking against Maddie's. They both shuffled until Maddie's leg was caught between Freya's, everything feeling hot and sticky and like there wasn't quite enough air.

"I guess maybe it's normal? That you- I think it's normal that everyone's got feminine and masculine parts, right? And that some people have a bit more masculine or a bit more feminine parts."

"Mm-hm." Freya puckered her lips to a kiss against Maddie's jawline, tickling, and Maddie promptly laughed and pushed at Freya with her shoulder.

"I don't, it's like, I don't wear these tops and the skirts and make-up and it'd be weird to do it." Maddie picked at the seam of Freya's jeans, playing with the thread.

"No one's making you, that's- you have to read the books I give you." Freya huffed a sigh, and Maddie had her eyes closed but she could virtually see the eye roll. "All those things, they're just stereotyping and patriarchal bullshit. Not doing that, that's exactly what we have to do. We shouldn't let men dictate what we are supposed to wear and what is supposedly sexy."

Maddie shrugged and buried her face in Freya's chest, breasts squashed up to her cheeks. "But it's the bitches at school who say."

"They're just the product of that system."

Maddie fell quiet and breathed in Freya's scent of washing powder and deodorant and an afternoon spent under the blankets fully clothed. The books were stacked on her desk, somewhere under all the other junk and the bit of lesbian pride and feminist stuff that seemed like it was trying too damn hard (like Lady Gaga, even if Freya didn't like hearing that either).

"I'm probably just weird," Maddie said, her voice muffled in fabric. "But when I, when I touch myself, sometimes I think about having a dick, and having someone suck it, and it's good."

" _They_ just make you think you want a dick because dicks have the biggest mouths."

***

"They'll change it before school's out anyway," Maddie said as she portioned up the spaghettis, drizzled sauce over them.

"It's still important though?" Her mum slid the sliced bread onto a plate.

"It's some kind of updated version they want us to pass." Maddie shrugged. English shouldn't be the issue. Math was a bit tricky but it was the GCSEs, not that big a deal if your brains weren't scrambled mush. "Ready?"

"Ready." Her mum nodded at her and they took their plates to the living room, set them on the table as they settled on the sofa, the BBC news morphing into the Sunday night film.

"It's totally him!" Maddie pointed the fork at the screen.

"He wouldn't though, he was the one who called it in. No one would call that in."

Ten minutes later, Maddie's mum screeched when the window opened to a darkened room and a woman's scream filled the air.

"Told you it was him," Maddie said, laughing. Over munching spaghetti then some ice cream they both turned out to be dead wrong.

A documentary followed the film, running as they were already beginning to clear away the dishes.

" _I tried to kill myself. I used drugs, alcohol and weed at first, then other stuff, and for a while it was fine, it went away and I wouldn't think about it, and then I'd wake up and see myself and see my penis and potbelly and stubble on my face, and I had to start all over again just to not break down crying every second of every day,_ " the man on the screen said, wig ill-fitting, features too large and the voice too high to pass for a woman. _Ina, 47, post-operative male-to-female transsexual_ it said on the bottom of the screen.

" _I always knew I wanted to be a girl, and my mum would laugh and let me dress up in the clothes until I was maybe 7 or 8, when I came to school, and the teachers probably took her aside and told her that that wasn't appropriate and I remember, every morning, I'd wail and cry and tell her that I didn't want to wear these stupid trousers and she gave in eventually when I was 10 maybe._ " The girl laughed, _Tara, 21_. " _We had the biggest rows but since then, it made everything easier. I can't say I've ever had issues, not really, there wasn't much you could say really when I looked that much like a girl from the get-go._ "

Maddie put her plate back down and sat on the edge of the couch, watching.

" _I always knew it wasn't quite right and so I slept with women and it didn't really work, and then I married and had kids because it's what you did, but I always knew that I couldn't really be that woman, that that wasn't me. That I was a man, it took a while to sink in. Now I don't know how I ever doubted myself but I did, for a long time_ ," _Thomas, 35,_ said, ankle on the knee, smiling as he looked at the camera.

The voiceover took over from there, spewed statistics of transsexuals in Britain, transsexuality at the far end of the spectrum of gender dysphoria and gender identity disorder, but Maddie wasn't watching for that. It was nothing she'd not seen before, words that didn't quite seem to fit things just being wonky in her head. She watched for everything else, the glimpses of the hospital, of people in it, the mishmash of genders and sexes and everything in-between.

" _I didn't even hear the word transsexual until one of these public cases and suddenly everyone was talking about it. It clicked then, that that is probably what I was and it gave me something to work from. Finally it made sense in my head, there was a word and it was not me being crazy and there were things I could do. Hormones, changing my name, surgeries. Things I'd never though possible, and it made it easy, then,_ " Thomas said in a voiceover to a shot of him injecting testosterone into his leg, bare-chested, then pulling on a shirt that hid the scars across his chest where his breasts had been. " _I'm happier now, I never thought I could be this happy, to be honest,_ " he told the camera.

Maddie scraped her fork along the crusted sauce on the plate. She pushed her arm against her breasts, felt the fullness and thought how Freya could never get enough of seeing her breasts through tight tops and how it felt strange and not-right. How nothing felt right and how she didn't feel like all the other girls she knew.

The documentary went on to explain surgeries and Maddie blanched when they went into detail of what would be cut up how and to what effect, crossed her legs at that, but couldn't stop watching. It wasn't that she wanted to be a boy, like that, not really, like that. Girls could not like make-up and stuff.

"What are you watching?" Maddie's mum asked as she came to clear away Maddie's plate. She stopped to watch for a few moments, eyebrows raised, then went back into the kitchen; the water ran.

" _I would have killed myself when I was 17 or 18, I stood on the bridge and was ready to jump because I didn't know how to live with all that inside me, and then I couldn't because I thought there had to be something for people like me, and there was. I'm glad I didn't jump that night._ "

Maddie tried to imagine what it had to be like to be that desperate, that helpless but whatever she was, she wasn't that.

***

Maddie pressed stop on the screen as the credits were still rolling, the music playing, the freeze frame awkwardy caught on _Brandon Teena_ and _Hilary Swank_. Her face was wet, throat raw and the sobs still stuck in her throat and chest, and it wasn't anything she could even explain. Nothing made sense in her head, why it hurt so much to see it, why it made her retch dry sobs, why it made her want to throw up right there and then, and still she couldn't stop watching for Brandon's hair and the way he lived his life and then how he died, just like that, and before that how everything else happened.

The house was quiet, night outside and everything in her body was tense and wrong and hard and full of feelings. She sobbed again, drew a ragged breath and another, then pressed her fist to her mouth to keep from making the stupid noises that would wake her mum.

***

Past Wikipedia, the number of websites grew exponentially, and after thirty minutes Maddie's head was swimming with terms, explanations and diagnoses and none of them seemed to talk about people being just fine with staying how they were and still knowing they were different.

Maddie pushed away from the computer, the desk chair rolling to the middle of the room, stopped by a heap of clothes. She cupped her breasts through her shirt, pulling the fabric tight, then glanced back at the computer screen where scars on chests after surgery stood out in garish red.

She rolled her chair back to the computer and clicked on more links; support sites, FAQs, chats, forums, groups.

***

"Right but I think we shouldn't play that here, but here..." Maddie indicated where on the sheet, drawing a D instead of the original G above the text while Freya hummed the line to herself.

" _Pretty in ocean futures  
pretty in coloured glass  
pretty in-_"

" _-diamond sutures, remembering... daylight's... cast_ ," Maddie sang under her breath as she played out the chords with it. Freya stole a kiss from her lips, then sprang back then the door opened and they both laughed, flushed.

Ben raised his hand in hello and waded across cords to the drums, oblivious and lost in whatever was playing over his earbuds. Ben was one of the good guys, someone who who shouldn't be hanging with them but didn't give a fuck either way if he got to play the drums. They were defying the hierarchy of the school, really.

Maddie could still taste Freya on her lips (bit of lipgloss or something) and smell her hair. Nice, made her feel warm, too, with the promise of more kisses later, Freya's hand under Maddie's shirt, touching her.

"Are you coming over to do the Shakespeare thing?" Freya asked when they were packing up, after they'd nodded their goodbyes to Ben. Freya had her fingers hooked into the beltloops of Maddie's jeans, playing with the hem of Maddie's buttondown.

"'Course," Maddie replied, grinned and leaned in to kiss Freya slowly, tongue swiping over Freya's bottom lip then dipping inside. Freya's fingers clenched on Maddie's hip, crotch pressing close, and even through the jeans it was all hot. She moved her hand up, under Maddie's shirt, her fingertips playing over naked skin. Maddie shifted her thigh to have Freya's leg press to her crotch, rubbing up against it for just a moment, when Freya's tongue tangled with her own. Freya looked a little dazed when she pulled away, grinning, both of them wiping their lips and shooting glances and stealing kisses as they grabbed the last of their stuff.

They held hands in the deserted school corridors, Maddie's heart beating fast as her eyes skated around.

Maddie laughed when Freya pulled her into one of the bathrooms, high pitched and silly and stupidly giggly with a bit of relief at having come across no one, when she hit the wall. The tiles were cold through Maddie's thin shirt, but Freya stood close enough to be all warm, her fingers playing with Maddie's hair.

"I love you, you know," Freya said.

Maddie closed her eyes and let Freya kiss her, kissed her back. The words there were in her head, _i love you_ and I love her, it was in her fucking tumblr for the rest of the world to see but she couldn't quite squeeze it out.

Freya didn't push, just kissed her, let Maddie suck on her bottom lip until they let go with laughter and just stood there, with Freya's arms around Maddie's neck, hand smoothing down her back, and Maddie hugging Freya around her waist. Maddie had her face buried in Freya's neck, breathed her in. She repeated _I love you_ in her head.

"Let's go then?" Freya took Maddie's hand again and they took the long way home to Freya's, through the park and watching a few fish break the surface of the water, blowing bubbles at them.

"I just don't know if you can have circles of identities that don't touch." Freya kicked at a pebble on the path. It rolled into the water ahead of them.

"No, but-"

"No, I mean, sure there's circles of identity and there are separate entities within those but they share the person as the common element. You can't be two people."

Maddie picked a stick up from the side and drummed it against her thigh. "You can present images of these two people though, you can- I'm not saying it's fluid but you can be more than one person to different people."

"Not at the expense of entirely hiding one aspect and that's, that's what they're saying, you'll always have to sacrifice who you are then by hiding and just projecting a different image to the world."

Maddie bit back, _but what if you don't know any other way?_ and just harrumphed in Freya's general direction, then laughed and shrugged. "I just don't think it's that simple."

"I just don't think that you can just flip and switch and if you do, well, it's a bit cowardly, that's all. Hiding is, it's cowardly."

A group of guys, roughly their age, came their way and they dropped their joined hands without comment. Maddie eyed them, was eyed back.

"Whatchya looking at?" one of them hissed.

Maddie didn't reply anything, waited for the insult, but they were already past and none came. They didn't join hands again, didn't talk about it either and walked side by side to Freya's house.

"Mum, Maddie's staying over. School stuff. Kay?" Freya didn't wait for her mum's reply from somewhere in the house, only started up the stairs and Maddie followed her up, their steps thundering through the corridor.

Freya's room was a bit of a mess, clothes strewn around, but Freya only added to it when she dropped her bag on her desk chair and drew the blinds, shoving a few pieces of laundry and school books aside with her foot.

Maddie stood just inside the door and closed it and leaned against it, dropping her bag at her feet.

"Hey," Freya said and walked back over to Maddie. She lifted her palm to the side of Maddie's face, turned it up a bit and kissed her. She was palming Maddie's breast with her free hand then moved the hand down to the waistband of Maddie's jeans.

Maddie sucked on Freya's tongue, relished her laugh and couldn't help the whimper when Freya palmed her crotch through the denim, made her spread her legs to it and ride the touch.

"Let me, yeah?" Freya asked.

Maddie nodded and watched as Freya sank to her knees and opened Maddie's jeans, dragging jeans and panties down Maddie's legs. Maddie tensed and relaxed, feeling wet and aroused, and she jerked at the first touch of Freya's fingers to her bits, pushed into it and pulled away until Freya pushed her hips flush to the door and shhh-ed into Maddie's crotch.

Freya's lips were hot and soft and wet on Maddie's clit, sucking. Maddie spread her legs to that as much as she could with the jeans around her ankles, bowlegged and awkward with Freya's arm across Maddie's hips to keep her in place as she dragged her tongue across Maddie's clit and down to where Maddie was all slick and hot, before Freya went back to Maddie's clit and sucked.

"It's like a little cock," Freya said as she brushed Maddie's hair away, freeing sight of Maddie's clit. Maddie glanced down and Freya glanced up as she extended her tongue and swirled it around the prominent bit of flesh. She laughed. "You're so big it's crazy." She sucked Maddie's clit in between her lips, sucked it like she would a cock as her fingers rubbed along Maddie's slit then slowly pushed one inside.

Maddie clenched her fingers in Freya's hair and thrust her hips forward into the suction and the slide of Freya's finger inside, teasing around the rim and crooking. She squished when Freya pulled her finger free, laughed at how stupid it sounded but Freya only used her tongue on Maddie's clit, fast, hard licks and pushed her finger back in. Freya's hair fell into her face where she had it buried against Maddie's crotch and it wasn't a stretch to imagine fucking a cock into Freya's mouth, _having_ a cock to fuck into Freya's mouth.

"Can you come like this?" Freya asked when she came up for breath, panting into Maddie's pubic hair. Maddie couldn't look away as Freya looked up. "Shhh," Freya said as Maddie felt another finger at her entrance, slowly pushing inside and stretching her. She gave an aborted cry but Freya only soothed her again, never looked away as she pushed both fingers deeper. "I can still feel it, all tight," Freya said and Maddie could as well, skin tight and not stretching around Freya's fingers.

"Don't," Maddie said because it hurt a bit and because, just because, and Freya nodded and slid one finger out, then put her face back to Maddie's crotch. "Can you- this is rubbish," she said a moment later and motioned Maddie to step out of the jeans, then led her to the bed and made her sit down, pushed her to lie back as she knelt between Maddie's spread legs on the floor. "Better," she whispered and licked across Maddie's hole, traced her tongue around it and then pushed the tip of it in.

So weird and foreign and bloody good that Maddie canted her hips up to it, thrust against Freya's face. Freya rubbed Maddie's clit between her fingers, jacking it like a cock, while she fucked her tongue into Maddie's hole.

"Fuck, I'm-" Maddie pressed out between moans into the back of her hand, hips moving of their own volition now as Freya brought her mouth to Maddie's clit and pushed a finger into her, fucking her. "Fuck, I ... fuck!" Maddie bucked her hips and then held them tense, while she clenched and unclenched on Freya's finger, the smallest thrusts of her hips until everything went tense for a long fucking moment, exploding into rolling pleasure down her body. She pushed into the touch a few more times, moving through the aftershocks, then sank back down into the pillow, head lolling to the side as she exhaled shakily.

"So hot," Freya whispered. She pushed the shirt further up Maddie's body, drew circles and lines over Maddie's bare skin as she moved up on the bed.

Maddie's legs were shaking and a bit stiff from being stretched and she jerked again with a small flare of arousal when she rolled onto her side and Freya fitted herself in behind her.

"So fucking hot, I love you so much," Freya said into the back of Maddie's neck, nosing through her hair, and just breathing in and out.

Everything in Maddie's bits was pulsing and hot and sensitive. She reached down and cupped herself, feeling her clit brush against the palm of her hand. _Like a cock,_ she thought through Freya's whispers of love, and she wasn't sure where that feeling of glee in her chest came from or what exactly it was doing there.

***

The website with the mangled dicks looked pretty impressive on her desktop monitor, pretty gory and DNW as well. Maddie picked up her mobile when it vibrated, glanced down at Freya's text, _you busy? bored_ , then set it on the desk again.

Maddie placed a hand over her crotch, imagined feeling a bulge underneath, imagined her breasts being flat and not sticking out in her reflection in the mirror of her wardrobe that she could just see from the corner of her eye.

She clicked on further past the surgery and the hormones, past the legal implications and gender recognition things she only half understood to the forums and the livechat.

 _Adrian_ , 17, had posted an intro in one of the forums. _Juuuuust about starting on T. Excited!!!!!_ was the last line and Maddie scrolled through the rest of the youth section, people her age talking surgeries and identities and seemingly knowing much better what they were all on about.

She clicked on the chat and it popped open and connected and the list of users ran down the side.

Maddie's fingers hovered over the keyboard but before she could type anything,

 **Seahorse** : _hi Merlin_

popped up.

Maddie did a doubletake at the username she'd logged in with, one of dumb, randomly generated ones, along with some other people's MrPeppy and Dragoon. She wrote a quick _Hi_ in reply then sat back, only watching.

 _I've always known,_ Seahorse typed in chat, apparently referring to whatever had been said upthread. _Every1's cool w/ it now._

 _Gettin ladies?_ one of the other guys replied.

 _Oh yeah baby_

Maddie snorted laughter and had another sip of coke as she watched the chat go on, talk about binding, stand to pee devices and packers, hormones, surgeries, people.

 _Some cunts talk bullshit but let em, yknow, fucking let em_

 _Pisses me off every time to see them just staring at me, and they walk past and whisper and you're like I'm fucking here, I'm not deaf_

 _Always good for a joke but it's not like I chose it wankers_

Maddie hesitated, then typed, _How would I know for sure I'm trans?_

 _Youd just know,_ one of them replied. _Like how you want a dick and your breasts suck and you want to jump off a bridge every month when you bleed down there._

Maddie hesitated, then closed the tab, quickly, logged out, and sat in the quiet of her room.

***

"You have one here and one here," Freya said as she leaned across and kissed the freckles either side of Maddie's right breast, nuzzled against the skin. "They're keeping it safe."

Maddie curled a few strands of Freya's hair around her fingers. Some shitty film was running on her laptop, and they'd both tuned out hours ago.

Frey's breast dragged along Maddie's stomach, warm and heavy, their legs tanging halfway off the bed. Freya pressed her lips to Maddie's nipple and gave slow suck, making Maddie grin.

"They're perfect, you know." Freya pushed up on her elbows and looked down at Maddie's breasts.

Maddie looked down herself and dragged her fingers over the curve of them. "You think?"

"They're round and full and just the right size." Freya kissed the underside of one and licked a line along the crease underneath where they were stuck to Maddie's body. "S'why I like girls," Freya said with a hidden grin, laughter in a her voice.

Maddie looked down at her head, the hair dragging over Maddie's bare skin, and Maddie twirled her index finger around the other breast, watched her nipple pucker up, then reached down further and cupped Freya's breasts. She brushed the palm of her hand around it. Logically she knew that Freya's breasts and hers were just the same, that Freya brushing kisses over hers was the same as Maddie kissing or fondling Freya's breasts. Logically.

In all other ways there were her breasts as part of her body and Freya's breasts as everything feminine and soft. Not logically, they were completely different.

"Mm love you like this," Freya murmured and snuck her hand into Maddie's jeans.

Maddie opened her legs to the touch and closed her eyes at the finger just barely playing with her opening.

"Such a good girl," Freya whispered.

Later that night with Freya gone home, Maddie stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, freezing on the cold tiles. She pulled her t-shirt off and her boxers down and looked at her reflection, the love bites and the too pale skin, the awkward face and the weird hair hanging to her shoulders.

She cupped her breasts, one in each hand, squeezed at them with her fingers, and while she knew this was her, it wasn't. The breasts looked stuck on like bad photoshop and like they didn't quite belong there.

"Maddie, will you be long?" her mother shouted through the closed door.

"Just a sec," Maddie shouted back and put her t-shirt on again, the bumps even more grotesque now, pulled her boxers on and flushed the toilet for good measure.

She sat at the computer back in her room, bringing up some of the blogs from transguys, guys her age no less. _I couldn't wait to chop it all off and finally look like I should. I was devastated when they first grew and every single day wished they'd just go away._

Maddie cupped herself through her shirt, rubbed a thumb over her nipples. Something had to be wrong with her if she didn't even feel that. They were still hers, but that didn't make them female.

***

Freya brushed her thumb over Maddie's knuckles and leaned in to kiss her, their feet dangling in the stream. Maddie brushed her lips over Freya's, eyes closing, when a few shouts and laughter down the path made Maddie shrink back, pulling her hand from Freya's.

"I wish we didn't have to hide, you know," Freya said, splashing up water with her foot, then she stretched out on her back, fingers tugging at the hem of Maddie's buttondown.

Maddie shrugged. She reached up to pull one of the twigs from the nearby bush, painting small avoidance runes onto her thigh.

"Seriously."

"Yeah," Maddie said. "Would be great." The blokes were still loud in the distance, and the idea of them knowing, people knowing, made things clench in Maddie's stomach.

"We should. No one's out at the school and whatever they'd say it's not as bad as giving in to being oppressed and silenced."

Maddie trailed the twig over her soles in the water, scratching the tip over her skin.

"It's not the dark ages anymore. Just because I want to kiss you and hold you and do things to you, that's nothing bad. I shouldn't have to hide that. We shouldn't have to hide who we are. It'd be like that article, I sent you the link, that girl in the States at her prom. We could be like that."

Freya's voice carried over the clearing and Maddie fought the urge to shush her and nodded. "It'd be great, yeah," she echoed and clasped her fingers around Freya's when Freya's hand slid into hers. Freya scooted closer and hugged Maddie's legs, pressing her face to Maddie's thigh. Maddie brushed the hair from her face.

"What if we're not though?" Maddie asked, heart beating in her throat. "What if we're not lesbian and it's just a phase and we're- just, what if we're not really?"

"I read it's normal to be scared and think the worst," Freya replied after a moment. "And that in most cases it doesn't happen and everything's fine and at least we can be ourselves then and not always have to do this."

The group of guys passed again and even though everything in Maddie tensed and wanted to push away from Freya she stayed where she was.

***

Thirty minutes to go on the mock exam, and Maddie was dragging out the answer to the final question, the significance of Hadrian's wall to Roman strategy and politics. Everyone else was still scribbling furiously, huffing deep breaths every once in a while.

The end of the year was looming with the summer break and too much time to think, too much time to worry about starting college, new people and some of the same old.

Hadrian's Wall seemed like a good place to go to and get away from it, but Freya would want to spend the afternoon, and Maddie figured it was nice, at least, comfortable. Maddie doodled a cock on the draft sheet, then blacked it out firmly.

She closed her eyes and the gifs and photos immediately came to mind: hard cocks sliding against one another and then Freya's figure of breasts and hair and wet, slick stuff that made Maddie pull a face involuntarily, then quickly smile at it.

The scratch of chalk on the board made Maddie snap back to the exam and the task at hand, the wall and keeping everything secret and locked away.

***

"Do you want Coke or Pepsi, Mad?" Freya asked as they walked up to the sodas in the Tesco aisle, their basket already bursting with too much bad food for a night at Freya's.

"Either's fine?" Maddie was studying her shoes instead, shrinking back when highpitched laughter carried around the corner, voices just a tad too familiar.

Someone whistled, and Maddie dropped Freya's hand, glanced up at the group of people from their school.

Freya looked up as well, studied them for a moment, then brushed past them for the frozen food section, Maddie trailing behind.

"Everyone knows you're in each other's pussies."

"Yeah?" Maddie bit off. "Piss off."

They catcalled after them but didn't follow.

"They're just talk," Freya said, giving Maddie a small smile. "Just wish you wouldn't..." She looked down at her dangling, unjoined hands, then shrugged. "Pepperoni fine?"

***

 ~~90 / 10  
80 / 20  
75 / 25  
60 / 40~~

Maddie carefully struck out the last of the numbers and wrote

 _50 / 50_

underneath. She could reverse the symbols at top now and it would still mean the same. How could you be male and female at the same time?

***

"They do a festival, it's only lesbians, meeting just to exchange thoughts and ideas on lesbian pride where they can be heard and hear each other for once without being shouted down."

They were holding hands in the village, and Maddie kept her eyes on the ground, tried not to flinch every time people passed by them, hand clammy while Freya was talking, laughing, and everything in Maddie clenched when people looked at them, took in their joined hands, then how Maddie looked, caught on her breasts and hips and every single thing felt wrong about it and not how it should be.

"I signed us up. They especially invited young lesbians from the country to bring their complaints about invisibility to the forefront."

"I don't know if I'm lesbian," Maddie pressed out on an exhale.

Freya's steps slowed but she just shrugged. "You love me though, yes?"

"Yeah," Maddie replied even though everything was jumbled in her head. "I like you."

"And you like touching me and kissing me. That's just your internalized homophobia and especially lesbophobia talking. That's just society trying to make you think you're all wrong, but you're not. We're not wrong." Freya grinned at her, low cut dress showing the swell of her breast and her curves. She was as far from dykey as Maddie was close to it, and when another of the villagers studied them carefully and went on to raise his eyebrows, Maddie just felt dirty and wrong.

"So we're going. It'll be good. It'll give us a chance to meet others and not keep it a secret and then, after, you can tell your mum and we'll be great."

The sun felt too hot on Maddie's skin and her stomach rolled just at the thought. "Sure," she said though.

***

"Mum, so.."

Freya was pressed to Maddie's shoulder, half-hiding behind her, her fingers clammy in Maddie's. Three candles were burning on the cake on the kitchen table, the stack of presents around it.

Maddie swallowed hard once, glanced at Freya, willed everything to stop being surreal but her oice sounded strange when she opened her mouth, like it wasn't even coming from her.

"I just wanted to you to know that-" she stepped aside to free the view of their clasped hands. Freya was quiet, eyes nervous but there was nowhere to go but forward now. "It doesn't mean anything like that is what- that I'm lesbian now I just wanted you to know that I'm with Freya now and that this, right now, well, that we're together."

Her mouth had gone try somewhere halfway through that, heart beating high in her throat, breath caught in her chest. Freya squeezed her fingers.

Her mum looked from Maddie to Freya and back, then shook her head. "No. You can't- Does anyone else know?" Blood rushed in Maddie's ears when her mum laughed, then didn't, her knuckles white on the back of the chair.

"What? I-"

"Have you told anyone else? Are you planning on telling anyone else?"

"We haven't. I just thought that you should know that we're together, just that because I didn't want to keep it a secret from you and... yeah."

Dread settled in Maddie's stomach, cold sweat down her back and if she could take it back now, right about now and curse this stupid idea of honesty and sharing and coming out big style she would.

"It doesn't mean anything other than that we're together."

Her mum just shook her head and shrugged and looked at the birthday cake. "Tell me you won't tell anyone, not when you don't know what could happen, Maddie."

Maddie's heart thrummed. "But this isn't- it doesn't mean that I'll only like girls, it just means that right now that Freya and I-"

"Don't make your life hard for yourself... yourselves," her mum interrupted, including Freya in a glance. Her eyes dipped down again, taking in their joint hands and she just shook her head again. "How can you even know that-"

"I just know," Maddie replied, tears rising in her throat because this wasn't supposed to happen. This isn't happening, she told herself, but it was, right here, with her chest tight and her toes curled on the linoleum and she opened her mouth to say something else but couldn't think of anything.

"Do your parents know?" her mum asked, addressing Freya.

Freya shook her head and Maddie's mum gave a strange little laugh and looked at them again. "Don't tell them, don't- just keep it a secret."

Then it was only the silence between them and the birthday candles burned down and out on the cake and Freya tightened her cold fingers around Maddie's.

"Let's have the cake then," Maddie's mum said with a tight smile and cut cup the cake, portioned it up into neat slices and set them on plates. She went to pour the coffee and sat at the table.

Everything was quiet and loud at once as Maddie sat and Freya sat across from her.

"Happy birthday," Maddie's mum said and began to eat, lips tight.

Maddie's stomach rolled, ready to throw up, but she picked up the fork and brought the bit of chocolate cake to her mouth and chewed. The kitchen radio was playing in the background.

"What about that new teacher you have? Do you like him?" Maddie's mum asked five minutes in, and Maddie couldn't look at her, couldn't look at Freya either, just wanted it to be over, but the minutes just kept stretching.

***

The light was out, and any moment now lying there with her eyes closed would get a reward of sleep. Her head was replaying her mother's words, her mother's face, Freya's cool hand and the way nothing could be taken back in a 'no wait, sorry, actually' or a 'joke, really' kind of way. Dread sat in her stomach as she turned in her bed and turned the story over in her mind to start from the beginning once more. The PFLAG website was still open on her computer on the desk with the advice not to choose significant dates.

Maddie leaned over the side of the bed, dryheaving, and curled her arm around her middle. Even behind closed eyelids everything swam in a repeat of the words, her heart beating faster, chest choking in dry sobs. She slid out of bed, freezing with old boxers and t-shirt and sat at her laptop. Teeth shattering she brought up the screen with a few clicks, kept one hand wrapped around her middle.

It had been a stupid idea, and when her folder with all the photos loaded, breasts and hips and spread legs, black and white and colour photos, it took only a few clicks and shifts until it was gone. She moved through all her folders, the surface ones with photos of Freya they'd taken goofy on the webcam and silly in bed, kissing up close and their hands tangled, and moved them to Trash, systematically erasing everything that was balled in her chest and had never sat quite right anyway.

MISC and GAY sat in the middle of the screen, and Maddie opened the folder up to images of thrusting and fucking and stubbled-chin kissing.

When her laptop was clean her fingers were stiff with cold, her body shaking non-stop, and Maddie crawled under the covers and pulled the blanket over her head. She pushed her hips to the mattress, rutting against it, imagining it was an ass she was pushing against and into, her cock hard and her breasts gone, and the thought of someone kissing her, all big hands and broad chest and just holding her tight.

She fell asleep. She woke up, and it only took a few seconds for the choked feeling to settle back in her throat, only a few moments more to find her crotch bare to want to hate the world a bit more.

"Tea?" her mother asked as Maddie sat the table, throat tight, toast too dry.

Maddie nodded and watched her mum pour the tea. She didn't look up at her face, only forced more of the dry toast into her mouth until it was all crumbs, she took a sip and it was all mush, then forced herself to swallow. The radio was playing a pop tune over their silence. Maddie's heart was beating hard in her chest, pumping against her ribcage. Knuckles white and palms sweaty she lifted the tea cup to her lips again for another sip, another swallow, just to do something.

"Well, I'll be working late tonight," her mum said as she cleared away her plates.

Maddie stared down at the half slice of toast and nodded at the table top, only breathed a little easier when her mum left the room. She rubbed her hands over her eyes and stuck her fist to her mouth to keep the stupid sobs inside

***

"You okay?" Freya asked at the gates, the sun already too bright.

Maddie shrugged, feeling a bit sick to her stomach.

"She'll come round. They do. It's the initial-"

"-right," Maddie cut her off.

"She didn't kick you out and if she had, we could stay at mine."

Maddie shook her head, wrapped her arms around herself. "It's fine," she said. Catcalls came from further down the street and Maddie felt like getting sick again, felt like going home too, if not for everything in her protesting going home.

Freya took Maddie's hand and Maddie gave her a small smile and didn't pull away then, just walked into the building with her.

***

 _MERLS!_ Seahorse greeted Maddie in the room. The others joined in with cheers and Maddie crouched forward on her chair, grinning like an idiot at the screen.

 _And then I got piss everywhere, on my jeans and the floor. At school! AT FUCKING SCHOOL!_

Maddie added a LOL with the others. She had one of the little paper triangles tucked away in her jeans pocket as well but she'd never dared to use it.

 _Have you told your gf yet Merlin?_ Seahorse asked in a lull in the conversation.

Maddie swivelled around and leaned forward to type, her phone with Freya's latest 'love you' text on top of the 'love you' lesbian literature that didn't feel right any more now than it did before.

 _I don't even know what to tell,_ Maddie wrote. _She'd flip anyway, even if it's only me saying that it's just how I feel right now or whatever._

 _Tell her you're trans._

Maddie bit at the side of her thumb, then put the fingers to the keyboard again. _Not sure I am though._ She grimaced. _Not sure I'm not either._

***

Freya fucked back on Maddie's tongue, her legs crossed behind Maddie's, hand in Maddie's hair pressing her against her crotch. Maddie's face was slick, tongue and jaw a bit numb, and the charts update on the radio was still only just barely within the top ten.

"So good, just a bit more," Freya said with her hands clenched in Maddie's and Maddie stabbed her tongue at Freya's hole, breathing through the taste and smell and waiting until the song was over and the next one had started, calculating the minutes she'd spent on her knees, then slowly pulled out from the cross of Freya's legs. Maddie pressed a few kisses to the insides of Freya's thighs and crawled up on bed with Freya, curling up behind her.

"Jaw hurt," Maddie said over the announcement of the new top entry for the week.

Freya had a hand between her own legs, rubbing at herself, and entwined her free fingers with Maddie's, cuddled close even as Maddie was staring at the ceiling.

"I've got homework at home," Maddie said. She rubbed the back of her hand over her mouth. "Will miss you though." She turned to Freya, kissed her and Freya smiled into the kiss, pressed her lips to Maddie's and Maddie had her eyes closed for it. A kiss to the corner of Freya's mouth and the centre of her lips.

"You'll be fine at home?" Freya asked when Maddie pulled her shirt from the chair, slipped it on and a hoodie over it.

The radio was playing the current number one. "Yeah," Maddie replied, leaned down to kiss Freya again.

***

Her pee was trickling down the triangle and came out in a stream as she stood in front of the bowl, knickers down and legs bowed a little. Her phone was ringing in the other room, but once she was done and rinsed and clean and dry, it only showed up as a missed call from Freya.

 _It worked,_ Maddie typed into the chat window.

Seahorse gave her the thumbs up, was typing, then stopped, typing then stopped, and Maddie raised an eyebrow at the screen until the message finally came through. _Your gf?_

Maddie hesitated. _She wouldn't get it._

Maddie stood and locked her door, drew her shirt over her head and stood in front of her mirror. Bandages in one hand and some tape in the other she layered the bandages tight around her breasts, pushing them up and to the side, then fastened everything with the tape. She put on her shirt again, slicked her hair back and turned sideways to look at her profile.

Her reflection felt right like it hadn't in as long as she could remember.

***

They ducked out after school, went to the woods behind and the stream that ran along through it. Maddie tried to breathe through the unease in her chest. She kept waiting for it to stop being the stomach-clenching reality, but when she opened her eyes it was still there and no amount of wishing for it to be not there helped. Her mother's words were replaying in her mind.

"Why did we do it?" Maddie asked as she dropped one of the rocks into the stream, watched the water splash up.

"Hey," Freya said, and "hey," again as she hugged Maddie, arms around her waist, face buried in Maddie's neck and hair, and when it had been nice before it felt too close and too soft and too much now.

Maddie felt so stupid and angry at herself and stepped from Freya's embrace, ignoring the hurt look in Freya's eyes.

"Madd-"

"I'm not a lesbian," Maddie said, staring down at the stream, water brushing over pebbles. "I think." The pamphlet's little advice bubbles stood out stark in her mind but the words were stuck on the back of her tongue.

"Is it your mum, did she say something?"

Maddie snorted, as if her mum was saying much at all at the moment. Her reflection in the water wavered and still painted her hips and curves and the hair brushing past her shoulder. "It's not my mum, or you, I don't know." She turned to Freya and shrugged and turned back to the water. "I don't mind doing stuff with you but I'm not, I don't think I'm like that." Her heart was pounding in her throat, her fingers cold. "And-"

"You didn't mind last week." Freya's hair blew into her face before she brushed strands of it behind her ear.

Maddie stared at the stream, focused on the water, anything to not look at Freya. "I'm not, I don't think I'm- I mean, I don't want to be..." She trailed off, scuffed her trainers into the forest floor. "I'm just not."

A group of blokes from the school was laughing in the distance. Freya shifted, looking at them.

"I think I'm... fuck-" Maddie picked up a pebble and pitched it into the water. "I don't want to be a... I don't think I'm, well, like-" She gestured down her body. "I don't think it's me, being-, having breasts and shit, it's not-"

"You said you'd come with to the camp, and we'd meet-"

Maddie shook her head, feeling like she was standing outside her body. "I thought I wanted it, with you and that I wanted you and I... I don't think I even want to be a woman or do anything with women or..." Maddie shook her head. "It's not you, you... sorry, I, I don't know, I didn't know how to tell you."

Freya didn't say anything for long enough that Maddie looked up, saw Freya just looking at her.

"Sorry," Maddie said again. "I know I should've said something before and-"

"You'd have never said if your mum didn't know, would you?"

Maddie shrugged. The memory of her mother's face still made her stomach sink.

"I thought you liked me," Freya added, voice faint and surprised and hurt enough that Maddie wanted to take this whole stupid confession idea back. "I thought you liked me enough that it wouldn't matter that she's-"

"It's not about my mum-"

"You talking about not being into girls, about not-"

"It's not about my mum," Maddie shouted and wanted to tell Freya to shut up and shove it and not make everything more complicated and confusing. Now that it was out, the balance had almost shifted back to a _maybe I'm just imagining it_ and taking it all back was on the tip of Maddie's tongue.

"You should have told me sometime before eating me out, you know," Freya said as she turned to walk away.

"I didn't know," Maddie said to her back, vaguely, but didn't bother following. She crouched next to the stream, listened until Freya's footsteps were all gone.

Nothing felt better now, and everything hurt. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at the water's surface long and hard enough until the tears stopped threatening to fall.


	2. Arthur

The computer was still running, chat windows open and Merlin plopped down on his bed, laptop in his lap before he even went to clean himself up, got rid of the grime from where he'd slid down the incline. The burn of the scrape along his shin pulsed and it wasn't a bad feeling, went straight to his clit the way the bubbly did and vodka didn't.

 _fuck that shit,_ he typed to one of his contacts, a bit of a delayed response to a rant about friends being arseholes. Added _:(_ and leaned back to tug off his shirt, tug off the binder. He pulled on the shirt again after, waited while the other person was typing. _you ok?_ he added.

 _yeah. just sucks. Nevermind, bunch of tossers. I'm logging in, you game?_

He pulled up WOW on his desktop and switched to the internal chat, angling for his headphones on his bed and popping them on as he sat at his desk, waiting for the interface to load. He pulled up a movie on the laptop, let it run while he said hi to the guys and lost himself in the mission.

***

Merlin plucked at the strings and played a few easy notes, rolling them through the amplifier until it burst with sharp noises of just a little too much. Ben was on the drums and they fell into a rhythm that was half jam session, half unconnected rubbish until Freya grabbed a mic and told them to shut it. Merlin let his bass feedback, sharing a grin with Ben over the screech.

"Are we done for today then?" Freya asked, double-amplified over microphone and normal volume.

Merlin shrugged along with Ben and didn't look at her much because more days than not she wasn't looking at him.

"I like the song," Freya said as she packed up and glanced at Merlin, gave him a tentative smile.

"Thanks." He played out the bassline then stilled his fingers. "You done sociology yet? I've been sitting over the essay and..." He trailed off, swallowed the 'I'll come by' and left it unsaid. She left and Merlin stared at the closed door after her.

***

"I'll be back before ten," Merlin said as he slipped into his trainers, not looking up to his mother with the roast or whatever she was doing in the kitchen.

Merlin dragged his bag over his shoulder and there they were at a stand-off between door and door again, Merlin's hand already on the handle. He could have always told her some rubbish about taking the bike and going to the lakes with someone, Will or Ben or someone, but even that was too much effort.

"I'm worried about your schoolwork," she said and he waved her off until she nodded, probably thinking it was some lesbian bullshit, and he left, dragged up the zipper on his jacket as he legged it to the train station.

Shropshire was the pits when you were without a car and queer, and the internet only made up for some of it. Merlin pulled out his mobile when he got on the train and dragged up Twitter.

 _Least the train came. Think I'll go for a coffee._

He had _American Gods_ in his back pocket and waded his way through the train to the services at the end, paying for overpriced coffee. His band's demo tape was playing in his ears, and he rolled his eyes when Freya hit a bad note and warbled his lyrics to shit.

It started raining halfway to Birmingham and was properly pissing down when he got off the train and trudged through the city centre. This time of the year it was dark by the time group started and it would feel like the middle of the night when group ended. Merlin bought the latest issue of Attitude on the way and ducked into the non-descript building to escape the torrent of rain but still looked drenched when he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Some of the younger guys were already there, sitting on the pool table in the corner.

"I was saying to her," one of the girls leaning against the window said, "that it wasn't weird and that I wasn't calling _her_ weird for wanting to-" she glanced at the guys and rolled her eyes, "be all about dick but..." She shrugged.

Merlin gave her a wave and she waved back, then he busied himself shimmying out of the wet jacket and tugging at his jeans. Gaiman was mildly soaked. He tossed the coffee paper cup in the rubbish bin and sat on one of the chairs in the loose circle, trying to keep his stupid longing eyes off the guys by the pool table, failing, ears all Dumbo-peaked as he tried to memorize how they spoke, how they acted, how they behaved.

One of them smiled at him and he smiled back, gave a nod hello, then just sat and closed his eyes, the demo tape on an endless loop in his ear. He cringed every time they hit one of the rough spots where they lost all rhythm.

The door opened again, and a blond bloke walked in, face looking a bit pinched and posture angling for straight and hard, but his eyes flickered over everyone in the room before he walked to one of the chairs somewhat opposite Merlin and settled. His leg kept jittering as he glanced at the door every other moment, and only a full minute or two later slipped out of his jacket and ran a hand through his wet hair. Merlin was definitely not watching, not cataloguing the arms in that t-shirt, and the chest tapering to a narrow waist and the bulge in his trousers.

The guy glanced up as Merlin was staring at his cock and looked right back at Merlin. Face burning, Merlin tried for a smile, fingers tight on some garish headline in Attitude. The bloke took a moment, glanced down himself and went a little red as he sent a grin back.

Awkward, but- fluttery.

Merlin shifted on the seat, looked down himself and pulled at his shirt, flattening curves to nothing as he angled his body a bit.

"Hello everyone," Gwaine said as he walked in, James trailing behind and settling in the chair next to Merlin as the groups in the room broke up and sat down in a shuffle of chairs and voices. "Glad all of you managed to make it."

"Would have made it not sopping wet if this one had brought an umbrella," Bran, one of the younger guys, said.

"Oh don't you start," Tony, one of the others, replied, voice rising in drama and Merlin snorted a laugh along with the others, hiding his grin. "Seriously, he doesn't even have to start with me," Tony said to Merlin, who managed a nod, before Tony poked Bran in the chest and settled back on his chair, legs splayed, crotch on display. Merlin had to catch himself to avoid being completely obvious. He stole a glance at the bloke and the bloke was watching him back, brows crinkling a bit as they shared the same look of amusement, and Merlin quickly averted his eyes and stared at the floor between his feet instead, swallowing against his rapidly beating heart.

"Arthur's joined us," Gwaine said with a small nod to the bloke who acknowledged them with a little wave and then flushed red as he looked challengingly at their little circle of the weird, outcast and proud to be queer, cue the slogan and background music.

"I approve," Tony stage-whispered to Bran and got a smack to his hip in return.

"Did you ask about Pride, then?" Nat asked, ignoring the boys. "'Cause the thing is, we want to do it. We want to be out there showing them that, you know, it's cool to be lesbian or gay or whatever and that it's not weird or anything."

"I've talked to them," Gwaine said, settling on one of the chairs, putting his notebook to the side. "And they're happy to have you there but there are health and safety concerns and mostly about the licensing issues and you not being 18 for the most part so that-"

The door opened and Percival strolled in. "Lance's not coming tonight, working a shift. He says hi though." He winked at Merlin and Merlin stifled the laugh in his throat and just grinned back.

"- so we can try again and I'll have a chat with them again, but-"

"But what we're saying," Bran said, "is that we're the people that- they keep saying they do this for all the bullied kids in schools and that's great and all, you know, but we're here and we can do something too because yeah people say shit but we can show that you can say shit back or just do something and that you can still go out there and be proud and gay. That's just what I'm thinking, I don't know about you, but that's what I'm thinking."

Percival was whispering with Nat, then fell silent when Bran stopped.

"I think he's right," Tony picked up. "Great that we can get in during the parade and all but we want to be a part of that and do our thing and show that not all of us get bullied and sort of hide and cry into our pillows and that's it."

"Right." Gwaine lifted his hands placatingly. "I hear you and I agree with you but all I can promise you is that I'll sit down with Peter and John from the team again and bring it up with them and-"

"Tell them we're bloody well serious about it. They don't get to pretend they get how shit it is when they won't let us have a say."

"Noted," Gwaine said and tapped to his head. "Now, the bowling night next week, everyone still up for that?"

Merlin kept watching Arthur watching the others, heel tapping against the leg of the chair, brushing his wet hair back every now and then. He glanced back at Merlin and Merlin quickly looked away, pulling at his t-shirt again hiding the stupid bumps that even the binder couldn't push away. Percival caught his eyes and glanced from him to Arthur, lifting his eyebrows. Merlin ignored him and looked back towards Gwaine even as his face got all hot.

"Anyone got anything to talk about?" Gwaine asked after the hell-yeahs for the bowling that Merlin only vaguely registered.

He shrugged, then cleared his throat and shook his head, fingers scratching along the Gaiman novel spine on his lap. Nothing worth talking about, not when it was the same repetitive crap about school being a bit shit and living in the country being double shit and he had the internet anyway. Gwaine cocked his head at him but Merlin just shook his head again.

"We should do another school thing," he said after a moment after all, then cleared his throat and tried to drop his voice down only because it sounded ridiculously too high. "Like the one at the secondary in Beltane? We should do one like that again but out somewhere because it's-" he shrugged, "like at my school. I know there have to be people out there but there's not anyone I know and... just saying we should do something."

Bran nodded easily, so did the girls. Arthur raised his eyebrows questioningly but didn't ask whatever he was curious about.

"That's what I'm saying," Bran said, pointing at Merlin, enough to make Merlin squirm on his seat and have his heart stop a bit with Bran looking at him openly like he existed. "That is why I want us to have a say at Pride and not just wave our flags around because we have to go to those schools and listen to the shit people say so we should be allowed to be the ones to, like, bring it up. Because I, for one, I don't want to get a beating just because I eye up the blokes."

Arthur shifted on his chair and looked down at his hands, then up at the room again.

The conversation angled back toward Pride then and Merlin catalogued the touches between Bran and Tony, and how Arthur looked at them and how Arthur looked at Gwaine and how Arthur looked, how he sat, how Percival, who was still coming even though he was already at uni, was so relaxed.

It ached inside Merlin, just wanting to be like that, and he bit the inside of his cheek as he tapped out a bassline onto the back of the Gaiman novel and stared at the floor, trying not to get caught up in another wave of life-sucks or his mum would just send him more of those looks, the _I wish you wouldn't be like this_ and he wished he had some magic to give himself a cock and just be done with it, of being different, and be like normal people.

Bran hugged Tony in a show of exuberance and as much as Arthur looked like he saw something delish he wanted all for himself, Merlin just wanted- well- not to be all out of place even here.

"What are you listening to?" Nat asked when they broke off into loose conversation and she plugged the earbud from his ear and listened in just during their botched tempo change attempts.

"Demo tape," Merlin replied. "Some band, from school, I play in. We're pretty shit."

"It's not bad," Nat said, pulling a face.

Merlin chuckled, putting his ankle on his knee and scooting down in his seat as he watched Nat listen. Percival was introducing himself to Arthur across the room and Arthur's eyes roamed all big and impressed all over Percival's body.

Merlin just felt jealous of everything. Life fucking sucked. He should write a song about it.

***

 _Catching the train back,_ Merlin was tweeting from the Starbucks queue, eyeing a panini as he typed.

"What can I get you, sir?" the guy at the check-out asked and Merlin glanced up, fingers instantly sweaty on the phone.

"A-" Merlin cleared his throat and tried to drop his voice by a few notches. "A grande iced vanilla latte," he said, paying in a bit of a daze.

He tapped his heel to the milk and and sugar desk, hunching a bit to hide the curves where his binder was too worn out to hide the bumps entirely.

"Grande iced vanilla latte?" the girl called and Merlin stepped forward. "Ma'am," she said as she pushed it across to Merlin and was already turning back to the next few drinks when Merlin took the plastic cup and straw.

Laughter rose behind him as he walked out of the shop. As much as he told himself it was just him being paranoid and that they didn't give a fuck about him, it made his stomach queasy anyway to imagine they were laughing about him and everything that was wrong about his body.

***

 _Been sitting on English for a week_

Merlin glanced at the stack of books and the revision he should be doing, at the pinned schedule of the A-Levels exams, then back to the screen with the chat window open. His mother was making lunch or cleaning and he was pretending to be asleep, curtains closed and sitting curled up with his hoodie underneath the covers of his bed, waiting for his shit mood to pass.

Weekends were the pits. If he didn't spend his money on music, chocolate and sodas he'd have the change to make it into Birmingham. Sneak out, make someone cover for him and explore the scene. Wishful thinking, he'd never have the courage to walk into a bar and pretend he belonged there.

He lay back on the bed, tapping out the bassline of a Kaiser Chiefs song and imagined just walking into one of the pubs, glancing around, chatting someone up.

Then his computer plinked and his mother was knocking at the door, talking family responsibilities and visits with Gaius and how he deserved having Merlin pop by the home and make nonsense talk about potions and magic as if it was real.

He wanted.

Things.

 _would love to go down on someone_ he typed into chat.

Seahorse replied with, _:D big fat boner right here for you_.

Merlin opened his mouth as he leaned back, imagined someone's cock on his tongue and snuck a hand down into his briefs, closing his fingers on the silicone dick, warm from his skin. He pushed his hips up, imagined fucking his cock into his hand and stuck two fingers into his mouth, all the way to the back of his throat until he gagged on them. His clit pressed up against the base of the packy, against the pressure of his fingers, and he ground up against that, lifted his hips off the bed and thrust up in easy rhythm, moaning and gurgling around his fingers as he imagined someone's cock down his throat, someone's arse on his dick and another cock pushing into his hole, slick and hot and wet.

"Now!" his mother called, knocking on his door.

Merlin pressed up against his fingers one more time and then let up, pulled his fingers from his mouth and wiped them on the sheets.

Merlin wrote _Wanker gtg ttyl_ then logged off and crawled off his bed, shedding the hoodie and pulling his binder on after a skirting rub and grab of his breasts, only frowning when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

Fucking weird how wrong he looked.

His hole was still thrumming, still slick and he swiped his fingers over it, teasing one inside just a little, and pressed forward until his clit was pushed against his fingers.

"-would you please?" his mother called again and Merlin pulled his hand from his briefs and licked at his fingers, then pulled on some jeans and another hoodie, zipping it up, pulling the hood up after running a hand through his hair.

"I was busy," he said at the bottom of the stairs, toeing the edge of the carpet.

His mother had that look on her face. "You spend too much time up there," she said, and pushed the hood from his head. "You never talk to me anymore."

He didn't look up at her, only shrugged.

"You know I'm trying to understand-"

"-I know." His mother was the last person he wanted to discuss cock with, wanting cock, just wanting to see it and touch it and taste it and have it.

***

"Hey, sorry the train..." Merlin trailed off and caught his breath, giving a small wave at the group. He was sweating buckets, sticky warmth underneath his shirt and binder, slick skin and everything sitting not quite right. He pulled at the bottom of his shirt as he slipped out of his hoodie, smoothed the t-shirt down.

A free chair next to the girls, and one next to Arthur who sat with his legs splayed, mouth hidden in the palm of his hand as he looked at Gwaine but kept glancing at Merlin, because Merlin felt that, flickering and brief and it made him sweat more, and he hunched over a little. He glanced at the girls and at Arthur and it would be stupid not to do it, so he squeezed past Gwaine and in his haste to try and not stumble over Arthur's feet, nearly stumbled over Arthur's feet.

"Sorry, mate," Arthur mumbled and pulled his feet in and Merlin flushed harder, then found his chair safely, body just exuding heat from every pore.

"You still in for the bowling next weekend?" Gwaine asked.

Merlin nodded. "I'll see about getting back after, trains are rubbish but yeah, definitely."

Arthur stretched his legs out next to him again and Merlin glanced from his ankle up to his thigh, then looked back toward Gwaine and tried to relax on his chair as they were talking about summer camp and going up to Scotland for a long weekend maybe, just their tents and nature.

The chair creaked when Merlin shifted and he stilled again as Arthur glanced over and tried to follow the discussion about costs. Bran and Tony got into the story of their last youth group tent adventure of sharing a tent and swimming naked in the sea.

"Froze my balls off," Bran said. "If you know what I'm saying."

Every time Arthur shifted next to him, Merlin felt another start of heat, of having his eyes drawn across, meeting Arthur's eyes more often than not midway. Awkward didn't even begin to cover it when Arthur held his gaze and only then looked away, picking at the seam of his jeans instead.

"Anything else for tonight?" Gwaine asked, then called the group's official sit-about to a close, and chairs scraped over the floor as the boys across from Merlin broke for the pool table.

"Gays against lesbians!" Bran announced with grand gesture and a few followed him across to the corner.

Merlin brushed at the hair above his ear, wet with sweat, and looked about for Percival and Lance. They were talking to Nat, standing close, hip to hip and easy touches when Lance stole Percival's water and took a healthy swig.

Envy pulled at Merlin's gut. The chair next to him scraped and when Merlin looked up Arthur was staring at Percival and Lance with some stupid soppy expression as well.

"They've been together for six months," Merlin said, glancing down and away, then at Arthur's face again, lips and nose and hair that he flicked aside.

"Yeah?" Arthur asked, then didn't say anything else. He cleared his throat. "So you're, you're Merlin, then?" he asked and held out his hand like they were meeting at a dinner party, but Merlin shook it and Arthur's fingers were about as sweaty as his own but warm and firm and Merlin squirmed on the chair with some mixture of arousal and anxiety.

"Yeah, I- well, I guess, I guess you heard last meeting."

"Percival told me, actually." Arthur's glance cut across the room to Percival and Lance again.

"Oh. Well, you're, it's Arthur, yeah? Your name, well, nice to meet you then, uh, Arthur." Merlin stared at his hand outstretched for another shake, then at Arthur's lips pulled into a grin, and he flushed with a new wave of heat down his body. He tucked his hand into the pocket of his jeans and leaned forward, trying to angle his body to all straight lines.

"Have you been coming here long?" Arthur watched the boys at the pool table, Bran and Tony jostling each other over the stick, and bit at his thumb.

"Few months," Merlin replied.

"Not from Birmingham though, are you?"

Merlin sneaked a sideways look at Arthur before looking out straight again, catching Gwaine watching them. "Shropshire."

"Hell."

Merlin laughed, then grinned when Arthur joined in. "Pretty much. You either fuck sheep or watch porn on the internet." Then he clamped his lips shut, heart beating as he slouched on his chair a little more, waiting for a reaction after his grand show of big talk.

Arthur glanced across and then at both their legs splayed into the circle of chairs. "Yeah, guess you would." He smiled at Merlin, crooked and a bit wicked and it curled want into Merlin's belly.

"Yeah," Merlin said, flying high on Arthur's smile and attention. "So it's not too bad." The group in the corner was busy debating which ball had gone in first. "You from Birmingham though?"

"Yeah, lived in London until last year then my father dragged me here." Arthur pulled a face.

"London, huh?" Merlin glanced down at his thighs, picking at a loose thread and checking again that his crotch looked fine, his chest looked flat enough. London had Soho and the Charing Cross clinic and all the tolerance and none of the bullshit. "Must be killing you to stick it out here now." Merlin laughed. Birmingham had, well, the airport and the station.

"Pretty much." Arthur scuffed his shoes at the linoleum, voice dark. He pushed his hands in the pockets of his jeans, went still.

"Shit then?" Hard to find something to say when a second ago he'd been joking about porn.

"Yeah." Arthur forced a smile. "Guess that's the way it goes. It'll be over soon enough. Uni and all. Only a few more months until exams. Can't wait."

"You out?"

"Yeah." Arthur drew his legs closer to body, heel clanging against the chair leg hard, scooting the chair across the floor. He rubbed the palm of one hand over the knuckles of the other, pulling a face. "Not even waving around tiaras and sparkles and those wankers got a hard-on for me."

Merlin watched him from the corner of his eye, body tense, fingers curled to a fist, biceps bulging, pecs shifting underneath the tight shirt, the collar open wide.

"You?" Arthur asked after a moment, looking over through strands of hair, lips trying to twitch into a smile.

Merlin grinned back. "Not really out, I guess. Some people know." He shrugged. "S'not too bad, really. S'okay, just turn and walk the other way." Or run if need be, it didn't make him a coward, dammit. "I'm in a band," he said, then blushed and slapped a hand to his mouth, cursed himself for his voice slipping an octave too high in stupid excitement.

"At college?"

"Yeah."

"You any good?"

"I see what you are doing!" Bran was shouting across the room at Percival and Lance. "Pushing it into all our faces." He made gagging noises, then wrapped his arms around Tony and pushed close, crotch to arse. "We could, but we're not."

"Are they-" Arthur started to whisper.

"I'm not shagging you," Tony said and wriggled out of Bran's embrace, slapping at his hip. "Stop pawing me."

"No." Merlin grinned, then looked away when it started making his throat tight, just watching other people. "He likes you." Bran glanced over the same moment, waggling his eyebrows at Arthur as he dramatically shoved Tony away, and Arthur choked on his breath a bit and went all red.

"Yeah,.. no," he said and shook his head with a grin at Bran who feigned a faint and a giant pout.

Merlin took a deep breath, then exhaled it again and crossed his arms in front of his chest. This was what porn on the internet made him forget for an hour or two, people just touching and being open and-

"Hey!" Arthur kicked his foot to Merlin's ankle.

"Wha-"

"We were talking. Your band, you any good?"

Merlin stared down at his ankle, throbbing a bit with the pain and grinned. "Ow, ... wanker," he said, but Arthur only raised his eyebrows and waited and Merlin felt his grin splitting his face at that.

Arthur kicked at him again, and Merlin pulled his foot back in time, having Arthur slide half off his seat with the momentum, then mock-scowling at Merlin. "Well?" he asked again.

"We're not, I don't know, they don't ask us to play anywhere or anything, but-"

"Do you have some with you, some..." Arthur gestured to the earbuds hanging from the collar of Merlin's shirt, then grabbed for one, and in an instant he was that close, all hair and cologne and warm breath and fingers as they brushed over the fabric of Merlin's shirt to pick up the earbud and plop it into his ear. He turned his face up to Merlin's and brushed the hair out of his eyes, making the go-on-then gesture with his hand.

Merlin could feel the warmth of his knee as it pushed against his thigh from where Arthur had turned around, puffs of breath on his neck and Arthur was so fucking close and in his space. Merlin reached into his pocket between them, elbow brushing along Arthur's body as he fumbled for his iPod and found the right track.

"It's not very good..." he tried but Arthur just grabbed the iPod from Merlin, fingers brushing over Merlin's, warm now and they sent a tingle down into Merlin's stomach and bits. He clenched on that warmth, while Arthur was scrolling to a random track and held the device out of Merlin's reach when Merlin tried to make a grab for it again.

"Shh, I'm listening," Arthur said, and he was, eyes staring off into nowhere as he held his head cocked and kept his knee pressed to Merlin's thigh, seeping warmth through jeans.

Embarrassment was nothing to this as Merlin watched the blue bar inch closer to the finish until the thankfully short track ended. Arthur pulled the earbud from his ear and let it dangle back against Merlin's chest, then leaned back and stretched out his legs, shin pressed to Merlin's calves.

"And?" Merlin asked, taking the iPod back from Arthur's fingers, not lingering on the touch or trying not to.

"You're right, it's pretty bad," Arthur said, smirking.

"Tosser," Merlin replied with a laugh and kicked his heel back against Arthur's ankle when Arthur joined in laughing. He caught Arthur's gaze and they both quieted to smiles, and just breathing in and out, cataloguing each other. Arthur's fingers twisted around the end of his sleeve as he squinted at Merlin through his stupid long hair.

"We're off," Percival said into Merlin's ear, giant paw on Merlin's shoulder that made Merlin jerk around until he caught himself.

"Right! Right."

"I didn't mean to interrupt anything." Percival glanced past Merlin and Merlin resolutely didn't turn around, didn't even acknowledge it but went into a hug easily, hugged Lance, too, as he tried to ignore how he was sure his body felt weird to them, wrong and awkward and too soft in all the wrong places, but they both hugged him tight, slapped his shoulder. "I'll be seeing you at bowling next week." Percival nodded at Arthur and Arthur raised his hand bye and then watched them leave.

"Friends?" Arthur asked, sounding envious.

"Yeah, they've..." He trailed off trying to explain everything and how people knowing and just doing all the right things even when he'd never had to spell it out, made everything a bit easier. "Yeah. They're good." He tugged on his shirt again, frowned at the way it sat.

Arthur opened his mouth as if to ask something else, then just didn't.

***

 _Pull together and take him from the left_ , Merlin typed into the open chat, headphones around his neck.

"The left," he said into the headset mic when half the group went in it from the right, splintering their attention.

"They suck," Lee from up north somewhere said.

"Majorly," Merlin replied and banged the shit out of his spacebar as he made the best effort he could when everyone was regrouping from the correct side.

Ten minutes later they had the thing slayed and most of them were signing off for bed. Merlin was still wired on the Coke he'd had earlier and randomly clicked about.

"I'm off, writing English tomorrow," Lee said at the last of them and reminded Merlin of the sociology test he hadn't exactly opened the books for. He signed off as well and dropped to lie back in bed. He'd be able to just wing sociology, surely, try to front with some clever words saying nothing much. He slid the laptop off his stomach to the floor and turned over on his belly, face pressed to the pillow.

It was hard not to think about Arthur, if he was entirely honest. The broad shoulders and chest, strong arms, those lips. Merlin stretched an arm up and curled it around the pillow, fingers spreading and curling as if he was tangling them in blond hair. He puckered his lips and turned his head a bit, stuck his tongue out and ignored that he was tasting pillow and imagined Arthur underneath him, hand moving from Merlin's shoulder blades down to his arse, keeping him close, kissing him with tongue and with love.

Merlin pressed his hips into the bed, packer soft against his thigh and imagined Arthur's hips pushing up against him, and mashed his lips harder against the pillow, playing his fingers through Arthur's hair. He slid his free hand down between them, grabbed for Arthur's cock to rub it, jerk it, just hold it and feel it hot and hard in his hand.

"You're so hot," Arthur whispered into his ear between kisses, fingertips sliding between Merlin's cheeks. Merlin ground down harder and caught Arthur's lips in a kiss again and again, mouthed at his jaw and his neck, and then gentled down to nips and small breathless kisses as his hips slowed, arousal and heat still there but low and warm.

He curled up on his side and hugged an arm around his stomach, imagined it to be Arthur as he spooned behind him, pressing kisses to the nape of his neck and shoulders, crotch pressed to his arse, legs tangled, fingers skirting up his chest, to his breasts and tingling touches to his nipples and down to his stomach again, brushing through his pubic hair, and then whispering some stupid I love you, but it was nice, this, it was nice.

His alarm rang much too early.

***

"Just couldn't be arsed," Merlin said, nipping on the coffee from the paper cup, too hot to drink right down.

"You'll get stuck here if you can't be arsed to work for it," Freya replied, tone sharp.

Merlin shrugged and said nothing. Winging it had been a bit of an effort when he'd tried to read the letters with bleary eyes.

A bunch of the class below them, spineless little arseholes, stood at the corner of the building and gossiped, glancing over every few moments, then laughing, talking, pointing. Merlin heard _lesbo_ and _ugly bitch_ and stared at his coffee and the ground, ignoring the flush over his body, the way everything sat wrong and tried to focus on Freya instead who seemed as oblivious as any time.

"You're fucking up your future."

"Yeah, well," Merlin replied, watching the arseholes from the corner of his eyes, heart beating in his chest, throat tight. He forced himself to stay there, not walk away and admit defeat. "So," he swallowed, "band this afternoon? I wrote this thing..." It was a bunch of notes really but it gave him something to say.

"Yeah, can't wait," Freya said. She smiled at Merlin and it seemed mostly genuine until it stopped. Merlin had a question on the tip of his tongue, asking how Freya was doing but she didn't talk to him much anymore.

The bell rang and the wankers walked off, leaving Merlin to breathe a little easier, unclench, tension leaking from his body.

"Great." He smiled, giddy now almost as he downed the last of the coffee. One more situation down. He was telling himself it was getting easier to have the bullshit pour over him.

Later, as he walked through the corridors to practice, he had his hand dangle by his side and imagined Arthur next to him, fingers sliding to entwine with his, and smiled.

"It's about love." Ben poked at the lyrics Merlin had started scribbling in his head during the sociology test and on some sheets ripped from his notebook right after.

"Yeah?" Merlin plugged in his bass, tuned it by ear and played a few easy scales up and down.

"We don't do love songs. Or happy songs. At all. In general. We don't do happy."

Merlin rolled his eyes and gave him the V but couldn't hide the grin.

"Stop before you turn us into The Wanted." Ben gave an exaggerated wave and clap behind the drums, followed by the twirl. Freya walked in then, guitar in hand. "Butterfly, butterfly, spread your wings and flyyy-" Ben sang off-key while Merlin stuffed some jelly babies into his mouth.

"You coming with us to the cinema on Saturday?" Freya asked, setting up her guitar. The _Lisa and me will teach you about more Lesbian shit_ was implied.

"Saturday, I'll-"

"-she's staying at home playing computer games, sad little story that-"

"I'll be in Birmingham," Merlin interrupted Ben with an eyeroll, throwing a jelly baby across that Ben tried to catch with his mouth, cracking them up when he nearly toppled over his kit.

Freya huffed and strummed a chord.

Merlin lifted his hands placatingly and sorted out his scribbles of music and words on the music stand, not looking up at Freya.

***

Getting on the wrong bus cost him a few pounds extra and about thirty minutes cruising through Birmingham. Merlin stared into lit windows and thought about all the lives people he'd never know led while listening to Nirvana's Unplugged CD, mouthing the words along with Cobain. The smell and sound of the bowling alley hit him as soon as he stepped in and made his way to get some shoes.

The group had cornered two lanes towards one side of the alley, Bran and Tony making out in full view until Percival clapped them over the head. Merlin grinned as he pulled on his shoes, swallowing any unease at the glance of the guy who handed him the shoes, resisted tugging at his clothes. Arthur was swiveling idly on one of the chairs, glancing through his hair every once in a while as he talked to Lance.

"Ah, there he is," Gwaine said and clapped Merlin on the shoulder when Merlin took the stairs down, drawing him into a half-hug.

Arthur glanced up from the table at the exclamation, frown turning into a smile splitting his face before he pulled it in a bit. The corner of his lip was crusty with a healing split lip, the side of his face bruised.

"What happened to you?" Merlin asked as he stepped closer and slid into the seat across from Arthur.

"It's nothing."

"Nothing fucked up your face."

"I'm going for the rugged look."

Merlin opened his mouth to come up with another witty repartee but Arthur lifted his chin high, lips pressed to thin lines as if he was just waiting for it, and so he dropped it. "Makes you look rugged indeed," he said instead, then glanced around at the standings on the monitors and tried not to twitch or squirm when he felt Arthur's eyes on him.

Lance chuckled next to Arthur and Merlin felt himself flush but ignored Lance as he keyed his own name into the listing, then went and managed to mess up both of his first tries royally.

"You suck," Arthur said when Merlin sat back down.

Merlin balled up a napkin and tossed it Arthur. "Think you can do better, wanker?"

"Oh please." Arthur strutted to the lane and got 9 on the first try, only missed the one lone one on the second. "That's how it's done."

Percival, following Arthur, smashed all 10 and send them flying everywhere with the force of his ball down the lane. He shouldered past Arthur on the way back to his seat. "Keep trying, kid," he said to Arthur's scowl, making Merlin break into a grin.

"Now if you could shag either me or him here," Bran shouted over the wild debate at the other table, "If you could shag me or him, surely you'd pick me." He gestured down at himself then pulled a face at Tony.

"Twat," Tony said, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"It's an objective survey," Bran continued, voice rising.

Merlin focused back on Arthur in front of him. "So, what happened, really?" He reached up, nearly touching Arthur's cheek, then pulled back and linked his fingers in his lap again.

"Some wankers shot off their mouths," Arthur said and shrugged. "They had it coming."

"Oh." Merlin glanced at the table top. "I guess that's- yeah." When he looked up again Arthur was looking at him. "Hope they look worse than you then."

"Of course they do. Homophobic fuckers."

Merlin got up for his turn again and hit a perfect ten.

"Showing off now?" Arthur asked as he passed him for his turn, brushing past close enough that Merlin instinctively took a step back at the brush of warmth and nice cologne and Arthur.

"Teaching you something," Merlin replied and leaned against the table as he watched Arthur get a meagre three on his next try.

"Not a word," Arthur said when he turned around, then broke into a grin and jostled against Merlin's shoulder as he passed, throat rumbling with laughter.

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"You better." Arthur took a sip from his Coke and eyed Merlin over the rim of the glass. The bruise on his face stretched from his lips up to his eye, purple darkening to a blue-ish hue in places. He reached up self-consciously when he caught Merlin looking.

"He's a hero," Bran called as he banded over from the other lane, throwing his arms around Arthur. "Standing up to the bullies. Woo."

Arthur stiffened in the embrace and awkwardly shrugged Bran off, putting some distance between them.

"More like a fool," Percival said, low enough that only Merlin heard him. Merlin raised a questioning eyebrow at Percival, but Percival didn't elaborate. Arthur glanced at Bran who was trying his damndest to weasel a hug out of Arthur, and with the tips of his ears all red and neck flushing, Arthur stood there and took it when Bran smashed himself against Arthur as tight as could be.

Merlin watched them for a moment, then turned on his heel and went in search of the bathrooms. Arthur was blond and strong and could have anyone he wanted to shag, in London or in Birmingham or wherever he'd go to flash his smiles. He didn't need gay wannabes to fill the role. Behind him Bran laughed loud, the way he did whenever he was playing self-deprecating when he was flirting.

Merlin ducked into the hallway to the bathrooms and tried to get Arthur's beautiful, bruised up, heroic stupid face out of his head. Pop music was playing over the speakers, and Merlin paused, listening, waiting next to the men's bathroom. No tinkle of piss, no dryer noises, so he looked over his shoulder once then pushed the door open, ready to back out any minute should need be. The room was empty and Merlin ducked into one of the stalls, pulled down jeans and briefs and held his cock out of the way as he sat down to piss. He rubbed a thumb over the ridge of the silicone dick head, imagined how it must feel to be able to do it right.

The door opened, steps, and Merlin froze, then just waited, jeans still around his calves. The guy pissed into one of the urinals, then the stream stopped. Footsteps to the sinks, water, then nothing. Merlin waited for the door opening and closing but the sound didn't come. He strained to listen for breathing or any sounds once the water cut off but there was nothing.

Merlin wiped himself off, then situated himself again, cock in briefs and jeans done up over it, bulge sitting just right. He waited another minute until having stayed in there that long, if someone else was out there, had reached the height of embarrassment, then opened the cubicle door.

Arthur was leaning against the sinks, eyes on him. "Hey," he said after a moment and gave a small smile.

Merlin felt his face heat as he stepped forward up to the sink next to Arthur and started to wash his hands.

"I was afraid you'd left," Arthur said. He glanced over his shoulder at Merlin in the mirror, and when Merlin glanced up as well he wanted nothing more than to look different and not look like that; with the too short hair and the too big ears and the awkward shape of his body, not enough weight only accentuating the curve of his hips and the slimness of his shoulders.

"I'd never leave you to win."

"As if you can stop me," Arthur replied and nudged his foot against Merlin's.

"You suck at bowling."

"Ow- the pain, my heart, the insult," Arthur intoned, hand on his chest, and Merlin was the first to break into laughter as he caught Arthur's eyes in the mirror, Arthur's wet fingers clenched into his shirt above his heart.

Fingers still under the water, Merlin looked down then looked up again and splashed his fingers towards Arthur, sending a handful of water in his general direction. He hit him across the hip and crotch, laughing at Arthur's outraged expression.

"You wanker," Arthur replied, looking down at his dripping self, then at Merlin. He thrust his hand under the water himself and threw a handful at him while Merlin jumped back laughing, escaping most of it.

"I shouldn't laugh, it must be heartbreaking to be that... shit at-"

Arthur gave it another try, two hands cupped with water dripping to the floor between them as he took two steps towards Merlin and chucked the water in his general direction, but Merlin escaped again, jumping backwards until he stumbled against one of the urinals. Arthur continued forward, eyes squinted. Adrenaline thrummed in Merlin's body, made his heart beat high in his throat, laughter coming out between drawn breaths and it didn't matter he sounded a bit too high and felt all wrong when Arthur inched closer and closed wet fingers on Merlin's buttondown, water soaking through the fabric just around his waist, and stepped closer still. The urinal was cold against Merlin's back but he didn't push away, only watched Arthur, felt Arthur warm and close, damp fingers and all.

"You want to do this with Bran or Percival or... someone," Merlin tried, but Arthur only took one step closer until the line of his thigh was pressed to Merlin's, heat seeping through the jeans.

"I don't," Arthur said. His eyes roamed over Merlin's face and Merlin felt exposed and unsure and too fucking way out of his depth and he pushed at Arthur's hip, tried to squeeze out from underneath Arthur. "That is, if you..."Arthur continued, voice a bit strangled. "If you..."

"I'm not-" Merlin gestured to himself, his chest and his fake dick inside his jeans and the utter insufficiency of himself, everything wrong and slightly off, and maybe just fucked up in his own mind.

"I know." Arthur's fingers curved around Merlin's hip, thumb brushing back and forth about the bone. "It doesn't matter."

"You like cock."

"So do you." Arthur hesitated. "At least, I thought you..."

Merlin stared down between them where jeans and jeans met, the pressure of his silicone dick weird in his briefs. Arthur's face was close one moment and the next his lips pressed to Merlin's, a bit damp and warm and right there and Merlin kissed back, tongue pressing out a moment later and meeting Arthur's for a first taste. Arthur's fingers tightened on his hip and Merlin reached for Arthur himself, fingers finding belt loops he hooked into and kept Arthur there.

"You're so fucking sexy," Arthur muttered against his lips, then kissed him all tongue again and Merlin shook his head and tried to voice a laugh but Arthur swallowed it all with his lips, with his fingers on Merlin's stomach, just drawing idle patterns. Warmth coiled in Merlin's belly, wetness between his legs.

"Liar," Merlin said when he pulled back, knocking his knee against Arthur's. He focused on the buttons of Arthur's shirt. "I don't get it," he said, but Arthur just kissed him again, goddamn whimpered into Merlin's mouth and Merlin tried to stop thinking and just focus on getting kissed, on kissing, on someone's body right there, hair brushing against his face, nose bumping into his cheek.

Arthur let up with a brush of his thumb to Merlin's lips and a pat to his hip and the wet fabric there. "I, ah, should've asked, before-"

Merlin kicked his shin again. "You don't get to take it back, arsehole," he said, even though it niggled underneath the arousal, the wetness between his legs, that Arthur would call the joke any moment now. "No one's ever done that before," Merlin said quietly, then snorted. "Sorry, this is the heart to heart, should've warned you, this is what you get for doing it with a girl."

Arthur shifted back a little, gave Merlin room to breathe again. "You're not though," he said quietly over the water still running in the sink.

Merlin shrugged, staring at his shoes. "I'm just- well, hey, I'll take it if you're doing it just so you can have pussy sometime-"

"I'll take it if you're doing it so you can have cock sometime," Arthur gave back, sharp, cutting between them. "Don't be an arse," he added, sounding about as hurt as Merlin felt inside his chest.

Merlin shook his head. "I'm fucked up from here," he pointed to his head, "all the way to here," his toes, "especially here," and he drew a giant worbling circle from breasts to pulsing pussy and clit. "You want-"

"You. I want you, that's all." Arthur touched the bruise on his face, the split brow and dabbed the corner of his lips. "I think you're sexy. Sorry." He pushed away from Merlin and went to the sinks, turned off the water.

Merlin watched his shoulders move underneath his shirt, the muscles shifting, and he caught Arthur around the wrist before he opened the door to leave, pulled him around and kissed him, only lips and his fingers curled around Arthur's arm.

"I'm fucked up," Merlin said when he moved back again.

Arthur gestured to his face. "That makes two of us then."

"I'm more fucked up than you." Merlin crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"You don't get to win this one. Granted, your music is shit but..." Arthur narrowed his eyes and shoved at Merlin's shoulder. "I moved here from London. From London to this. I win the 'who has the shittier life' game."

"Granted, you're blond and built."

"Exactly... wait." Arthur grinned at Merlin and Merlin kissed him again because Arthur's lips were right there.

"Blond and dumb's pretty hot," Merlin said.

"Arse."

"Wanker." Merlin grinned, and Arthur grinned back at him.

***

The knock on his door woke him with the alarm shrilling away on the bedside table and Merlin flailed for that one heart-stopping moment of 'where am I? What is this?' then his mother calling, "You had better be up already," had the reality crash the hazy remnants of some dream, not even a sexy one.

His English homework was spread out on the floor from when he couldn't be arsed anymore to pick it up and had just walked around the small heaps of books and notepads and his scribbles to settle on his bed with the laptop on his knees.

He showered, dressed, was done by the time his mother knocked again and only gave himself a cursory glance in the mirror, angling his face a bit and tried to decide how well he passed that morning. It was okay at a 45-degree angle with the light coming in from slightly behind him apparently.

"Your hair's growing out again," his mother said first thing when he stepped into the kitchen, sounding pleased.

He bee-lined for the coffee that would make his heart beat double time, shrugged at her and figured he'd get a haircut in Birmingham before the meeting, take an earlier train.

"How's college?"

His mother stood leaning at the stove, cradling a muesli bowl, still in her pyjamas because she only got up to keep him company in the morning.

"Fine."

"Are you getting still on with your teachers? It's going on the exams now."

"Yeah." Merlin sipped too hot coffee.

"And the others?" His mother swallowed, staring down at the bowl. "Freya? You never mention Freya anymore."

Awkward, really, and Merlin forced out, "She's fine, busy. I've got to go." He left his coffee on the table, grabbed his bag and left ignoring his mother's lingering glance at the back of his skull, avoiding the inevitable weekly, "You never talk to me anymore," conversation.

He popped his music into his ears and lost himself in the angry and depressed until he walked through the gates, keeping his eyes on the path in front of him when he passed by a few jerks pulling on their cigarettes just outside, their jeers filtering in over the headphones.

"Pissers," Merlin muttered as he took the steps up and near collided with Ben and one of the girls he vaguely knew from one of the classes.

"Hey, hey-" Ben grinned. "Are we on for practice this afternoon?"

Merlin pulled the earbuds from his ears. "Huh?"

The girl was studying him, looking him up and down and he forced himself not to fidget or tug at his hair that was growing too long apparently or turn on his heel to walk out.

"Band? This afternoon?" Ben repeated.

"Yeah, I wrote this..." he vaguely gestured. "This thing, we should give it a whirl."

"Cool. Later."

Merlin gave a nod, a passing glance to the girl and pretended to ignore the whisper she gave to Ben the moment he was walking down the hallway. It didn't matter, not in the grand scheme of things, and it only took a few deep breaths and shit boring English with his homework probably barely passing inspection to quench the unease in his chest. He didn't doodle Arthur's name into the margins of his notebook, not much anyway.

"Fancy a coffee and gummi worms?" Freya said when she met him in the corridors.

He gave her a tentative grin and just followed her to the cafe, taking his coffee strong and black and without sugar. He splayed in the seat, ankle on his knee.

"I think it's crap. It's supposed to be this big, important book about coming of age but it's just not real," Merlin said, picking up an earlier conversation. "I've read it, well, I've tried reading it because it's so radical and eye-opening and I got bored twenty pages in with Salinger going on about nothing."

By the time they were talking Leviathan and Merlin had declared his hate for everything praised as important and how Mumford and Sons had only been cool before Radio 1 had picked them up, the break was up.

"Are you still not going to apply?" Freya asked when they tossed their paper cups.

Merlin figured it was less of a thing about applying and more about no unis taking him anyway with his failure in everything but staying sort of happy.

***

Merlin burrowed under the blankets and fisted the air where his cock would be, slow, long strokes, a brush of his thumb to the tip of his cock, spreading wetness. He pushed his hips into the touch, pushing his length along the palm of his hand. He brought his other hand to his chest and rubbed it over one breast, imagined it flat and hard. He turned his face and imagined Arthur there, puckered his lips to kiss him and kissed air.

He'd never have a normal cock, no matter what, he'd never be normal like that.

He turned over and went to sleep, fingers still curled around his non-existent dick.

***

"You'll be here next week though, won't you?" Arthur said. He stepped closer to let Gwaine pass behind them, clap him on the shoulder as he walked out.

"Planning on it." Merlin fiddled with the earphones, pushing the little jack into his iPod and pulling it out again. "So. Yeah." He glanced up at Arthur watching him. The bathroom had been easy and walking in here today with his stomach all nervous and tied up and his palms sweaty, that'd been a bit awkward, but Arthur had smiled and so it had been fine. Merlin was still riding on the sugar high from the Coke and the heated debate about the parade, thrumming with energy under his skin.

"Yeah," Arthur said. He shifted his weight back, then leaned forward again and put a hand to Merlin's hip and kissed him, with his eyes closed, all romantic-like, and Merlin kissed him back until Arthur pulled back. "Yeah," Arthur said. "Looking forward to that then."

Merlin felt his lack of cock like an ache when it was just everything going wet and tingly but it was wet and tingly and he didn't quite know what to do with his hands, so he just fiddled with Arthur's sleeves as he leaned across to press another kiss to the corner of Arthur's lips and closed the distance between them again until they stood toe to toe and Arthur's hand was on the small of his back.

Merlin made to pull away but Arthur hung on a little longer, fucking adorable sound in his throat, needy and high-pitched, and he flushed when he opened his eyes and took in the smile Merlin felt splitting his lips.

"Got to catch the train," Merlin said, breathing in Arthur's cologne, feeling his stubble and the warmth from his crotch.

"Right," Arthur replied, stepping back reluctantly. "Next week then, yeah?"

"Yeah." Merlin tugged at Arthur's stupid long blond hair and Arthur batted his hand away. "Going to get a haircut?"

"No?" Arthur laughed. "Piss off."

"Looking shaggy," Merlin said and tugged on Arthur's hair again, but Arthur just maneuvered them around until Merlin's back hit the wall and Arthur's whole body was pressed up against Merlin's.

"Shaggy, huh?" Arthur said, and with his fingers pressing Merlin's wrist to the wall, he just took his time kissing him through Merlin's answer. Merlin's eyes closed as he arched into the touch of Arthur's hand, cold fingers settling on the nape of his neck, rubbing a thumb along under his ear. "You like me?" Arthur asked in puffs of hot air, quietly.

"You watch too many shit movies," Merlin said and bit the side of Arthur's jaw.

Arthur smacked his hip in retaliation, breaking into laughter. "Someone's gotta be romantic." He met Merlin's eyes with a bit of hesitation and flickering off and away more than actually looking at him, but his crotch was pressed to Merlin's thigh, hot through their clothes.

Merlin twisted his wrist from Arthur's grip and stood straight again, standing too close. He drew his fingers through Arthur's hair, curling a few strands around his palm and letting them slip away. " _You_ should be in a band singing about broken things and the gutter."

"Gee, thanks," Arthur muttered and stood still when Merlin pressed a kiss to his jaw.

"Really, really got to catch the train or I'm fucked and my mum will kill me," Merlin said as he walked backwards, clenching his legs at the flood of heat when Arthur licked his lips and curled his own fingers into his hair as if to retrace the touch. "Don't let them smash your face in again, yeah?"

"You liking my face?"

Merlin laughed and turned and walked down the corridor, feeling Arthur's eyes warm on him the whole way. The rain outside was a bit cold shock and a lot miserable, as was the glance to his watch. Merlin didn't bother with his hood, just took a breath and began to jog through the rain, water splashing up under his trainers and soaking into his jeans.

The clock at the front of the station was inching perilously close to five minutes too late by the time Merlin rounded the building, rain soaked through to his skin over his shoulders and thighs.

"Fuck," he breathed as he slotted his ticket through the turnstiles and ran along the walkway, dodging a few people as he caught sight of the monitors in passing, not seeing his damn train, and when he ground to a shaking halt above platform 4 the tracks were empty, no train, no people. "Fuck!" he said again and checked his watch. "Bloody hell." The cold was creeping up into his skin now as he walked over to the boards. A breeze came in through the station and seeped through the fabric along Merlin's legs, his torso, water running from his hair into the collar of his jacket.

It was past 10 now and he didn't even need to check to know that nothing would be running that time of the evening back into the country. "Fuck," he said again as he stared up at the big clock, watched it tick over another minute.

"Got 10p for a tea, mate?" someone asked, pulling at Merlin's elbow and Merlin stepped back, shook his head. The small flash of pride at the _mate_ got lost in the cold, and he got his mobile out as he walked back towards the exit of the station, dialing his mum who'd be thrilled to drive an hour in the pissing rain to come and fetch him.

Merlin wrapped an arm around himself as the ring went out and he stood in the corner of the entrance, shaded from the wind and strange people hanging about the station at ten at night. This moment in time he just wanted to get warm. The call went to voicemail, and Merlin was certainly not crying frustrated, cold tears. He rubbed at his eyes and tried again, bouncing on his toes for warmth. Voicemail again. "Fuck," he said.

"Merlin?"

Merlin looked up and right at Arthur standing in the station's entrance. A car passed by behind him, making his hair glow for a second, eyes dark in the shade of his face. He angled his umbrella just so to keep the rain from his face. He looked perfect.

"Thought you'd be on the train?"

"Missed it," Merlin said. "Just-" Merlin gestured to the large clock and tried not to shiver too much, tried not to look too pathetic. "Thought you'd be home by now?"

"Stopping for a tea? I always get a tea for... when's the next train?"

Merlin laughed. "I live in the shitting country, mate," he said, then softened with another shiver down his back. "Next one's at 7 tomorrow morning, trying to call my mum to drive out and fetch me. She'll be telling me the whole way back that she won't let me go again if I can't- fuck."

"Oh."

"'Cept she's not picking up, so..." Merlin shrugged and rubbed his face on his inner elbow, shrugged again.

"You could..." Arthur stepped closer. "You're soaked," he said and ran his fingers through Merlin's wet hair, making more spill into his collar. "You could come home with me and you could call your mum from there or stay for the night and-... you probably shouldn't stay with a stranger for the night but-"

Merlin's chest went all tight and all warm on the inside when everything else still felt frozen. "Wouldn't- like, your dad? That'd be weird, wouldn't it? That-"

Arthur shook his head. "No, it-"

"No, I can't, I mean, I'll just wait for her here and-"

"That's stupid." Merlin scowled at Arthur and Arthur scowled back at Merlin. "Don't be an arse, that's just stupid. I'm not going to rape you or any-"

"Piss off," Merlin said because it hit too close to movies he couldn't fucking watch anymore without wanting to never set a foot outside again, and Arthur shut up and looked crestfallen, umbrella dripping water in front of his face.

"Tea, at least, I can get you a tea? But I won't leave you here, that's just dumb."

"I can get my own," Merlin said with narrowed eyes and pulled out his wallet and two pounds and paid for a tea. He kept his eyes on Arthur and frowned at him properly so he wouldn't try to be all nice.

"Fine," Arthur said and raised a hand placatingly when Merlin blew on his tea. "Freeze to death, see if I care." He paid for his own and juggled umbrella and tea. "You're coming with me if she's not answering on the next one," he said when Merlin was trying again.

Wind blew through the station then and nearly made Merlin drop his phone, fingers red with cold.

"Stupid idiot," Arthur said and tugged at Merlin's elbow, just pulled him out of the station and under his umbrella.

"You can't make me."

"Feel free to stay out in the rain," Arthur said mid-stroll across the street but he didn't let go of Merlin's arm and Merlin made no great attempt to pull away.

"So you've got a car or-"

"Bus." Arthur audibly rolled his eyes, tone all wry and Merlin elbowed him in the side, nearly spilled his tea and then concentrated on sipping it as they stood at the bus stop.

The wind came hard around the corner here, turning the water to freezing ice on Merlin's skin but damned if he'd huddle closer to Arthur like some girl. Arthur raised an eyebrow at the foot's distance between them but didn't comment even if Merlin stayed suspiciously dry underneath the umbrella while Arthur's hair got damp down one side.

"That's the one," Arthur said as he nudged Merlin towards one of the buses and Merlin paid his fare before Arthur could even get his wallet out.

"Sure your dad won't mind you bringing someone home?"

"He's used to worse. Encouraged it even when it was girls." Arthur shrugged. "His idea of being a real man."

Merlin turned his face to look out of the window. That was going to be all grand then if he met Arthur's father. "He'll be right proud then," Merlin said, smiling brightly at Arthur.

Arthur frowned for a moment, then stared down at his hands. "Stop that, would you?"

"It's just the facts," Merlin said on a whisper and tugged his hands under his pits, just wanting to be warm again. Arthur gave no reply. "So you've been shagging girls then?"

"Been on a few dates with some," Arthur replied. "Back in London. Some girls, some blokes."

"Anything for longer?"

"Two. Interrogating me now?" Arthur reached over and tugged at the zipper of Merlin's hoodie, just playing with it, then dropping his hand between them and leaving it there, knuckles pressed to Merlin's thigh. "You?"

Merlin opened his mouth, about to point to himself and all the wrong bits and pieces and how it was all shit and what did Arthur think anyway, but Arthur looked serious and a bit sad and so Merlin just shook his head, didn't mention Freya, and shrugged and shook his head again before leaning his face to the window, watching the rain splash in long streaks on the glass.

"Do you want, with me? I mean," Arthur cleared his throat. "I want, ok? I'm just putting that out there." He ran a hand through his stupid perfect hair. "If you don't mind me sounding like an utter twat."

Merlin glanced back at Arthur and held eye contact. It felt warm in his chest, and warm against his side, Arthur offering and Arthur being there, but this was him, and this was Arthur who could have anyone, so he just gave this nod that he hoped conveyed _sorta_ okay and _not sure I even mind being your pussy fuck or pity fuck or tranny kick fuck_. "I'm fucked up," Merlin said quietly. "It's all- it's fucked up and-"

"That's okay. And you don't have to say now, but well, like I said, you don't have the monopoly on fucked-up ness, mate." Arthur jostled him with his shoulder, giving a small grin, and Merlin found himself grinning back.

"Daft sod," he muttered and brushed at his mouth to brush the smile away, but Arthur caught it, leaning over with his lips and Merlin met him for a brief moment of contact.

"This is me," Arthur said and got up, waited for Merlin to follow as they stepped out of the bus and back into the rain, Merlin trying his damndest to keep his teeth from chattering. They walked side by side down a street with posh little old houses, just being quiet and laughing when they accidentally ended up walking in step for a few moments, until Arthur stopped them and they walked up to one, big windows lit, bookcases upon bookcases visible from the outside.

"Old man's home," Arthur said, and Merlin reserved his instinctual reply and just gave a tight smile.

"Dad?" Arthur shouted after he'd unlocked the door. He was toeing off his sneakers and shrugging out of his jacket while Merlin slowly followed suit. "Dad?"

Arthur's father poked his head round from a door down the corridor, some papers in hand. "Arthur," he said, then took in Merlin.

"This is Merlin, from the group. He missed his train and is staying the night."

"I-" Merlin protested because that hadn't been part of the plan. Arthur's father's gaze swept over him and Merlin ran a hand through his hair, probably making it stick up in all directions and matching his ears and the rest of his body where things were sticking out incorrectly. "Good evening," Merlin said, trying for the deep voice but only sounding like a fool to himself.

"Ah," Arthur's father said. "Your parents are aware, I presume?"

"Merlin's going to call his mum and tell her. Don't worry, Dad. I'm handling it."

"Right." Arthur's father smiled, all indulgence at Arthur's impatient tone. "I'll leave you to it then. There's tea in the fridge if you care for a bite." He nodded at Merlin, looking him over again but giving no indication of approval or not, only faint distance, and disappeared again, the door closing.

"You're handling it?" Merlin asked, exhaling his tension and feeling the cold creep back in, shaking his body in a fully-body shiver.

"It's just a phrase, you arse," Arthur said and pulled Merlin further into the house and up the stairs. "Hungry?"

Merlin shook his head to Arthur's back and just followed, more looking to get warm than anything.

"Right, my room," Arthur said and opened the door.

The room was bigger than Merlin's, with windows to the back, and less chaotic too, only a few stacks of books for school on the desk and the computer on standby, the big bed in the corner and a few gay mags on the bedside table. Arthur picked some of the laundry off the floor as he walked in and shoved it into a corner, then turned back to Merlin. Merlin's eyes skittered to the bed again and back to Arthur.

"I'll make some tea and- you can call your mum, ok? Ok, yeah." Arthur looked flustered, brushing a few strands of emo hair from his forehead.

Merlin nodded in reply. Arthur walked past Merlin out of the room again, hesitating, but then just grinning at him and Merlin listened to his stomping footfall down the stairs. He pulled his mobile from his pocket and his mum picked up this time and it was a lot _I'm fine, mum_ and _I'll catch the early one tomorrow, mum, it's the weekend_ and _don't worry_ with a heap of apologies thrown in for good measures. While he was talking Merlin was flicking through the stuff on Arthur's desk, scanned the titles of the few books on his shelves, a few untouched classics and some Pratchett and Gaiman. There was hope, at least.

"Got the tea," Arthur said.

"You're into politics?" Merlin asked as he turned around, unable to keep the laughter from bubbling from his throat. He nodded at the Lib Dem membership letter behind glass on Arthur's wall. "You _framed_ your-"

Arthur set the tea on his desk, toppling some books. "Some people," he said, face flushed a hint of red, "believe in making actions follow their words and-"

"-you framed it." Merlin laughed out loud now.

Arthur grabbed him around the waist and dragged him down to the bed, making both of them land with an oomph and creaking springs.

"I believe in something, you tosser," Arthur said as he caught Merlin's wrists and pushed them down to the side.

Merlin tried to kick at his stomach, still laughing too hard to put up too much of a fight, but enjoying every fucking minute of this, of Arthur physical and strong and not treating him like he would break any second, just treating him right. Merlin managed to knee him in the side and roll them over, but Arthur soon had him pinned again, weight and bulk on his side and Merlin should really, really start working out and build up some proper muscle mass.

Arthur leaned down, hair brushing over Merlin face as he pressed a kiss to his smiling lips, all deliberately wet and icky and Merlin struggled again, then just collapsed into laughter, chest heaving against Arthur's, dragging his wet shirt and binder over his skin, the heating in Arthur's room near non-existent. His laughter mixing with Arthur's low rumble that would have made Merlin jealous any other day. That, well, still made him jealous now.

"Posh wanker," Merlin said, butting his head against Arthur's shoulder. Arthur's heat bled through the shirt.

"Dick."

Arthur blanketing him made him warm only until the reality of wet clothes on his skin sank through the adrenaline and he shivered against Arthur's body. His teeth chattered before he clenched down on them. He wriggled underneath Arthur, leaving damp spots on his blankets.

"You should get out of those clothes," Arthur said, as he knelt up and moved over, gaze taking in the shirt stuck to Merlin's body, curves accentuated.

Merlin sat up to the edge of the bed, fingers curled into the blankets on the bed. He felt the shivers in his body, his shoulders shaking, water dripping from his hair to run down his neck still.

"You're gonna catch your death," Arthur said into the silent room. He shifted up behind Merlin and pushed his head to the side, pressed a kiss to his neck. Merlin stared down between his knees, wanting to press up closer to Arthur. Arthur brushed his fingers through Merlin's hair, tousling a small part of it. "I'll get you a towel, yeah?" he said, then moved off the bed and out of the room.

Merlin pulled at the fabric clinging to his arms, then pulled down the zipper of his hoodie and shrugged it off. He listened for sounds outside the room but either Arthur was quiet or too far away because he couldn't hear a thing. One of the walls was Arthur doing sports. Arthur as a nine-year old at the football, rugby, cricket, watching horseracing and being bored out of his skull, then sitting on a horse being proud and trying to hide his fear, a few years younger than now boxing, body heavy and thick.

Merlin put his hands to the bottom of his shirt when the door creaked open again and Arthur stepped in, towel in hand. Merlin froze, then pulled his shirt up by the hem and drew it over his head, dropping it with the hoodie.

"You're staring, you git," Merlin said, trying for easy and relaxed and ignored the trembling in his body brought on by cold and nerves, his binder shifting with his movements. "This is- it," Merlin said and gestured to his body. "It's pretty shit. Maybe you should go for a chick with a dick if you want tits and a cock-"

"Shut up."

Merlin shut up.

"I'm fat, you know," Arthur said, as he drew his shirt over his head and poked at his bare stomach, squeezed a small roll of fat between his fingers then slapped his pecs. "And I got acne bad enough last year that my face was raw and now it's, well, fucked. I don't like my nose either and I wish my dick didn't curve to the right when I get hard." Arthur's nipples hardened with the cold, hair on his chest and down his stomach and disappearing in his jeans. "So how can you want me?" Arthur held his head high through the flush on his cheeks.

"It's different," Merlin said.

Arthur picked the towel from the floor and threw it at Merlin's head. It slapped into Merlin's face the dropped into Merlin's hands from there. "Who cares, eh? Who the fuck cares?"

"A shit ton of people care! All the people who think I'm some kind of freak care. I wish they wouldn't care. I wish they wouldn't call me dyke and lesbo and other shit because every single fucking time it means that they think I'm a woman and it's-" Merlin threw the towel back at Arthur who caught it before it hit him. "-every single fucking day this, is it, this is- the shit that I see in the mirror that makes me think I'm not even looking at myself. And it's fine, oh, it's fine if it was just me but every detail, every hour something drums it home that I must be fucked in the head."

The silence settled as Arthur draped the towel over his naked shoulders. He looked at Merlin then shrugged and sat on the bed. "I like you," he said quietly. "Sue me." He dropped back flat onto his back and stared at the ceiling, then moved an arm to settle across his eyes. His cock was bulging his jeans right up and Merlin wanted that and wanted to have that.

Arthur looked perfect laid out on the bed, and Merlin wanted to run his hands from his shoulder over pecs and nipples down his stomach to the top of his jeans, lower and inside. As Arthur's nipples were puckered on his chest, Merlin's hardened under his binder, pulling against the wet material. He clenched his thighs, caught between wanting to be on the bed with Arthur and everything that was wrong about his body. He brought his hand up and rubbed his fingertips over his nipple showing through the material, peaked and sensitive and his hips pushed forward, smallest sound in his throat.

Arthur looked up, arm gone from his face and Merlin didn't move, just dragged his fingertips over his nipple again and inhaled sharply before exhaling again.

"Come here," Arthur said and held out his hand.

Merlin ignored that but stepped closer between Arthur's splayed legs. Arthur pushed up on his elbow and hooked two fingers around Merlin's belt and pulled him closer until Merlin was first kneeling astride Arthur and then tumbled haphazardly on top of him, crushing a laugh into an _ow_ sound when one his elbows lodged against Arthur's ribs. Arthur pushed Merlin off to the side and leaned up and across and kissed Merlin, hand going to Merlin's hair. His breath was warm, tongue inching out to draw a line over Merlin's lips before he pushed his own against it.

Arthur's fingers brushed over his on his chest, brushed over his nipple and Merlin's hips fucked into the air. Different to touching himself, different to imagining being touched by someone else. Arthur rubbed his nipple between thumb and index finger and ran the palm of his hand flat across the binder.

With his briefs wet already, and that was slightly embarrassing, Merlin sat up, grasped the hem of his binder and pulled it off over his head, wriggling out of it. The cool air made him shiver. He kept his hands at his sides, didn't cover himself, only glared at Arthur because this was him, this was the weird stuff on his chest.

Arthur's fingers skirted up his ribs until he was cupping Merlin's breast, thumb shifting over Merlin's nipple. Head bent forward he exhaled against Merlin's neck, then chuckled at the goosebumps breaking out over Merlin's skin.

"Under the covers?" Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's neck, and Merlin turned his face to make it a proper kiss and chase away the unease in his stomach, the running commentary of _never done this before_. Arthur nipped at Merlin's neck and his hand slipped lower to Merlin's side again as he pushed him. "Move, you're on top of the blankets."

Merlin fell backwards, flailed as his fingers reached thin air on one side and he slid off the bed with the motion, landing on the floor with a thump and his elbow knocking against the bed. He reached up for one of the pillows on the bed and threw it in Arthur's general direction. It bounced and crashed into something that fell, and Merlin was fumbling for another to stuff Arthur's stupid laughing mouth with something, but Arthur took it from his hand before Merlin could throw it and hung his head over the side of the bed, blond hair falling into his eyes.

"So sorry," Arthur side, face split on a grin.

Merlin couldn't help but laugh, couldn't help but smack Arthur's shoulder either as he crawled back onto the bed under the covers while Arthur did the same on the other side. He shivered again with the cold sheets on his naked skin but then Arthur was there, chest pressed to Merlin's, legs winding around Merlin, nevermind the wetness of their jeans at the bottom. Arthur pulled the blanket up to their noses and went cross-eyed when he tried to look at Merlin all that close up. His hand was splayed over Merlin's shoulder blade.

"Think I can give you a bald patch here?" Merlin asked into the space between them and tugged at the bit of fuzz on Arthur's chest.

"Wanker," Arthur said as he kneed Merlin. Merlin kneed him back, best as he could.

It was crazy that he could feel Arthur's heart in his chest, the rough tightness of Arthur's nipples under his fingers, the way Arthur's hips would push against his when Merlin scratched his nails down Arthur's ribs. Merlin closed the rest of the distance between them and kissed Arthur, sucking his lower lip between his and pushing his tongue into Arthur's mouth, dragging it over Arthur's tongue. The blanket world around them made up their little cocoon of warmth and skin. Arthur was warm everywhere, soft going to coarser skin, hair from soft fuzz to curly closer to the waistband of his jeans and his pits, musky and all cologne and a bit of sweat and Arthur. The pads of Arthur's fingers drew a pattern up his spine to the nape of his neck and into his hair, down over his shoulder to his chest, following the shape of his breast to his nipple, circling, making Merlin most certainly not make stupid noises that made Arthur laugh and Merlin try to get him in the balls.

"Your hair's getting dry," Arthur muttered between one kiss and another.

"You're just setting up for a shit joke," Merlin gave back but shifted his thigh higher between Arthur's, pressing against his junk, while Arthur did the same.

"It would have been brilliant!" Arthur gave back and jostled Merlin with his shoulder.

Merlin elbowed him in the stomach. "Brilliantly stupid." He rocked his thigh up against Arthur's crotch and Arthur moaned into his ear. Not just one of those little sounds, those hitched breaths and things he caught before they came out, but a proper moan. Merlin pushed his thigh up higher again, and Arthur's fingernails dug into Merlin's skin for a moment as he thrust his hips forward.

"You hard?" Merlin whispered against Arthur's jaw and tried to look down between them into the darkness of the blankets. Merlin curbed the urge to go _Really? Is that what it is like? Ace_ and instead be cool and look experienced and ignore that he breathed a little faster, ignore that his hips were moving with those small thrusts as well.

"Getting there," Arthur replied and moved his hand from Merlin's hip to his own crotch, knuckles brushing against Merlin's.

Merlin's heart was racing, mouth dry even as Arthur angled for another kiss. Merlin moved his own hand down Arthur's chest, past the waistband of Arthur's jeans until his fingers tangled with Arthur's, until Arthur moved his hand out of the way and Merlin traced the bulge in Arthur's jeans.

"Fuck," Arthur said.

"Yeah?" Merlin tried to figure out what bit was cock and what was balls and what was just massive thigh somewhere underneath. He squeezed the bulge a little and Arthur pressed his hips forward, forced his crotch against Merlin's hand.

Arthur wriggled under the blankets, his fingers tangling with Merlin's briefly until he'd worked his jeans buttons open, pushing at his jeans to force the fabric out of the way.

Merlin tried to think of porn dialogue that would be appropriate but only drew his fingers over Arthur's underwear, cock hot and distinct inside.

"Can I..." Merlin asked, trailing off because _Can I see it?_ sounded creepy as hell.

Arthur pushed the blanket down, wordless, hips moving a little and Merlin pulled the blanket around him as he slid lower on the bed, wearing it like a cape as he bared Arthur, watched him shiver.

"You're weird," Arthur said, a hand behind his head, the other at his side before it found Merlin's head and pushed at him.

"Sue me," Merlin replied laughing, and scooted lower until he was curled around Arthur's thighs, head pillowed on Arthur's hip. "Wish you were fat," he said as he tried to get comfortable with the hipbone poking into his cheek.

Arthur's fingers were in his hair, just playing with it, sending silly shivers down Merlin's back.

Merlin pushed a hand out from under the blankets and drew his fingers down the curve of Arthur's cock, watched it move inside the boxers. The boxers were tenting like they rarely did in porn because everyone was always naked anyway and it looked weird but... not. Merlin pushed the band of the boxers out of the way and Arthur's cock lay naked against his thigh, twitching as Merlin stared at it.

Merlin closed his fingers loosely around the length, tightening only until he was touching the cock fully and Arthur's fingers clenched in his hair.

"Shh," Merlin muttered, wetting his lips. He shifted his grip higher, finger and thumb brushing over the foreskin covering the head and leaving that gap at the tip that flared wider when Merlin slowly pushed his fingers back, dragging the foreskin off the head. Arthur was wet underneath, much like Merlin between his legs. When Merlin let go, the foreskin slid back a little, half covering the head again.

"Yeah, do that," Arthur said above him.

Merlin twisted around and Arthur wasn't watching, Arthur had his face buried in a pillow off to the side. Merlin grasped the foreskin and pulled it back and let it slide again, back and forth. Arthur's body tensed as he thrust up a little, moan in his throat, and Merlin chuckled and watched precome slide from the slit of his cock and over the foreskin, wetting Merlin's fingers as he exposed Arthur's cockhead and covered his again, moving with Arthur's thrusts.

Arthur's cock was growing hotter and fully flushed, hardening while soft underneath until the foreskin didn't slide back again but left his cock head exposed. Merlin drew his thumb over it, ignored Arthur's strangled sound and drew his thumb over it again before he brought the wetness to his lips for a taste. It didn't taste like he did, different.

"It's not that bad, with the curve," Merlin said and followed the curve of Arthur's dick with his fingertip from tip to base.

Arthur's skin was growing damp under Merlin's cheek. Merlin pressed a kiss there, to the curls of blonde hair at the base of Arthur's cock and then to the hot, soft head of Arthur's cock, to the length of it.

Arthur tugged at Merlin's hair, muttered, "Fuck yeah."

"Not sucking you off," Merlin said with a small laugh as he curled tighter around Arthur's legs to still his movement. "Can't see a thing if I'd suck you off." And he wasn't sure he wouldn't choke on it and he really didn't need vomit traumas for his first time. "Just this," Merlin said, and closed his fingers around Arthur's cock again, taking some of that wetness from the head and spreading it down the length, then licking his palm and bringing it back to Arthur's cock to move his hand up and down. "It's so hard," Merlin said as he traced his thumb around the flare of Arthur's cockhead.

"Not for long," Arthur ground out and bucked his hips into every down stroke of Merlin's fingers, everything getting slippery and hot and sweaty.

"Yeah?" Merlin asked and moved his hand faster. He pressed his crotch against Arthur's thigh, grinding against him through layers of blankets and jeans.

Arthur's fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck that was getting damp with sweat, moans coming from Arthur with every movement.

"Your father better not be listening," Merlin said.

Arthur smacked him about the back of the head, laughed despite himself and then groaned when Merlin tightened his fingers and moved his hand faster, precome sliding over his knuckles and pooling on Arthur's thigh and belly as drops of it slid off.

"Gonna come," Arthur said, and Merlin knew and Merlin was fucking watching for it, as Arthur's balls pulled tight and his cock jerked and then came. Come shot onto Arthur's stomach, a bit of it catching on Merlin's nose, then slid over Merlin's fingers as he continued to jerk him. Hips tight and canted up, Arthur continued to thrust into the touch, panting and whimpering and clutching at Merlin's head.

"Fuck," Merlin said as he loosened the clasp of his fingers. He spread them, and come spiderwebbed between them, before he closed them around Arthur's cock again, giving it another few jerks. Arthur's cock softened with every movement until the foreskin slid loose with Merlin's fingers, covering the head, pushing come down and then pulling it up with the next up stroke. "Fuck," Merlin said again as he rubbed his thumb over the tip of Arthur's cock.

"Merlin!" Arthur said, sounding a bit strangled, as he pushed at Merlin's head but Merlin only pulled himself tighter around Arthur's body and repeated the movement, felt Arthur shudder underneath him. When he let go of the cock it flopped to Arthur's belly, come sliding from the small opening the foreskin left. Merlin nudged it with his fingers, made it flop the other way and ignored Arthur pulling at his hair, because this was a cock. This was ... a cock doing what cocks did.

Merlin lifted his hand to his face, then just rubbed it on Arthur's thigh and pressed a kiss to his cock as he moved back again to settle his cheek on Arthur's head. He lifted Arthur's cock by the head and let go, watched it settle where it fell, soft and warm.

"Would you stop touching it?" Arthur asked, and fisted himself only once, shuddering through that, then wiped his hand on his thigh like Merlin had, a little higher.

Merlin loosely closed his fingers around Arthur's cock, only held it, felt it. "I like it," Merlin said. He rubbed his thumb up the length.

"Good, I guess," Arthur replied. "Going to give me some of the blanket? Freezing here."

"Tosser," Merlin said but moved further up the bed, dragging the blanket over Arthur's cooling body. Arthur shifted until he lay curled against Merlin, head pressed to the bony part of Merlin's chest, exhaling against Merlin's skin. Merlin stretched his arm down between them under the blankets and his fingertips found Arthur's soft cock, lifted it, rubbed along it. Arthur laughed but Merlin didn't much care, only buried his nose in Arthur's hair, breathing in and exhaling across it.

Sounds came from downstairs, chairs scraping, pots clanging.

"You're hot now," Arthur said against Merlin's skin, pressing a kiss to the top of his breast, sucking a little at his skin.

"Only now?" Merlin asked and flicked at Arthur's ear until Arthur batted his hand away.

Arthur settled his hand on Merlin's side, following the line of a rib to Merlin's breast bone and down over his stomach circling his belly button. Merlin thrust his hips into the touch, heat pooling where Arthur was touching and deeper, lower. Arthur's fingers played over the waist of Merlin's jeans, flicking at the buttons, then drew back to scratch over the skin just above again.

Merlin let Arthur's cock slip from his fingers, and entwined his fingers with Arthur's. He slipped their hands lower and settled Arthur's palm on the bulge at his crotch. "Touch me like you would any other bloke," Merlin said and rubbed Arthur's thumb along the line of his fake cock. Merlin ground up into the touch, the slow squeezes, the way Arthur's thumb and index finger followed his length as if he was milking him. Being touched, being close like this, Merlin exhaled into Arthur's hair, felt Arthur's puffs of breath against his chest. Arthur splayed his fingers, tips dragging across Merlin's inner thighs and between his legs, teasing at the fabric, before they returned to map the shape of his cock and balls.

Arthur popped the buttons on Merlin's jeans and pushed his hand inside, kneading the bulge in Merlin's briefs, chuckling when Merlin moaned and canted his hips up for a harder touch. "Bloody impatient," Arthur said and rubbed along Merlin's length a little faster, dragging the wet crotch of Merlin's briefs over his clit and bits, sending a new flash of arousal into everything. Arthur's fingers tightened on every upstroke, tendons moving under Merlin's fingertips, knuckles bumping out the blanket. Merlin pushed his hips into the movement, unable to keep the moan in whenever fabric dragged across his clit and caught on his skin, rubbing teasing sensation between his legs.

Merlin entwined their fingers again, exhaling sharply when Arthur stroked him once more, then he pushed Arthur's hand into his briefs, fingers catching awkwardly on the band in mortifying ways before Arthur laughed and Merlin smacked his shoulder with his free hand.

"It's really warm," Arthur said, fingers moving along Merlin's bare length.

Merlin shrugged and dragged Arthur's hand past that, shoving cock and balls in that little home-made pouch aside and settled Arthur's fingers on his sweaty pubic hair underneath. Everything was tight, the arousal in his stomach and the muscles in his thighs and the breath caught in his lungs.

"You don't have to," Merlin said, even when the thought of Arthur touching him there, fingertips and heat and someone else's touch, was exactly what he wanted.

"You want to though?" Arthur asked, fingers still and curved to Merlin's shape.

"Yeah," Merlin said. He released Arthur's fingers and closed his around his cock, twisting a movement from base to tip, relishing the heavy warmth.

"So hot down here." Arthur's lips caught on Merlin's skin, dampening it with every exhale, as his fingers slowly slid down, dragging along Merlin's clit from base to tip.

"Fuck." Merlin felt his legs trembling as he tried to keep himself, tried not to thrust or disturb the moment. "Fuck."

"Yeah." Arthur chuckled and shifted to curve his fingers more, sliding past Merlin's clit to the slickness between his legs. Merlin spread his legs to the touch, buried his face in Arthur's hair and couldn't help the small movements of his hips into the touch. Arthur's fingers slipped further down and up again, parting folds of skin and sliding over wetness, circling Merlin's hole. He kept his fingertips there, length of his fingers pressed tight to Merlin's clit.

Merlin's clenched his thighs around Arthur's hand as he rocked into the touch, pleasure pooling in his bits.

"You're hot," Arthur said again.

Merlin wanted to call it out as some stupid bedside manners lie, shit you said to people you fucked, but Arthur sounded so in awe and so real that he didn't want that to go away by saying some stupid wrong thing that would get him kicked out of bed, make Arthur realize how everything's somehow wrong and weird.

"I like it," Arthur said as he twisted around and pressed the words to Merlin's neck, rubbed his fingers against Merlin's sex in counter movement to Merlin's thrust.

Merlin bit his lip to keep in the silly sounds, held his breath to keep in the silly breaths, but Arthur just curved his fingers a little more and tease one tip at Merlin's hole, painting wetness around the rim, and Merlin pushed them both around until Arthur was half on his back and Merlin could fuck into the pressure, could press his cock against Arthur's thigh and his clit against Arthur's hand. He didn't care that he was panting like an idiot, that Arthur's free hand tangled in his hair or that his teeth bit Merlin's jaw.

"Can I...?" Arthur asked and teased the finger a bit more, and Merlin nodded, moaned when the finger slipped a little ways into him, palm of Arthur's hand rubbing circles over Merlin's clit. Merlin clenched around Arthur, laughed with the new sensation of something alive touching him and continued to rock in small rolling thrusts against Arthur's hand.

Things got hotter, and calmed, rolling in waves until Arthur's palm and Merlin's crotch were slippery slick and Merlin started laughing softly and couldn't stop. He pulled away from Arthur, slowly drew Arthur's hand from briefs and jeans and moved in closer again, Arthur's hand squashed between them.

"It's fine," Merlin said before Arthur could start the macho posturing or seven hells of failure cycle. "Rubbed it raw with vibrators, is all," he said, not blushing, mostly definitely not blushing.

"Piss off," Arthur said, guffawing and Merlin smacked his bare stomach under the blanket, hiding his face in Arthur's shoulder. He didn't mind Arthur's laughter that followed, didn't mind the quiet, "I like it," either.

***

"Thought I'd bloody well told you not to fire them," Merlin shouted down the line, then ripped off his headset and pushed his laptop off his knees. He scooted back on the bed and watched his guild getting massacred on the screen, tinny voices ringing from his headphones. His English stuff sat on the bedside table and he pulled it over, adding another line to the essay on the poem he always fell asleep reading 3 lines in.

He grabbed his bass instead and ran his fingers along the neck, then played out one of their songs, foot tapping the beat out against the side of his bed.

 _you there?_ pinged on his chat. Arthur.

Merlin leaned forward and stretched over his guitar, squashing his breasts. _yeah. hi_

 _cool_

Merlin hesitated on the keys, then typed, _you there saturday?_

 _yeah_ A moment later Arthur added, _just wanted to say hi_

 _yeah?_

 _hi  
:D_

Then Arthur signed off before Merlin could reply anything and Merlin dropped back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling, tried not to think of Arthur but inevitably thought of Arthur while his avatar was bleeding out on the screen. He dragged his headset on. "Are we dead enough to regroup yet?" he asked as he switched screens.

"You're the only one who's hiding in the mud, mate," one of the Northern guys replied and Merlin flipped him off.

He did his homework right before his eyes closed for the night and it was predictably barely passable, but pass it did.

***

The countryside was brushing past in hills of green shrubbery and grass, drizzle against the windows.

"I think he's lame though. He comes in all badass and shit and then by the end of it he's in love with the girl and you can see the dripping honey passing between their eyes. Music comes on. Happy end, aren't we glad to have sold another Love Reforms All Evil fantasy."

"That wasn't the point though," Merlin gave back and grabbed some of the crisps from the bag between them, stuffing them into his mouth. "The point was that he defied the expectations of everyone and went his own way to-"

"-die a stereotype for Hollywood with a wife and kids and sudden change in attitude."

"You suck." Merlin rolled his eyes and lifted Arthur's hand from the bag to push his own inside. "Majorly."

"Whatever. You just watch lame movies." Arthur elbowed Merlin, grabbed the bag and held it out of reach. "Lame," he said again.

"Wanker," Merlin replied and got out of his seat, half-leaning across Arthur as he angled for the crisps bag, laughing when Arthur just shoved him off his lap until Merlin sat half in the aisle half between Arthur's feet. Merlin punched against Arthur's shin, ducking out of the way when Arthur kicked at him.

Arthur stretched luxuriously as he popped another crisp into his mouth, then sprayed crumbs everywhere when Merlin grabbed the bag and crawled back into his seat. He'd have bruises on his arms and legs tomorrow but it was worth it when Arthur looked at him like that and brushed his knuckles along Merlin's thigh when he thought Merlin was too busy sorting through the bag for the perfect crisp.

"You should kiss me," Arthur said, mouth all speckled with salt and crumbs as he pushed his face towards Merlin's.

"Piss off," Merlin replied laughing and fended him off with a hand against Arthur's chest, until Arthur relented and settled for nudging his chin onto Merlin's shoulder, rubbing his mouth against Merlin's ear. "Arse. That's the barn," Merlin said as he pointed out through the window, "where they do film nights with the projector."

Seeing his village through Arthur's eyes, what Arthur must make of the lake shining through the trees, the first of the houses, the derelict station, it was a bit strange. Arthur's salt & vinegar breath brushed past Merlin's face and Merlin turned his face enough to press a kiss to Arthur's nasty lips, grinning at the warmth inside of him when Arthur's face lit up but he was keeping quiet and pointing out one of the farms and asking about it.

"That it?" Arthur said, nodding at the outside, when they rolled into the station.

Merlin nodded and shooed him up, brushing off crumbs from himself and creases. They stepped off the train amidst a small group of locals, Primark bags and Mc D rubbish in hand. Merlin tugged on Arthur's sleeve to steer him out, then let go as he led him down Main Street, past the shops and down side roads.

"As I said, it's pretty shit," Merlin said as he kicked a pebble to the side of the road, watched it bounce away.

"London doesn't have this, not even further out," Arthur said, pausing in front of a small garden with chickens tutting at him. "Not as far as Islington anyway." The wind was brushing through the trees, birds chirping away; a dog barked somewhere

"Because they're, like, normal in London, not twenty years backwards."

Arthur shrugged and knelt in front of the chickens, watching them watching him. "I think it's trying to talk to me," Arthur said and cocked his head at the chicken as the chicken was cocking its head at Arthur.

"What's it saying?"

"That my boyfriend's an arse."

Merlin waited out the beat after. "That so?" he asked when Arthur turned to look over his shoulder then straightened up.

"Pretty much." Arthur grinned at him and waved at the chicken as he began to walk again. "You want to file a protest against that notion?"

Merlin pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans, popped one of the earbuds from his iPod into his ear. "Fine by me," he said easily as he brushed past Arthur, knocking into his shoulder and making Arthur shove back at him, laughing, until they tousled around each other, half stumbling off the side of the road, half landing in the grass head over tits.

Merlin's heart thrummed but Arthur wouldn't get the all-caps excitement at being someone's _boy_ friend, the way Arthur's ease could make him bawl on the spot if he'd let it, so he swallowed it in laughter and in fighting against Arthur's grip on his arms, pushing against him, when Arthur turned them both and managed to bite at Merlin's neck.

"We should work out together," Arthur said when they were walking straight on again, a bit out of breath, Merlin smiling stupidly he was sure. "Make sure you can take me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

Merlin watched their hands dangle side by side but damned if he'd get all girl about this kinda shit, so he just went with letting their knuckles brush, on accident, as they would.

"I should convince my father to get chickens," Arthur announced. "I'd keep them in my room."

"You could perfect your language skills." Merlin laughed and Arthur seemed pleased.

"Exactly. I'd have someone to spill all the shit to at night when I want to put my fist through the wall." Arthur caught Merlin's glance across, shrugged but didn't elaborate.

"They'd be good for that. Bit too stupid maybe."

"Bigger brain than my boyfriend," Arthur said and started running a moment before Merlin could start pursuing him, going full-tilt down the road for a minute or two until Arthur stopped abruptly and Merlin ran into him, got caught by him, and they stood at the side of the road for a while, panting on each other's skin, Arthur's fingers hooked in the loops of Merlin's belt.

Merlin couldn't stop grinning, or laughing really, but he just pushed at Arthur's shoulder to make him step away. "It's round the corner so just- keep quiet, okay?"

Arthur raised an eyebrow at him but fell into step with Merlin as they rounded the corner to Merlin's house. Merlin put his finger to his lips and held his breath as the small gate managed to open with lack of creaking. Arthur, pressed closed behind him, was shaking with suppressed laughter as Merlin fitted the key into the lock and walked in, real quiet. The radio was blaring from the kitchen, and Merlin pointed up the stairs and started ahead.

Arthur coughed behind him, stopping, and Merlin stopped as well and turned on the stairs.

"Mum," Merlin said, staring down at her.

She was wiping her hands on a dishcloth, hair hanging into her face that she brushed away while they were announcing the weather for the day on the news. She looked between Arthur and Merlin.

"This is Arthur," Merlin said eventually, and it felt a bit like Freya all over again. _This is Freya, she's my- we're together but it's not like that, it's not..._ and lesbian had stuck in his mum's mind since. "I stayed at his when I missed the train," Merlin added.

"Hello," she said and reached her hand up for Arthur to shake.

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am," Arthur replied, smiling

"Are you staying for tea?" she asked when Merlin had already started up the stairs, hoping Arthur was damn well following, but Arthur had stopped and was looking at him all eyebrows raised when he turned around.

"His train goes before six. We're just going upstairs now, kay?"

"Mad-"

"Mum," Merlin replied, more cutting than he should have probably but he was sick of the questions and sick of Arthur's confused glance and sick of awkward like this. His mum waved the dishcloth and went back into the kitchen.

"You can stop being such an arse to your mum, you know," Arthur said, face set.

Merlin turned on his heel and went further up the stairs. Arthur followed behind.

"Hey, you," Arthur tried again.

"Just drop it," Merlin replied because it wasn't like Arthur understood this, how it was to be the girl, to be the lesbian, to hear the _you need to keep it a secret_ speech when dating girls wasn't even the thing on the agenda. "Bet she's thrilled I'm getting fucked by a real fucking man."

"You can be a total douche sometimes."

"Cheers, mate," Merlin replied and pushed the door to his room open. "Right this is it." The curtains were still drawn and it was a fucking mess if Merlin was honest, Coke cans on the desk and laundry strewn about, the curtains drawn on the window behind his bed. His textbooks from school with his schedule and some note of the exam dates were on his desk but Merlin only thumbed through it whenever his mum mentioned the A-Levels because she saw a report on the TV. He had other things to worry about.

Arthur stopped in the doorway, leaned against it with crossed arms.

"What?" Merlin bit out. Everything was too tight, expectations within these walls of something he wasn't, and it clawed at his throat and made all his clothes sit wrong and he probably shouldn't have invited Arthur to his pigsty and shown off the CDs stacked everywhere, the emo poetry that sounded like he'd slit his wrist any moment, the stink of himself in the room.

"Hey," Arthur said, sounding hurt. "Hey, I'm not here to cut you down, man."

Merlin shrugged.

Arthur walked into the room and all close, toed off his trainers on the way until his socked feet were pressed to Merlin's.

"It's difficult with her, it's... complicated."

"Okay." Arthur slid his fingers into Merlin's hair, tugged a bit. "She looked pretty sad."

Merlin shrugged again. "You wouldn't get it," he said.

"Yeah, 'cause my mum died when I was a baby."

Merlin shoved at him. "Fuck off, you don't get to play that card."

"Yeah?" Arthur stood his ground.

"I've no idea who my dad is so we're both one short, wanker."

"Think you wouldn't piss about with it that much then," Arthur replied and pushed past Merlin to sit on his bed, chin all poked out and perfect with the t-shirt, stretching tight over his chest (perfect again), with his legs splayed. "I'd murder for a pack of crisps," Arthur said into the silence.

"It'll fuck up your face more."

"Dick." Arthur reached for one of the pillows from Merlin's bed and threw it at him, grinning when it hit Merlin in the face, like the sorry tosser he was. He grabbed for the next one before Merlin could move and tackle him and keep him from coming face first with the vibrators he kept under the pillow. "Ah!" Arthur grinned as he caught Merlin's flying tackle with ease, throwing them both around the bed, catching Merlin's wrists in his hands, trying to pin him.

"That's private," Merlin said, laughing as his shirt pushed up with the movement and they both slid off the bed with hard thumps, Arthur sliding over him, cursing with carpet burns and giving Merlin enough of a chance to go after him and jump on his back, clench his arm around Arthur's neck.

Arthur let himself fall backward, squashing Merlin fully underneath and stretched out, arms spread, wriggling. "Bit of a boney mattress you make, mate," he said. "Got to fatten you up, yeah?"

Merlin shoved at Arthur hips, kicked out at his legs, but Arthur just enjoyed the easy advantage, dropping his head back.

"Suffocating here," Merlin said.

"Calling me fat, boneboy? Shut it."

Merlin laughed, breathless, and just rested his hand on Arthur's hip, sneaked his fingers under Arthur's shirt to brush across Arthur's bare stomach. Merlin spread his knees apart, wriggled a bit, then gave a little shove of his hips up.

"You going to fuck me? Stick it in me hard and make me feel it?" Arthur crooned, pressed his arse down against Merlin's crotch. Merlin laughed, but wanted. It wasn't really any more difficult than that. Arthur turned under oomphs and shoves and rearranging of limbs and the floor being pretty fucking hard. "Will you?" he asked, face to face and lips to lips with Merlin, eyes blue and wide and hair blonde and disheveled.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah." Arthur tugged at Merlin's hair. "Percival told me he'd make sure I never get laid again if I fucked with you."

"Arse," Merlin said.

"Yeah but... not fucking with you."

***

Class wouldn't end. Merlin had tried doodles and song writing and paying attention to no avail and more boredom while the post-industrialist notions of poverty and wealth slid past his ears and never really registered. The sun was out, making him want to get up and leave but as fucked as his grades were he wasn't quite rock bottoming it that way yet.

 _School sucks_ he texted Arthur in the break.

He was waiting for the text back but got no reply. It figured that Arthur actually kept his phone off when he was in class.

 _Started revising. All serious like,_ Arthur typed in chat later that night, reminding Merlin of the exam schedule he was ace at ignoring, the subjects he was ace at not paying attention to as well.

 _You'll be around later tho?_ Merlin replied.

 _Maybe. Shit busy though.  
Sent in my unis  
Dad all proud  
Fuck yeah London_

Merlin replied, _Cool,_ and left it at that.

***

"I like it," Arthur said. He trailed after Merlin up to Merlin's school building.

"You're the only one here then."

Merlin shifted his bass across his other shoulder. Saturdays were for staying in Birmingham and hiding in Arthur's room, not for being back here. They'd have to get a move on later to catch the last train back into the city.

"This is going to be lame. You know that, right?" Merlin took the steps up to the building first and led Arthur through the corridors.

"Whatever." Arthur peeked in through the doors of some of the classrooms, then jogged to catch up to Merlin again. Before they even reached the room, the sounds of Freya checking the mic and Ben running a few drum riffs with increasing exuberance.

Merlin took a deep breath before he opened the door. "This is it, just, sit over there." Merlin nodded towards the tables and chairs of the classroom they used for practice.

"Hi," Arthur said and gave a wave to Freya and Ben before dropping into a chair in the third row.

"That's Arthur, he's my- well, boyfriend," Merlin said as he unpacked his bass. When he glanced up Freya was staring at him, frozen at the mic and her eyes a little wide and shocked before she caught herself and continued the mic check.

"Cool," Ben said and nodded at Arthur, before looking to Merlin to pick his way through some scales and riffs on the bass. They found a rhythm soon, some easy improvisation, Freya joining in on the guitar after a few moments. They increased the speed until they all messed up laughing and let it end in a big mess of feedback.

"Nice," Merlin said, sharing a grin with Ben. When he looked towards Arthur, Arthur was watching him intently. Merlin raised his eyebrows at him but Arthur just waved at him to continue.

"We'll just start with _Tissues_ then?" Freya asked.

Merlin nodded and adjusted his bass strap, waiting for Ben's count in to start.

" _I'd give you rainbows and kittens and flowers and poems, I'd give you treasures I collected on a day on the beach, I'd sing you the lovesongs and make you a coffee, I'd kneel down and beg for a kiss,_ " Freya began to sing.

Merlin stared at the floor in front of his feet as he tried to remember the correct fingering and forced himself not to mess up, forced himself not to look up either at Arthur until after they were through with the song. Arthur clapped when the final notes rang out, and Merlin rolled his eyes at him before going into the leading bassline of the next track.

They worked smoothly through their small set-list only breaking up when they completely lost it somewhere midtrack and then picking up again. The last song was one they were still messing about with more often than not.

"If we change the tempo down around there though, where you play the filler," Merlin said and went into the track again, nodding along with Ben. "Just speed it up by an eighth maybe and come down on the off-beat when we switch back into the chorus." They played it that way once, then once more with Freya joining in.

"Definitely like that one better!" Ben whooped and twirled his drumsticks before clattering them down on the snare. "We good for today though? I gotta run, my mum's been on my case with the relatives."

Merlin nodded and turned back to his note stand to write down some of the tempo changes and adjustments.

"See you folks!" Ben shouted as he left the room the door clattering into the lock behind him.

"I'll be going, too," Freya said. She glanced from Merlin to Arthur. Merlin busied himself scribbling unnecessary things into the margins. "It was good to meet you, Arthur," she said once she'd packed up her guitar and stowed the mic.

"And you," Arthur said slowly.

They looked at each other across the rows of chairs between them as Arthur half-stood from his chair but then stopped.

"I''ll see you Monday," Freya said to Merlin and walked out of the room, leaving a bit of static amp feedback in her wake.

Merlin played a small bass riff, just to give his fingers something to do. Arthur walked from his chair in the third row to the first and leaned against the table, watching Merlin.

"What?" Merlin said.

"Sing me the last song you wrote."

Merlin felt himself blush and shook his head. "I don't sing, you know that." His fingers slid into the bass melody for it though and he couldn't stop grinning.

"No one else here," Arthur said. "Just me." He pushed up to sit on the table, feet dangling. "Just the last one."

Merlin hesitated then switched out his bass for one of the guitars. "It's shit, right, but..." He shrugged and tried to remember the exact chords progression. " _I painted a moustache to your face for a laugh, traded my charcoals for lips, hands and art schools. I'll make you right secret, right perfect, right sweetened._ "

He stopped. "It's stupid, right? Yeah."

"I like it," Arthur said. He pushed off the table and walked across to Merlin until his shirt was rasping over the string of the guitars. "I like you."

"You're an idiot," Merlin said.

"So?"

Arthur leaned in and kissed him, one hand on Merlin's flattened chest, the other curled around the nape of Merlin's neck.

"That's the only song you'll hear out of me. Ever."

"Whatever you say." Arthur laughed.

***

If Merlin straightened his t-shirt one more time it would fully stretch out at the neck and he'd look like a complete dolt. Already Arthur was looking at him like he wanted to burst into laughter any moment.

"You're fine."

"He's your dad."

"Exactly." Arthur rolled his eyes and pulled Merlin in close, kissed him, then nudged him out of the door and downstairs.

"Arthur, Merlin," Arthur's dad said when they stepped into the kitchen. He was washing his hands in the sink, the apron on the work bench next to him. "I'll just get it out of the oven."

"He cooked for you," Arthur whispered into Merlin's ear.

"He cooks all the time," Merlin whispered back, pointedly, and ignored Arthur's snicker and nudge of the elbow into his side.

"Sit," Arthur's dad said.

Merlin swallowed past the tightness in his throat and pulled out one of the chairs at the table for himself. Arthur smiled encouragingly at him but Merlin kept glancing at Arthur's dad for any hint of the typical confusion occasionally paired with pity.

"Thanks," Merlin said when Uther slid some of the casserole onto his plate and nodded for them to tuck in.

"You're from outside town?" Uther asked.

"Yeah, yes. Small village an hour and a half from here."

"And you come to Birmingham for the group Arthur goes to?"

"Yes." Merlin looked across to Arthur for a bit of help but Arthur was just grinning through a mouthful of food.

"You're doing your A-Levels as well I take it?"

"Yeah, I-" Merlin thought about the hours he hadn't spent studying and the hours he and Arthur had been pretend studying, lately with Arthur studying and Merlin dicking about on the computer. "Yeah sure. Sociology. And, ah, English. Critical Thinking."

"Hm. Which universities have you applied to?"

"I, uh..." Merlin started and looked to Arthur for just a little help, thanks very much.

"He's still trying to choose the right one, Dad. Right, Merlin?"

Merlin nodded absently, too busy to look for a reaction to the pronoun in Arthur's dad's face, but his dad nodded thoughtfully and went right past that.

"Schooling is important," he said instead. "It's the basis for your future."

"That's what I keep telling him," Arthur said with a grin. "We'll be sure to get our priorities straight, right, Merlin? The exams are properly soon."

Merlin nodded and didn't want to tell Arthur to piss off exactly with his expectations of what Merlin would be doing and should be doing.

"I'm glad to hear that," Arthur's dad said. "I'd hate for your school career to suffer any more through unfortunate... altercations."

Arthur's dad and Arthur exchanged a long look, Arthur frowning and his dad frowning right back at him. Merlin glanced at the yellowing bruising on Arthur's knuckles and couldn't help but be on Arthur's dad's side here.

"You know it's for a cause, Dad," Arthur said under his breath.

"You don't have to fight every battle. Especially not when you endanger the rest of your life," Arthur's dad gave back then turned back to Merlin. "What do you plan to take at university?"

"Sociology, I think," Merlin said and shrugged, then stuffed food into his mouth to have to not talk for a while. At this point it wasn't like he was sure he'd get A-Level results that would get him accepted anywhere.

***

The middle of the night had them up with a few cans of beer and cookies, the early autumn night cool enough that they'd cranked the heating up high and moved comfortably half naked and tip-toed. The shower next door cut off, the doors creaked as Arthur padded back into the room. He'd spent the afternoon at Merlin's with his face in the books while Merlin had messed about on his guitar, trying to not write lovesongs.

"Sure your mum won't mind?"

"Hm?" Merlin scrolled down the website on his computer, one foot under his arse in his desk chair, wearing a t-shirt and Arthur's boxers.

"Me staying the night. You usually stay at mine." Arthur's voice came muffled, face buried in the towel as he was rubbing at his hair then his chest.

Fingers still on the mouse, Merlin was watching him over his shoulder, drops of water catching on the yellowing bruise over his ribs that Merlin couldn't look away from. "Where did you get that?"

Arthur shrugged and continued to pat himself dry, face closing down and the conversation clearly over. Merlin turned back to the screen. "She won't mind," he said as much as he wasn't entirely sure himself what his mother was thinking. Not that he was planning to have bacon and eggs with her and Arthur come morning. The awkward would kill him.

"Dicks," Arthur said. He leaned over Merlin's shoulder watching the screen with him, water dampening down the fabric across Merlin's shoulder, strands of hair tickling at Merlin's jawline.

"I like that one." Merlin pointed at the screen, the foreskinned prosthetic with the 2700 US Dollars label, then clicked over onto the other tab. "The more affordable version. You like this one?" He opened the details site for one of the erect cocks. "It comes as a 10 inch model."

Arthur laughed. "Planning to bone me hard?"

"Yeah." Merlin chuckled. "Wish this one had bigger balls. It's the one I currently have." He flicked back, then leaned back in the chair as Arthur moved over and plopped down in Merlin's bed, stretched out. Merlin abandoned the computer, turned off the light and crawled onto the bed himself.

Arthur tugged at Merlin's shirt but Merlin didn't let him tug it off, only slid down to lie next to Arthur.

Merlin traced his fingertips around Arthur's bruise. "Don't think you could take the 10 inch one. It'd bust your arse."

Arthur chuckled. "You've not seen what I can take," he said. His breath ghosted past Merlin's ear, tickling.

"Yeah?" Merlin scratched his nails over Arthur's bruise.

"Wanker wouldn't shut his gob," Arthur said, answering even if Merlin hadn't quite asked. "Bullies are shit."

Merlin shrugged and thought of the number of times he'd just turned and walked away, let bullshit wash over him, nevermind he'd be hopeless in fight anyway. Merlin shuffled closer and ran his hand down Arthur's side to his hip, thumb brushing through Arthur's pubic hair.

"I want to stuff my dick into you," Merlin said into Arthur's skin and pushed against his thigh. "Did anyone ever, like, fuck you?"

"Fingers," Arthur replied. His fingers pushed under Merlin's finger, brushing over Merlin's skin. "We never quite got anywhere else with it, to be honest."

"Because you didn't want to?"

Arthur turned onto his side, hand on Merlin's hip. "I always figured it'd hurt even when they say it doesn't. And... shit?"

Merlin tried to keep from laughing but the expression on Arthur's face downright invited it. Arthur smacked him on the shoulder in retribution, pushed him hard enough that Merlin caught himself just before falling out of bed, and Arthur already had his fingers twisted into Merlin's shirt to pull him in close again.

"I'd like to do it though. To you," Merlin said and watched when Arthur's fingers skirted over the bulge in Merlin's boxers, rubbed Merlin's cock. "I guess we'll have to use a dildo but-"

"Yeah, okay," Arthur said. "Yeah." He glanced up at Merlin's face. "We won't do it while your mum is next door though."

"Your dad downstairs is any better?"

"Yeah?" Arthur said. "Obviously?" He slid his fingers over the front of Merlin's shirt, tips catching on Merlin's nipples and Merlin pulled away just a bit, obvious enough apparently to make Arthur do his eyebrow thing, but he didn't say anything.

"I want to, too. Still," Merlin said as he shifted in closer, bumped his head against Arthur's shoulder. "Even if your dick obviously can never live up to my brilliant selection of them."

Arthur groaned and Merlin caught the sound with his lips tucked under Arthur's chin.

***

"I figure I might as well give it a try," one of blokes said. Unexpected ten minutes of early freedom had them sitting on tables, feet up on the chairs, discussing the weather, the exams and bloody university.

"Where did you apply?" Freya asked as she leaned down to Merlin.

"Haven't yet. I don't know." Arthur was going to London, he'd already said that, leave this place behind forever, and Merlin fancied the idea of London just fine. "I doubt I'll get in, anyway." Merlin glanced back up at Freya but she was already looking away, frowning.

Freya was wearing a skirt, strange patterns that swirled up from her knees to her thighs. Merlin caught himself staring, then looked away, leaned back and stared at the ceiling instead.

"Two months to the exams. On the day, two months to the first one," one of them said and everyone gave the fake inhale before most of them started chatting about revision tips.

"Any chance you can help me out with sociology?" Merlin asked, glancing across at Freya.

Freya looked back at him, then shrugged. "I'm a bit busy with... my girlfriend and such," she said after a pause.

"Oh." Merlin looked back down at his table. "Course."

***

"You brought FIFA, right?" Arthur asked before he'd said hello, just stood in the door in only his boxers and a t-shirt and socks, smiling broadly.

Merlin plucked the earbuds from his ears, a bit helpless in the face of Arthur's enthusiasm. "I don't exactly give a toss about football," he said dryly, then moved past Arthur into the house, toeing off his shoes as if Arthur's Dad was watching his every move.

"We're down here?" Merlin looked around the corner of the doorway into the living room, three bags of chips open, the playstation idling.

"Yeah. I figured since he's gone we might as well spread out."

Merlin walked into the living room and dropped his backpack by the sofa before plopped down into it. "Yeah, I think I'll stay the night," Merlin said, hitting back at Arthur when Arthur cuffed him about the head.

"No FIFA?"

"Got Call of Duty, look it's a must-play." Merlin paused. "You don't even _care_ about football."

"But I like Fifa. Obviously." Arthur popped the disc into play and settled next to Merlin, tossing one of the controllers at Merlin's lap. "You're going to kick my arse at this, yeah?"

"Obviously." Merlin gave back.

"We'll see." Arthur glanced across and raised an eyebrow at Merlin as he initiated play.

Ten minutes later Merlin groaned, "you're rubbish," for the first time when Arthur proved he couldn't hit even the most obvious targets, and wasn't that ironic.

Arthur elbowed him and squinted at the screen, all focused with his lips pressed tight, as he smashed his thumbs down on the controller. "C'mon," he muttered, his whole body leaning into the movement and into Merlin. His shots still went wide off Merlin's avatar

"That's not helping any." Merlin pushed at Arthur to get him to sit up again, but Arthur just let his avatar stand in the wide open field and get blasted by gun fire until it was twitching on the ground.

"Bloody hell," Arthur said, firmly jabbed No to the respawning and tossed the controller on the coffee table, then shifted back in close to Merlin. "Finish playing."

Merlin glanced across, not sure what Arthur was getting at, but then some big meaty bloke stood in his way and he had to blast his way through to get to the building behind him. Arthur's fingers crept across the front of his shirt and caught one of the dangling earbuds, popping them in.

"You should put stuff on youtube," Arthur said, foot tapping on the floor.

"Thought we were shit?"

"Well, yes, but they like shit out there."

Arthur's face was smooshed to Merlin's shoulder. Merlin chanced a look every now and then to stare at the sweep of Arthur's lashes and the line of his nose, the way Arthur's lips were pressed to the fabric of Merlin's shirt. His chest was rumbling against Merlin's side, as if he was humming or half singing, and Merlin snorted but kept on playing, unsure how to handle this but darn sure he didn't want to do anything to mess up this moment.

"What made you write this one? _Talking about daisies, you're silent I'm not listening, giving up the sunshine, unsure what this thing is yet_ ," Arthur hummed, wobbling on that last deeper note, his voice cracking up a bit on it.

"Stuff." Merlin ignored the clenching in his chest. "My mum, I guess. And just, me, I don't know. It sounded good, I guess."

"Less shit."

Merlin laughed and shot at one of the baddies, blasting him with everything he had left but when he hesitated a moment to long to feign he got hit and killed. "Whoops," Merlin said and leaned forward to slide the controller onto the table, grabbing a handful of crisps before he leaned back.

Arthur, dislodged and mushy looking, stole some crisps from Merlin's palm and stuffed his face with them.

"It can't be that shit," Merlin said, nodding towards the earphones still dangling between them.

Arthur shrugged but hummed a melody line Merlin usually heard a lot cleaner from Freya. He was bopping his head in time to the music only he heard, and Merlin watched him, in the silence of the house with only the faintest tinny sound of his own songs coming from the earbud still on his chest. Arthur squinted at Merlin and pulled the earbud from his ear, letting it dangle back towards Merlin.

"You want a beer? I can do beer," Arthur said. "Or other things."

"I'm good." Merlin took a healthy sip of his Coke, coughed on it and Arthur slapped his back because that's what they did in films and daily soaps, until Merlin pushed him away, knuckles brushing down Arthur's chest.

"Yeah?" Arthur softened the touch of his hand on Merlin's back, looked away to the Playstation and then leaned in, before Merlin even quite noticed, and kissed him. "We've got the house, so- it wouldn't be shit weird with my dad being downstairs."

Merlin clenched his thighs and everything around his hole, ground down into the heat of arousal, hips making that embarrassing up-motion he caught too late. "You or me?" Merlin asked, glancing down at Arthur's fingers loosely palming his dick. He hesitated a moment. "Not here though, yeah?"

Merlin's dead avatar was still on the screen when Merlin grabbed the sodas and his backpack and Arthur a pack of crisps. They trotted upstairs, their steps echoing through the house. Arthur's room was freezing, the window open, and Merlin shivered as he stepped in, depositing the bottles on Arthur's desk amidst books and papers.

Merlin slid his backpack off his shoulder. "I've got dildos and stuff if you want to, well-" Merlin made the fucking gestured with his hand, then dropped the backpack next to Arthur's desk. He drew his arms around himself. "I want to try though. With your dick and my- that. I don't know."

"Fuck." Arthur chuckled.

"That's the idea," Merlin said and ducked the pillow Arthur threw. He drew his shirt and then his binder over his head, waited for Arthur to step in close before dropping the clothes to the floor.

Arthur skirted his fingers over his collarbone, down the slope of his breast to his nipple. "It's crazy how you're both," Arthur said.

Merlin glanced down between them, the fingers on his breast not fingers on a woman's breast just on his body, and that was fine. Arthur leaning down to suck along the slope of it, nipple, then the full lower curve, his breath warm and his nose cold, that was fine by him as well. It made things go warm and tingly inside him, made him wet, too.

Merlin pulled at Arthur's shirt until it was off, then pushed Arthur's boxers down to get his fingers on Arthur's cock, slipping the still loose foreskin down a bit, the heel of his palm rubbing over the damp tip.

Arthur, with his head ducked, strands of hair tickling Merlin's chin when he leaned down, slipped his hand into the front of Merlin's jeans, undoing buttons with the other. He fondled Merlin's cock for a moment, then the tips of his fingers slipped past Merlin's clit and back along it, rubbing it between index and middle fingers, catching it, then dragging his thumb right across it. Merlin bucked into the touch. Jeans still around his feet he shifted closer to Arthur, thrusting his hips against the drag of Arthur's fingers on him, tightening his own fingers on Arthur's cock.

Merlin pulled Arthur's face up by his hair to kiss him, thin lips and too wet tongue, and Arthur being his sloppy self with excitement and want. Merlin laughed into his kiss when he caught Arthur's tongue with his teeth and Arthur's ow-ed briefly.

"You got stuff, right?" Merlin asked when Arthur's fingers slipped just a bit further, tip teasing at his hole.

"Yeah, I-" Arthur turned around this way and that, then pulled his hand free and stepped away from Merlin to ruffle through his underwear drawer.

"Do you have to hide it?" Merlin slipped out of his jeans and briefs, slipped his cock off as well, and slid onto the bed and under the covers. Goose bumps covered pretty much all of him, making him shiver.

"He knows I have stuff and that I do it, he just doesn't want to _know_ ," Arthur replied and shut the drawer before he crawled onto the bed after Merlin condoms and lube in hand. "In case you're- I don't know, in case we need it."

Merlin had the blanket pulled up to his chin, but let go a little when Arthur slid closer and kissed him again, turned him slowly until Merlin was on his back. Arthur cupped his breast with one hand while the other slid down between Merlin's legs, moving past his stomach and pubic hair to where he was hot and wet.

"This is okay, right?" Arthur said. "You'll say if it's not okay, right?"

Merlin nodded and tried to ignore how much he felt like a girl as he spread his legs a little wider when Arthur's hand shifted between them. It was like when he was touching himself, but better, different, everything heightened and more there, more of everything right there.

"You're really wet."

"You watch shit porn," Merlin replied and laughed. His hands were curled into the blanket, eyes closed, when Arthur's finger slowly pushed into him.

"Fuck, so hot," Arthur said.

"Yeah." Merlin shifted his hips down a bit, changing the angle, and Arthur slowly moved his finger, slipping it in and out, and Merlin felt how wet he was down there, how easy Arthur moved inside him.

"This is okay, right?"

"Quit bloody well worrying," Merlin bit out and reached down himself, straightening Arthur's index finger to push in alongside his middle finger. Merlin pushed down tentatively, unsure what he was even doing, but Arthur was hard against his leg, precome making him slick as he pushed himself against Merlin.

"It'll hurt when I fuck you when you haven't before," Arthur said, but Merlin only nodded at him to keep going, unsure where he quite was in his head at this point. Fingers were a lot better than a dildo but they also belonged to a person who felt him and saw him with his legs spread to be fucked.

By the time Arthur rolled the condom onto his dick and added lube for good measure, the low burn of arousal in Merlin's stomach was still there, bubbling away, but his voice kept giving out a bit when he told Arthur to just get a move on and stop being a lazy git.

The first push of his dick hurt, as did the second. Hot and big and fucking alive it was nothing like a dildo, nothing like fingers or fantasies or porn films. Arthur held himself up on his elbows above Merlin as he guided himself into him, muttering and moaning a bit. Merlin pushed back into his, wanting to reach that point where the arousal won out, where how good it could be was within reach and Arthur moving above him like he was a girl he was fucking wasn't stuck in his head.

"I'm inside you," Arthur said, through clenched teeth, and as Merlin concentrated only on that, on being filled by Arthur, he angled his hips up into that, through that drag of pain and too much tightness and his muscles clenching and unclenching around Arthur.

Then Arthur pushed a little deeper, and Merlin opened his eyes and looked down his body with his breasts and Arthur's cock disappearing in his pussy and all the arousal he felt inside evaporated with how wrong the rest of this was.

"Stop," Merlin said.

Arthur's eyes, immediately wide open, tracked over Merlin's face and he pulled back, his hard dick sliding from Merlin's pussy like hard dick sliding from pussy and Merlin sat up, wrapped the blankets around him, and breathed through the mess of thoughts in his head. He was still wet, still hot for it but not.

"Merlin, I..." Arthur said after a long silence with only their breathing between them, Merlin's heart in his ear. "I... what... fuck, I'm sorry if I... fuck."

Merlin shook his head, tried not to cry because it wasn't fair he couldn't have this without all this bullshit floating about. "I'm fucked up, I warned you. It's all the bullshit in my head."

The silence stretched again, long and hard between them.

"I didn't know I wouldn't... that I couldn't," Merlin said. He looked up at Arthur, condom still on his hard dick, looking ridiculous and a bit broken. "Fuck, I... sorry," Merlin said, wanting to fix Arthur's stricken face and make him get it wasn't his dick but Merlin's brain. "Can we- just-" Merlin laid down again, blanket around him but he held it open to Arthur.

Arthur hesitated and the slipped under, moving up close to Merlin.

"Do you- are we- fuck, Merlin, I-"

Merlin kissed him and moved in close enough that he could tuck his face against Arthur's, entwine their legs. "I didn't even think I couldn't do it," Merlin said. "I wanted to, fuck, but then it just, I don't know. Sorry for- this."

Arthur paused a moment, then mock-sighed. "I had it all planned out, video games and telling you your music doesn't suck."

Merlin chuckled, heart easing a little when Arthur joined in. Arthur's cock was still hard against Merlin's thigh but when Merlin reached for it because one of them should get off, Arthur nudged Merlin's hand away, then turned around with his back to Merlin and shoved up tight to Merlin's front. Merlin skimmed his hand down Arthur's arm and settled it on Arthur's hip eventually, tucking his face up to the nape of Arthur's neck.

"Your music's not shit, you know," Arthur said, quietly, fingers skirting over Merlin's.

"You're okay, too," Merlin replied and closed his eyes, letting himself drift off with Arthur's skin pressed all the way close to his own.

Merlin woke with the blanket all around himself, cocooned in warmth.

"I'm freezing my balls off," Arthur said when Merlin looked out to the other side of the bed. Arthur had draped a corner of the blanket over his hips and curled up to the side of Merlin's blanket. His gaze flickered over Merlin's face. "Share?" he prompted and his knee wormed its way under the blanket. He smelled of shower and toothpaste.

Sleep still held Merlin a bit muzzy and a bit happy to feel Arthur close, Arthur's fingers on his stomach, Arthur's face tucked under Merlin's chin with strands of damp hair tickling at his neck.

"We have all day to play more Call of Duty," Merlin said, mussing Arthur's hair, laughing when Arthur groaned against his chest. Merlin clenched his thighs tentatively, trying to figure out how he felt down there and how he felt in his chest about anything. "I still want to do it," he said. "Shag."

Arthur hesitated. "You can shag me," he said eventually. "I'm good if you want to shag me. I'd be into that."

"Yeah, but..." Merlin rolled on his back, Arthur moving with him until he was blinking at him, eyes looking tired. "I want- I figure if- like, I think maybe _that_ was a shit idea because you're a bloke and I'm, I'm not a girl, and I figure if I'm a bloke we should shag like blokes. You should shake me like a bloke. Is what I figure." Merlin reached down between his legs and drew his index finger over his arse hole, clenching a little on the tip. "Like in gay porn and just ignore the stuff in front."

"You figure, huh..."

"Maybe use a dildo so you don't get shit on your-"

"Piss off," Arthur said and rolled over onto his back on the other side of the bed, nearly sliding off it.

"I want to." Merlin stared at the ceiling, then looked across at Arthur. "I want to. If you want."

"It'd be hot." Arthur met Merlin's gaze. "Yeah." He covered his crotch with his hand but his dick was hardening in his grip.

"Okay. Yeah, okay." Merlin took a few deep breaths, feeling a bit naked under the blanket when he never quite had with Arthur before. "I'll just take a shower then."

Arthur nodded next to him and Merlin slid out of bed, pulling on Arthur's discarded t-shirt from the night before he opened the bedroom door and slipped out into the quiet corridor. His heart was racing, palm awkwardly sweaty as he tried to imagine what getting fucked up his arse actually felt like. He tried to push a finger up himself in the shower, just to give it a try and then stopped, just stood under the spray instead and channel freaking out into using Arthur's shampoo and shower stuff.

The sun inched past the edges of the blinds back in Arthur's room. Merlin's hair was still dripping wet onto his shoulders, dampening down the fabric. Arthur sat on the bed and read the back of the lube bottle.

"I think it's dick go in hole," Merlin said as he stepped closer.

Arthur snorted and shifted back on the bed, tugging on Merlin's shirt to pull him in closer and drag him down on top of him until he kissed him, shifting only when Merlin's elbow was lodged in Arthur's side.

"You're sure, right?" Arthur asked against the side of Merlin's mouth, his hand on Merlin's back under the shirt, then on his arse, just cupping him.

"Yeah." Merlin nipped at Arthur's throat, lips soft on Arthur's Adam's apple as it bopped when Arthur swallowed, feeling his chest rumble underneath when he laughed. His nerves hit in the pit of his stomach somewhere, not quite gone, but when Merlin shifted a little Arthur's hard cock was hot against his hip and Arthur ground up against him.

"So, you'll-" Arthur said and reached for the lube again. "I guess you put it on your fingers and-"

"Can you?"

Arthur hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah, sure. Just lie back and think of England."

Merlin rolled his eyes but slid off Arthur and curled up half on his side, face buried in the pillow.

"You'll say if you want to stop, right? And relax, okay?"

"Speaking from experience?" Merlin quipped but tried not to tense up when Arthur curled up behind him, pressing kisses to the small of Merlin's back.

"Yeah." Arthur shuffled around a bit then spread Merlin's cheeks and rubbed slick fingertips around Merlin's hole. "Okay?"

"Weird." Merlin closed his eyes and moved onto his stomach just a little more. "Fuck," he said when Arthur pushed the tip of his finger a little way inside.

"Relax okay."

"I'm bloody well trying," Merlin gave back.

"Try harder."

"Piss off." Merlin laughed, a bit shaky, and looked down when Arthur shifted around to lie over Merlin's body. He brushed Merlin's pubic hair aside and leaned in, sucked on Merlin's clit. "Fuck," Merlin said again but it came out a lot breathier.

"Yeah, relax," Arthur said again and his finger slid deeper as he closed his lips on Merlin's clit and sucked him like he was sucking a dick, slurping sounds and spit, and it made Merlin wet and wanting more.

Arthur pushed his finger deeper and it went in a little easier. Still felt bloody weird, if Merlin was honest, but Arthur's tongue curled around his clit, his nose brushing against the inside of Merlin's thigh.

"Is it good like this?" Arthur asked, twisting around to look up at Merlin as he slowly pushed his finger in and out.

Merlin nodded and grabbed for Arthur's head to push him back to suck on his clit some more, whapping him about the back of teh head when Arthur laughed. "Suck me, yeah?" Merlin added.

Arthur leaned away to grab some more lube and then got himself back into position. "Two now, okay, just don't tense up. It's gonna hurt like a bitch if you tense up."

"Get on with it," Merlin replied, and tensed when two fingers tried to push into his arse, until Arthur's fingers rubbed along his clit, spreading wetness from his hole up over it, then leaned in and sucked it off. The fingers slipped in and made everything fuller and tighter and hotter.

"I've got my fingers inside you," Arthur muttered, then leaned in again and circled his tip around Merlin's clit, stretching his tongue down as far as it would go, and back up around his clit again. He fucked Merlin with his fingers at the same time, sliding them in and out as Merlin relaxed into this, face in Arthur's pillow, breathing slow and deep.

Merlin tentatively pushed back, muscles protesting a bit when it made him tense up.

"Shush," Arthur mouthed around his clit and sucked at him a bit harder.

"Fuck, just-"

Arthur pressed in another finger and it burned again like the first had. Merlin caught his breath, tried to keep his arse relaxed with three fingers shoved up it.

"Relax," Arthur said again.

Merlin tossed one of the spare pillows down and at Arthur's head, closed his eyes and counted his breaths, waiting for that first hot burn to fade.

"Okay?" Arthur asked then slowly moved his fingers deeper, then pulled them out and pushed them a little deeper again. He suckled on Merlin's clit, slurped spit and slick off it whenever he drew back and then moved in again, taking his clit in to the base.

"Yeah. Looks a lot easier in porn vids." Merlin drew his fingers through the strands of Arthur's hair, flattening where he'd messed it all up.

"Let me..." Arthur said and moved back across behind Merlin. He dragged his thumb around Merlin's hole and Merlin felt every single moment of that on his skin that felt stretched all tight and hot. A moment later, wet and slick, Arthur's tongue traced the same path.

"Fuck."

"Good?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Arthur pressed his face between Merlin's cheeks, moved his fingers out a little, then pushed them back in and licked around the rim of Merlin's hole, tongue soft and warm and wet.

Merlin pushed his hand between his legs and rubbed at his clit, sliding through the mixture of Arthur's spit and his own wetness, his clit feeling bigger and hotter and more sensitive than usual.

"I'm gonna try now," Arthur said and pulled his fingers free, pressed another soft kiss to Merlin's hole. He shuffled about behind Merlin, but Merlin focused on staying relaxed, watching the progress of the lines of sun streaming but the blinds and cutting light through the room, the way a bit of dust moved through that.

Arthur's hand was on his hip a moment later. "Stay relaxed, okay?" He slipped it down to layer over Merlin's hand on his clit. He dragged his thumb over Merlin's hole, then more pressure, bigger and much hotter. "Shh, okay, don't tense," Arthur said and pushed.

Merlin gripped Arthur's wrist around and held on. "Fuck," punched out him with a groan when Arthur's cock popped through that first tightness, the burn instantly back. "Fuck."

"S'okay. You okay? Just breathe, okay?" Arthur moved his thumb up along Merlin's clit from base to tip, just back and forth as every breath Merlin took, every bit of blood pumped through his body, pulsed hard around his hole, around Arthur's dick and his heartbeat.

"I'm okay, it's good, it's okay. Fuck, you're inside," Merlin said, and it hurt but Arthur was inside him, filling him, all hot and hard.

"God, you're so tight, baby," Arthur moaned, exaggeratedly.

Merlin laughed, even if it hurt a bit, and gritted his teeth when Arthur moved deeper into him, shifting in until his chest was pressed to Merlin's back. Arthur panted against the back of his neck, all hot, damp breath that tangled in Merlin's hair and was so close, so right there, so fucking intimate, that it burst a little through Merlin.

"You are though," Arthur said and rocked into Merlin again, small slow rolls of his hips that pushed his cock a bit deeper.

"Didn't think it'd be this big." Ever small movement of Arthur's pushed at the muscles inside Merlin's arse, made him grind harder against his palm and ride that wave of arousal as Arthur began to breathe harder against his neck, thighs, tensing against the back of Merlin's.

"Nice." Arthur laughed. "Let me-" He shifted up on his knees and pulled Merlin with him until Merlin leaned on his elbows and Arthur knelt behind him.

"Fuck, you're deep," Merlin said and tried to keep his breathing even through the lurking arousal and the weight of Arthur's cock in his arse.

Arthur pushed Merlin's shirt up until it was pooled around Merlin's back, slid his palm all the way up from the small of Merlin's back to his shoulder blade as he slowly pushed in and pulled out again, settling into a rhythm.

"They go faster in porn," Merlin said.

"Going to come if I do," Arthur pressed out between clenched teeth to Merlin's skin, mouth at the knobs of his spine, teeth nipping at the curve of Merlin's ribs.

"Yeah." Merlin brought his fingers back between his legs, pushing Arthur's out of the way, and rubbed at his clit, just feeling Arthur this close a bit overwhelming and strange and good even if the burn was still lingering.

"Can't- Are you- fuck-" Arthur's hands shifted to Merlin's hips and he pushed himself into Merlin smoothly, cock dragging on the rim of Merlin's arse.

"Fuck you're coming," Merlin said when Arthur got all breathless and punchy, his fingers clenching on Merlin's skin as he pushed himself closer and deeper, hips twitching forward even as he was pressed as deep as he could be into Merlin. His mouth was fastened to the back of Merlin's neck, every thrust making him pant and bite off a moan.

"Yeah. Yeah- fuck-"

Arthur's dick pulsed in his arse, and Arthur whined high-pitched and needlessly noisy and Merlin groaned into the pillow, the bit of embarrassment mixing with the way it made him wet and want more of this when it made Arthur do this, when it felt like this inside him and clenched around his heart and his bits.

"Fuck," Arthur breathed again as he sagged a bit on top of Merlin, thighs trembling, hips jerking every other moment as he pushed his cock a bit deeper still. "Fuck," when he dropped his face cheek-down on Merlin's shoulder, breath fanning over Merlin's skin. Arthur was sweaty, every point they were touching skin on skin a bit slick and sticky. "I'm going to pull out, okay?" Arthur asked, rasping and slowly pulled his hips back, shuddering a little through it.

Merlin laid down, curled half on his side, with his hand between his legs, pressing at his clit every other moment to catch another wave of arousal.

"This was the best." Arthur said with his sincere face on, the one that had a Lib-Dem document framed on his wall and talked about his curved dick and Merlin pushed at his head, but Arthur slid his hand from Merlin's hip to his knee and pulled him around a bit, then pushed Merlin's fingers away with his nose. "I mean it," he said.

Arthur closed his lips on Merlin's clit, suckled on it softly at first, only his lips, only mapping it. He spread Merlin with his fingers and shifted around so he was curled up between Merlin's legs. He pushed the hood of Merlin's clit back and traced around the tip with just his tongue, around and around again until Merlin's breath caught in his chest and he was making the stupid, embarrassing noises and clenching his hand in Arthur's hair again.

"Suck it, suck my dick," Merlin said, watching as Arthur made eye contact, then leaned down and closed his lips fully around his clit and sucked. His cheeks hollowed, his lips thinned out and he kept his tongue pressed against the underside of Merlin's clit.

Arthur hummed, pressed a hand to Merlin's hip as Merlin just needed to thrust his hips up and get himself deeper into Arthur, push in. His arse was still burning, reminding him of Arthur all the way inside him, wanting him, wanting this. Looking down, Merlin watched Arthur with his eyes closed and a hand cradling his own soft cock as he sucked off Merlin.

Merlin breathed through it with his mouth open and looking at the ceiling, then down at Arthur again. "Take it all the way inside," Merlin said and Arthur sucked just that tiny bit harder, fingers pressing at the base of Merlin's clit, and Merlin came hips thrusting up and holding him there tense, and pulsing, and wanting as he came, imagined shooting down Arthur's throat. "Yeah," he breathed, when he relaxed back onto the bed and pushed Arthur's face away from his bits, just pressed his fingers there and rode those last aftershocks that made him twitch.

Arthur sat to the side of the bed, watching him, until Merlin reached around for the blanket from the floor and drew it over himself.

"Don't forget Call of Duty," Merlin muttered as he kept watching Arthur threw closing eyelids then oomphed when Arthur wrapped himself around Merlin all wrapped up in the blanket.

"That's later," Arthur said, muffled through the blanket.

Merlin was good with later. He was good with Arthur's body heat bleeding through the blanket too. It was only morning. They still had all of the weekend for crisps and coke and some beer maybe.

***

 _Where would I get them online though?_ Merlin typed.

There was no way to explain his voice deepening and growing a beard to his mum but he didn't want to worry about that.

 _No can do, mate. You know the rules,_ Seahorse replied.

Merlin keyboard-smashed and went onto google again but all the searches for _Sustanon online store_ brought up way too many dubious looking bodybuilding websites.

 _Don't take it without supervision_ , Seahorse messaged him privately.

 _fuck i know_ , Merlin replied and added, _just one of these days when everything feels wrong._

***

The mock exams were looming and the teachers spent most their time telling him that what he was showing right now wouldn't even cut it for a Pass when the real deal came around. The house smelled of pie when Merlin walked in and walked up the stairs.

"You're early today," his mother called up after him but he shrugged and closed the door to his room as soon as he could, dropping his backpack in a corner of his room and logged onto the computer.

Arthur wasn't online, probably still playing good son for his dad, so Merlin logged onto the chat instead and put the telly on to drown out the constant stream of disappointment about not living up to expectation.

 _Shit day_ , Merlin typed into chat, then said his Hellos to Seahorse and moogee.

 _school's just stressing me right out_ , he said, and added, _:(_

They ended up talking about porn and hormones until Merlin's mother called from the kitchen.

 _gtg_ , Merlin typed and signed off before he trudged downstairs. The plates were set out on the coffee table in front of the tv, slices of pie already on them. Merlin sat down and pulled the plate onto his lap, eating slowly.

His mother sighed audibly. "Are you going to bring your friend by again sometime? Arthur? He was very nice."

Merlin shrugged, then shook his head and kept watching the TV, some tag-on program to one of the talent shows, mindless television that filled the silence between them.

"And school, is that going fine? I'm worried, Maddie, I'll be honest."

Merlin shoved the last of the pie into his mouth then got up and took his plate to the kitchen and left it in the sink. Back in his room he signed back onto chat and browsed all the pages that would make him forget about being a girl and being someone's daughter, counting down the days that he could do something about it.

***

"My mum's expecting me, is all." Merlin was crawling on all fours in Arthur's bedroom, trying to find his boxers and in the end just settled on picking some of Arthur's from his drawers.

"You sure?" Arthur had his face buried half in the covers, the long line of his back to his arse and thigh exposed to the bit of morning light as he squinted at Merlin. They'd stayed up too long talking, then just touching, laughing, being stupid while their books had been open around them and they'd meant to give it an honest shot at studying. Arthur looked as shattered as Merlin felt.

"I promised her I'd do Sunday lunch and it'd be proper for once and-" Merlin waved his hand and straightened to draw the jeans up his thighs. He raked a hand through his hair, figured he'd better brush his teeth and wash up.

"Come here though." Arthur stretched a hand out towards the side of the bed. Merlin stepped closer, let Arthur hook his fingers around Merlin's knee, and pulled. Merlin caught himself with his hand on Arthur's hip and the mattress, stayed in the unsteady kneel.

Arthur moved his fingers up Merlin's clothed thigh, to his naked stomach and chest, rubbed his thumb over Merlin's breasts. "You're warm," he said and splayed his fingers over Merlin's ribs.

"Also late," Merlin replied. Arthur watched him with a smile and Merlin's heart gave a small double beat, stomach twisting. His nipples puckered under Arthur's fingertips, breath getting a bit ragged.

"Got your cock?" Arthur patted Merlin's crotch, grinned, but then grew intent when he rubbed a line along Merlin's length and Merlin pushed his crotch into the touch, grinding against Arthur's palm.

Merlin smacked at Arthur's shoulder as he shifted off the bed. "Got that one. Leaving the other here? For next week?" Merlin picked the strap-on by the strap and dropped it next to Arthur on the bed.

Arthur pulled a face but just threw the blanket over it.

"I'll ping you on IM when I get in, yeah?" Merlin found his binder on Arthur's desk chair and struggled into it, pulled it tight. It looked mucky and he figured he'd have to give it a wash some time but for now some deodorant had to do. He pulled his shirt on over it. The bumps on his chest made him hunch over, keep in the annoyed breath, as he reached for his hoodie to pull on over it, hiding the last of the bullshit.

"I think you got come in your hair," Arthur said from the bed, hugging the blanket to himself.

"Tosser." Merlin checked in the small mirror though, sorting the errant bangs and strands.

Arthur's face appeared in the mirror next to Merlin's, chin hooking over Merlin's shoulder, lips pressed to Merlin's jaw.

"Breath," Merlin said.

"Heartlessness," Arthur countered with a roll of his eyes and kissed Merlin anyway, turning Merlin to face him.

Merlin kissed him back, laughing into the kiss and Arthur's tongue antics as he put his hand to Arthur's chest, just moving his palm over the furred pecs and broad shoulders, down to his hips and Arthur's naked dick pressing to Merlin's hip.

"Good luck for the tests this week," Arthur said into Merlin's neck

Merlin shrugged. English and Soc, he should have had his face in the books but between Arthur and spending time on the computer his freetime had evaporated. He only angled is arms around Arthur's neck and pressed himself close to his body.

"Hate that this is in the way," Arthur murmured into Merlin's ear, fingers playing in the small of Merlin's back, seeking skin but only finding fabric.

"Yeah. Got to go, yeah?" Merlin pushed away from Arthur, ignored the bit of hurt in Arthur's eyes. "I'll see you. IM me."

Merlin picked his way down the stairs, backpack on his shoulder.

"Arthur didn't say you'd stay the night." Arthur's father had a cup of tea in hand, glancing Merlin over from top to bottom.

"Sir," Merlin said, nodded. "We were, studying. I- yeah, I've got to catch a train so..."

Arthur's father waved him off, didn't say anything else but Merlin still felt strange enough about that bit of a white lie. The guilt didn't make him open the book on the way home though.

***

The film wasn't that shit but it wasn't exactly prime cinema material either, nothing that exactly held his attention and nothing that made him feel better.

"Be right back," Merlin whispered to Arthur.

He got out of his seat, walking past the people in their row and up towards the exit of the cinema. The vendor area was quiet with all films on, only a few people walking past here and there. Merlin walked towards the loos, stomach sinking at the clear Suit vs Skirt labels and went into the men's anyway, ducking into the stall quickly before the bloke at the urinals could catch a good enough look at his face. His heart was beating in his chest as he listened to the bloke piss and leave.

Merlin sat on the toilet and pushed down his jeans, got the small plastic bag and the new tampon out of his pocket. He unwrapped the tampon and set it on the loo roll, before he reached between his legs and felt for the bit of string amidst the blood. He closed his eyes as he pulled it out, bit the inside of his cheek at the entirely uncomfortable situation.

The door to the toilets opened and swung close, steps, then the sound of a guy sliding down his zipper. Merlin looked at the tampon dangling from his fingers and wrapped it in toilet paper then stuffed it into the plastic bag, trying to keep it from crinkling too much, before he slid the plastic back into his pocket. He pushed in the new tampon without much ado, breathed through the weirdness of it inside him and wiped himself clean, then did himself back up.

He waited for the guy to exit first before he pushed the door of his stall open and went to wash his hands. He looked washed-out in the mirror, pale enough to look like he'd sick up into the sink any moment. He looked not exactly like a man, just weird and fucked up and ugly.

Merlin turned abruptly from his reflection and walked out before anyone else could walk in. He dropped the plastic bag in one of the big rubbish bins in the main area, trying to be not too obvious and walked back into the cinema.

"You okay?" Arthur asked when he slid in beside him, the film progressed far beyond anything Merlin could follow.

"Sure," Merlin said because what was the point of getting into that.

***

"This is TJ, he mods this one and we've messaged about things. He's getting his binders cheaper somehow..." Merlin focused back on the screen, reading the latest message.

"Hm?" Arthur barely looked up from his notes and scribbled something into the margins of him textbook instead. "What?" he said eventually, sitting back against the headboard of his bed. His school stuff was strewn all around him, and Merlin was a safe distance away from the history and worse, economics. Merlin's books were stacked next to the computer and he had only looked at them when Arthur's dad had looked in on them.

Merlin pointed at the board up on the screen. "TJ, he lives in Kent, right, and he's, I don't know, 19 or so but already had top surgery last year."

"Hm, okay," Arthur replied, focused back on the books, frowning at them.

Merlin was still on a bit of a high from the meeting, discussing LGBT narratives and the lack of available scripts with the media only now catching up to non-straight lifestyles or choices or whatever it was.

"I could go and get things done, right now. I could go to my GP and get a referral and get hormones." Merlin scrolled through the board for new topics, then fully turned towards Arthur when he had exhausted every bit of new topics and replies. "It'd be weird how things would change." Merlin pushed away from the computer and wandered over to Arthur's window, looked down at the garden behind the house. He imagined his breasts gone and his voice deepening, stubble right there along his jawline how Arthur got when he didn't shave every day.

"I hate economics," Arthur said, followed by the sound of something skittering over paper and then hitting the floor.

"Why are you doing it then?" Merlin turned and sat on the window sill, spread his legs and waited for Arthur to move of the bed and stand between them.

"I've got to see it through now. It's not exactly the right moment to get fancy. And I'll show some twats what's what if I make it."

Merlin traced his fingertips over Arthur's bruised knuckles, the skin scraped off. "Thought you already were," he said, pointedly.

"Funny." Arthur pulled his hand from Merlin's grip and shoved it into the pocket of his jeans, then kissed Merlin, all demanding and hard, caught himself with his hand on the window pane behind Merlin. Merlin gave back as good as he got, bit Arthur hard enough that Arthur smacked at Merlin shoulder and pulled away with a laugh.

"Bastard. That'll show."

Merlin shrugged, smiled. Arthur was beautiful with the light of the lamps behind him, even as he looked like he'd fall over and sleep for the next day or so any moment, dark thin skin under his eyes. Merlin kissed him again and made it softer, just pressed his lips to the corner of Arthur's lips here and to the line of his jaw there, and pulled him in to stand closer until he could hug his arms around Arthur's shoulders and have Arthur rest his head against Merlin's collarbone.

"They're so dumb, so many of them, they don't know what they're saying and they just say it and they don't care what it does to people."

The shouts of _lesbo_ rang in Merlin's ears but he shrugged it off like he did all of that because why waste time on that bullshit, why make yourself sick on it when you couldn't change it. He just had his cries into his pillows where no one could see.

"I can't wait to leave this place and go back to London or, I don't know, Bath? Brighton? Some place that's more open and not as bigoted and fucked up as this."

"Right." Merlin let Arthur go when Arthur pulled away to sit on the bed, stretching his legs out until his feet touched Merlin's dangling ones. "If you don't get your head bashed in first," Merlin added. It slipped out quietly, under his breath, but Arthur looked up instantly.

"I can't just walk away."

"Right." Merlin pushed off the window sill and went onto Arthur's computer again, because this wasn't an argument he was ever going to win, scrolling through his emails until Arthur began to kiss his ear and swivelled him around in the desk chair.

"Excited for the camping?"

Merlin chuckled. "Only because I _have to_ share a tent with you, plonker."

"Me and my curvy dick."

Merlin groaned and let Arthur pull him up and across to the bed, shoving all of Arthur's books and notes off to the floor, and for a moment there it was just Arthur then not Arthur and his books or Arthur getting beaten bloody because he couldn't just walk away.

When Merlin followed the line of Arthur's spine with his fingers and mouth at the nub of the shoulderblade, had Arthur bat at him and shove him away, then tackle him to the bed for further punishment for doltish behaviour, that was his Arthur for a while there.

The next morning Arthur sat over books at the breakfast table and Merlin slipped out with a hurried, brushed kiss before the sun was even quite out.

***

"The problem with the application of those theories is, simply, that they are that, theories, and that they're inherently applied after the fact, after people themselves have already lived them. They are post-fact construction and cannot necessarily be used as models for other societal situations because the framework today is a framework different to when the theories were developed," Freya argued.

Merlin scribbled some of that into the margins of his text before he grabbed his burger again and waited for someone else to continue in their impromptu study cum discussion group outside the Mc D's.

"If you could account for the changes in framework though, the model could still prove to be a valid model for the prediction of future behaviour. Just because it's old doesn't make it per se invalid, and certainly that it's based in empirical research doesn't make it invalid. How else would models be constructed other than on the basis of observation."

"Theoretical knowledge!"

"Theoretical knowledge that is 20 years old and again based on prior observation. Theory doesn't drop from the sky into your lap."

Merlin slurped when the straw hit rock bottom in his coke, blinking at Freya and Declan engaged in heated debate, not quite sure what they were even on about. Everyone else was busy nodding or shaking their heads, taking notes in notebooks, so Merlin did the same. He scrawled _theory_ and _people_ and drew an arrow between the two. As the others started in on the next chapter, Merlin got out his phone and began scrolling through his emails, looking through the notifications from some of the message boards.

 _Good things that happened to you today_

Jon had replied _was out in the city and a bloke ran into me and he was all like sorry mate didn't see you there, and clapped me on the shoulder and then walked on, and it was such an amazing feeling to have him see me as that._

Merlin logged in and typed out, _Good for you, mate. That must have been a thrill. I just went and got a burger. The girl was all, What can I get you, sir. It's the best._

"What you're not saying, though, is that the circles we move in can and will overlap. Just because the theory we are relying on is from ten years ago, doesn't mean that the internet interactions we have today are still separate in almost some kind of shadow world to our interactions in the physical world."

Some of the blokes snickered, one of them threw in, "Porn."

"The internet today is only an extension of interactions of the physical world, see Facebook. Just because there's hardly any theoretical built to it at this point, doesn't make it untrue," Declan ended, throwing his eraser at one of his friends, hitting him square on the head. "Dare you to write _Porn_ in the exam, dick."

With a look to the watches, everyone began to pack up and Merlin looked down at his formidable _theory people_ note that sat lonely in his textbook and the empty page of his notebook.

"I think we'll be good," Freya said when they fell into step walking back towards the school.

Merlin nodded. It was the least he could do, really, when nothing in the books was making sense to him anymore.

***

The train was packed. Merlin had squeezed into a window seat, got a book and his phone, but spent more time staring out of the window and trying to leech his mother's nagging from his mind than reading it.

 _wont make it to group,_ vibrated onto Merlin's phone.

"Fucking-" Merlin muttered then caught himself as he dropped the phone back on the fold-out table and looked down at his lap, then out of the window again.

 _why_ Merlin texted back, but he didn't even need to ask, did he?

 _fight_ came back followed by _sorry_.

Saturdays were quick becoming the lifeline between his mother, school and everyone going absolute bonkers about studying. Saturdays meant Arthur for a while, and talking stupid stuff and having someone to kiss who wasn't being an idiot.

 _great_ Merlin texted, then shut off his phone.

Birmingham was sunny as he walked through the city centre from the station. He plopped into his usual seat, waiting for everyone else to trickle in, checking his email on his phone, but Arthur hadn't left another message.

"You all right?" Percival asked as he sat next to Merlin.

"Fine." Merlin pulled the earbuds from his ears and turned off his iPod. "Okay."

"Is Arthur not coming?"

"No." Merlin looked across at Bran and some of the others playing some pool before their meet started properly. "He's an idiot."

"Okay." Percival nodded. "You'll sort yourselves out, right?"

"He's not being a dick, just an idiot," Merlin said eventually, shaking his head, because more than he was mad at Arthur he missed him being there to footsie with all surreptitiously and exchange eye rolls with when someone else did something dumb.

Percival squeezed Merlin's shoulder and then started talking about the plans Lance and he had to eventually move in together. It was hard not to be jealous of that.

"How was it?" Arthur asked later on the phone. "I only have a few, my dad's out surveying the garden or something."

Merlin was on the way back to his mum's house, staring at a late Saturday night of being up in his room and waiting for time to pass. "Missed you," Merlin said. He traced his fingers over his thigh and imagined them being Arthur's, then looked at the landscape brushing past outside the window.

"Yeah."

"What was it about, the fight?" Merlin wasn't sure he wanted to hear another rant, couldn't not ask though because he needed to know.

"Leon and I, we just got stuck in it." Arthur's chair squeaked in the background. "And then there was five of them and one of the teachers caught us and dragged us up front and we got this speech about the exams and the important things in life and I heard the same from my father."

"Leon."

"He's a bloke from school. Gay. I think. Yeah, pretty sure he is."

The pause after stretched a while as Merlin tried to think of something to respond that wasn't naff or needy or downright stupid.

"Are we still going camping next weekend though? He hasn't called that off."

"If the weather's not completely rubbish, yeah."

"Right." Merlin caught himself before any I miss yous or other soppy nonsense, but Arthur was breathing on the other end of the line. "You're sure, right?"

"Yes, yes I'm sure." Arthur huffed over the phone. "I got to go, okay? Talk to you later."

He hung up before Merlin was able to squeeze in a reply.

***

"It's only chucking it down," Merlin shouted towards Arthur who trailed twenty steps behind and was being stupid and turning his face up and just standing there and breathing in the rain. It was wet and cold and nothing like a nice weekend away, flattening the clothes to Merlin's body in all the wrong places.

Arthur jogged across to Merlin and caught him around the shoulders, his saggy, wet jumper dragging against Merlin's face and neck as he leaned in and kissed him. Merlin pulled him around by his arm and turned them both, pushed Arthur up against a tree as he stepped in close.

"I'm freezing."

Arthur shrugged, grinning and pulled Merlin in closer by his clammy shirt. "You're loving it though, this." He tugged at Merlin's shirt until Merlin was tucked along Arthur's front, sharing the water between them. "You love this, right?" Arthur repeated, a bit quiet into Merlin's ear.

"How- I'd be mental not to. With you," Merlin said, pushing his hand between them to lay it palm flat on Arthur's chest. He was pretty sure no one would ever want to do this with him again, like this, like Arthur did. All of Arthur was solid underneath him, heat bleeding through his clothes now.

"You should write more songs for me." Arthur laughed and then groaned when Merlin elbowed him in the stomach and took off back towards their camping ground. "All that love inside you has to come out somewhere," Arthur shouted after him.

"Arse," Merlin shouted back and tried not to drip in the undergrowth.

"Not- idiot." Arthur laughed and chased Merlin, near catching him a time or two before Merlin ducked away again.

Merlin stopped abruptly and twisted around, his foot catching on Arthur's ankle somewhat deliberately, and sent Arthur face first into the mess of mud and moss.

"Bastard." Arthur tried to make a grab for his ankle but Merlin had already retreated far enough, heart pumping, trying to catch his breath and failing so he just gasped about as if he'd run far faster and longer than a bit of this.

Merlin turned, jogged backwards. "I'll be at the tent."

"My tent."

Merlin flipped him off and made his way back to the campside, proud of himself that he was checking only twice if Arthur was still there and still following. He got the little gas cooker lit and the water boiling, himself changed into merely damp shirt and boxers, before Arthur trudged up to the tent, nose to toe mud-covered.

"You're such a shit," Arthur said, grinning widely. He pulled of his shirt and tossed it, squishing wet, at Merlin's face, cackling stupidly when Merlin spluttered underneath.

Once he'd freed himself from the mud monster, Merlin glanced up at Arthur, watched the rain slide over naked skin, nipples pucker, and shrugged, stirred the tea water before he added tea bags to mugs and poured for them.

"Better get rid of these as well," Arthur muttered and slipped out of his jeans, left them with his shirt when Merlin turned off the cooker and crawled into their tent, Arthur following close behind.

"You're dripping." Merlin shoved a towel at Arthur and tried to find a comfortable position between two air mattresses and two sleeping bags without killing the hot tea flat out with his feet or arms. He tucked into one corner of the tent eventually, cross legged, and Arthur settled across from him, pulling on a pair of track bottoms and a shirt.

"It was a great idea to do it this weekend," Arthur said. He peered into the rain. "Brilliant, downright. I could be dry at home studying."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "You're obsessed with that."

Arthur looked at him and shrugged. "At least one of us is."

"Nice." Merlin sipped his tea and looked out into the rain, the fear of the upcoming exams nagging at him whenever Arthur mentioned them, or Arthur's dad, or his mum, whenever he was at school, whenever he sat at home and stared at the books.

"You know they're important."

"Piss off. Just because your dad's all big on them-"

"Have you chosen your-"

Merlin stared at Arthur, poised to get out of there right then and go back into the rain, but Arthur already had his hands up anyway, practically begging for forgiveness. He muttered, "Forget it," and sipped from his own tea.

The rain pelted down on the tent, a few faraway cracks of thunder moving even further away as a hint of sun became visible through the tent flap.

"I told Freya I was coming out here," Merlin started after a while. "With a bloke, and she was all, I don't know, she went all weird and big eyes like I've single-handedly betrayed her cause or whatever. She knows it's you but- I don't know, she's weird about it."

"Is she still into you?"

Merlin tugged at the corner of Arthur's air mattress before he looked at him across the rim of the cup. "I don't know. I don't think so. Think she's got a bird, really."

"Are you still into her?"

"Whenever I suck your cock I imagine it's her pussy."

"See, I suspected-" Arthur started, then grinned. He glanced at the distance between himself and Merlin, pointedly, then shuffled across mattresses and sleeping bags to Merlin's side of the tent. "Gwaine said we'd have to hike up to the waterfalls."

"I'm not big on hiking." Merlin scooted across to let Arthur squeeze in next to him. "Or rain, I'm not big on rain either."

"Yeah?" Arthur smiled, then leaned across and kissed Merlin, lips warm from the tea. "Do you want to?" Arthur paused mid-motion of half-way outside the tent to deposit his cup in a safe place.

"Hike?"

"Yes. Yes, hike." Arthur took Merlin's cup to set outside as well, rain splotching into the tea, then closed up the tent again.

"You're such a wanker," Merlin replied. He tugged Arthur closer by his hair when he was within grabbing distance and pulled him in. "Where did you leave the stuff this morning?" he asked between two sucking kisses to Arthur's neck while Arthur was trying to disentangle Merlin's hands from his hair.

"I just stuffed it into the bag in..." Arthur leaned across and pulled the plastic bag closer to them. He pulled out one of Merlin's dicks first thing, turning it over in his hand.

"You want? You know the clean up's going to-"

The dick went back into the bag before Merlin could even finish the sentence. Merlin pulled the bag from Arthur's hands and set it aside, then slid down to lie flat on the mattress and pulled Arthur with him.

"Good enough for me," Arthur said against Merlin's lips, then Merlin leaned up a little and kissed him, pulled him in tight with a hand on his shoulder and another on his arse.

Arthur slotted between Merlin's legs and pushed up against him, cock riding up against Merlin's hip, shifting against Merlin's cock when Arthur changed the angle just a little.

"I can feel your cock," Arthur said between kisses.

Merlin pulled his knees up a little and thrust up against Arthur's cock, the underside of his own dick pushing down enough against his clit that every roll of Arthur's hips made him thrust up again, harder, and pull Arthur in closer. Arthur mouthed along Merlin's jawline and down to his neck, pushed the neck of Merlin's shirt down to suck on the exposed skin as he ground down against Merlin.

"I'll have a real dick someday," Merlin said and curled his leg up around Arthur's arse, every movement of either of them slotting them together tight and hot. "I'll make you suck it and I'll put it up your arse and I'll feel you," Merlin whispered.

Arthur moaned against the side of his neck, blowing damp breath into Merlin's ear, and making goosebumps break out down Merlin's body.

"It'll be big, right?" Arthur whispered as he leaned up enough to press his cock right into the crook of Merlin's thigh, his own thigh between Merlin's legs and letting Merlin grind up against it.

"Massive," Merlin replied. "You'll love my real dick. Fucking love it."

"Yeah." Arthur pushed his hand between their bodies and fitted it between Merlin's legs, rubbing him off as he pushed himself against Merlin's hip. "I'll jerk you off when I fuck you, close my fingers around your cock and make you come real hard."

Merlin imagined it now, imagined it being a real dick hanging from his crotch and that Arthur had his fingers around him, was kissing him as he jerked him. Merlin thrust up into the hand, once, twice, then came, everthing going tense and hot all at once as Arthur still ground down against him, moaned into Merlin's ear, and then pressed down, held himself all tight, thrust a few more times and rolled off Merlin.

Merlin pushed his boxers down and closed his fingers around his fake, dick, stroked it from base to tip. Arthur watched him, breathing hard, then leaned over and closed his lips around the dick, sucked him in a little.

"Wish it wasn't plastic," Arthur said and laid back down, pushed a hand into his track bottoms and palmed himself.

Merlin snorted and the high from coming dissipated a bit faster than he'd liked when Arthur petted Merlin's hip then went to clean himself up in the rain. Merlin wished it wasn't plastic every single day.

***

The corridors were quiet that time of the afternoon with the idiots on the fields outside and everyone else esconsced in the classrooms for their projects and study groups. Merlin pushed his bass guitar higher up his back, his phone out and his thumb typing out something stupid to Arthur when a text came in.

 _Can't saturday shit went down. Dad spitting mad._

Merlin's heart and good mood dropped to nothing. _What happened?_ he typed out, hitting send with a press of his thumb. He left off the 'What happened _now_?'

 _Teacher ratted me out about a fight._

Merlin rolled his eyes and stuffed the phone into his pocket, ignoring when it vibrated again to keep from texting something that'd only have them spend fifty texts back and forth being dicks to one another followed by some kind of lame apology.

"Fucking wanker," Merlin muttered as he pushed the door to the practice room open, nodding at Ben and Freya.

"Who?" Freya asked, sorting through sheets of music.

"Bloke I know," Merlin said and shrugged it off as he unpacked. Freya had the look about her, knew exactly who he was talking about, but she didn't say anything. He ran through a few riffs with hard plucking and led them into one of their more aggressive songs until he didn't want to chew Arthur out for being a stupid bastard who'd get himself killed over playing protector of kittens and babies.

 _sodding wanker. was looking forward to sat_ , Merlin typed on the way home.

He was shooting up a bunch of right badass fuckers on the screen hours later when the reply came in. _metoo. sorry. ilu_ Well, he couldn't buy a respite from the rest of his life for a few hours from that.

***

His sociology books were threatening murder or boredom. He'd stacked them by the side of the bed to make sure he was practically falling over them but the clock had firmly ticked over from 10.59 to 11 Sunday night and he'd not opened a single book.

 _Busy! DnD!_ Arthur had texted him earlier when Merlin had tried calling him for a bit of a break from mowing down people on the screen. Arthur had never showed up online after.

Merlin clicked out of the game and over into his browser, brought up the chat window.

 _How do you handle uni?_ he typed.

He'd sent in his preferences earlier in the week. Trying for London because Arthur did and Birmingham because it was close and then random places he knew he had no chance to get into anyway.

 _Going stealth?_ one of them replied.

 _I wish_ , Merlin replied. _Can't. Staying in halls too I think._

 _Grit your teeth and move out when you can,_ one of them said.

 _every1 knew when i went. they were cool._

 _meet some local guys, make friends outside uni,_ someone else said.

The idea of sharing living space with a bunch of girls made Merlin want to throw up. Here was hoping he'd never make it that far and just watch his life blip past. On the other hand, what the fuck would he do with his life?

He pulled up some of advice sites on transitioning, the however many steps from wanting to do it to actually doing it. He could do it while he was at uni, he could do it easy and make it official, nevermind his mum or anyone else.

***

"What's happened to you?" Merlin looked Arthur up and down, taking in his black eye and split lip. "That's what you get from studying?"

Arthur started, and Merlin felt guilty for that one small moment until Arthur's face hardened around the bruises. "Thanks. I needed to hear that." Arthur sank down in the chair next to Merlin and crossed his arms over his chest, staring straight ahead. "I was studying, last week."

"Sure. Sure." Merlin shrugged and didn't add more when Gwaine came in and they started the group proper. Bran and Tony glanced towards Arthur then talked amongst themselves, as did Percival and Lance. When Merlin looked over to Arthur, Arthur was staring at the floor between his feet.

"Are you free, after?" Merlin asked during one the discussions when other people were talking.

"My dad expects me back." Arthur shook his head. "He's getting serious about things. School. Stuff."

"Right." Merlin tapped the heel of his foot to the leg of the chair. "I could come by and you could study and I could pretend to study, or we could both pretend to study and-"

"It's actually important to me, you know."

"Sure." Merlin took a deep breath. "I think I might be able to transition now if I get the money. I wouldn't even need to go through a GP."

"Hm, great," Arthur said, half-heartedly, worrying at the bruises on his knuckles.

"Yeah." Merlin chuckled, not even remotely amused just lost with whatever the fuck it was they were doing. "It actually is," he added under his breath.

Arthur sideways at Merlin and then away again, his fingers pulling at the scabs until he'd messed them all up. "Shit," he muttered under his breath.

The rest of the meeting they sat side by side and Merlin couldn't help but think about the endless stream of bloody knuckles and excuses and piles of books Merlin was sick of hearing about. He wished he was into beating people bloody so he'd get any of that but he didn't. And to be fair, he didn't much get books either.

"I've got to run," Arthur said after the meeting, as he pulled on his jacket, buried his hands in the pockets. "I'm taking the bus from the station. Walk me there?" he asked, quietly enough that Merlin shrugged on his jacket and followed Arthur out into the rain.

"I could come with to study. I was serious about that," Merlin said as they moved around puddles. He'd even open a book and pretend to understand he knew what he was reading.

"My dad's ticked off enough as it is," Arthur gave back.

"Yeah." Merlin looked across to see Arthur's black eye disappear in the shadows and then stand out in stark detail when they passed underneath street lights. He missed the bloke who'd sat in on band practice and listened to his stupid songs.

"I've just got to do this," Arthur muttered.

"Beating the shit out of people?"

"Yeah." Arthur huffed. "Yeah. You wouldn't get it, would you?"

"Why should I when it leaves you looking like this?"

"It's my life, Merlin, do you get that? Making sure that there's a little less shit out there and making sure I get the grades to be able to make a difference. That's what I want from life. That's what matters."

"And I don't?"

Arthur took a deep breath, and nodded, shook his head, said, "fuck, you know what I mean." He scratched his nails over his knuckles until they were bloody again and Merlin caught his fingers and stilled them. He thought about being bigger and stronger and more of a fucking man to get what Arthur was saying and what he was doing and who he was. He wished he was smarter, more of someone than this.

"My bus," Arthur said and brushed a quick kiss to Merlin's lips before he took off jogging through the rain.

***

Freya waved to some of the others before she fell into step next to Merlin down off the school grounds. Merlin had hung about after the last band practice and dangled his bass against his feet, pushing at the bag every now and then to set it swinging.

"Another four weeks and we're done," Freya said, shifting the books from one hand to the other. "I can't wait to be done and see everything else, leave all this behind, all the stupid little small town bullshit."

"Where did you apply?" Every time the topic came up, it gave Merlin stomach ache, some kind of panic somewhere deep down, when he saw everyone else actually managing to cope with this while he was sitting in front of the computer and felt nauseous whenever he caught a glimpse of the books.

"Cardiff, a few in London."

"Not aiming for Oxbridge?" Merlin joked but his voice rasped when he thought of his choices.

"We can meet, to study," Freya said. She pulled at Merlin's sleeve, and he kind of missed the ease they'd had. "It's kind of the most important thing in your life."

"I'm good," Merlin replied and waved her off where their paths split, not waiting around. The wind was pushing his hair into his face, flattened his shirt to his breasts, and he kept his head down as he walked the rest of the way home. It was hard to see this mattering when everything else in his life was wonky shapes and bits and pieces of broken stuff.

His mum was out in the garden when he walked in and he didn't stop by her, just walked straight up to his room and set his bass on the stand.

 _hope you're good,_ he texted Arthur, and missed feeling him right here. Merlin curled up on his bed and draped his arms around a pillow, closed his eyes for just a moment of imagining the good stuff.

 _studying but good_ , Arthur texted back. Merlin looked at it and smudged his fingers over the screen, a bit pathetic like that.

***

Merlin had a game plan written out to ignore the sun outside, a to-do list with small boxes he could tick and feel accomplished about. By noon he figured he had another twelve hours to midnight, plenty of time to read the required texts, plenty of time to revise from his notes, as well.

With every hour that he spent dicking about on the computer, the low panic in the pit of his stomach grew, made him jittery, unsettled. He left the computer and slid onto the bed, shimmying out of his trousers and under the cover.

He'd just take this one, and then sit down and get things done. He pressed the vibrator to his clit and closed his eyes, pushed his hips up with every wave of arousal. The jittery feeling in his stomach mixed with his arousal, settled pulsing in his clit and he came riding that hard, hardly even wet but it calmed him a bit, made him close his eyes for a while.

It was 6 when he woke up. The chat window was still open and scrolling past on his computer. His sociology book was open on the desk atop the English textbook. Merlin turned onto his stomach and pressed his fingers to his clit instead, trying to get rid of the panic that threatened to explode his brain.

***

"Can we meet in Birmingham?" Merlin asked. He sat on his bed and had his knees pulled to his chest, stared at the setting sun outside.

"I can't." Arthur sighed but sounded resigned to it.

"Great," Merlin replied. "I'm going out of my mind here." He kicked at the blanket covering his feet, kicked until it was bunched up at the foot of his bed. His voice caught. "Why not?"

"You know him. _Best behaviour, top ranking, don't disappoint me now._ " Arthur paused. "The school invited him in and he was livid, and I can't right now."

"Sneak out." Merlin gestured at thin air in his room. "Something. Please, Arthur."

"I can't just- Not now, Merlin, I can't drop everything because you need-"

"Piss off, then," Merlin replied and hung up, dropping the phone to his lap. It rang a moment later but Merlin ignored it, put on his headphones and killed some fuckers on the screen.

 _i have to do this for my future right now. sorry. give me until after exams,_ Arthur texted later when Merlin had his hand inside his briefs and was rubbing himself off to the sound of two guys going at it because he needed a break from all the rolling nausea in his stomach.

***

His mum knocked on the door before she walked in at least. It gave him enough time to minimize the browser window and look busy doing something that wasn't looking at porn and ways to grow a dick in a minimum amount of time, something that was the books that even looking at made him want to sick up.

"Will you bring down your laundry?"

Merlin nodded, then said, "yes," until she left again, heaving a bit of a sigh. He stared at the closed door a few moments longer, then went to the stack of books by the bed and grabbed the top one, another one, maybe that would help, opened it to a random page but two minutes and he couldn't remember a word he'd read.

He sat back down at the computer and brought up the websites, pulled out the notebook from his drawer and jotted down the possible timeline. In comparison, exams were nothing and it bled all the unease from his mind to focus on this instead of theories that mattered to exactly no one. Even if he didn't go private he could still be done with everything in two years, maybe go to university after, as a proper man without all the wrong stuff in his body.

He'd have to get a job somewhere, Mc D was always hiring, save up the money and then just go for it, nevermind the consequences, nevermind the people.

Merlin reached for the phone and dialed Arthur's number as he adjusted his dates, scribbled out a few, added in others. Even if he calculated for eventualities, he could still be done in two and a half years.

"Hey," Merlin said, "I just did-"

"Merlin," Arthur cut Merlin off mid-sentence. "Grounded til the exams and my dad will be flip out if he knows I'm not using the time to study."

"Right, but-"

"I'll text you," Arthur said, then hung up.

Merlin stared at the phone and back at his computer screen, then tossed the phone on his bed. It slittered across the cover and dropped off the other side, clattering to the floor. The words were stuck in Merlin's mouth, all the plans and every time Arthur had told him he actually gave a fuck.

Merlin crawled over his bed and fished the phone from the floor.

 _dont bother_ , he wrote and hit send on the text before he could change his mind.

 _fuck i'm sorry. just got mad,_ Merlin texted a few minutes later, but by the time he went to bed Arthur hadn't replied.

***

Merlin kept his curtains drawn most of the time but the four walls of his room made him want to burst out of his skin. He took his jacket, even took one of the books, and left the house. His mum was at work and the sun was out and the train to Birmingham was empty enough.

His foot kept tapping out the same rhythm to the foot of the seat in front of him, a steady tap-tap-tap that he could concentrate on. He opened the book to a random page and began reading, trying to wrap his head around theories, trying to keep his attention on them for more than two minutes and not think about Arthur and not think about the ticket person saying _Ma'am_ like there was no other option than that.

 _Remember when Ms Hall pointed out that it would be good if we studied the chapter on Identity forming within communities. Don't forget about that,_ Freya had emailed to all of their course. Merlin thumbed forward to the right chapter and tried to immerse himself in that instead.

Birmingham was a bit empty on a weekday morning. A few people milled in the city centre, a few others rushing to work in suits, looking busy, and Merlin felt a bit lonely among them, a bit awkward with his sociology book in his hand and nervous energy in his body.

He took the bus to Arthur's and rang the bell, rang it again until he heard footsteps from inside.

Arthur opened the door. "Fuck, what are you..." Arthur said.

Merlin leaned in and kissed him, one hand on Arthur's shoulder, smudging a thumb across the bruise on Arthur's cheekbone, the one stretching down to his collarbone.

"I missed you," Merlin said.

"Me too," Arthur replied but slowly pulled away. "You should have called."

"You're not picking up your phone," Merlin said and took a small step back. "I brought a book and there's other stuff, Arthur, I figured if you went to uni, I could come with and work somewhere and save up the money, and-"

"Merlin, please." Arthur pushed his hand over Merlin's mouth, then dropped it to his shoulder. "Please. Right now my head's full of maths formulas and history dates and the way money moves around in the world. Right now, that's all in here, and it's two weeks. Two weeks and then it's the exams and we're done. Two weeks, Merlin."

Arthur's gaze tracked over Merlin's body and for the first time in a long time Merlin felt all wrong as he stood in front of Arthur, all wrong walking through the city, too, and seeing everyone see this when they looked at him, the outline of his breasts and the width of his hips and the way his shirt tightened in the wrong places.

"Two weeks," Arthur said again.

Merlin ignored the clench of his heart and looked up a bit to not start crying now. He touched the bruise on Arthur's face and kissed him again, but Arthur pulled away.

"My head's this close to exploding right now, and if I didn't know he'd get me for it, I'd go out and-"

"Are we going camping after?" Merlin asked, kneading the book between his fingers.

"Sure. Sure," Arthur said. "Well, until uni, then uni starts and who knows where I'll be." His eyes glazed over a bit, distracted, as he dragged a hand through his hair. "We'll be good," he said.

Merlin nodded. "I'll leave you to it," he said and stepped back, waved his sociology book at Arthur and Arthur gave him a thumbs-up and a wide grin and Merlin took his plans and everything that made him more fucked up than Arthur could ever be and turned and walked away.

He ignored the tear splotches in his book whenever he thumbed past the pages he'd read on the train back, whenever he took notes because there was little else to do to drown out his stomach being clenched up tight.

***

Most of his mornings started with a coffee and then long hours of nothing, and Merlin got out his books when he was tired of staring at his mobile and waiting for something from Arthur, tired of staring at his email for the same, triply tired of Freya's emails reminding him about the coded hints their teacher had dropped about things that most certainly, almost definitely would make it into the exam.

Sociology still bored him with its shit theories but at least he could name some of them after a long weekend spent curled up on his bed, jealous enough of the blokes fucking blokes in porn that he didn't want to watch anymore because it reminded him of Arthur holding him close.

 _miss you,_ Arthur texted after another week or so and even though Merlin picked up the mobile enough times he didn't type out a reply he ended up sending. It wasn't like Arthur gave a fuck about anything but his life, the one that Merlin didn't really factor into. Arthur didn't send another message, and as much as Merlin missed him, he just buried his head in books and tried to do something with his life that was a pale shadow of Arthur's accomplishments.

He left it until the day before his first exam, sociology, that had Freya and Declan and the rest of them bouncing on the toes of their feet, drumming their fingers against the railing. He texted, _Coffee?_ , then turned off his phone and went in and wrote a load of bollocks disguised as analytical answers.

***

Birmingham greeted him with rain on a Saturday back after the exams. He hadn't called Arthur to hear if he was coming and figured he'd be there if he was. Walking through the streets and into the building for the meeting felt different when he knew he might not be here for that much longer, like this state of a number of prolonged goodbyes when you couldn't stop saying them.

"Haven't seen you in a while," Percival said as he gave Merlin a hug. Merlin went to hug Lance as well and held on for a few moments, trying not to start bawling at feeling someone else close. "We've missed you and Arthur. Exams, huh, they take it out of you."

Merlin sat on one of the chairs, huffed and shrugged. "Yeah, he's busy. I think," he said. "He was busy, last we talked."

He kept looking at the door throughout the meeting but it didn't open and Arthur didn't walk in. His stomach fell. He checked his phone a few times to see if maybe Arthur had remembered and texted, that he'd meet him after because it was Saturday and exams were done.

Percival gave him a long glance when Merlin pulled on his jacket to leave, but Merlin shrugged him off.

"Hey, no, hey." Percival pulled him around by his shoulder and bent down to stare right into his eyes like he was seeing some deep dark truths and not just a bunch of weeks with little sleep.

"You and Arthur, you're okay?"

Merlin shrugged. "Fucked if I know."

"Are _you_ okay?" Percival asked.

Merlin buried feeling like shit somewhere deep down. "Yeah, sure. Exams went better than I thought. That's all that counts, right?" He waved goodbye to them with another tight smile and twisted away before they could ask more questions.

***

 _How'd your exams go? Can't wait for results! So glad I worked my arse off! Coffee?_ Arthur's text read. It pinged into Merlin's phone early on a Sunday when Merlin had been up shooting some people's faces off all night.

Merlin stared down at the words, the ease of them and the lack of everything that went on in his own heart and head like not giving a fuck could be made okay with a coffee and a few hugs. Merlin put the phone aside and concentrated on his game again, forced himself to be okay with it and not want to rush out and jump into Arthur's arms like he was a girl and Arthur was a boy and they wasted months pretending otherwise.

The rest of the week, between his mother nagging him to visit relatives and clean his room and stop looking like he did and to put a bit more care into his appearance, he tried to come with something to say to Arthur. Something like, _sure_ or _you know, same old_ , but none of it made him feel like he was good enough exactly, not by Arthur's standards.

A week turned into a month, turned into results day, like nothing flat between long nights at the computer and curtain-darkened days plucking at the strings of his guitar and bass. His passes stood on the letter in black on white and admittance to uni somewhere that wasn't London or wherever Arthur had applied. That was his future then.

He picked up his phone _then_ and dialed Arthur's number because he had something to show now, at least.

" _The number you've dialed is out of service_ ," the message said, and Merlin looked down at his phone, redialed but got the same message.

 _What happened to your phone? Would love a coffee._ Merlin wrote in an email.

He didn't get a reply.


	3. Merlin

The clock ticked to 11 in raring red but Merlin just turned over again and ignored the sliver of bright sunlight dragging its way through the closed curtains. Outside his door someone was banging pots and pans about, late breakfast or early lunch, but it wasn't like Merlin gave a toss either way. His schedule, carefully highlight-marked, on the door showed that his first class of the day was already over and done with and he was missing the tutorial right this very moment, but he just pulled the blanket over his head and ignored the world existed.

Laughter outside his door woke him again, well past one o'clock, and the headache pulsed in Merlin's head. He dragged himself up, pulled on shorts and a t-shirt, the wobbling stuff underneath the fabric just making him want to disappear under the blankets again.

His phone showed a missed message. For a moment he thought it might be Arthur, out of the blue after months of nothing, but it was only spam and he deleted it with a few punches of his fingers.

Merlin left his room, promptly coming face to face with some of his flatmates, all of them looking at him, nodding, then going about their way again, and Merlin nodded back, never mind everything pulling tight in his stomach, and disappeared in the communal bathroom. He breathed deep as he caught sight of himself in the mirror. It was only Tuesday, and he was craving the guilt-free weekends already.

He didn't look at himself as he pulled off his shirt and pushed down his shorts and stepped into the shower, ignored the hushed whispers and hints of laughter from the kitchen and turned on the water to too damn hot.

Boys didn't fucking cry, and so he didn't.

***

Merlin slipped into the lecture while the prof was going on about some theory or another and sat at the back. He got out a notepad and pen and copied the venn diagrams, graphs and arrows from the board, not really processing any of the information.

He pushed his hair behind his ear when it curled around his pen as he sat bent over his desk.

"The basic principles in research methodology can be summarized in the following manner," the lecturer, Brown or Green or another colour said, and Merlin tuned out just about then, staring at the scribbles on his paper as if it held all the answers.

Class finished and everyone pushed past Merlin. He resolutely stared at his scribbles and avoided looking at any of them directly. The laughter cut right to the bone, made his face heat and Merlin hunched over more, blood rushing in his ears as he didn't move or react at all.

***

Sweat was dripping into Merlin's eyes as he was washing his binder in the sink. He scrubbed at it with washing powder and cold water, dunking it again and again. Half-naked and under shit light his body looked the worst yet, breasts sloshing back and forth with every movement of his arms.

Merlin reached up with one soapy finger and thumb and pinched at his nipple, pulled the breast from his body until the skin was all stretched, then let go and watched it wobble back into place. He repeated the movement, the pinch of pain and the grotesque shape of weird skin and flesh, looking down himself and looking at it in the mirror. Even knowing that it was a breast didn't make it that to him; it hung down his body like some weird attachment that seemed all out of place.

 _Checking up on you. You ok M?_

 _SH_

sat in Merlin's email inbox when he got back to his room. Merlin opened it to reply but the fourth consecutive 'things are a bit shit' message wouldn't quite come, so he closed the tab down and opened the game. He plucked his head phones from the floor and crawled into bed, laptop on his knees as the interface loaded and his warrior spun an idle circle.

 _What's the mission?_ he typed into the chat window, ignoring the hours ticking by in the middle of the night when they slayed some true amateurs in an impressive show of strength.

***

"It's not bad," Merlin said. The building was cold against his back, rain coming down as everyone else hurried past, going places, and laughing with friends.

"You don't sound too enthusiastic," Percival said on the other end of the phone, moving something about in the background.

Merlin didn't reply, only forced himself to breathe steady.

"Merlin?"

"Wish I could see you," Merlin said and shrugged. "But hey, it's okay, yeah?" He hung up before it became pathetic and pitiful and before Percival had a chance to reply. He rang back immediately, Merlin's phone vibrating in his pocket but Merlin ignored it and stared out at the rain coming down like it did most every day in this miserable place.

Merlin jangled the tenner in change he had in his pocket and went into the Tesco at the corner. Nothing in any of the aisles looked appetizing. In the end he settled on a six-pack of Fosters and some chocolate, fumbling his ID at the check out to a curious glance and double-take. He hunched over, pulling his hood deep when he walked back into the rain, never fucking mind any of it.

He drained the first can while still dripping rain water back in his room, well on the way to the second as the _Madison, in regards to the missed tutorial_ message flashed in his student email. He hit delete before reading it, just not wanting to deal. Not wanting to deal with his Facebook either and Freya's smiling face in Bath, amongst her friends and big fat lesbian pride bullshit.

Merlin crawled under his blanket, beer can balanced on his knee and close to tipping over but he saved it at the last minute, drew on his headphones and wandered about idly in the interface before someone popped on.

 _You're in early! WOOT!_ flashed in the chatbox

 _Hell yeah,_ Merlin replied and the rest of the world faded away as he lost himself in kicking some serious arse.

***

"I think it's time to be up front, I'm concerned about your performance thus far," Brown said, shuffling Merlin's last essay from one corner of the desk to the other, the half-thought-out bit of bullshit he'd written in the wee hours before the deadline.

"Right," Merlin replied. He picked at the inside seam of his jeans, didn't look up to meet Brown's eyes. The office was stuffy, books on the shelves Merlin was somewhat interested in (he'd read the curriculum, gender studies was 3rd year material) and tons of folders and the stern look that carried even without Merlin making eye contact.

"I know a lot of students find adjusting to life at the university hard," Brown said.

Merlin wanted to shout that everything was fucking fine but he nodded and promised to be better and said he wouldn't miss another appointment.

"Some of the other girls in your year, Vivian and Lisa come to mind, they'd be happy to-"

"Thanks," Merlin ground out, the shape of the bumps on his chest just visible in the periphery of his glance downwards. He stumbled out of the office without looking back, not even sure what else Brown said about the coursework, only something echoing in his mind about social contacts and the spirit of university life.

He was by himself back in the halls, a missed call from his mother on his phone, and smeared some jam on toast, eating as he leaned against the oven.

The door opened to chatter, laughs, then quiet as one of his flatmates squeezed through the gaggle of girls. "That's Madison," she smiled at Merlin. "Studying sociology."

Merlin saw the smiley face in her eyes and everyone's gaze dragging over his clothes and his hair and the lack of make-up on his face. They all disappeared in his flatmate's room, rip-roaring laughter starting up as the door closed behind them.

Merlin took his toast and the feeling of wanting to vomit all over the kitchen floor, beat a retreat to his room only to pull on headphones and crank up the music and ignore the laughter coming through the walls and the door.

***

" _You haven't called much._ "

Merlin stared at the computer screen in front of him, his sociology text books strewn about the room as if he'd actually opened them at any point. Freya's latest Facebook message and updated relationship status stared at Merlin as he closed it down.

Freya was HAPPY in all caps and all sparkles and everything about him hurt and made him want to cut big slashes over his body and never come out of his room.

"Not much to say," he replied to his mother over the phone as he curled up on the side and kept the crying noises down even as tears rolled down his cheek.

"Have you made friends?"

"Some people," Merlin answered, kept his voice all steady, all calm, "we go out sometimes, it's good."

"Good."

The pause stretched and stretched further until Merlin said, "I've got to go. Homework," and barely waited for his mother to reply with the affirmative and hung up.

His pillow was wet and mucky but he still buried his face in it, wanting to be anywhere but here where voices talked about him all the time, everyone stared at at him, where nothing went right and he knew no one.

He took a can of beer and his hoodie and fled the flat, just got out of the building and down the street and further down, never mind the wind and the rain and everything making his teeth chatter and his skin gross, clinging his clothes to his body.

He found a park and a lake and no one there, only him, and stared out at the weather as he sat in the mud and let his clothes soak through to his skin. Five more months of this shit until the end of the year, five more months of holding out and forgetting about everything and forgetting about Arthur's face and Arthur's smile and how everything had been easier then, with Arthur's lips around his cock and Arthur's lips on Merlin's before Arthur had fucked off to London or wherever for everthing that was important in life.

The tears mingled with the rain water and ran hot into the neck of his shirt, sobs stealing his breath from his chest as he toppled sideways and lay with his head in the mud and just waited for things to be over. He grabbed at his chest and between his legs, squeezed hard until the pain brought new tears to his eyes and screamed until he coughed and cried more.

***

 _Its just shit,_ Merlin wrote in the chat, beer can at his lips as he read about the others chatting about the first shots of T and the surgery dates and gender clinics.

 _SU?_

Merlin didn't reply, didn't want to say he couldn't be bothered.

Didn't want to say they kept calling him Ma'am in shops and Miss and that everyone was judging him to be the fucking ugliest girl on campus.

He downed the beer in one go and crawled under the covers, fingers clutched around his fake dick, eyes squeezed closed. He just wanted it to stop.

***

Arthur was off at Uni.

Arthur was doing sports.

Arthur had boyfriends he fucked up the arse.

Arthur had never added Merlin on Facebook and even if Merlin checked every day, he didn't have the guts to add Arthur, he only followed every entry on his wall, everything that happened on his friends' walls, everything Arthur did or said, every photo he was tagged in, smiling as he played rugby, laughing as he got painted up for some other gay party.

Arthur without Merlin got pissed off his arse in clubs somewhere down in London.

The rain was beating against the windows in fucking Newcastle and Merlin stared at Arthur's smiling face until he called and hung up on Percival, ignored the call back and had pressed the vibrator to his clit until he'd come and fallen asleep after.

***

Jeans and shirts over his arm Merlin dared them to say anything, but the shop assistants kept whatever they were thinking inside, only stared Merlin down as he disappeared in the cabin.

His hair was askew and wild from the wind, face flushed, jeans sitting awkward on his much too prominent hips, shirt shifted into all the wrong places.

He tried on the new jeans, the new shirts.

The cool red shirt pulled too tight around his waist and hips while fitting just right around his shoulders in S, in M it hung loose enough on his waist but looked shit on his shoulders, two sizes too big at least. Merlin tugged at it, tried to imagine wearing something else over it, and tried to forget the mannequins in the shop outside looking perfectly fitted with their tapered waists.

Merlin shoved his hand into his jeans, rearranged his dick in them. It still looked wrong after and if he didn't stand hunched over his breasts showed like neon lights. Merlin brushed his hair behind his ears, thought he should just cut it all off.

***

Merlin pulled the shirt out of his jeans again, ignored that it pulled a bit tight. He caught sight of himself in a shop window and if he squinted he easily passed. His heart was beating in his throat, Saturday night in Newcastle and he kept his eyes on the ground, hands in his pockets as he walked past a pub, a bunch of blokes shouting shit. Why would it even be about him but he couldn't quite shake that it was.

Newcastle, notorious for its parties and clubs, was out in full force that night, drunken laughter and shouting wherever Merlin looked.

He pushed the door to a pub open and squeezed in, brushed past a few people to the bar and got a beer. He glanced up, then glanced away again as the pub bustled around him. A gaggle of girls laughed loud in a corner, boisterous, a bunch of guys stood in the other, shoulder slapping and fist-knocking. Merlin sipped his beer by the bar and watched them, watched a guy approach a girl, flirtatious glances and the two of them copping off.

A bloke leaned next to Merlin against the bar, ordering some drinks. His glance brushed over Merlin from head to toe, question marks jumping about in his eyes but he just turned when he gots his drinks and took his frown to his group of friends.

Merlin ignored the glances back to him, ignored the gaggle of laughter and how it made him sick to his stomach. As a couple snogged easily in a corner, a few girls rubbed themselves up against blokes, Merlin couldn't quite keep the envy at bay.

No one looked at him as he left. They probably all thought he was the most unattractive bird they'd ever come across, and fuck, he couldn't blame them.

***

His alarm rang for the exam and he looked at it once then turned it off and turned over, not giving it any more attention.

Merlin woke again a few hours later, head aching, waistband of his cockstrap cutting red marks into his skin, binder chafing under his arms, and still his arm was wrapped around his middle and his fingers around his cock and he pressed back into the pillow, imagining someone behind him holding him close.

He hadn't checked his student email account in a week at least, maybe two, had only made it out of his his room for more beer and toast and instant noodles, the packages and wrappers and general rubbish of junk food piling up on the floor and the side of the bed he wasn't using.

His phone rang and Merlin thumbed it to silent. Percival had emailed him sometime last week, as had Lance, his mother had texted but he hadn't replied.

When he moved, imagining a hand pulling him back down for more snuggling, more kisses pressed to the back of his neck, wrappers and random plastic shifted from the side of his bed to topple to the floor.

Outside his room, the flatmates were talking in the kitchen.

"She stinks," one of them said.

"I never see her," someone else replied.

Merlin grabbed for his headphones and pushed them on, frantically searching for anything to drown out their voices.

***

The email was from the Head of the School, some University representatives CCed from more than a week ago. Merlin stared at it with slitted eyes, crusty with sleep. He stank of sweat and alcohol, his room reeked of wrappers he should have taken out weeks ago.

 _Serious concerns_ and _roundtable discussion_ , it said, _academic progression_ and _grave situation._ Merlin deleted it from his inbox after he'd skimmed it, deleted all the emails from his tutor as well.

Arthur had been sailing on the weekend, tanned skin and laugh lines and blue fucking eyes.

Seahorse had left him emails and they all sat unread. Merlin glanced down his body, the bulging stuff and back up at Arthur's picture he had stupidly saved with an arm around someone else, and Merlin balled his fingers to a fist and brought his fist down hard on top of his breasts, hitting himself again and again until everything ached and he just wanted it gone.

He ended up sideways on his bed, arms wrapped around himself and crying through the ache and the turmoil inside him, everything aching in his chest. He pinched at the layer of fat on his hips, at everything that bulged in all the wrong places and betrayed him to everything.

Merlin reached for the scissors from his desk, underneath the trash and some schoolwork from the beginning of the year when he'd been determined to try and make this work, whatever it was. He took the scissors to his hair and cut at it, ripping it to shreds, as short as he could, until the remaining strands stood as awkward stubble. He racked up his binder and held the sharp blades to his breasts, pushing them into his skin until red lines appeared underneath.

"I just want it to stop," he whispered before the tears fucked his voice over again and the sobs shook his body.

***

The train was near empty this time of the evening. Past the commuters it was only a few odds-and-ends folks who went south then, rag tag group of randoms, a few tourists, a few undecipherables. Merlin had two seats to himself. He curled up against the window and watched Newcastle's signs disappear and make way for night, street lights and a few houses and soon just darkness and his own reflection in the window.

His eyes felt tired, his throat sore and everything in him ached. He stared himself down in the window and couldn't even find the energy to recoil in disgust or in surprise, just knowing that every minute took him further away made breathing a little easier.

"Tickets please," Merlin was asked and he handed them over. "There you go, mate," the conductor said as he handed them back and had already turned to the next person while Merlin was still staring at his back.

Percival's and Lance's address on a throwaway piece of paper and in his phone, just to make sure, and it seemed better than anything he'd had up here. The tears came again, and Merlin rubbed his face on his elbow, just wanted to stop crying like a fucking sissy every other moment.

Birmingham was dark and he took a cab on some of his last cash, read out the address with shaking voice and paid the cabbie sans tip before he got out.

Gone midnight the street lay quiet.

Merlin pressed the doorbell, face pushed to the wall above the bell signs, a breeze picking at his clothes. He pressed the bell again, thought he could hear the faint ring somewhere in the house.

" _Hello?_ " came through the speaker a moment later.

"It's Merlin," Merlin said. "I- .. sorry- I..." and he pressed his fist to his mouth as the sobs pushed up and out through his throat.

The light in the stairwell went on, then steps and the door was pulled open. Merlin turned, looked at Percival in his boxers and t-shirt and Merlin cleared his throat and tried to say something, lifted his hands to make a point, but all that came out was another sob as he stumbled forward and Percival caught him against his chest, arms going around Merlin and holding him tight, one arm around his shoulders, the other around his waist.

He smelled of sleep and shower stuff and freshly washed shirt, and Merlin just buried his face in Percival's chest, trying to catch his breath through the sobs, Percival's hand rubbing up and down his back.

"Get you inside, huh?" Percival said eventually and drew away, cool air intruding where he'd been warm, and Merlin nodded, yawned, shivered, bone-deep tired and ready to collapse then and there now that the adrenaline had evaporated into human contact.

"Sorry," Merlin said as he stepped into their flat, Lance looking on with his hair sleep-tousled and his eyes crusty and a bit confused.

"S'okay," Lance said, questioning eyes sliding to Percival behind Merlin then back to Merlin. "You good with the sofa?"

Merlin nodded, hands thrust into the pockets of his jeans as Lance disappeared back down the corridor.

"Anyone know you're here?"

Merlin shook his head, stared down at the carpet.

"Anyone need to know?" Percival asked after a moment and Merlin's head snapped up, searching for someone who'd give a toss he wasn't in Newcastle anymore, anyone who'd even noticed, then shook his head again. "Okay," Percival said. "Something to eat? Drink?"

Lance came back with bedding and made up the sofa, stuffing blankets around cushions and fluffing a pillow, turning this even more surreal.

"No," Merlin managed to say. "I'm fine, just-" He wiped at the tears on his face again, rubbed until his face felt raw. "Fuck."

"Yeah. You look like shit, Merls," Percival said, smiling and Merlin tried for a smile as well but just wanted the soft bed, and sleep, and forgetting everything that had gone on and fucked him up. "Good night." Percival nodded and Lance gave a wave as they both disappeared down the hallway again, leaving Merlin in their living room.

Merlin collapsed to the make-shift bed after he'd turned off the light, stripping down to boxers, reaching to take off his cock and slipping out of his binder then pulling on his t-shirt again. Sleep came on in nothing flat.

The quiet conversation from the kitchen woke him, the clang of plates and cutlery. Merlin drew the blanket tighter around his body as he sat up on the couch, back aching. A car was driving past outside, roar of the engine and the sound of tyres on wet asphalt.

"Coffee?" Lance asked from the doorway, fully dressed and awake.

Merlin nodded. His backpack sat at the foot of the couch, everything he had packed in his need to just get away.

"Bathroom's down the hall," Percival shouted from the kitchen.

Merlin took his backpack and disappeared there before either of them could peek around the corner again. He took a shower, probably too long, brushed his teeth and avoided looking at himself in the mirror for too long, just pulled on binder and cock, some lame band t-shirt and jeans before he looked halfway presentable except for the circles under his eyes.

Lance pushed the mug of coffee across the table towards Merlin while he ate his toast leaning against the counter. Percival was eating cereal. Both of them looked at him.

Percival chewed and swallowed. "Feeling better?"

"Thanks." Merlin sipped too hot coffee. It burned his throat and settled hot in his stomach. The rim of the mug was chipped, the linoleum in the kitchen rather ugly but he preferred looking at that than looking at their faces.

"I'm off," Lance said eventually, the crunch of his toast loud as he shoved it in his mouth then brushed a kiss to Percival's mouth. He gave Merlin a one-armed hug before he disappeared out the door.

Merlin sipped his coffee.

"Not gonna make you spill," Percival said. "Can't say I'm not worried though."

"I'm not ten."

"You look like shit, Merlin."

"Thanks." Merlin glared at Percival, fingers tight and aching around the coffee mug, his stomach queasy and he already saw himself on the floor vomiting his guts out when, "I just... couldn't... can't," he brought out and squeezed his eyes shut to stop tears. He grabbed for his breast with his free hand, squeezed through the binder, smacked at his hips until the low waver of pain radiated down to his thigh and Percival had grabbed his wrist in a hand and stilled. "Everyone just looking and- that. This. Fuck."

He looked up at Percival, blinking through the tears.

"You gonna top yourself?" Percival asked, head cocked.

"Fuck you," Merlin gave back under a laugh as he drew his hand back and shrugged. "Not gonna top myself, just had to get away. I just couldn't stand them looking and seeing this and..:" Merlin trailed off. "I fucked up with Uni and it's shit anyway, so why bother, you know."

"Your mum?"

Merlin huffed, shook his head, and he could have explained everything but he didn't want to explain anything, not that, not with how it still made his chest tight. Merlin sat on one of the kitchen chairs and held up his cup when Percival gestured with the coffee.

***

The skies were still chucking it down when Merlin walked into the park. A year ago exactly, give or take a few weeks, this had been the best summer with Arthur. The trees were soggy with the water, spilling everywhere, and the grassy bits between were hazy with rain fog.

It didn't look like last year; it didn't much feel like last year.

Rain had soaked his sneakers and socks, his shirt and binder, accentuating curves and bumps and Merlin crouched in the clearing trying to remember which tree they'd kissed against before they'd spun off in another direction, chasing one another.

The trees looked all the same though, so Merlin chose one at random and leaned against it, blinked out into the mess of rain and sort of memories. No great revelations, no great surprises, only a shit load of rain and wet clothes.

***

Merlin didn't turn on the light in the flat even as dusk faded into a proper evening. Percival and Lance had gone out hours ago and Merlin had stolen into the park, just sat there like an idiot, and wished everything was a little different.

He pulled his laptop onto his lap and checked the chat room but none of the regulars there were and he wasn't in the mood to talk much anyway. He clicked on one of his porn bookmarks instead and slid down on the couch as the video was loading, using the two hours of honest to God privacy.

Merlin shoved his fingers down his boxers and rubbed thumb and index finger up along his clit when the video started to play. The screen was a bit staticky and the sound a bit too close and wet to the camera, but the guy held his dick in his hand and wanked at a leisure pace. He was wet, dragged his finger through it every now and again but then went back to stripping his dick.

Merlin felt his own clit between his fingers, imagined it growing to that size, imagined being able to fuck it into someone else. Merlin pushed his hips up into his touch, arse lifting off the cushions to get more as the guy on the screen breathed harder and louder.

***

 _Hi Mum,_

 _I'm staying at Uni for the summer. There's some activities. It's good._

 _M_

Merlin hit sent and took a gulp of the vodka and Coke before he could possibly change his mind again. Lance was changing in the bedroom while Percival leaned in the doorway to the kitchen, all dressed up and ready to go.

Big fat lie, but as things were, what was another thing on top of it.

***

The screen of his phone spelled out middle of the night and too damn late as well as too damn early at the same time. Merlin pulled the blanket up over his breasts again and turned on his side, curling an arm around his middle. The sofa dipped just where his arse was and he shifted around again, trying to find a more comfortable position as he inhaled musty sofa stench, nose mashed to the scratchy cushions.

"-shh don't - fuck-" came from down the corridor, then Percival's suppressed laugh and a smack of hand to chest.

Merlin propped himself up on his elbow, straining to listen.

Rustling and the squeak of the bed behind closed doors, then nothing Merlin could make out for a long time, until Lance's voice came strained, then cut off, followed by a few laughs again and more quietness until the steady string of whispers and exclamations drifted through the flat, the sound of something knocking against a wall.

Merlin lay back on the sofa and imagined them moving against each other, Percival's cock shoving into Lance with every muffled grunt and moan, sweat dripping off tight muscles. Merlin pushed his fingers into his boxers and rubbed along his clit. He gripped himself between thumb and forefinger, rubbing his clit like a dick in time to the push and shove noises from the bedroom, his hips grinding up into the motion.

He turned into his stomach when every creak of the mattress was accompanied by Lance gasping, then groaning, until that grew muffled. Merlin pushed his hips into the couch, his fingers squashed between his body and the cushion and he closed his eyes and imagined being in Percival's place, producing every one of those sounds Lance was making, every single sound because his dick was pushing all the way into Lance's arse.

"Fuck, yeah," Merlin breathed into the pillow and clenched his fingers around the arm of the couch, thought of that as Lance's hair, holding on as he fucked into him hard.

He was wet around his fingers, his grip sliding on his dick, but Merlin kept pushing into it, straining to hear more as Percival's moans warbled around Lance's gasps, and then nothing, laughter, a few whispers, and Merlin rubbed frantically at himself, needing jsut that little bit more as the heat rolled in his lower stomach and he came, crotch pressed to the sofa cushions, the blanket all bunched up beneath him.

The bedroom door opened and steps padded along the corridor to the kitchen. Merlin tried to calm his breathing, appear asleep, even as his clit was pulsing against his fingers, every beat of his heart sending more heat through him.

"Get me some water," Lance stage-whispered from the bedroom. The fridge opened and closed and Percival padded back down the corridor to their bedroom, the door closing behind them.

Merlin turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling, hand still on his bits as he fell asleep.

***

 _See a GP  
sort it out,_ Seahorse typed in the private chat, the group one going on in the other tab.

 _dunno_ , Merlin replied.

Percival and Lance were out clubbing and it left Merlin with too many thoughts on the sofa, blanket over his legs and laptop on top. He took a sip of the beer, grimaced at the taste.

 _can’t force you but not quite sure what you're waiting for,_ Seahorse said when Merlin had nothing to add.

Merlin closed the PM tab and went back into the main chat.

 _i've tried mr limpy, prefer mr right but that one makes a giant bulge and feels awkward, not sure if it's the harness or what_

Merlin googled the ones the others were suggesting, bookmarking a few sites.

 _what are you afraid of?_ popped up in PM.

 _that it's just me being crazy  
what if i'm just crazy and imagining things_

A pause, then Seahorse wrote, _yeah but what if not_

***

"You're up early..." Percival still looked half asleep, boxers tented, chest bare as he scratched his fingers down his body.

"Yeah," Merlin said over coffee, not looking at Percival but looking.

"Got plans?"

Merlin shrugged. Getting out, walking around, sitting in the park if it wasn't raining wasn't exactly prime sharable activity. "You?"

"Wake up?" Percival laughed, rooting through the fridge for juice, finding it, gulping some down straight from the jug before he turned towards the shower. The muscles in his back shifted, all that naked skin and Merlin wanted some of that, or really, some of anything.

***

Birmingham hadn't changed much, probably not at all. New Street during the weekday was still the mix of chavs and chavs with baby bumps and a few suits here and there. The Killers were playing over Merlin's iPod and him and a Latte from not-Starbucks as he sat on the steps watching people and wishing life sucked a little less.

The sandwich smacked into his chest and dropped from there to his lap. Lance nodded at him and settled next to Merlin on the steps, loosening his tie and unpacking his own sandwich.

"When did you come in last night?" Lance asked after a bite of the sandwich, jostling Merlin with his shoulder.

The Killers were playing out tinny through the earbuds when Merlin opened his sandwich, shrugged. "Just been walking around."

"Pubs?"

"Maybe?" Merlin bit into his sandwich, mustard going everywhere.

They both watched people passing by. Lance started twice as if to say something and then didn't, glanced across at Merlin and down at his sandwich again. "Term's starting up again soon..." he said eventually and left it hanging.

"Yeah..."

"And are you-"

"-I'm not going back." Merlin's throat felt tight just remembering the room, the whispers, the days he'd spent with the curtains drawn. "I don't know- I can't."

"You hadn't said."

"Right." The sandwich in his hand had cost Lance two pounds fifty, the coffee he had of theirs in the morning, the water, the electricity, the couch itself. "I'll be out of your hair by tonight," he said, the last bite soggy in his mouth and like he was eating someone else's pure money.

"Right because that's what I was saying?" Merlin was half up, heart pounding, but Lance hadn't even moved and was only looking up at him, shrugged. "No one can make you do anything but thought you'd wanna do something with your life."

"It sucks," Merlin said, shoe scuffing at the concrete step. Lance sat there with his perfect chest and his narrow waist, crotch in his dress pants and broad shoulder and biceps stretching the shirt. "Not sure I'm good for anything anyway," Merlin added. All he knew was trans shit, all he thought about was trans shit. Fucking sad.

***

For a few moments Merlin considered staying on the train, pretending he didn't see the village roll past, but when the brakes ground to a screeching halt he was off his seat and off the train despite himself.

He'd been back for Christmas just because staying up in Newcastle had looked like the worse of the two options. He had his iPod but no music playing, had a book but hadn't managed to read more than a page or two, thoughts drifting off too fast.

When he turned down the road for his mum's house he knew he could still turn away and make truth of the big fat lie but what was the use in that.

"Maddie!" his mother said and caught him in a hug, holding him tight, little choked-up noises that made Merlin feel guilty until he remembered three birthdays ago and thinking fuck that.

"Surprise." Merlin extracted himself from her embrace, tried for a smile.

"You should have called, I would have called but I didn't know that- What happened to your hair? What-"

She ushered him in, made him coffee, sat him down, all under the chatter of months of barely any contact. The chair was hard under his arse, the tea too hot and the conversation stuffing his throat.

"I'm dropping out of Uni," Merlin said into the pause between two halves of a sentence about neighbours he barely remembered.

His mum's tea cup clanked on the saucer.

"I know it's not what you-" Merlin stared at the shimmering surface of his tea. "It's not what I thought would happen either but it's not for me."

Chair legs scraped on linoleum as his mum pushed her chair back. "And you just decide it like that? Your future-"

" _My_ future, exactly," Merlin gave back, looking up now and seeing his mother's pinched face and shaking hands. "I've not just decided this yesterday, mum."

"You always come out with these... confessions..."

Merlin bit back the bitter laugh and the queasiness in his stomach of just what else he was hiding and carrying in plain sight with his binder and packing cock in his briefs, his jeans bulged out at the crotch.

"Yeah I wish I didn't," Merlin replied, took another sip from his coffee.

"What do you think you're doing with your life then, now? What will you live off? How will you-"

"-I'll find something." Merlin stared down at his tea again. "I just wanted you to know."

His mother laughed, disbelieving and in that same tone, the same mannerism that she'd had at that grand lesbian revelation. All of Merlin's old scars were scratched at and broken open again. His knee jiggled against the leg of the table, making the tea reverberate in the cups.

"That's why I came here to tell you, so you'd know, to- sorry," he looked at her. "I know you wish I'd turned out different, not been this disappointing." And he meant all of himself and all of it that was queer and messed up and she probably cried herself to sleep at night blaming leaving his dad or whatever.

For a moment he hoped she'd disagree, say she was proud of him despite all that but she didn't, didn't even meet his eyes and when she didn't call him back as he was walking down the corridor and out of her life, he forced himself not to hesitate as he closed the door behind him and not look back.

The train journey back to Birmingham was hazey, his stomach sat hard and knotted up inside him until he reached the city and stumbled out at New Street, didn't take a cab but just walked.

He passed the building the youth group had used to meet at, tried the door but it was the wrong day and the wrong time and who knew if they were still there, Gwaine and some new kids. By the time he was walking down the right road he'd regretted his high-strung emotional soul-searching exercise (his feet were bloody well aching), but he'd made it without bringing up the bit of tea and bile, without crying even.

"I'm dropping out," Merlin said to Percival as he let himself into the flat. "I just- have to."

***

Newcastle looked different when Merlin knew he'd be gone again a few hours later, near bearable. They had a coffee in the city centre, arguing over the sandwiches from the services and whether or not it'd be worth driving on to Scotland now that they were that far north. As they made for the halls though, that sinking feeling in Merlin's stomach was back.

"Right, this is it," he said as he unlocked the flat door.

A few of his flatmates, back early from the break or having nowhere to go, sat over late breakfast, raising eyebrows and nodding a mute hello that Merlin returned.

Everything about the place hit him, the way it smelled, the stupid posters in the kitchen, the claustrophobic layout of the place. His flatmates where whispering to one another as he went to unlock his door, and it cut right into his guts but Percival nudged at the small of his back and he let them into his room. The curtains were still drawn, the room still stank of old beer and musty sheets. His miserable, pathetic existence was laid out for Percival and Lance, and Merlin wanted to shut the door on it and tell them to forget they'd ever seen it.

"Let's get this cleaned out," Percival said, hand squeezing Merlin's shoulder as he moved past him for the windows, pushing the curtains aside and letting light and air into the room. The sudden sunshine played over the mess of bottles and cans, food stuff dried and crusted on plates, dirty laundry everywhere.

Lance unrolled a few bin bags, handing them to both Percival and Merlin.

"Keep it together now," Percival told Merlin and then systematically went about cleaning the room, only pausing to ask Merlin what he wanted to keep and what could go, what was communal property, what wasn't. Lance did the dishes in the kitchen after cleaning off the junk and practically living things on top of them.

"These?" Percival pointed at some shirts balled up in the corner, stuck together by beer and Coke or something else he'd spilled and hastily wiped up.

"Toss," Merlin replied, throat dry and tears wanting to prick at his eyes but he wouldn't let them fall, only sorted books he had no plan to look at again into boxes, clothes into bags to take back to Birmingham with them. They cleaned out his old shit life and where it should have felt victorious it felt a little too much like failure.

"Is she dropping out or what?" one of the girls asked Lance out in the kitchen. "She gone crazy for real?"

Merlin didn't hear Lance's reply over the clank of dishes.

"Your dicks?" Percival asked, standing in front of the open closet, looking at the selection of old and worn dicks Merlin wasn't using anymore, some who'd been in Arthur's arse and mouth in better times. "Not going to toss those, are you?"

Merlin looked down himself, squeezed his thighs to feel the weight between them and shook his head, never mind the tears now. "Never," he said.

Percival smiled and placed them in a bag one by one, suggestively manhandling them in-between, and Merlin laughed, loud and only broken when he hiccuped sobs into the mix.

Later on the motorway, the landscape dark and night-ly around him, Lance asleep with his head pressed to the window, Percival turned down the music. "So what now?" he asked over his shoulder to Merlin in the backseat.

"Get a job?" Merlin said, squinting at his reflection in the window. "Not sure if I even know how to do anything." He paused, scratching at his jeans and cupping himself. "Transition. If they'll let me. I don't know," he added quietly. He tried to envision himself with no breasts, no need to wear binders, shooting hormones, getting a beard, getting muscles, not being called Ma'am anymore. "Maybe they'll just tell me I'm crazy and not really trans."

"Doubt it." Percival caught Merlin's eyes in the rearview mirror.

Merlin shrugged. If there was anything he had an abundance of it was doubts.

***

"Should we do, like, a proper ceremony?" Lance asked, smirking at Merlin.

Merlin just smacked his hip with the back of his hand but stood well away from the kitchen table, the Deed Poll document and a pen sitting in the middle of it. "No, we just sign." He hesitated another moment then stepped forward and signed on the dotted line, his name declared as Merlin in the little box above.

His hand shook when he held the pen out to Percival who signed as a witness.

"We should have a pint to celebrate," Lance said, pulling Merlin into a hug. "Congrats, proud of you," he whispered into Merlin's ear before pushing him at Percival for a hug as well.

From the corner of his eye Merlin saw his new, proper name in stark detail on the paper.

"Fuck this is..." Merlin started then just shook his head and grinned and fuck if there weren't bubbles of excitement in his chest where usually all the worry and doubt sat.

***

 _got a gp appointment_ , Merlin wrote into chat. The TV was playing something rubbish and Percival and Lance were arguing over the remote.

 _Woot!_

 _congrats man_

 _it'll be well worth it, mate_

The replies made Merlin grin and ease some of the nerves tumbling about in him. Worst anyone could do is tell him he was wrong or whatever and he doubted they would.

 _waiting starts after_ , someone said.

 _no fucking kidding_ , someone else chipped in.

One step at a time though, one baby step at a time.

***

"They know you've never done this kind of thing before," Percival said as he pulled into the lot, glancing across at Merlin's hands that Merlin couldn't stop from jiggling and his knee that kept knocking into the dash. "I'm not gonna lie, it's going to make you feel like you want to kill yourself at the end of the day because everything hurts..."

"Right." Merlin peered past the front window to the small shed, a group of people standing around it, some smoking, others just gossiping or sitting on the low stone wall.

"C'mon, I'll introduce you."

Merlin had little choice but to follow when Percival got out his side of the car, walking to greet one of the men. Merlin trailed behind, feeling all kinds of wrong and awkward, mid-autumn sun too warm still and making sweat run down his back and front inside the binder, squeezing between his breasts. The men and women standing about sized him up then just went about their business again.

Percival hugged the man, clapped him on the shoulder and laughed at a joke before he turned and looked at Merlin, nodding for him to come forward.

"Merlin, Alex," he introduced them.

Alex looked at Merlin head to toe, lingering on chest and biceps, and Merlin felt he'd have done well to take Percival up on the offer of work-out sessions.

"Willing to work hard?"

"Yes, sir," Merlin replied.

"40 cash a day, you can get changed in there. We'll see how you do today."

"Thanks, appreciate it," Merlin said. Percival nudged him to get changed and when Merlin came back out, boots and overalls, Percival was gone and he was left with the first hellos and how you dos in approximately ten different languages and accents.

Alex called for them to get to work, giving out instructions. "It's simple. This turf from here to those blokes there. I need no slackers. If you don't work hard, you won't be back tomorrow."

Merlin nodded and got to work. By the end of the day, sweat and tears had mingled more than once and his body was shaking with exhaustion. He tasted dirt on his tongue that the sandwich and Coke during lunch hadn't managed to wash away. Dmitri had managed shifting approximately double of Merlin's load, but his biceps gleamed with tan and sweat whereas Merlin's glowed white and essentially non-existent.

Merlin looked around him as they went to get changed, pulled his shirt over his binder amidst the men, the momentary indecision which room to choose to change in eradicated when he just got pulled in by Dmitri. A few looked at him curiously but no one said anything, only went about their business laughing and rubbing sore muscles, so Merlin did the same. He changed into his jeans and t-shirt, unable to contain the groan when he had to bend and twist to get into the shirt. One of the blokes clapped him on the shoulder, the others laughed.

Percival was waiting by the car when Merlin got out, declining an offer for a pint with the guys because he was positively dying.

"Tomorrow at 7," Alex said as he pressed four tenners into Merlin's hand. "Be on time." Then he turned to the next guy in line and Merlin stared down at the money and up at Percival by the car.

"Good day?" Percival asked.

Merlin didn't manage more than a groan as he slid into the car seat and was asleep by the time they pulled out of the lot.

***

His emails were a bit of a mess of unanswered and ignored and forgotten email lists he subscribed to and diligently set to _Mark as read_ every time he went into his account for a quick scroll. The internet was more for porn, shooting the shit with the guys on the weekends, Google maps and the edge of uncomfortable guilt when his mother's name popped up in his inbox.

 _Maddie,_

 _I hope this finds you well. I haven't heard from you since September, could you at least drop a line to say you are fine? You know my door's always open to talk._

 _I love you. I miss you. You are my baby, Madd._

 _Kisses and hugs,  
Mum_

Merlin had to be up in five hours and the email had been on his screen the last two while a cheap horror flick was on his telly on repeat. He's written and erased half a dozen emails, the same amount of times he'd punched the number into his phone.

 _Mum,_

 _I'm fine. I'm happy. I have a job and it's fine._

 _Sorry I'm not what you wanted._

 _M_

He sent it, staring at it floating away and everything he hadn't said dangled untethered inside him. He shut the laptop and fell back on his bed, the mute television flickering shadows across the ceiling.


	4. Elyan

"I think they're giving me a return, not sure. The letter looked different to the one the last two years." Merlin pushed a forkful of spagbol into his mouth, trying to remember the legal slang on the tax letter and if minus meant it was good or bad for him. "Wouldn't mind it, obviously."

Football was on the television in the living room because Percival tried to pretend he was into it for some mates and at least had to know the scores to not blow his cover entirely prematurely.

"They should get their kit off again," Lance commented to Merlin with a nod towards frowny-with-concentration Percival who just gave a laugh under his breath.

"I wouldn't have to _pretend_ interest if they did," Percival gave back when he focused on the food again. "When were you out this morning? I usually see you walking to the bus."

"Took the train out before 6, started at just after 7. The schedule's too bloody tight." Merlin shrugged. "Forgot how much getting up early sucks all joy out of life." The season had just started and his body ached in all the wrong places like it had forgot how to handle full-on physical activity over the winter.

Lance threw one of the bread rolls at Merlin's plate, spraying tomato sauce in a wide circle. "Don't drown in your self-pity, buzzkill."

Merlin grinned as he bit a chunk off the bread roll and chewed.

"No chance getting you to come out tonight then?" Percival asked when they cleaned up, wiping the tomato sauce off the table.

Merlin glanced at his jeans and shirt, rubbed a hand over his jaw, the bit of tufts of hair that even after more than a year refused to grow into something proper. "I'll take my bed over a drunk lay." Percival and Lance exchanged a glance along the counter, the type that Merlin had seen a few times, as if he was missing out on something special. "It's okay not to fuck," Merlin added, eyebrows raised at Percival kicked-puppy-concern look.

"It's okay to want to fuck, too," Percival replied as he stacked the plates in the sink.

"Only so many times you can take _So you are a girl then?_ from the bloke you want to have it off with before you'd rather not." Merlin rubbed a hand down his chest, glanced up to catch the pity in Percival's eyes. "Do me a favour and don't. It is what it is, ask my shrink. You have to accept the reality that you'll never be a biological man." Merlin laughed, shrugged, shoulders and ribs aching from work and the binder, a hundred reminders every day, frustration boiling inside him. "So fuck that, yeah? Again. Fuck that every time we talk about this."

Percival clattered the cutlery into the sink, arms crossed in front of his chest as he glanced back at Merlin.

"Hey, we're not your enemies, Merls," Lance said into the silence after.

"Right. Right, sorry." Merlin ran a hand through his hair, deflation following on the heels of rage. "It's just shit sometimes." Gay pubs weren't the best for semi-gay-only pick ups without disappointment and Craigslist had been a series of disasters until he'd called that one quits.

Merlin grabbed a beer from the counter and squeezed in next to Percival on the couch to watch the football while Lance was prettying himself for the night.

"Are you supposed to root for the blue ones or the red ones?" Merlin asked after a moment.

"Fucked if I know," Percival replied, then laughed.

***

Dew was still caught in the grass, the first of the orange sun teasing at it far too late in the morning. Merlin shrugged deeper into his jacket as he pulled on the gloves.

"Bum one?" Dmitri asked, offering the pack of cigarettes but Merlin pushed them away with a shake of his head, trying to catch a few more minutes of quiet shut-eye while standing up.

They mumbled a greeting to Geoffrey, Alex and the other team leaders in tow, and stood around the plans and mark-ups for the day, the green shading of fucking down and the red for work still to do. The fourth week of extended outdoor work of the year and Merlin was still wishing he was back in his bed, hitting the snooze button just a few more times.

"We're looking to hire some lads who worked up in Leeds indoors, so you'll have a few more hands amongst you starting early next week," Alex said, flicking the ash from his cigarette. He took another drag and dropped the filter. "We're over there today, same as yesterday. I'll leave you lads to divvy this up between you but don't be giving me complaints after."

Dmitri nodded at Merlin and they both wandered over to one of the far areas, equipment and three of the young lads in tow.

"Still too cold for this," Merlin said, yawning into the frigid air.

"You'll be moaning about the heat soon enough," Dmitri gave back and tossed Merlin a spade. Their secret language was mostly grunts and odd laughs and wink wink nudges nudges with eyes and frustrated 'effing wanker' comments thrown in. Through all the usual comings and goings at this place they'd stuck it out together.

"Make sure it's straight," Merlin bit out when one of the guys went crazy with the rope, ignoring the meter sitting next to him. "We're not doing abstract art."

The guy shrugged, glanced Merlin up and down, and Merlin glared back at him until the guy grabbed the tape and went about his job a little more calmly. They set to work, their breath coming hard soon and not much more exchanged than the odd laugh and comment about the radio program doodling from an old battery radio in the middle of the path.

Merlin resisted stripping off his jacket to sit in his t-shirt, sweating up a storm, as he sat on the small stone wall for a breather.

"Have you thought about it?" Geoffrey asked when he stopped by.

Merlin gulped down water, buying time, because as much thinking as he'd done about it, he was still no closer to having an answer. "Not sure I'd manage. It's maths and whatnot," he said and squinted up at Geoffrey.

"Don't want this one at uni, he'd only be faffing about," Dmitri called from across the path, dirt smudges on his face and teeth too bright in his face. Merlin scowled at him, making to throw _something_ when Dmitri turned back to digging up old ground.

"You'd manage fine," Geoffrey said, hand squeezing at Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin didn't have the heart or necessary masochism to remind Geoffrey of his first go-round with Uni again, he didn't have the stomach to think much about it either; nor the patience, when he was crossing off dates for something much more important. He levelled off the stone wall and took his aching muscles back to work. The winter had turned him into a sack of useless testosterone-saggy mass.

***

 _hi, still looking for someone to get off with? wanna meet u_ sat amidst a bunch of other emails. Merlin clicked away from it and then back to the craigslist response.

The cake he'd made sat a little forlorn on the bed next to him. Ms Mullen, his landlady, was rummaging in the kitchen. Any moment she'd knock on the door and invite him out for roast or sausages or whatever she was making.

 _yeah,_ Merlin typed, then hesitated, erased it. _If you're clean_.

More than that _if you're not a creeper_ and _if you're not out looking to shank trannies_ was implied somewhere and sat with all the other nerves in the pit of his stomach as he hit send.

Merlin logged into the chat instead, brought up the window.

 _how do I know a hook-up's not going to want to kill me?_ he asked the room at large.

 _???_ was followed by _wtf ur crazy_ and _dude, be careful_.

 _He's some bloke off craigslist,_ Merlin wrote as an explanation, but the question marks and _wow, mate_ s stacked up a bit.

 _Never had a shit experience myself,_ one of the guys messaged him in private. _Depends on the bloke though._

Merlin considered typing to meet in public first, but fucked if he wanted to look like a puss. He deleted the message, didn't reply, but the craving for something other than his hand didn't exactly go away.

***

"Shh, he's looking," Dmitri hissed.

"Shhh," Merlin gave back, exaggerated echo, but he glanced over his shoulder despite himself. Sweat trickled down his back inside his binder. One of the blokes from Leeds quickly looked away, then looked back, eyes flickering and he didn't look away this time.

Merlin had got well used to staring but every time still threw him. He threw the guy a glance of 'yeah, what then?' and the bloke stared at him some more then turned back to his work.

"You'll lose that lead on Saturday," one of the blokes called during the break when they're all busy gulping down water and rolling their shoulders to avoid cramps.

Merlin leaned against one of the low walls outside the circle, sipping from his bottle and laughing the group did as two of them shot shit back and forth about football teams. On the other side of the circle, the bloke from earlier was hanging back much like Merlin had, only chatting excitedly to one of the other Leeds guys, gesturing something.

This time around he caught Merlin giving him the once over, head to biceps and abs and thighs. He nodded at Merlin. Dmitri kicked Merlin's ankle, questioning eyebrow, but Merlin nodded back at the guy.

 _How's flirting work?_ he texted Lance and got, _it doesn't, jk_ back, followed by _you're not old enough for such thoughts, kid_. The bloke glanced across again when Merlin couldn't help the laugh.

***

Teeth eternally clenched, Merlin slipped down his jeans and boxers, his cock, and stepped out of his trainers. He piled everything on the chair, floor cold under his socked feet. His shirt came down mid-thigh, covering him somewhat. His doc moved around behind the curtain and Merlin stepped forward, cleared his throat.

"Ah, yes. Just get on up."

He didn't look at Merlin as Merlin stepped between the stirrups and sat on the chair, leaning too far back, far too exposed. A nurse came into the room, smiled at Merlin. The room was freezing. That or his chattering teeth were only nerves, in which case, he was telling himself to cut it the fuck out.

"Place your feet up here, please."

Merlin grit his teeth and placed his feet up, then stared at the ceiling, willing himself not to cry at the roll of the chair across the tiles, the explanations he barely heard over waiting for it to be over. He tapped a rhythm in his head when fingers touched him, prodded at him, focused on his breathing and on not bolting.

The doctor pressed at Merlin's lower stomach, feeling about, then pulled his chair in closer. "I'll start with my fingers, there's no need to be nervous, then the speculum, the swap and you'll be all done."

Merlin gave a brief nod, waited for him to just get on with it so he could stop shaking. He gritted his teeth.

"This is just my finger," the doctor said and slowly pushed it into Merlin.

Merlin pressed his lips tight and began to count from one upwards, ignoring what went on between his legs.

"The speculum next, it might be a little cold."

Merlin closed his eyes, still counting, and swallowed the sound of protest when the doctor ratcheted the speculum open.

"I'll take the swap now... and done," he said, and slowly pulled the thing out of Merlin's body and set it away.

Merlin was off the chair before the doctor had even given the all-clear. He heard something about calling about the results in a few, and nodded along, then disappeared back behind the curtain. Routine checkups still made him want to lose his breakfast down the toilet. He gave his dick a slow stroke, just squeezing his fingers around it to make sure everything sat in place and was there and right again.

He'd call for the results or conveniently forget and figure they'd call him if something was about to kill him. He spent the night under his blanket, watching crap TV and getting drunk on crap beer until spreading his legs for someone became something faint and far away.

***

Merlin resisted the urge to cut a few of the guys from the pages of Attitude and tape the walls of his room with it. Ms Mullen would have words if she saw it and technically speaking he should have been past the infatuation phase for near-faceless bodies. He pushed up on his elbow and studied every curl of the muscles, the dicks in the guys' briefs, the dip of hip to stomach, abs to pecs, the line of the shoulders to neck. Then he turned the page and did the same with the next bloke.

He looked at himself in the mirror, then back at the pictures, traced his fingers down the line of his stomach and where abs were trying to make a serious appearance. When he closd his eyes he looked just like the blokes in the photos, and he'd drop to his knees for every single one of them, begging to let him suck them and that he'd make it good.

***

Merlin was a good twenty minutes early, one of the quiet mornings where Alex would beat Geoffrey by a mere minute and swear them all to secrecy. Two of the other blokes were in deep conversation about the weekend's football results, smoking as they discussed Chelsea's chances for the title and how Leeds United could fuck up their shit if everything came together just right. Merlin stood next to them for a while, sipping coffee from his paper cup and trying to shove noises into the football conversation even if he couldn't care less who played whom. Eventually he took out his mobile and thought about texting something naff to Percival just to annoy him at god-awful early in the morning.

"Elyan," someone said and Merlin looked up. The bloke from Leeds who had Dmitri's hackles raised and who Merlin hadn't exchanged more than the fucking weird looks with held out his hand.

"Merlin," Merlin replied and shook the proffered hand before ducking deeper into his sweater. He slid his phone into his pocket and cleared his throat. No telling how much Elyan knew or didn't know, if anyone had told him anything the way the guys were gossiping about shit. "You came in from Leeds, didn't you?" Merlin said eventually, clearing his throat when his voice cracked an octave deeper halfway through the sentence.

"Yeah!" Elyan grinned, a bit too chipper for Merlin's taste this time of the day, but he tried to contain the instinctive scowl and instead sipped more of the coffee. "Was about time I saw more than the North."

"Made it all the way to Birmingham," Merlin replied, snorting and joined in Elyan's chuckle when the guy seemingly ignored Merlin's sharpness.

"It's only the beginning." Elyan scuffed his shoes at the dirt. "I've got plans."

"Going to see all of the world, starting with this, hm?" Merlin asked as Alex pulled into the lot and a few others struggled in, bleary-eyed but high-spirited.

"Nothing wrong with that," Elyan replied, smiling broadly at Merlin before he wandered off with another nod to him and greeted a few of the others with claps to shoulders and back.

"What's his deal?" Dmitri asked as he joined Merlin for the first meeting of the morning.

"No idea." Merlin was still staring at him when Alex whistled for attention, then snapped out of it.

***

The plans were smudged with various ink and markers, a few splots of water where they'd all gesticulated above them.

"It's not a bad idea," Merlin said after a moment of silence from all of them as they studied the lines, "but it could be better? You know what I mean, you have the slope of that bed and of that one and instead of trying to combine it into one, I'd think it'd make more sense to have a clear separation, bit of water, leading to a bit of a pond at the base here. Just go with what this gives you. It doesn't give you a uniform surface, that's for sure. We'd spend hours evening shit out with soil." Merlin sat back on his arse, a bit of wet mud soaking into the seat of his trousers while the others took over debating the pros and cons of his idea.

The sun had been out for most of the day, warming the mud they'd trudged around in, and it squelched up between Merlin's fingers now as he leaned back and turned his face to the sun.

Alex clapped his hands after another ten minutes of discussion. "Get on it, lads, we have until noon to move the soil and then plant."

Merlin rolled his eyes but stood, brushing his dirty hands on his trousers. "It's a shit plan," he muttered, heard Dmitri snort under his breath as they walked towards the wheel barrows.

"Budget and time," Geoffrey said from behind Merlin, "not to mention materials. If there were no limitations your idea would be perfectly feasible."

Dmitri was chuckling as he went ahead while Merlin stopped, shrugged, squinted at Geoffrey. "It's going to look like arse this way."

"Necessary compromise." Geoffrey smiled at Merlin, clapped him on the shoulder. "I know you'd just as soon want me to stop nagging you for it, but there are a number of universities that-"

"I have my Level 4 in a few weeks, planning to go Level 5 and then maybe 6 at some point?" Merlin looked out at the guys shoving each other for the last wheel barrow before they got to work. He glanced at Geoffrey. "I'm good with that."

"You'd be good at something more academic as well, get a degree under your belt and come back to this and put your ideas into plans."

Merlin shrugged, thought of the calendar in his drawers, the one marking off the days until the surgery. "I've got other priorities right now, Geoff," he said and gave him another nod before he joined the boys with a spade and set to work, the ache in his arms soon erasing any other thoughts.

***

"No, what I said was that I wouldn't plant them like _that_ because that was just rubbish," Merlin corrected Johnny over the calls and laughter of the rest of them. The day had been a wash of him growling at Alex that he could stuff his tulips down his pants if he thought there was anything aesthetically pleasing about it and a long talk with Geoffrey that had been more Merlin listening and promising to keep his temper in check.

They'd filed into the closest pub, Merlin springing for the first round, and now they were on the third pint, some of them gone for home and families and only a tight group still standing ground.

Merlin grinned at Dmitri and at Johnny across the table as he drained the last of his beer and leaned back against the wall, watching them debate something or other pointless, watching muscles move under their shirts, too, as they gestured, biceps and shoulders bulging and relaxing.

Elyan disentangled from one of the groups when the lads left the pub and sidled up next to Merlin, toasting Merlin's half-empty glass.

"Still in Birmingham?" Merlin asked when Elyan seemed content to just stand there and people-watch with him.

"Seems so." Elyan chuckled and sipped from his beer. "Don't hold it against me."

"I wouldn't." Merlin brought his glass to his lips and made as if to drink, only then realizing that his glass was empty. He flushed, even more so when Elyan laughed next to him. Merlin elbowed him in the side. "Where have you been then in your great journey to everywhere?"

"Birmingham."

Merlin waited for more then laughed. Johnny threw him a questioning look but he waved him off, stared down at his trainers instead, past his crotch bulging nicely. "You're well bonkers, mate," Merlin said, shooting Elyan a sideways glance.

Elyan's laugh quieted to chuckles, he shrugged. "Shooting shit for the most part but it'd be boring without some outrageous goals, wouldn't it?" He grinned again. "Who knows, I might have it all planned out in here."

Merlin's phone vibrated. _Curry at ours?_ Lance's text read.

"Heading out?" Elyan asked, swirling the last of his pint in the glass.

"Friends," Merlin replied. "I'll see you Monday, yeah?"

"Can I buy you a pint next week then?" Elyan asked when Merlin had already turned for the door. "No strings or anything?"

Merlin spluttered something affirmative and fled the pub, ducking into his hoodie to shelter from the drizzle outside. He spent the bus ride to Percival and Lance's trying to figure out how that whole strings business even worked. Potentially.

"Drowned rat impression," Percival commented when he opened the door to Merlin's soggy self. Merlin flipped him off and pushed past him, peeled out of his hoodie.

"He's going to have bigger arms than you soon," Lance commented from the kitchen. Merlin glanced down at his t-shirt and rolled his eyes.

"Hypothetically," Merlin said as he walked through to the kitchen and hugged Lance, pulling away when Lance squeezed at his biceps to sit in front of the plastic curry containers. "Hypothetically speaking, how does dating work?" He stole one of the bits of chicken from the curry sauce and popped it into his mouth.

"Seriously?" Percival sat opposite Merlin at the table, giving him the eye then exchanging a glance with Lance when Merlin shrugged. "You have a few pints, see a film, make out then fuck then love, the end."

"Or minus the love," Lance interjected. "You meet, you fuck, you have a good time."

Percival looked like he wanted to ask who and why and Lance had a smug grin on his face, but Merlin only nodded, then picked up the fork and dug into his curry, not offering any explanations. With Freya it had just seemed right to start making out, with Arthur it had moved there without any great theatrical orchestration. Surely life wasn't a Hollywood movie. Dating sounded like entirely too abstract a concept, the curry was good though.

***

Early summer should have been skewed a little warmer but even so sweat coated every last bit of Merlin's skin, the binder under his shirt not helping any. The rest of the lads were working topless, a few of his guys horsing around with a water hose until he yelled at them to cut it the fuck out and buckle the fuck down. The opening of the park was at 10 the next morning and if they didn't want to work under floodlights through the night they better got the last of this arranged.

Working five in a row they all buckled down, having not exchanged much more than a few shouts for one of the tools and grunts for thanks. Merlin's body was straining for a break and some water, but it was exhilarating to get into the headspace where the rest of the world blurred away. When the water of the hose splashed square across Merlin's thighs he dropped the spade in one moment and had the guy by the front of his shirt the next. He was 17 maybe, making a bit of quick money.

"Do the fucking work or you'll be out of here by tomorrow," Merlin hissed at him and pushed him away. The kid glared at him, looking as if he'd give lip but then he turned and grabbed some of the plants to put into the dug holes. "And don't fuck around," Merlin added for another warning as he went for his spade again.

The field was stretching out behind them, only another 20 metres to the other side of it, and one by one the others joined them here as they finished up their projects.

"We might make it to the pub still!" Alex shouted from the end of the row, creating a response of groans and fucks you's and a bit of laughter but they all put their heads down and pushed forward metre by metre, measuring the last design as carefully as the first even as their hands worked quicker.

"It's blue! Blue! How fucking useless are you?" Dmitri shouted as he grabbed some flowers from one of the younger guys, then sent him off for some more soil, still gesticulating after him.

"Blue's just another shade of red though, isn't it?" Alex yelled across, reminding them of Dmitri's field of yellow and white carnations that had ended up decidedly more blood red just a few weeks earlier.

Dmitri flipped him off under the laughter of everyone then cuffed the kid over the head with an apology when he came back and they went back to work.

"Keep it clean!" Alex shouted across as they stuffed the last of the arrangement into the right places and tidied around it. Merlin was one of the last to step off the flowerbed and turn to look across the array of neat paths and intricate designs. Sweat was running off him, literally dripping from his fingertips but this was what he was doing this for: the moment where they finished with something like this and everything hurt but he could walk away and have done this.

A breeze fluttered across them and the collective groan made them all crack up laughing as they went to clean up then headed to the pub.

"Let me buy you one more?" Elyan asked when the last of the lads had filtered out of the pub, leaving Merlin and Elyan in their corner. Merlin was comfortably sloshed and exhausted, leaning against the diddle machine. He nodded, watched Elyan move across the room, sweat stains still on the shirt because none of them had got changed before filing for the afternoon pint, muscles shifting underneath the fabric.

Elyan was all smiles and teeth when he came back with the beer, watching Merlin watching him, and the pang of self-consciousness made way for a bit more interest and nerves.

"Cheers," Merlin said when he took the pint and drank from it, keeping his eyes on Elyan. He opened his mouth to come out with some truths, the awkward moment of disclosure he'd pushed back the last few weeks, enjoying it for what it was, but Elyan stood close and smelled nice, and if this went anywhere at all talking bits was unavoidable.

"My sister sent me a postcard from Ibiza," Elyan said, moving easily across the pause in conversation between them. "Said she was lying on the beach, enjoying the sun and seeing some of the world. Silly bint." He chuckled and shook his head, looking at nothing in particular before he glanced back at Merlin. "Siblings for you? Family?"

Merlin cleared his throat. "Just me and my mum but we haven't talked in a few months." He shrugged, tried not to think of the emails he'd deleted unseen since he'd sent her one. "I've got friends. As good as, aren't they?" He drank down more of the beer, forced himself to stay in that happy place of not quite drunk and malleable.

"That they are," Elyan echoed and toasted with his pint.

Merlin watched his fingers on the glass, the tendons and muscles shifting under the skin. Elyan wasn't one of the shirts-off lads at work. Between him and Merlin they kept the decent side of things well covered and caught the teasing for it as well.

Elyan caught him staring, snorted a little and raised his eyebrows at Merlin while Merlin felt himself flush. Dating was decidedly even more awkward when he wasn't even sure if hanging back for a last shared pint even was dating. Merlin drained his pint to cover that moment of naffness. _You into blokes?_ should come really easy and _My body's female, just thought you should know_ was the decent thing to say to anyone who even appeared interested.

"I'm only buying you the one, you better savour it," Elyan said with a laugh at Merlin's hasty drinking. His foot slid across the floor and pressed to Merlin's. Merlin's leg jerked but he kept his foot where it was, strangely mesmerized by the heat bleeding from Elyan's work trousers through to his.

"I owe you one next week," Merlin said.

"Make it a Saturday night one in one of the classy pubs in the city?" Elyan asked after a moment, glancing sideways at Merlin.

Merlin nodded, feeling too dumb to ask if it was a date because Elyan was smiling and he was still mellow enough about it all.

***

"So you haven't told him?" Percival said through the closed door before he flushed. Percival pushed the door open again and stood in front of the sink, squinting at himself then took a razor and began to shave.

"No," Merlin replied, leaning against the doorframe. "It's never one of these things you just drop on anyone. Fuck he'll probably turn tail."

Percival scraped a careful line up his jaw, rinsed the razor in the water as he caught Merlin's gaze in the mirror. "He seemed interested from all you said."

"Because he doesn't know he's going for cunt and tits."

"Don't be an arse." Percival scowled at him and continued scraping stubble.

"It's true though." Merlin kicked his toes against the opposite doorframe. He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and moved just far enough out of the way, all the little ways he didn't fit just standing out too starkly against Percival's tight body, the broad shoulders and tapered waist, the t-shirt clinging to him that showed off everything looking just right.

As many times as people had told him to accept trans as the reality, the envy had never been replaced by anything else. Merlin leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling, half in the bathroom and half outside of it.

"From all you've said he seems like a good guy."

"I hardly even know him," Merlin interrupted right away. "He's probably straight and missed the memo."

"Someone throwing a pity party?" Lance called from the kitchen.

"You know mine are the best!" Merlin called back, then laughed.

Percival cleaned off then came to stand in front of Merlin. "He's interested. Give him a chance, hm?" He punched against Merlin's shoulder, ignored Merlin's eyeroll and then did a pirouette-and-jump routine down the corridor, all exaggerated gestures and expression, shouting, "Dar-ling!" in too high simper before he disappeared through the kitchen doorway and it was both him and Lance laughing.

Hard to pretend that Merlin didn't want that kind of thing for himself as well.

***

Merlin had on the one pair of good jeans, the ones that weren't frayed at the hems and a shirt fresh from the laundry that he dragged over his hips just so that it hid the curves. Elyan was sitting by the bar when Merlin came in, waved him over.

"Looking good," Elyan said.

Merlin flushed and took in Elyan in jeans and dark-ish button down, unbuttoned around his wrists. "And you," Merlin replied. He slid on the bar stool next to Elyan, the room noisy with conversation, laughter and the clinking of glasses. "Were you waiting for me?"

Elyan grinned, leaned back against the bar legs splaying. "You owe me a round," he said, leaning closer to Merlin. "Had to wait to cash that in."

"Right." Merlin felt Elyan's eyes on him when he gestured for the bartender and got them a pint each, Elyan's knee knocking against his own, then staying pressed there. "Place should have a pool table," Merlin added after a look around at people eating their somewhat posh food, having quiet conversations. "Think they're here on a date?" he pointed at a couple at one of the tables, him easily double the age she was.

"Sugar daddy," Elyan muttered, close to Merlin's ear.

"I'd fancy that," Merlin gave back. "See how she's fluttering her eyes at him. Someone's getting head tonight."

"Fancy the bird?" Elyan grabbed some peanuts from the bowl and stuffed them into his mouth.

Merlin glanced back at him and lifted his beer to his lips for a sip then gave a short shake of his head.

"Can't say I do either," Elyan added a few moments later and shrugged. Merlin kept his gaze for a few moments, eyebrows lifting as he tried to figure out if this was the opening here, the 'we should head to the loos and have it off and before we do, by the way,...' and Elyan's lips twitched a bit. "Figured you were gay."

Merlin laughed. "Didn't say I didn't fancy birds at all. Might have it off with one of them."

"Yeah?" Elyan shrugged. "Was what I used to tell my Dad but I think seeing my hand on his mate's son's dick as we had it off behind the pub ruined that one."

"Fancy," Merlin said. "That your plan for tonight?"

Elyan laughed, a bit too loud and a few faces turned. His gaze went for the peanuts as if he wanted to toss some at Merlin but he quieted again. "Wouldn't mind it," he said, off-hand, then grinned. "Depends on how much of a tosser you turn out to be."

Merlin chuckled and ignored the unease in his stomach at the thought of Elyan seeing past the T-induced changes down to the tits and the cunt and the girl stuff that was easy enough to hide under clothes and impossible to hide when naked. Always the possibility the lads had talked too.

"Likewise," Merlin gave back. "You're probably well shit at all the good things."

"Hm?"

"Pool, darts," Merlin counted off on his fingers.

"You'd be mistaken. Too bad I can't show off my talents here. Should take you up to Leeds sometime, show you how it's done."

"Wanker. They got pool down here." Merlin shook his head, smiling, then turned on his stool to lean his elbows on the bar as he glanced back at Elyan. "You go up to Leeds much still?"

"When my sister won't stop texting me or sending me emails because it's her birthday. Not so much for the old man." Elyan mirrored Merlin's pose on the bar, swirling the bit of beer left in his glass around. "He's one of the old boys up there, all family and tradition and doing the right thing, find a wife, have kids, settle on one of the estates where he brought us up." Elyan downed the last of his beer. "Depressing as all get out, isn't it? Right depressing it is. You've got your mum about here somewhere, don't you?"

"We haven't talked in a while," Merlin replied, nagging guilt quieted with a peanut or two. "Had a bit of a falling out. Things. Life." He paused, then grinned at Elyan as he leaned in just to avoid drawing attention to them. "Feel like that handjob yet?"

"The thing with your mum, that's what convinced me." Elyan glanced around the room again and Merlin followed his gaze. "Feel like pool though?"

"You'll get your arse handed to you," Merlin said and counted out the notes to cover their beer before they made their out of the door.

The sky above Birmingham was drizzling down rain and they both huddled into their jackets, knocking shoulders whenever Merlin tried to sidestep a puddle of water. They stumbled into a pub nearby and cornered one of the pool tables amidst more pints and too loud laughter. Merlin had a good first run, most excellent in fact, until he botched one of the straighter shots and handed over. He took his cue and his beer to one of the chairs nearby and watched Elyan. The shirt pulled tight over his back, rode up for a bit of skin just above his arse, when he lined up to take the next shot.

"You'll fuck it up," Merlin called over his beer.

Elyan flipped him off and sank the ball neatly, then sauntered over. "Proved you wrong."

"Haven't yet." Merlin slid down a little on the chair, legs splaying around Elyan standing between them.

Elyan lifted an eyebrow at him and laughed as he walked back to the table and began to sink them one by one. Merlin sat up and watched, elbows on his knees, rolling his eyes every time Elyan looked over to wink at him. When he was done he laid the cue on the table and walked back across to Merlin, crouching between his splayed legs.

"Impressed?" Elyan asked, fingers on the floor for balance.

"Yeah," Merlin replied, and between the arousal at being looked at like he was wanted and everything he hadn't said yet, he added, "Handjob?" with enough of a grin that they could laugh it off for drunken stupidity- or not.

"You got a place?" Elyan asked, voice still that side of a joke.

Merlin nodded and downed the last of his beer. "Not that far from here." His voice sounded a bit too rough and unused, nerves now and the sheer thrill of Elyan beside him until Elyan's hand on his thigh brought all the other shit crashing down again. "Before- fuck- I-"

Elyan was watching a few blokes off to the side get into a proper argument until Merlin grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled a bit, got him to pay attention again.

"There's shit with me that's fucked that..."

Elyan's gaze flickered up Merlin's body. "I know."

Merlin bit back the bitter laughter. He was kidding himself then if-

"The lads talk, you know they talk shit and whatever. Takes a bit more to get me to fuck off."

The fight at the bar erupted into a series of loud shouts and some pushing as Merlin pulled his jacket tighter around himself, as if that could protect him from Elyan knowing his tits were underneath there.

"You get off on it, me being fucked up?"

"Piss off," Elyan replied.

Merlin snorted but shrugged, stayed where he was with Elyan crouched between his thighs, trying to figure out what the fuck Elyan was even seeing.

"You going to make it a thing?" Elyan asked. "'Cause I'd love a handjob tonight."

"Wanker," Merlin replied, then shoved at Elyan's shoulder and splayed him backwards. Elyan had his hand still on Merlin's thigh and pulled him with him off the chair until Merlin caught himself on the table, Elyan underneath him.

"That a yes though?"

Merlin rolled his eyes and grabbed his jacket, shoving at Elyan because he could, but Elyan nudged him when Merlin couldn't quite keep that smile off his face.

"Your's close enough we won't get completely drenched?" Elyan stepped out into the rain and waited for Merlin to follow. They stumbled, the jogged, through the streets, jostling into one another when Merlin took a turn unannounced.

"I'm only renting the room, so, just keep it quiet, yeah?" Merlin said when he unlocked the front door.

Elyan was pressed to his back, and it felt fantastic when Elyan pressed his lips to the line of Merlin's jaw, laughed when Merlin pushed him away with a chuckle to get them inside somewhat dry.

"Shh- don't-" Merlin got out between his fingers hooking into the waistband of Elyan's jeans and his lips brushing along Elyan's neck. Elyan's hands were on Merlin's arse, slipping around his cheeks and Merlin disentangled himself briefly to get them into his room and close the door.

"Now about that handjob," Elyan began, laugh in his breath as he draw Merlin in close.

Merlin caught himself on the door behind Elyan, elbow knocking against the wood when he got dragged flush against Elyan's body. Merlin's shirt was damp, rubbing against his skin when he pushed closer and pushed his fingers behind Elyan's head to kiss him just so. He pressed his crotch against Elyan's hip, rolling against him.

Elyan slipped his hand into the back Merlin's jeans. "That your definition of handjob?"

Merlin chuckled against Elyan's lips and pushed his tongue between them, playing it against Elyan's there. Elyan's body was hot and firm and there underneath him. One hand cradling Elyan's neck, Merlin allowed his free hand to map Elyan's shoulder, that line of muscle up to his neck, the broadness of his chest down to pecs and abs.

"This where I come up with some shit dialogue?" Merlin asked as he hooked his thumb around the belt, fingers splaying down over Elyan's crotch.

"I'm good," Elyan replied and pulled Merlin closer against him, and Merlin was the first to moan like some embarrassing first timer before he buried his face in the crook of Elyan's neck. "Shhh- your landlady-" Elyan whispered into his ear, laughing his rocks off, the bastard, until Merlin clamped his hand over his mouth, trying to shush him from making this a shitload more embarrassing.

Elyan kissed the inside of Merlin's palm, sucked on it a bit, then moved his face away, kissing the corner of Merlin's lips instead. Merlin closed his fingers around the length of Elyan's cock in the same moment, slowly dragging his thumb to the tip, and Elyan gasped against Merlin's cheek, that quick inhalation, then his hips pressed into Merlin's hand.

Merlin watched how Elyan shut his eyes but still grinned, flicked them open to watch Merlin and then shut them again.

"Fuck, you're hot," Merlin said and kissed him as he struggled to undo Elyan's belt and then pushed his hand into Elyan's jeans, using his other hand to pop the buttons. Merlin stroked him through his briefs, circling his cock as much as he could as he rubbed at it.

Elyan squeezed his fingers on Merlin's arse and pulled him closer, trapping Merlin's hand between them.

"Bastard." Merlin chuckled against the side of Elyan's face, smooshed his nose up against Elyan's ear as he pulled his hand up just enough to find his way into Elyan's underwear. He slid his fingers over hot skin, scrabbling until he had hold of Elyan's cock, damp at the tip.

Merlin clenched his legs and pushed his crotch against Elyan's hip, wanting to rub himself off on Elyan but then happy to watch him getting off as Merlin pulled his foreskin back and let it roll to cover him again, his palm getting slick with every pass.

Elyan pushed his hips into the motion, every thrust forward making him slide through Merlin's grip and into that tight space between their bodies. Every move back made his heel or elbow or arse connect with the door and set it rattling in the frame until Merlin pushed him all the way back, held him still, as he jerked him with his clothes still on and his fingers bruising Merlin's arse.

Merlin watched the arousal on Elyan's face, in the sweat popping on his neck and the slight V of his shirt, running down the side of his face. "So fucking hot," Merlin said, the words loud amidst their ragged breathing and Elyan's quiet moans.

Elyan groped for Merlin's bicep with his free hand and held on, fingertips digging into the muscle as Merlin moved his hand on Elyan's dick. Every pull sounded wetly between them until Elyan tensed, back arched away from the door.

"Yeah," Merlin said. "Fuck," and a few more twists of his wrist and Elyan came. His come squished over and around Merlin's fingers, sliding between his palm and Elyan's cock with every further jerk of his crotch against Merlin's hand.

Merlin stroked him from base to tip again, the slowest slide until Elyan's hand closed around Merlin's wrist, stopping him. Elyan's eyes were open again, lips parted, and he leaned in and kissed Merlin, fingers curled into the front of Merlin's shirt.

"Nice," Elyan said when he pulled away and glanced down himself. Merlin pulled his hand out and wriggled his fingers at Elyan. "Tosser," he added, then laughed when Merlin walked across to the sink.

Merlin's glanced at himself in the mirror above the sink as he washed the come off, met Elyan's eyes in it. "Are you staying?"

"Up to you." Elyan shrugged. "Wouldn't mind it, really."

The running water broke the silence with a few splashes.

"I've never been with," Elyan started, then hesitated. "With someone who is like you."

Merlin snorted and turned off the water, glanced back at Elyan as he dried his hands on his jeans. "Me neither," Merlin said. He brought his hands to the bottom of his shirt, then hesitated because he knew Elyan well enough for a quick beer and a quicker handjob, but getting naked was in a different book entirely.

"I'm just saying, you'll have to show me what you're into." Elyan walked across to Merlin, laid his fingers over Merlin's hands.

"Sex," Merlin replied. "Cocks."

"Nice." Elyan rolled his eyes and pushed at Merlin's shoulder. "I'm into-"

"If you say cocks I have to disappoint, mate." The words didn't quite feel as light in Merlin's head as they sounded out of his mouth.

"Cocks," Elyan said, sounding it out.

Merlin couldn't exactly suppress that grin. "Idiot," he said, but shook Elyan's hands off as he turned around to pull off his shirt, then his binder. "They're- I guess they're there for now." He turned back around staring right at Elyan, daring him to say something.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"They're tits."

"No shit, Sherlock," Merlin replied. "Throwing up yet?"

"I'm gay not an arsehole, man," Elyan replied. He took a few steps back and sat on Merlin's bed, took off his own shirt and pushed down his spunked briefs and jeans.

"Still wanna do me?" Merlin had his fingers on the waistband of his jeans and pushed those down, but left his briefs, left his cock as well.

"You've been holding out," Elyan said as he shifted further up on the bed, glancing pointedly at Merlin's crotch. He nodded for Merlin to come closer, and the bed looked quite inviting right then with the room just chilly enough that Merlin didn't fancy standing about half naked.

Elyan looked gorgeous against the sheets, broad shoulders down to a slim waist, hips and v-lines, cock curled against his thigh, still a little chubbed up.

"They're hardly there, you know," Elyan said, his fingers playing over the chest hair Merlin had managed to grow, the stubble on his jaw line, the definition of his arms. "You look fine to me." He drew Merlin down onto the bed with him, hand going for Merlin's crotch the way Merlin's hand had done, rubbing along Merlin's cock.

"Fuck," Merlin said, eyes closing as he pushed his hips into the touch he knew was there even if he didn't feel it, just at the reverence on Elyan's face and then, when his eyes were closed, the puffing breath across his collarbone and the way every jerk pulled on his underwear, making him feel exactly what was going on.

Elyan toppled them and kissed Merlin, shifting half on top of him as they arranged elbows and knees to make it comfortable. Merlin leaned up best as he could to kiss Elyan back, chuckling when Elyan pushed him back down and straddled Merlin's hips. Merlin drew his palms from Elyan's shoulders all the way to his arse, just feeling the broad expanse of muscle and man and curbing any of the stupid jealousies.

"You fuck?" Elyan asked, face buried under Merlin's chin, sucking a bite there as Merlin bared his throat and let him.

"Anal."

"Doing the dicking or getting dicked?"

Merlin slid his fingers along Elyan's crack and down to his thighs as he ducked his head to catch Elyan's lips again. "Both, either. You?"

"Same." Elyan pushed back into Merlin's touch, pressing his arse out like he wanted to see some action there.

Merlin leaned across the bed and pulled one of the dildos from the shoebox and a condom and lube from the drawer. "Cock," Merlin said, holding it up.

Elyan laughed, the sound vibrating through his chest into Merlin's but he didn't move from where he was, face pressed to Merlin's chest just below his collarbone. Merlin slipped the condom onto the dildo, then put it aside and slathered his fingers with lube.

"Assume you've done this before?" Merlin asked when his fingers slid between Elyan's cheeks again.

"Piss off," Elyan replied, lips wet and warm on Merlin's chest.

Merlin circled Elyan's hole for a few seconds, holding out on him until Elyan pinched his side. Merlin sank his fingers into Elyan's hole, the muscle tight around them and Elyan so hot inside that Merlin would give anything to have a dick he could stick in there and actually feel it. He pushed his fingers in and out a bit, spreading them just to hear Elyan groan and feel him go jittery and limp, then push his crotch against Merlin's thigh.

"Think you'll fuck me tonight?" Merlin asked as he curled his free hand around Elyan's cock, watched Elyan move between his hands as he held himself up on his knees and elbows.

Elyan's cock thickened in Merlin's grip, stiffened just a little more but still flopped through Merlin's grip, sticky with the come from earlier.

"Let me?" Elyan said, half asked as he straightened, fingers and thumb curving around the inside of Merlin's thigh, pushing at the briefs. Elyan was stopped when Merlin did, mid motion on his dick and his fingers in Elyan's arse.

"Not sure if that's going to work, mate," Merlin said with another twist to Elyan's cock before he let it flop back down, half hard.

"Cock." Elyan nodded at the dildo on the side of the bed. "You get off on it, yeah? Being dicked like that?"

Merlin rolled his eyes, pushed himself up on his elbows to catch Elyan's lips in a kiss, then turned over on hands and knees, dragging down his briefs just enough to bare his arse and nothing else.

"Assume you've done this before?" Elyan echoed Merlin from earlier and moved fast enough that Merlin kicking out at him went nowhere.

The lube trickled cold across Merlin's hole, but Elyan's finger pushing in got him pushing back against it immediately. He felt himself get wet and hard and he pushed his hand between cock and body into his briefs and pressed forward against his fingers, then back into Elyan's.

"You _have_ done this before." Elyan laughed like the little bastard he was as he drew his nails down Merlin's cheeks and pushed in a second finger, spreading both apart slowly, then hooking them as he drew them out, making Merlin whine and moan and then bite the back of his hand to keep the noise down.

Merlin's clit throbbed along the ball of his thumb as he gripped himself tighter, slowly jerking himself as Elyan switched from fingers to dildo, pressing it into him slowly.

"Yeah, you good?" Elyan slowly pressed the dildo deeper, stroking his hand from the nape of Merlin's neck, down along his spine.

Merlin arched into the touch, back bowing into it as he fucked into his hand, pressing and grinding against his palm. He tried to sound less depraved and out of control but Elyan's hand was so warm on his shoulder, down along his tensing arm, down to where his hand disappeared in his briefs, and then along his back, back to where he was pushing the dildo into Merlin.

"Anything else you need?" Elyan asked, angling the dildo down, then up again and pulling it all the way out before slowly sinking it back in again.

"I'm good." Merlin felt his hole open to it, swallow the plastic up like it was real flesh and skin. he fucked back on it like he would on a dick, brushing the side of his face off on the pillow when sweat began to get itchy. The muscles in his arm burned, tense all get out, as he tried to get there, just a little more. "Bit deeper," he said and Elyan rolled the dildo just the bit deeper to make Merlin feel full enough and good. He sped up, his clit hard between his fingers until he came, hips twitching with every wave of arousal in his body, arse clenching around the dildo.

Elyan was chuckling, his hands on Merlin's body, along his shoulder and down his back, gliding over sweaty, hot skin. Merlin slowly laid down, reaching around himself to pull the dildo from his arse. Elyan took it from him and cleaned it up, running water and the sound of the small bin opening and closing. Merlin rolled his shoulders, still had his crotch cradled in his hand as he stretched out, pumping into his hand every now and then.

The bed dipped when Elyan joined him again. He pulled the waistband of Merlin's briefs up over the curve of his arse before he slid down to lie next to Merlin.

"Should clean that up. Don't wanna be shitting lube." Merlin felt for his arse and then was too tired to care overly much and dropped his hand beside himself again.

"Should," Elyan agreed.

"Hm." Elyan kissed him, smooshing his face right there to find Merlin's lips.

"You staying?" Merlin blinked one eye open, then closed it again when Elyan nodded, and grabbed the blanket to cover himself. "Light, yeah? Thanks." He heard Elyan moving about and normally handjobs didn't quite go like this but his body was happy and sated and happy, and Elyan hooked his fingers into the waistband of Merlin's briefs when he got back to the bed and the lights were out, and maybe handjobs were all that after all.

Merlin woke before dawn and more importantly he woke before his landlady. He elbowed Elyan, eyes still sleep crusted but never mind that and amidst a shitload of groaning and moaning, and Merlin slipping out with, "Why did I fuck you again?" Elyan looked somewhat awake.

"She won't scream if she sees me, surely, Merlin," Elyan said as he slipped into his boxers and jeans, pulled a shirt over his head.

"I think she's a bit too posh and old for gay fucking," Merlin whispered, sweeping dildo and Limpy under the blanket just in case she'd choose to poke her head in now. It was too early even for him, no cars outside and his body protested being up quite that early, beer headache beginning to pound in his skull.

"I had fun," Elyan said when Merlin already had the door to his room open and was peeking down the dark corridor.

"Mm-hm. Quiet." Merlin opened the door more fully and stood aside, gesturing Elyan towards the front door.

"Hey, I said I had fun," Elyan repeated. He slid his fingers into the waistband of Merlin's briefs, curled them around his hip as he pulled Merlin closer, kissing him. Merlin only thought of Ms Mullen down at the end of the corridor any second and then gave that up to enjoy Elyan for a while.

"You?" Elyan prodded, nipping at Merlin's jaw.

"Me what?"

"Had fun?"

Merlin had a flippant reply on his lips but Elyan's earnest eyes made him stomach flip-flop them into some half sigh and dopey-feeling smile on his face and nod, then push at Elyan's hip to urge him out the door.

"I'll call you," Elyan said in normal voice, laughing at Merlin's shushing noises and set off down the corridor and out of the house.

Merlin closed the door to his room and leaned against it, stared at the mess of his bed and the floor and clothes and a used condom next to them.

***

Merlin scrolled through his email on his phone, then came back to it as the sun was burning down on them during a bit of a break. The others were having a smoke and he sat on one of the stacks of paving stones they were setting around the beds.

"She's well into me by now," one of them was saying among laughter of the group. "Doing it twice a night and she screams for me to go harder and deeper." He illustrated with motions of his hips. "Sucks cock like she was born to it."

Merlin rolled his eyes but let them talk, sipped his water instead. The lads were laughing, Elyan in the middle of them, until he looked up towards Merlin catching his eye. Merlin smiled at him, feeling all kinds of stupid when his stomach flipped about when Elyan smiled back.

"She'll be getting pregnant next," one of them said and the rest of them hooted when the bloke's expression fell just that much. "She'll be wanting you all down and married."

"Fuck that," the bloke said, and Merlin joined in with the laughter of the group.

***

Dawdling didn't ease his nerves any, so Merlin pushed the doorbell. Over the last few weeks the dress code for these night hangings as they'd both dubbed them had moved progressively towards ratty jeans and t-shirt. With summer at its height it was still light out, and Merlin squinted into the sun behind the row of houses when the buzzer sounded and he let himself in. Elyan had propped the door to his flat open and Merlin moved down the hallway and slipped in, pulling the door into the lock behind him.

"I brought a six-pack," he shouted as he toed off his sneakers, then padded through to the main room, the kitchen area along one wall, the couch that doubled as a bed just behind with the TV running on sky sports.

"Nice one," Elyan replied, quick check of his hip when Merlin stepped in closer and glanced down at the oven and the mess Elyan had made of the work top.

"Thought we'd order curry."

"Not trusting me?" Elyan leaned down, pressing his fingers to the buns toasting happily and Merlin leaned back against the counter, grinning, watching the football for a moment until the sizzle of the pan made him look back around.

"Burgers?" Merlin leaned in for a closer look.

"New York City Burgers." Elyan flipped them in the pan. "They're this, it's special yeah? Like, they do them like this in New York and you can only get them there, really, but I got the recipe off of someone."

"What's in them?"

"Onions, bit of garlic, salt and pepper, some egg." Elyan prodded at the burgers in the pan.

"Right." Merlin opened one of the cans of beer for himself, gave a second to Elyan and they knocked them together before sipping. Elyan's white shirt was a little splattered with oil, the bit of a curve of his stomach pushing the tight shirt out. He caught Merlin looking and threw him a questioning look but Merlin only shrugged and figured he was allowed to look his fill.

Elyan got out the cheese and put a slice each on the burgers, got out the buns, ketchup on the bottoms and then the pattie and the bun on top. "You want to watch that?" he asked as he took his plate and beer, left Merlin for his own and settled on the couch.

"Don't mind it," Merlin replied. He could bring up enough enthusiasm for almost everything if he tried and Elyan was cheering for Leeds United between bites.

"So this is just burgers then, yeah?" Merlin took a few bites, enjoyed the hell out of them.

"How dare you!" Elyan laughed and knocked his knee into Merlin's, then sobered. "Seriously, there's this place in New York City, hole in the wall kind of place, and they swear by these burgers because they're like nothing else."

"Have you been?" Merlin asked after another bite and watching the green team make a goal and jump about celebrating while Elyan groaned into his burger beside him.

"Not yet." Elyan smiled at the television, then looked at Merlin. "Soon though, it better be soon," he added, a bit of a wistful note in his voice.

Merlin leaned back into the couch, letting his head drop to the back of the couch. Elyan had a bag in the back of his closet, packed to leave at a moment's notice with all his essentials. Merlin didn't even have a passport.

"Do you need a passport to go to New York?" he asked.

"Yeah. They're wankers too about checking who you are and what you want, like, this one guy, they made him get back on the plane because he'd spelled the street name of his first address wrong."

"Ah," Merlin replied as Elyan turned back to the football, elbows on knees as he leaned forward. New York seemed like something entirely too abstract for Merlin to even grasp, a city half a world away he'd never honestly thought about going to. "The burgers are good," he said and sipped more of his beer.

"Told you." Elyan looked back at Merlin over his shoulder, took him in head to toe. "You staying the night?"

Merlin grinned. "Sure."

***

"I've no idea what he's even on about," Merlin said with a nod to the bloke reading the questions, and pushed the quiz card across the table to Percival. Some of Percival's coworkers laughed their arses off and Merlin tipped his beer to them and let them get on with it.

"So he doesn't know?" Lance picked up their earlier conversation as the rest of the team quibbled over one of the answers.

Merlin shook his head, then shrugged as he listened to the next question but didn't even try to come up with whatever obscure answer was asked for. "Not really his thing. Shit enough for him to get settled with me, no need to push it in his face."

"You're a dick."

Merlin smirked. "Thanks, mate."

"You think he'd bolt from a bit of blood and no more tits."

Merlin drew circles into the condensed water on his glass. "He'd probably be good with it but it's my thing. It's been poking about in here," Merlin tapped at his head, "for years. It's private? I don't know."

"If I was him I'd be bloody well pissed after."

"He'll probably be." Merlin laughed and waved the others off when they looked at him questioningly.

"Pray tell you know anything about the Beat era," Percival interrupted them.

"Oasis?" Merlin quipped and toasted his beer towards Percival, grinning, before he leaned forward and tried to contribute something useful to the quiz.

***

His room was freezing, felt like it anyway, even under all the blankets. Merlin had been drifting in and out of a pain-medication-induced hazy state. Every turn for the painkillers, when the hands of the clock had just ticked far enough, sent a bolt of pain down his body.

"Don't be such a fucking pussy," he pressed out between gritted teeth as he reached for the pills and swallowed them down dry, counting up to 120 or thereabouts in his head until he faded back out.

The knock on the door woke him, voices, then Elyan ducked into his room and pulled the door closed behind him.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin tried to push himself up on his elbows, worst idea yet. He hadn't said anything to Elyan, had only arranged it with Geoffrey that he'd be out for a few weeks.

"You should have told me, twat," Elyan said as he shrugged off his jacket and pulled a chair over, then pushed Merlin down to lie flat again.

"Told you I was gonna give you a call next Monday."

"And what, be all 'Surprise no more tits!'?"

Merlin pulled at the blanket, showing the heavy post surgery binder with the drainage baubles hanging from it. "Surprise, no more tits," he said, grinning. He chuckled but the pain was immediate and harsh and a glance at the clock showed that he'd have to make it for another hour without munching on any more of the sweet stuff.

"I'll just hang out here," Elyan said and lounged on Merlin's chair, grabbing one of the magazines from the stack. "Catch some shut eye."

"Can't make me," Merlin said, and watched Elyan turn a few pages in the magazine but then he was asleep again.

When he next woke Elyan was sipping coffee. Merlin cleared his throat.

"Lazy bugger," Elyan said as he put whatever book he was reading aside. "Want something to drink? Did they give you a sippy cup?"

"I'm not half-dead, wanker." Merlin reached for the pills before Elyan could try to be all noble and bullshit and downed them, then shifted up on his bed a bit, trying to ignore the pain stabbing through him as he sat up fully. "Have to piss." Elyan looked concerned enough that Merlin wanted to kick him in the balls. "I'm supposed to walk around anyway, just- hands off." Everything tugged in all the wrong places and Merlin swayed uneasily as he stood, breathing through a wave of dizziness then moved the palm of his hand down his flat chest. "Maybe they're still hiding underneath."

Elyan snorted a laugh and Merlin flipped him off as he moved with slow steps to the door and out into the hallway to make it to the bathroom. Staying upright got easier the more steps he took even if Elyan was a step behind him, watching him carefully. Elyan helped with the boxers and sitting down on the loo was a welcome break as the world spun a little around him

"You look like you're going to hurl."

"Piss off," Merlin replied absently as he pissed, daring Elyan to say something inappropriate with the sheer power of his glare but Elyan only lifted his hands and smirked. "Tosser." Merlin glanced down himself, the baubles full with crap. "I'll have to change those." Merlin looked up and huffed. "Now who's going to hurl?"

Elyan helped Merlin off the loo again and they figured out how to unscrew the little bastards together between Merlin barking at Elyan, Elyan barking back and a few unsuccessful attempts of Merlin straining all the muscles that were hurting like fuck. Elyan tipped the orange goo into the sink before screwing them back on.

"I bet this looks a mess underneath," Merlin said. "Itches like fuck already."

"How long's it going to be like that?" Elyan walked next to Merlin back to his room.

Merlin sat back on the bed and reached for the water. He yawned, aborted that when his ribcage wouldn't quite expand for that much air and the pain was back with a sharp reminder. "Few weeks."

"You timed it to be in the off-season, didn't you?" Elyan handed him the glass of water. Merlin drank it down. "Trying to stay inside now that the shit weather's starting."

Merlin rolled his eyes, then looked at the pillow and the comforter, yawned again and tried not to keel over where he was sitting. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Don't be an idiot." Merlin lay down and Elyan pulled the comforter up to his shoulders then leaned down and kissed him, dragged his fingers through Merlin's short hair. "Should have told me, I would have been there."

"You're here now," Merlin muttered before he drifted off to sleep again.

"Someone stinks," Elyan said the next time Merlin opened his eyes.

"You stink," Merlin gave back but sat up in bed, trying to assess what did and didn't hurt, how much he could move his arms and whether the baubles needed switching again. "Shit what are you still doing here anyway?"

Elyan glanced up from his magazine and tossed it aside. "Why would I be anywhere else?" he gave back. "Come on."

He tugged Merlin up and washed him in the bathroom, doing everything that made Merlin want to tell him to piss off just to get some of the control back but Elyan shhh'd in Merlin's ear. "I'm so happy for you, you know?" Elyan laughed. "I hope it'll make you less of a cranky wanker, too, but I guess that's just you."

Merlin chuckled at that and watched the two of them in the mirror. He couldn't wait for the bandages to come off, for everything to be a little more right and a little less strained. "I hope it's not," Merlin said. He turned to Elyan and kissed him. "Sorry I'm a bit of a wanker sometimes."

"Getting soppy now?" Elyan said after a good while of them standing in the bathroom.

Merlin pinched Elyan's thigh in retribution and smiled at their reflections in the mirror. "Let just get the goop out."

Back in the bedroom, Merlin made space for Elyan on the bed and lay next to him. Elyan was propped on his side to glance down at Merlin on his back, the only halfway bearable position that Merlin could be in.

"I think I want to see Australia first, enjoy the surf and the sunshine and the easy life for a while, and then hop over to New Zealand and just trawl around there, go hiking in the mountains and experience nature and from there, well, Tokyo would be great or just directly to LA."

"LA sounds pretty wicked," Merlin replied. "Shitload of actors and whatnot and Hollywood and all."

"Sounds better than the pissing rain here all the time." Elyan traced his fingers over Merlin's thigh, nearly fell out of the bed when he shifted and Merlin smiled. "Prefer you in _my_ bed, I have to say," he said, eyebrow raised.

Merlin shook his head but grinned. "This is perfectly fine," he replied and then Elyan went back to talking about that imaginary world trip in his head that Merlin wasn't quite sure he'd ever even start, and they held hands as Merlin fell asleep again.

"Merls?" Elyan shook his shoulder and pressed a quick kiss on his lips. "I'll head out for a few, have to take care of some things at home."

Merlin blinked up at him, still mostly asleep and hazy around the edges.

"I'll be back in a few hours."

"You don't have to, you know," Merlin replied, voice raspy.

"As if." Elyan rolled his eyes and pulled on his jacket.

The knock to the door startled them both. The door opened and first Percival, then Lance stepped into Merlin's room which now was effectively crowded with the three of them in it.

"We just wanted to see how you were," Percival said as he glanced at Elyan, then at Merlin, stupid smirk on his face already. "You said you'd call, you know."

"Shit." Merlin gestured down himself. "It's done? Yeah." He glanced at Elyan, who looked at Percival and Lance then back at Merlin. "That's Elyan, that's Percival, Lance. Elyan's, well, the guy I've been seeing."

"From Leeds, are you, mate?" Percival asked and shook Elyan's hand. Lance followed suit, and to Merlin it looked more like a few blokes seizing one another up before a fight.

"I was just heading out for a while," Elyan said and leaned down to kiss Merlin again. "See you in a bit," he said to Merlin and, "see you later," to Percival and Lance, then ducked out the door.

"So that's him," Lance said as he shrugged out of his jacket and sat on Elyan's chair while Percival pushed Merlin's legs aside and sat on the bed.

"Yeah." Merlin shrugged. "I like him." It felt a bit stupid to like anyone, in a way, just asking for trouble but Elyan was the only one who he could piss about with and then they'd both laugh and kiss and he didn't want to be without that.

"Good," Lance said.

***

"That film's well crap, you know," Merlin said, balled up a napkin and threw it in the general direction of the TV set. His projectile died a miserable death somewhere in the dinner of something Elyan called curry and Merlin called funny.

Elyan, his head pillowed on Merlin's thigh, glanced up at Merlin. "You chose it, idiot."

"It didn't sound like it'd be crap," Merlin replied. He considered the bowl of something-curry on the table and whether he wanted to move for another bite, then didn't, only leaned back against the wall.

The sofa had still been pulled out into a bed when Merlin had shown up and they hadn't bothered straightening it out, only settled on it with the curry earlier that night. Merlin wriggled his toes in the comforter while something else exploded on the screen. He dragged his knuckles down the nape of Elyan's neck, every slow motion down the slope of muscle sending his fingertips farther into Elyan's shirt.

"Tease," Elyan said, wide grin on his face as he pretended to watch the TV and batted at Merlin's hand.

Merlin grinned and dipped his fingers lower, squeezing his hand into the neck of Elyan's shirt, splaying his fingers over Elyan's chest, his skin hot against Merlin's palm.

Elyan turned onto his back to glance up at Merlin, face upside down. He stretched an arm over his head and squeezed at Merlin's knee. "You ok to do stuff?"

"No crazy shit but, yeah, other things." Merlin rubbed his palm over the curls of hair on Elyan's chest, then pulled his hand from Elyan's shirt and grasped the hem of it, pulling. "C'mon."

Shots rang out from the TV but Elyan lifted his arms and let Merlin pull his shirt off. He knelt astride Merlin's legs, rolling his crotch against Merlin's thighs once before stilling. Merlin had one hand on Elyan's hip, the other moving up his side, detouring over stomach and nipples to his shoulder and down across his bicep. Elyan leaned in and kissed Merlin, tipping his head back a little, hand on Merlin's shoulder to steady himself, as he sucked Merlin's lower lip between his and rocked against Merlin's stomach.

"So. No more tits, eh? Can I have a look?" Elyan asked, fingers already on the hem of Merlin's t-shirt.

"It's still pretty gory," Merlin replied but shrugged an okay. Lifting his arms all the way still pulled at the scars and pinpricked all the way down his body. Even the scratch of the fabric was rough enough to send goosebumps down Merlin's back. The skin was still puffy and swollen and when Elyan dragged his knuckles along the pecs-to-be, Merlin ignored the small stabs of pain.

"The scars are shit, I know," Merlin said as he looked down at himself, pulling at some of the crusting scar tissue.

"Bit Frankenstein, yeah," Elyan said, clicking his tongue.

"Twat," Merlin said and pushed at his shoulder but Elyan just straddled his hips, thick line of his cock pressed to the crook of Merlin's thigh as he rocked forward. The movie was still on in the background and the whole flat stank of the curry paste despite the open windows. Merlin hooked his fingers into the waistband of Elyan's jeans, pulled at him but Elyan leaned the other way, just made exaggerated kissy faces at Merlin.

"Maybe they cut out your alien babies." Elyan dragged his thumbs down the side of Merlin's chest, then closer in to the nipples. "You actually look normal now." He laughed and ducked Merlin's slap to his shoulder.

"Fucking wanker." Merlin pushed his hips up against Elyan's arse just as Elyan rubbed his thumbs down the most sensitive parts of Merlin's chest, and it hurt for that one moment of manageable until it bled into not funny at all. "Fucking hell, just-" Merlin pushed Elyan aside, rolled them, ignoring the pain for a moment of kneeling up and skirting careful fingers down his chest. "Try to be less of a twat, twat," Merlin said, kneeing Elyan's thigh.

The still-healing incisions still stood out in stark red. A bit of envy lurked in the back of Merlin's head as he looked at Elyan's perfect chest but he didn't linger on it, just fished Elyan's t-shirt from the floor. He grabbed Elyan's hands and wrapped the t-shirt around them, binding him with some crude knot that wouldn't hold anyone.

"This or I'd punch you in the face," Merlin said with a shrug, not so accidentally kneeing Elyan in the balls when he straddled him, just to wipe that stupid smirk of his face but Elyan was just looking at him already. Pride flared in Merlin's chest at looking like this, unashamed for a change with nothing to hide.

"Turn you on so fucking much." Merlin rocked against Elyan's crotch, leaning forward to kiss Elyan. The line of Elyan's cock dragged along Merlin's clit underneath his dick with every slow roll of Merlin's hips.

Elyan arched up when Merlin pulled away, all hips thrust and little sounds. "Wanker," he said when Merlin just sat astride him and had his hand inside his jeans, rubbing himself through his underwear. His clit stood hard against his palm, big and erect and playing at being a proper dick.

Merlin took his clit between finger and thumb, jerked it through his underwear, shoved his dick aside so the back of his hand pressed against the line of his zipper.

"First thing I'm jumping into a fucking pool," Merlin said. He slid off the bed to get out of his jeans, pushed down his briefs and fake dick with them before he straddled Elyan's thighs again. When he looked down himself nothing was in the way, everything flat and neat, his clit sticking out from his pubes. Merlin undid the buttons of Elyan's jeans, pushed his boxers down just far enough to draw Elyan's cock out.

"You're hot," Elyan said, face turned down to watch Merlin's fingers on his cock.

Merlin looked down as well, watched the slide of Elyan's cock through the circle of his fingers. Merlin scooted closer and pushed the tip of Elyan's cock up against his own miniature dick, slid it along the side of it, then pulled the hood of his dick back and guided Elyan's cock down enough to have the tip bump against it. The slick at the tip of Elyan's cock made it slide easy, rubbing against Merlin with enough heat and pressure that Merlin couldn't stop watching and couldn't stop rocking against him. Elyan's precome matted down Merlin's pubes and Merlin played his fingers through the mess, grinning when Elyan pulled a face at him.

"You like this?" Merlin asked as he sat up, drew his thumb carefully along the incision scar. "'Cause if you were into the tits, they're not coming back."

"Looks like you," Elyan replied, fingers twitching but not seriously trying to pull out of the t-shirt.

"Good." Merlin pushed Elyan's foreskin back, rubbed his palm across the head, then got off the bed to fetch condoms and lube. He knelt alongside Elyan as he slipped the condom over his cock and slathered on the lube, then pushed some into his own arse, before he straddled Elyan again.

"Comfortable?"

"Still," Merlin replied, then reached back and angled Elyan's cock to sit back down on it. "Not so much now," Merlin said through that first burn of muscles stretching. When Merlin blinked his eyes open, Elyan was staring up at him, laughing. Merlin held himself up against Elyan's chest but the movement stretched incisions that were still healing and muscles that were still sore.

"Thought you actually wanted to get off on this," Elyan said. "Hands off."

Merlin lifted his hands from Elyan's chest and Elyan put his own hands to Merlin's hips, gripping him firmly, as he put his knees up. He thrust his hips up to push his cock into Merlin's arse as slow as could be, dragging on Merlin's rim and making him dig his fingers into Elyan's shoulder again. Elyan pulled out and smacked at Merlin's hip.

"What?"

"Back, come on."

Merlin rolled his eyes but shifted off Elyan and slipped onto his back, watched Elyan undo his masterpiece of bondage and toss the shirt aside.

"I'll hold it up. Just lie back," Elyan said as he drew one of Merlin's legs up and fit himself back into Merlin's arse with a slow thrust and roll of his hips. "That's it." Elyan leaned forward, one hand to the side of Merlin's face, the other hooked around his knee as he pushed in deep until his balls were pressed to Merlin's arse. He ground in once more, making him feel it.

"Turn you on?" Merlin said, cataloguing the harsh exhales and the slow thrusts, the way Elyan's eyes shut and then stared down at Merlin's chest again. "It'll heal over fine. Build up the pecs again when I can, after, and the scars will hide in the curve." Merlin touched his chest, mapping every little bit of it, as Elyan watched him and fucked him, every thrust of his cock into Merlin's arse making Merlin want to push him more, harder, get to go deeper. "Come on," Merlin said eventually and dragged a thumb over his nipple.

Elyan pulled out nearly all the way and slammed back in again, his balls slapping against Merlin's arse, out and in again, in a hard, fast rhythm, that had Elyan breaking into sweat, muscles bulging on his body and that filled Merlin up entirely and made him feel wanted and hot and like he could strip in front of someone and not have to come up with a pile of excuses.

A few cuts, one giant step closer to being who he was.

***

"What's with you leaving it around here?" Elyan shouted from the kitchen, slamming the fridge door hard enough that Merlin rolled his eyes in the bedroom, hopping around to try and get his boxers and t-shirt on. "I'm just saying that I'm reminding you."

"Tosser," Merlin muttered as he pushed past Elyan into the kitchen, grabbing the bag of T and syringes from the kitchen cupboard. "You really fucking think I'd forget?"

"I can't read minds now, can I?"

"No need to shout the fucking house down like you're a fucking lunatic, fucking tosser," Merlin muttered as he prepared the syringe, tapping against it.

"Piss off." Elyan slammed a cupboard door and took his coffee to the bathroom, slamming that door as well.

"Fucking asshole." Merlin gritted his teeth, took a breath and pushed the needle into his thigh until it was all the way in, drew back, then slowly depressed the plunger before pulling out again, rubbing at the spot on his skin before he took apart the needle and set it back on the cupboard to discard later.

His arse was still sore from the night and his reflection in the microwave door showed enough lovebites that it made him flush and grin stupidly at himself. Merlin grabbed bread from the bag and set it to toast, poured himself some of the coffee from the machine.

"You're a right idiot, you know," Elyan said as he came back into the kitchen, the flushing toilet noisy from the bathroom. Fingers wet because the guy never dried his hands he pulled Merlin in by the shirt and kissed him.

Merlin squashed the toast against Elyan's naked chest, crumbs raining down between them, until he gave in to the kiss. "I can take care of myself, so don't piss around with me, okay?"

Elyan laughed, took a bite of Merlin's toast and pushed away from him. "Never said you couldn't."

"Never said I-"

"You're picking a fight." Elyan turned with his cup again.

"Not picking a-"

Elyan lifted his eyebrows at Merlin, then laughed, full belly laugh in his easy lean against the kitchen counter and pointedly glanced at Merlin.

Merlin scrubbed a hand over his face. "Oh shut up."

***

Merlin had made the curry for a change, the only thing he managed with a bit of masala sauce and too many spices that probably didn't even go with curry. Some league game was on, Blue was losing against some white-shirted lads who, according to Lance, didn't even know how to kick a ball properly. Lance and Elyan sat on the low table, beer on their knees while Percival and Merlin had squashed themselves onto the couch.

"We'll break down their defense there," Lance pointed out, gesturing with his bottle at the screen, "and you'll see Macmillan slip it over and into the corner."

Merlin was nursing his beer and watching the action on the screen only whenever Elyan and Lance shifted enough to allow some glimpses of white and blue shirts running about.

"Had a long week?" Percival asked when Merlin yawned for the third time and nearly upended the curry all over himself.

Merlin shrugged. "Not bad." Coming home to an empty flat throughout most of it had been more of a kicker. "Some of the new guys aren't working out; just stand about gibbering away for most of the day and expecting some pats on the head."

"You probably went and chewed them a new one," Percival said, and Merlin laughed but couldn't really find the words to deny it.

They sipped beer for a while, and Merlin watched Elyan's back, muscles shifting underneath the shirt, pert arse in the trousers, while Elyan and Lance debated the merits of a different tactical system.

"You'll come over Wednesday if they actually win this, right?" Percival asked, groaning when Elyan and Lance jumped up in unison to cheer at a goal. "I'll have a lonely night hiding in the bedroom otherwise."

Merlin grinned, shouted, "England!" when Elyan turned to him to share some joy, punching Percival in the shoulder when he snorted beer all over his front. "Piss off, mate, just trying to get into the spirit here."

They settled again when play resumed, Elyan and Lance leaning forward in tight anticipation of more, groaning and moaning and cursing every once in a while.

"Elyan's down in Cornwall for the week, so it'd be only me," Merlin said, replying to the earlier question. "If I don't want to crawl into bed and die I'll be by."

Merlin's shit still sat in boxes along the far wall of the room, few clothes, few books, some knickknacks he hadn't quite let go of, but he couldn't be arsed to unpack; too tired during the week and too busy shagging on weekends, for the most part. His guitars sat with the rest of the stuff, he hadn't played in years.

"Cornwall?"

"He wanted to see something else." Merlin shrugged. "You know how he is. Suppose I'm happy it's not New York." The dry tone fell a bit flat and bitter over another yawn that made his jaw crack. "I lied, it's been a shit long week." Merlin let his head drop to the back of the couch, closing his eyes for just a moment, the food and the beer doing enough to mellow him completely. His body was aching in all kinds of different ways now with the way the lack of breasts made him straighten up, balance differently, work differently. "Your week?"

"Fine. Bit of a scuffle with one of the kids mid-week, nothing major, just trying to find placement and he ticked out over it. Rough all around." Percival sipped his beer. He grinned. "Gwaine says to tell you hi, been seeing him last week for some meetings."

Merlin startled for a moment of trying to place the name, then laughed, a million thoughts in his head at once. Him, the awkward, long-haired something or other all those years back, Arthur, bowling, trying to figure out what he even was and what he wanted from life. He'd been such a needy tosser. His heart clenched in his chest a little. "That's years ago," he said, glancing down at his hand, the back of one scraped up by one of the mishaps at work that week. "That's crazy."

Percival grinned. "Bit of a lifetime, isn't it?"

***

"We're all standing in the pissing snow, mate, so shut your gob about it," Merlin said. A few of the younger lads were too busy shoving one another to the muddy ground to listen. "Stop messing about," he shouted at them and waited for everyone to join the circle. "We've got a day and half to get this cleaned up. Dmitri, you'll start along the fence there. Take them down to the stem. Jamie, clear up the underbrush over there and don't let anyone try to drown themselves in the stream again. I'll take the rest of you down to the paths to reline the borders. Any questions?"

"Can I go to take a piss by myself or will I have to ask for permission for that as well?" one of the lads shouted.

Merlin laughed along with the rest of them and after another question, sent them off with a nod. His mobile vibrated in his pocket as they marched down to the edge of the park.

"Getting on?" Alex asked on the phone, nasal screechy Irish bastard accented voice that he had. "I figured I'd check in."

"Fine," Merlin gave back as he crouched down and wriggled one of the lining stones a bit, pulled it halfway from the soil. "We'll have to make a new bed for these, lads," Merlin shouted at his team. The groans were enough indication that they'd heard him.

"Do you need more men out there?"

"On schedule at the moment, depends a bit on the weather tomorrow. Send some of the lads over if you can spare them but there's no pressing need at the minute." Merlin pulled the stone free all the way and poked at the ground underneath. As shit as the weather currently was they'd still caught it just before freezing.

"Meeting with Geoffrey tomorrow," Alex said, flicking paper over in the background while Merlin gestured to the guys to get to work. "He'll want to know how you're getting on."

Alex left him with a few questions about materials and tools, and Merlin jotted the figures into his notebook, nevermind the snow mush coming down from above smudging most of the ink. He pocketed the book and after a glance across to the other teams pulled on his gloves and joined into dragging the old stones from the bed. Widening it, evening out the shoddy work previously done and laying down the new border stones. He was sweating inside his heavy jacket within minutes, tempting as it was to strip down to only a t-shirt as some of the guys were doing, he'd worked this job long enough to have made that mistake exactly once.

"You're going to regret that when you cough up your lungs tomorrow," he said to one of the young ones, sixteen maybe, but the lad just shrugged at him and went back to his work.

He stayed long after the others had left, made sure everything was secure and locked up, picked up the random saw left by one of the teams in the middle of the park. Throughout the bus ride back to the flat, just the idea of a hot shower kept him going. A hot shower and shitload more tea than he'd had in his thermos.

The flat was quiet, still reeked a bit of his New York burger Birmingham-style experiment from the night before, the bed unmade where he'd stumbled out of it that morning. Merlin shrugged out of his clothes on the way to the bathroom. He left his boots by the door and everything else somewhere along the corridor, then let the water run for a while to get the boiler to catch up. The scars still stood out a bit angry and would for another few months but like every other time he saw himself in the mirror, Merlin didn't want to look away from it suddenly looking right and not like someone pasted-on someone else's body parts.

The hot water was steaming up the room so Merlin slipped under the spray and let the water sluice over him for much longer than was reasonable. He made himself some tea after and turned on the telly, slipping between the covers. 8pm with nothing on the telly and nothing to do.

 _good time to call?_ he texted Elyan as something mindless was starting on ITV.

 _yeah but about to head out_

Merlin hit the call button and slid deeper under the blanket, curling up on his side with the phone squashed between head and pillow.

"Hey there," Merlin said when Elyan picked up.

"Hi babe, how's it going?" Elyan was ruffling with stuff, a few voices sounded in the background. "Work okay?"

"Fine. Tired. You?"

"Just about to head out with the lads. One of them's discovered some bar down in Bath so we'll pile into- a minute, guys- we'll pile into Chris' car and have a few drinks." Someone shouted something grossly obscene in the background and Merlin grinned at it down the phone. "It's a good time down here, Merls," Elyan said, once people had quieted down a bit.

"Glad to hear that," Merlin said and pressed his face a bit deeper into the pillow. The moon was coming in through the curtains, and the radiator was clicking in the background. "How much longer will you be down there?"

"I'll probably stay the weekend, yeah? And then, I don't know, hard to tell. The job's big. Listen, they're raring to go. Love you, 'kay?"

Merlin muttered the reply just before the connection cut off, leaving him with a near silent ITV drama and his warming bed. He should go unpack some of the boxes sometime, but he pulled his laptop over instead and set it on his stomach, then reached into his briefs. He clicked through to one of the porn sites on the screen and brought up a video as he closed his fingers around his bits, jerking himself slowly as someone got barebacked in the vid.

***

Merlin wrote a letter because that's what all the websites said to do. He kept adding to it, just a few lines whenever he thought he should really get it done and dealt with, and then it was Christmas and New Year's and they'd been goofing about and spent long nights in.

By mid-January the guilt was swapping about high again.

"Don't get wrecked every night, yeah?" Merlin said, three a.m. bleary-eyed under the warm blankets.

Elyan was pulling on his boots at the side of the bed, leaned down to kiss Merlin. Merlin tried to kiss back but there was morning breath and it was too bloody early for any kind of deep emotion other than that tug at his stomach.

"Text after you land?"

"It's only Dublin," Elyan said, fingertips skirting under the blankets across Merlin's chest and lower.

Merlin laughed and pushed Elyan's hand away. "Get going, twat," he said but sat up for another kiss, fingers curving around the back of his head. "See you in three weeks."

"Maybe four."

"Maybe four," Merlin conceded, curling his fingers into the front of Elyan's shirt, then let him go and watched him pull on his jacket and grab his bag. "Love you," Merlin said when Elyan was at the door.

"Love you, too."

Merlin stole a glance at his phone when the door closed behind Elyan and the front door slipped into the lock. He'd have another few hours before he had to get up for work in the morning but sleep was hard to come by when he thought of Elyan on the way to work elsewhere again, every single time taking him a bit further out

The letter sat in his desk, with paychecks and P-60s, and so many stops and starts that his handwriting seemed to have change five times on the way through. Merlin gave up any pretense of sleep and slipped out of bed, dragging on some jogging bottoms and a t-shirt as he sat at the desk and pulled out the letter. Reading it over with the _Mum_ on top and the _I know we haven't been talking_ following, morphing into _I think I'm better now than I was a few years ago, know where I messed up._

Merlin wrote out the rest of it now, a bit delirious with the lack of sleep, not even crying over any of it, just getting it off his chest.

 _I don't know if this explains anything, but I don't know how to explain it better._

 _I love you._

 _Merlin, your Maddie_

He stuffed in a few pamphlets, a list of websites he'd remembered from his own careful, initial explorations and sent it off that morning. He'd dropped by the post office for stamps and all, because he couldn't wait one day longer. The phone call with Elyan was short at night, just a status check of hello-I love you-good night as he spent the night alone in the flat again. She'd have the letter the next day, and so he waited for a reaction, in his email maybe, and then in the post, just a letter back saying that she got it and was working through it maybe, not thrilled or ecstatic by all means, but that she loved him.

He'd have liked to get something saying _I love you_ , but then Elyan was back and they'd gone out for Valentine's Day like proper tossers and got wrecked in one of the pubs. They'd stumbled home and Elyan sucked him off against the door just inside, lips tight. Merlin laughed, drunk with it, drunk with having Elyan there as well, hard and hot as he slowly slid his dick into Merlin's arse, Merlin's face pressed to the pillow.

"Hot," Elyan hissed into Merlin's ear.

And through that drunken haze and the dick in his arse, Merlin figured there wouldn't be a letter, might not ever be a letter maybe, and that that one was pretty much on him.

The letter arrived the next day.

It said _give me time_ and _thank you_ and then it said _confusing_ and _angry_ and _joy_ and Merlin only skimmed it once before folding it together and placing it in the drawer with the P-60s. His fingers were trembling, heart racing and the folder of secrets spilled like that made him want to take it all back.

***

Dmitri was regaling the lads with a tale of heartache and sorrow Russian style in-between winking at Merlin to keep him from blowing his big fat fabrication of a heart-wrenching tale out of the water. He stood a bit apart from the others, drank with Alex and Luke now, Geoffrey when he was there, while the boys smashed their pint glasses together like there was no tomorrow.

Elyan walked into the pub with his bag in his hand, eyes searching, Merlin lifted his hand and waved. Elyan grinned wide and strode over, nodding at the others at the table before he pulled Merlin in for a quick hug. Merlin used the moment to squeeze out a _love you_ before grinning way too widely when Elyan went to get himself a pint.

"Up and away these days?" Alex asked when Elyan rejoined them, nodding at Elyan's bag.

Elyan stood close to Merlin, sides touching but that's as far as they went in front of the lads, the backs of their hands brushing underneath the table.

"Just back in from Europe. Paris." Elyan laughed and downed half the pint, jostling Merlin with that gleam in his eyes, all ecstasy and joy and Merlin grinned back at him, felt him thrumming next to him. "The most outrageous bit of garden. You think you have a garden here, nicely done, well expensive and then you go over there and your eyeballs drop out of your sockets at the variety of form and colour and sheer size."

"Never had much plans to see that kind of thing, me," Alex said, eyebrows raised, a bit amused maybe.

"Now that I've seen that- Merls, you should have- I took photos!"

"Oi! You owe us a round," Dmitri shouted from the other table under much rejoicing from the lads.

"You'll learn not to promise rounds for getting their arses into gear," Alex said, laughing, looking just smashed enough that Merlin rolled his eyes at him and shook his head when Elyan threw him a questioning glance.

Dmitri clapped him on the back when he walked over, clinking his glass to Merlin's.

"'nother round, boss," one of the lads piped up. He'd scraped his hand earlier and Merlin had shouted at him to stop being a complete div.

"Good work today," Merlin said. "Thanks for giving it your all, yeah?" He clapped Dmitri on the shoulder and lifted his glass to the rest of the group before he walked over to the bar and ordered another round of pints for all of them.

"They had this installation in the middle of it, a bit of concrete for the base, then soil and the flowers arranged around like so with five individual fountains," Elyan was telling Alex when Merlin joined their table again, sidling up properly close to Elyan. He smelled of aftershave and cologne, a bit of sweat, and his fingers hooked around Merlin's for a private little touch before he flew into another explanation of the amazingness that was Paris.

He lost Merlin somewhere around the fourth unpronounceable street name but Merlin just enjoyed him being back.

"It was properly sweet," Elyan said in the cab home, glancing at the outskirts of the city brushing past, a few derelict houses, fences, late shit weather that tried to remind them that it could still well snow in April. "I want to go back, you know." He turned to look at Merlin then glanced outside again. "If I could right now I'd be back on that train."

Merlin's fingers twitched around Elyan's, and what a stupid thing to make a big deal out of when they were both a bit doused and ready to sleep it off, maybe shag before but not much more.

"I want to take you there. Show you all the things I saw." Elyan leaned against the window and looked back at Merlin, down at their hands between them. "Learn French. I suppose I'd have to learn French."

He was glancing out at the window again at Birmingham brushing past. Merlin tried to imagine Paris, French people speaking French and French supermarkets and French television and French newspapers, and he thought of the lads and the jobs and what the stash of money in the bank was for.

"Not sure I like the French. They're tossers, right?" Merlin said.

Elyan grinned briefly then shrugged. "Not really."

***

"You'll have to properly put it in," Jamie was shouting from their make-shift goal as Merlin kicked the ball to Dmitri. "The other way!"

Merlin flipped Jamie off, then the ball jumped off his foot when it was kicked back to him and he jogged after it down the small slope before he could bring it back into play. Alex was watching him approach, fag dangling from his fingers, then he stretched his leg between Merlin's to get at the ball toppling them both and bringing them down hard.

"It's not rugby, lads," Jamie shouted but both Alex and Merlin were laughing too much to give a toss.

Merlin recovered first and brought the ball back into the game, dribbling up along the side of the field before passing to Jake who missed the goal by approximately ten metres and had Len properly cussing him out as he ran to stop the ball before it rolled into the stream.

"I'll do you in if you fucked up my ankle," Alex said when he jogged back over to Merlin and the ball got thrown back in.

"Blame being too old and slow," Merlin gave back, and still fumbled the ball between his own legs and promptly lost it to Alex.

They continued the banter in the pub after a pint or two and soon a pint or two too many as they swapped disaster stories and film reviews and 'Remember that time when...' amidst much laughter. Alex was in the middle of describing Star Wars, arm around Merlin's shoulder, and Merlin was laughing at the stupid voices Alex came out with, the world a bit fuzzy at the edges.

"Heading out," Dmitri said as he stepped in close, grabbing Merlin's shoulder to get his attention. "You ok to get home?"

"Fine," Merlin said. "I'll leave as soon Alex's sobered up a bit."

"And then, they'll come for them, you know? Swoon in like drones," Alex continued, shooing Dmitri away with impatient hand gestures.

"Sure," Merlin said, still sipping his beer.

The pub crowded up around them as the ones nearby closed and everyone straggled here for that last pint before closing it out for the night.

"I could do you, right now, I could-" Alex said and pushed closer to Merlin as someone passed behind him, and then didn't move away again. He was hot all along Merlin's front, and right there unlike people he was supposed to be with who were tromping about the world.

"Yeah?" Merlin glanced past Alex, tried to see if anyone was watching, then didn't really care that much, a bit fuzzy and muzzy around the edges, a bit drunk, a bunch of bits lonely.

"Wanna see what you got, turn me on so hard with your shoulders and arms and chest and then a sweet little pussy hidden underneath."

"You're too drunk, mate," Merlin said, even as his body arched into the touch of Alex's hand on his stomach just a little, just enough to feel something and feel someone want something about him, even if it was all the wrong stuff.

Alex slid his hand lower, fingers scrabbling across Merlin's fly and the inside of his thigh, and they could have it off right here. Alex shifted in, his cock chubbed up just a bit inside his jeans, as he rolled his hips against Merlin's thigh. Merlin missed having a cock to suck on, be fucked by, an arse to fuck with Elyan gone for another month on some stupid dream-fulfilling mission that only seemed to include Merlin in the margins if he slotted his dreams into the same column.

"Want to bury my face in your pussy," Alex muttered, words spit-wet as they rolled against the side of Merlin's neck.

"Not going to happen, my man," Merlin replied. As much as he wouldn't mind getting laid, he wasn't going to go with someone wanting to bury his dick in his pussy for the pussy's sake. He shifted Alex's fingers away and turned them around to leave Alex leaning against the wall, hands loosely by his side.

"I think you're pretty," Alex said, a bit of a whine in his voice as he grabbled for Merlin again but made no great effort when Merlin was far enough out of reach. "Haven't shagged in months. No. Weeks. Days. A long time."

"Hm," Merlin laughed. "I'll be back in a second, mate, yeah?" He walked to the bar and called a cab, then got Alex into it with a limited amount of groping and declarations of love and sent him off.

When he walked home he typed, _no hard feelings mate. you were pissed out of your mind_ and sent it to Alex's phone, certain he'd read it come morning and want to drown himself in his puke.

The flat was dark and cold and lonely when Merlin got back in. Elyan hadn't texted or emailed, probably because he was busy making his experiences. Merlin slipped into bed without the shower he'd need but with the porn he wanted, packy sliding off with the rest of his clothes. His clit was hard already, rubbing up against the blanket when it settled on top of him. Merlin reached down and stroked himself off slowly, imagining Alex's face down between his legs as he sucked him off, lips closed around his dick. The image shifted to Elyan before Merlin's came, dick twitching in his grip.

Merlin considered sending a text to himself. _You were pissed out of your mind, mate. Blame it on the alcohol._

When he saw Alex next, they both exchanged a look, a _fuck me now_ smile and Merlin had a drag of Alex's fag before they got back to work, putting that one down to need, alcohol and being fucked up and lonely.

***

Merlin slid deeper under the covers when Elyan began to move around then cussed when he half fell over some of Merlin's boxes that months later were still stacked in the corner.

"That you trying to be quiet?" Merlin said into the pillow and glimpsed past the blanket at the reflection of Elyan's back in the bathroom mirror.

"When did you bite me?" Elyan slid into bed next to Merlin again, burrowing deep under the covers until he was pressed to Merlin's side. Elyan dragged his knuckles down the line of Merlin's spine, and if Merlin could stay in this for a while, with them both home and the time to spend.

"I want to take you places," Elyan said, nuzzling into the back of Merlin's neck. "Paris, first, and Prague, for being off the beaten path a bit, and then I'll save the States for both of us to see together for the first time."

"Hm?" Merlin turned to face Elyan more fully, moved his fingers over Elyan's chest. "You know I have to take care of shit first, yeah? And then- I don't know."

"I won't live here forever." Elyan glanced at Merlin and back at the ceiling. "I _can't_ live here forever where everything is small and tight and sucks the air out of my lungs. I can't."

"Right." Merlin rolled onto his back as well and tried to envisage leaving this place and if any place would be less disastrous than Newcastle, if going to Sydney or New York or LA would make him happier than this.

"Every time I'm gone, and I come back, I can't wait to get on a plane and go again," Elyan said, quietly.

Merlin huffed half a laugh to cover up the tight feeling in his chest. "I got a letter from the surgeon. Ten months."

"For the first one."

Merlin nodded and while part of him was waiting for Elyan to come out and say something about sticking around 'til then and after, they both had their stashes of money for different purposes.

"Fuck," Elyan said. His fingers rubbed along Merlin's thigh. "I can't-" Elyan began and Merlin cut him off with a kiss, hard and fast, and then slid out of bed to go take a shower. Elyan didn't stop him.

***

Merlin browsed the site while he stuffed pizza into his mouth with his free hand. He scrolled down for the pictures, enlarged them, and squinted at the screen to make out better whether it was a botched job or if that was as good as it got. He had the telly on but wasn't watching. Elyan had texted him earlier, a premature goodnight because he'd be going out in Milan, a photo of something gorgeous attached that was a bunch of smudged colours and shadows and not much more.

More pizza and Merlin idly clicked his way through a few porn sites, then came back to the website with surgery results. He palmed his silicone dick in his briefs, pushed up into the touch and tried to imagine it being real, then tried to imagine never having that. He pulled up the chat in another tab and logged in.

 _and I'm just not sure_ appeared on the screen followed by _NeilM_ saying _That's perfectly normal. All of us start out there, questioning who we are and what we are_.

No _Seahorse_ , no _Fiddlediddle_ , no _moogee_ , and Merlin watched the conversation scroll past slowly.

 _Won't it fuck you up though? If you inject that stuff every few weeks? Doesn't it hurt?_

Merlin's fingers hovered on the keyboard for a few moments, then he grabbed the pizza, read along for a while longer.

 _Any of you have any thoughts on bottom surgery?_ he typed eventually during a lull in the conversation.

 _In general or...?_ NeilM replied.

 _read some guys talking about it  
jus curious if anyone has anything else to add  
surgery date's 7 months from now_

Merlin wanted to add more, then waited.

 _congrats!_ NeilM began.

 _just want a dick, mate_ Merlin typed and laughed at the row of LOLs and A+. Someone new came into the chat after with all the first questions and worries, and Merlin read along, not sure if he had much of his own to offer past the been there done that.

What he had in the bank would pay towards the time off he'd need to take. The letter from the hospital sat in his desk along with the few postcards Elyan wrote from his month-long trips.

***

"I've got an offer for a temp position," Elyan said. They were having toast for dinner because neither of them had bothered to buy anything.

"Hm?" Merlin nearly lost his ham to the floor and stuffed the whole slice into his mouth before he had some of the tea to wash it down, not entirely sure about the taste.

"I've got a temp position," Elyan repeated, as if Merlin hadn't heard him the first time. "In Australia."

Merlin stopped with the toast halfway to his mouth, then bit down and chewed slowly.

"I want you to come with," Elyan said, pushed around his toast on his plate.

"You're already decided on doing it then." Merlin didn't bother raising his voice to a question, there was no need to, not with Elyan's face and the way he wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I want you to come with," Elyan repeated and looked right at Merlin, pleading.

Merlin swallowed. "I don't like this toast," he said to say something, to not be forced into a reply. "You know what you're asking me to give up on, right?" he added after a moment.

Elyan nodded and glanced at the shelves of guides to every single country on this planet that he could spend hours in front of. Merlin missed the one that said Birmingham. Though to be fair, the city probably didn't even have a guide in print.

***

Lance and Percival had disappeared with the throng of people and Merlin gave up trying to find them again amidst the strobe light and gleaming bodies. The bass travelled through him from the floor, making his heart thump against his ribcage and beat out through it. Merlin made his way to the bar, scream-ordered a pint and leaned back to watch.

Most of the guys had their shirts off, dancing with their arms up, grinding and rubbing up against one another, hands finding belts and arses.

"Nervous?" a bloke asked, leaning in to yell it into Merlin's ear. His gaze slipped down Merlin's body, tracking from his face across his arms and down to his crotch. "You shouldn't be." The bloke winked at him and then took his drink and disappeared between groups of people.

Merlin stared after him, and then, when someone else caught his eyes from the dance floor, he figured he might as well go all in with his thing and stepped away from the bar, leaving his pint half-full behind. As soon as he stepped on, blokes were on every side of him, his shoulders knocking into backs, hands brushing against arses accidentally and then not.

He still felt stupid dancing, just shifted back and forth and tried to go with the rhythm of the bass, not look like a total dolt.

"You should take it off," a bloke whispered into his ear from behind him. His crotch was pressed to the curve of Merlin's arse, his cock hard. Before Merlin could much protest the bloke had grasped the hem of Merlin's shirt and pulled it upwards, and Merlin just lifted his arms and let him. "Nice." The bloke stuffed a corner of the shirt into Merlin's jeans, let the rest hang free and stepped in close again, his hands roaming up Merlin's chest.

Merlin laughed, a bit giddy and a bit elated and the beat of the music just making everything thump and click.

"Like your body," the bloke said. His slid his hand to Merlin's stomach and just a little past the waistband of Merlin's jeans before Merlin stopped him to grind back against him. "I'm good," the bloke said and they danced through one track and the next until he disappeared with a press of his lips to the back of Merlin's neck and a squeeze of Merlin's arse.

Merlin lifted his arms up and kept on dancing, eyes closed, and enjoying the fleeting touches to his body, feeling desirable without subclauses for maybe the first time.

***

"I'll be out of your hair, now would you piss off already?" Merlin said, receiver in hand as he nudged at Alex's knee. The office was in disarray and Merlin was leaned against the desk, tapping at the phone until Alex gave him a wave and sauntered out to get himself a tea or be an annoying arse to someone else.

Merlin took a deep breath and dialed the number, waited for the ring to go through.

"It's Merlin, hi, any chance I could get a hold of Geoffrey?"

The admin put him through and Merlin studied the filing cabinet with its loose sheets of paper stuck between folders

***

Merlin pulled on a t-shirt, and for that one crazy moment thought he could still go and do it, just throw everything into a suitcase, the one with the little wheels, and ignore the rest of his life existing somewhere as well. Elyan was stuffing the last bits and pieces into his backpack, some maps, some snacks, a bottle of water.

"Text when you land," Merlin said, voice sounding rough.

The flat already felt empty, most of Elyan's day-to-day stuff gone and packed, the wardrobe mostly empty, some of the shelves cleared off.

"Yeah," Elyan said. He had a sip of his tea, then set the cup into the sink. "I'll email when I've found something, and there'll be, I don't know, skype?" Elyan walked across to Merlin and pulled him in close by his shirt, buried his face against Merlin's shoulder and whispered, "I love you."

Merlin hugged him, held him tight as if that would make him stay and pressed a kiss to the side of his head, to his cheek, then his lips. "Have fun, yeah? You better have fun."

Elyan nodded as he pulled away and grabbed his stuff. "I'll see you," he said at the door, hesitated, turned to look at Merlin again and then turned again and walked out. His steps were loud in the corridor, the rest of the house still quiet before dawn. The front door opened, then fell into the lock.

Merlin drew his arms around himself, then pushed away from the wall and went to close the door to the flat, leaned against it. He was shivering, the kind of panic shakes that didn't go away with rubbing or heat. He went to make himself a tea anyway, what else was there to do, really.


	5. Arthur

Something heavy dropped into the bin outside and the lid clacked down hard on top of it. Merlin stared up at the ceiling, blinking the last bit of sleep and oncoming alcohol headache away.

"What's the time?" Toby, still half asleep next to him, asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Looks about 8?" Merlin fished for his boxers from the side of the bed, then dragged on a t-shirt as he padded to the bathroom. "You care for some coffee? Breakfast?" Merlin pushed his toes to the base of the toilet and took his dick out, pointed it at the bowl, then loosened his stance as he had the first piss of the morning. The flickering neon light made the scars on his arm and thigh stand out in stark red when they usually looked faded enough.

"Wouldn't mind a coffee," Toby said when Merlin walked back into the room. He was crouched on the other side of the bed, fishing for shoes and socks or whatnot. "Mind if I have a smoke?"

Merlin shook his head. "Open the window though, will you?" He tossed the old coffee grounds in the bin and started a new pot.

"Any plans for the weekend?" Toby asked from the window, rubbing still naked soles up his shin, toes flexing. He had boxers on, chest still naked and idly scratched his fingers down to his stomach.

"Sleep?" Merlin replied. "Meeting a few friends in a few hours? Percival? The big one who- yeah, him," Merlin finished when Toby nodded. "Worked long hours this week, happy to have a good dose of rest." Merlin tried to remember if anything else had been planned for the weekend, other than two glorious days off, but with the forecast set to rain none of their 'fucked if we know how to play rugby, let's toss the ball anyway' tag games were out.

"I'll see you at the gym though?" Toby took another drag from the cigarette, then stubbed it out on the sill and flicked it towards the bins.

"Probably." Merlin drummed his fingers against the work top. He was itching for a shower to get rid off the grit of sex and alcohol, sweat sticking to every part of him. "You want a shower? This will take a while. Scratch that, if you don't want one, I'm having it."

Toby smirked. "I'll take it. No need to stink up the train home."

"Your missus the jealous type then?" Merlin watched Toby.

"I'm a single pringle. As of 2 weeks ago," Toby said as he pushed past Merlin, shrugging out of his boxers on the way. "She said she found something better. Better than this?" Toby flexed his thin biceps, skin tight across his ribs and Merlin joined in with the chuckle. "She's kidding herself." He disappeared into the bathroom.

Merlin picked up around the place as the water was running, washed out the beer bottles perfunctorily and shoved blankets and pillows to the side to make the couch look at least halfway presentable. Early morning television didn't offer too much except for voices in the background but the first cup of coffee was exactly what he needed. Merlin nodded towards the coffee machine when Toby came out of the shower, naked and drying his hair.

"The best," he said as he joined Merlin on the sofa, and they watched the news in companiable silence for a few minutes. Merlin scratched at himself through the boxers, lube probably still drying somewhere. Murder, mayhem and politics were a bit of a tough swallow when sleep was still crusting Merlin's eyes.

"How much are you benching now?" Toby asked, glancing at Merlin's arms as Merlin walked about, looking for some clean clothes to wear.

Merlin snorted. "70 on a good day. Jake? You know Jake? He's trying to push me to 130, says it's no big deal, but the left's still giving me trouble." Merlin flexed his arm, the scar on the inside of his forearm bulging with the movement.

"That from- no, I'm not asking," Toby said with another sip of coffee.

"It's where my dick's from. Homegrown," Merlin replied anyway, smirking, and took great pleasure in watching Toby splutter coffee back into the cup. "Just means it's still not back on it with the strength. Bothers the fuck out of me when I strain it too much. Same with this." Merlin dragged up his boxers to show the scar on his thigh. His dick was dangling out, the scarring down the side and around the base still visible but not that gory anymore. He gave his balls a tug, laugehd when Toby chortled, and put his junk away again.

"Should sell it as a shark bite, mate. Lads would buy it and make you some kind of hero." Toby grinned and turned back to the telly, then whistled a few seconds later. "I'd love one of those." The Porsche on the screen spun away, dragging a dustcloud behind it. "Would put it in the garage and take it for a spin sundays, I'd think."

Merlin's mum kept on him to finally buy a car as if it was a car or a kid or a house to declare settled-and-independent on his tax form. Merlin nodded as he watched the Porsche take the laps at high speed.

"Train's out at 20 past," Toby said as he stood and stretched then started dressing. "Mate of mine's got a band." Toby pulled on his shoes and gave a nod to Merlin's guitars stashed in the corner, dust gathering in a thick layer on top. "They're always looking for someone."

"Doubt I even remember how to move my fingers on the neck," Merlin replied. The coffee burned down his throat as he chucked it too hot but he was getting himself a third cup just to have any hopes of waking up.

"I'll see you at the gym." Toby pulled on his hoodie and shouldered his backpack, squeezed Merlin's hip in passing and was out of the door.

Merlin sank back against the counter, shifted when the edge dug into his back uncomfortably and stared at the mess of his bed, the bottles of beer still on the coffee table.

 _Might be late by a few,_ he texted to Percival before he tossed the mobile on the bed and made his way, coffee in hand, to the bathroom. The response dinged in when he waited for the water to heat, probably either something dry like _ok_ or some more colourful allusion to a late night, too much beer and a shag.

Merlin set his cup on the sink and stepped into the shower.

***

Merlin was running late, too bloody late because trains cancelled for no reason was just par for the course, but back in the village no one cared if he was an hour late or early. The chickens craned their necks as he passed, clucking after him, and he shushed them with a quick gesture of his hand. He walked beside the road, kicking up some dust. Merlin nodded at a few people he passed but kept his head down otherwise. A few of the folks looked at him curiously, none of them recognising him as they might have years ago, and he was just a stranger walking about in their village.

Merlin knocked on his mum's door then pushed it open when no one answered. He left his backpack by the door and toed off his shoes.

"Mum?"

"Garden!" his mum called from the back of the house.

Merlin walked through the house stopped on the threshold, toes curling around the edge of the step. His mum turned, and for a split second her smile slipped a bit before she caught the surprise and adjusted. It still hurt, somewhere roundabout Merlin's heart where the mantra of _give her time_ and _you've had most of your life to get used to it_ didn't really reach.

"The train was late," he said as he stepped out into the grass, soft under his socks, and kissed her hello on the cheek.

She caught his chin with her fingers, rubbed over the stubble he hadn't shaved and looked at him like he was a particularly strange unicorn before she pulled him into a hug, then let him go. Her smile was all brave and a bit askew but trying and Merlin made space for that somewhere inside him.

"I was just finishing this," she said and gestured to the flowerbeds with somewhat unconventional choices that had Merlin bite his tongue before he slipped out with something rude.

"These will grow pretty big, you know," he said, nodding at the bellflowers. "They tend to spread if you're not after them. One month you're not looking and then half your garden's full with them."

"Oh, well..."

"There are a few easy ways to control them spreading though." Merlin cocked his head at the different flowers and bushes that sat in mild disarray in his mum's garden. "You could put a few lupines along the fence back there, and maybe have a small rock garden here." Merlin caught himself before rambling on. "Or you can just have whatever you want," he added under his mother's chuckling he was unable to resist joining in with.

"I'm sure it'd look beautiful, what you described," she said. "I'd like to see it."

"Sure." Merlin cleared his throat. "Sure, I can come by with a few plants, or we can have a drive around to the centre and pick things you like, and-" His heart was beating out that needy beat of wanting approval and wanting his mum to have something she could be proud of.

"I'd like that," she said, as she took off her gloves and walked ahead of him back to the house. "Don't think I've been cooking."

"Been up to Marks & Spencer's?"

She turned and winked at him and he laughed, letting himself relax into this just a little. He got the cutlery as she set the table, transferring food onto real plates.

"Where did you get that?" his mum asked and smudged her thumb along a scratch up his cheek.

"Branch," Merlin replied and cleared his throat when his voice, just that said of gravely made his mum's eyes widen for a moment. "Branch," he repeated, forcing his voice softer and his lips into a smile.

They'd never talked outright about it since the letter, but she smiled at him now and he didn't feel like bursting out of his skin anymore when he sat at this table, nor sick to his stomach remembering being sixteen and a bit of an idiot.

"Tell me you have dessert," he said as he dug in and chuckled along with her when she started to laugh.

***

"I've had a run yesterday," Merlin said as he stepped out into the open area, walking to one of the machines. "Made it all the way to the bridge before it started chucking it down and I tripped through puddles all the way home."

Merlin nodded to some of the other regulars at the gym as he arranged the weights, then lay flat on the bench. Lance was on his left, going for the first press.

"Bloody well won't be repeating it any other time this week," Merlin muttered with a glance to the rain splattering against the windows of the gym. Lance chuckled from across the aisle.

Merlin breathed deep and out again and hefted the weights, ignoring the burn on his forearm that kept him to lower weights than he'd like or left him to only working out his right arm which looked shit and would fuck with his back. He worked through the reps and pauses steadily then switched machines to work shoulders, then a few reps on dumbells and some thigh strengthening he hated but couldn't not do.

He was sweat-drenched by the end of it and still beat Lance to the shower by a good twenty minutes.

"Been munching Percival's protein powder?" Merlin let his eyes slide over Lance's arms when Lance stepped out of the shower, and got a towel in the face for his trouble.

"Percival asked to ask you if you're still in with the youth centre, the open day event?"

Merlin pulled on socks and trainers, buried his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. "Forgot about that, but sure, it's next week sometime? He owes me a couple of pints for that one for sure."

"He just wants to use you for your muscles," Lance gave back. "Be happy."

"Jealous?"

Lance laughed. "You still owe us dinner for that bit of painting action last _year_ ," he replied and Merlin groaned and tossed one of the sweaty towels at him. "I've got a list of debts in my drawer." He paused. "Are you working overtime again this weekend or will you be by Saturday?"

"Probably working. Trying to get shit done before the weather turns rubbish again." Merlin's muscles were twitching already in joyful anticipation.

***

"Not sure if that would be a good thing either." Merlin laughed and pushed the plate of chips back across the table. "They'd rise up like giants and kill the town, just smash it up to shits."

"Killer spiders, I wonder if they could waddle about on two legs," Dmitri said, then got half off his chair to demonstrate toddling about, nearly toppling his pint.

So the film had been a bit shit but favourable to spending the Saturday in front of the television or watching porn, maybe doing the laundry if Merlin felt like he had entirely too much time on his hands, or the gym if he could be bothered. Certainly favourable to the long weekends working his bloody arse off and too many nights waiting for a relationship to drop into his lap and feel comfortable and right again.

"The fight scene was pretty ace though," Merlin said, stealing another chip.

"Missed it. Was for a piss, I think," Jake said, stretching before he got up. "My missus will be giving me hell if I don't bolt, lads. I'll see you Monday." He grabbed his jacket and gave them a wave, grabbing a handful of chips on the way out.

"Doing anything tomorrow?" Jon asked, nudging Merlin under the table. "Seeing anyone?"

Merlin grimaced, the memory of Ty still too fresh on his mind. Ty who went for 'real cock' like all the other stupid arses hanging in the gay bars. "Bad times," Merlin said, shrugged. "Not too bad, just... you know the type." The chips were cold mush. "I'll catch the game on the Sky, probably. Make some chili."

"Sounds like a good time to me," Dmitri said, tapping his fingers in time with the music playing over the speakers.

"The best," Merlin replied. "Having a right good game day. Get you another?" Merlin gestured to the glasses and gave them the thumbs-up when they both nodded. He took a detour past the loos, stalls scrawled with bathroom graffiti and then rounded back to the bar.

"One lager, two bitters," Merlin said once he'd squeezed through to the front, counting out the notes from his wallet.

The girl behind the bar motioned him a few moments to wait and Merlin nodded, turning to look back at the projection screen pulled down and the game playing out. Leeds had the lead, and amidst the hurt at the memories that one caused there was bit of the nice memories there as well.

The crowd was the usual one for a weekend, a bit off the path so the occasional poor sod who'd want to visit the city wouldn't find his way here. Then Merlin saw Arthur. He had his beer balanced against his thigh as he was watching the game, leaned against the bar, idly scratching his fingernails down the front of his shirt before he brought his hand to his mouth and bit at his nails, then dropped his hand again and drank from his beer.

"That'll be fifteen, love," the girl from behind the bar said, and Merlin paid her, not even really looking at her as she pushed the beer at him.

Arthur laughed along with the rest of the lads in the pub when one of the Leeds boys went tits over arse on the pitch.

"Move it, mate," someone said behind Merlin and Merlin tore himself from staring at Arthur to taking the beers and carrying them back to the table. He'd been hot at seventeen, he was hotter now, a good ten years later.

"He's just well shit, that one," Jon said, pointing at the big screen.

Merlin settled back in his chair but his back was to the room and the screen and he caught himself looking over his shoulder, cataloguing the lines in Arthur's face, the shape of his body, his fingers on the glass, before he turned back to his own beer and gave the game a few cursory glances. He wasn't seventeen anymore, and neither was Arthur, but touching Arthur's cock for the first time, undressing for another bloke for the first time, their stupid times in bed together - all that came flooding back like snapshots from a life a long time past, tits and pussy and all. The rest of it, bullshit fights and Merlin just needing everthing, that lurked around there too.

"That's how it's done!" Jon shouted at the screen, fistpumping, and both Merlin and Dmitri snorted into their pints, toasting one another.

When Merlin looked back over his shoulder Arthur was staring at their table, lips quirked in amusement, before he turned back to the game himself, still smiling.

"Back in a minute," Merlin said as he rose from his chair, let himself be pushed out of the way by Jon. "Cheers, mate, feeling the love," Merlin said and took his pint, laughing when John craned his neck about to see the screen.

Merlin crossed the pub back to the bar and dallied in the throng of people waiting to be served for a while, the push and go momentum from a few moments ago gone as he looked at Arthur and felt a bit foolish for being impulsive enough that this seemed like a good idea.

"Hey," Merlin said as he stepped up closer to Arthur, set his beer on the bar.

"Hm?" Arthur quirked an eyebrow at him, then glanced back at the game before looking right back at Merlin.

Merlin hesitated, then smiled. "It's Merlin," he said, shrugged, scratched his thumbnail up the side of the glass as the pub erupted into a mixture of cheers and boos, a few fellas clapping their hands. Merlin thought he should probably add more, some kind of awkward laugh to make this flow a bit better but Arthur's face was already morphing from curiosity to confusion to the penny dropping.

Arthur blew out a breath with a small laugh, eyes tracking down Merlin's body, crinkling as they searched his face, cataloguing everything about him it seemed, pausing at the scar on the inside of Merlin's forearm, eyebrows raised but not asking. Then he looked back up at Merlin's face.

"I was over there, saw you," Merlin said, gesturing to the table where Dmitri and Jon were shouting at the screen, gesticulating wildly. "Had to come at least say hello after, shit, too many years."

"I never would have-" Arthur started, caught himself. "I never would have thought I'd see you here again, of all places."

"Small world." Merlin grinned and took a sip from his beer. "Can't say I didn't think the same though. I thought you'd left this pisspoor place behind. London, last I know."

The memories of that hurt, they still hurt now, but they were a bit dulled by time and growing the fuck up and growing some balls, rather literally.

"I have." Arthur smiled, rueful as he took a healthy swig from his glass. "Visiting Dad, and then I had a few hours to kill before the train back."

"Killing it with a pint and a game?" Merlin grinned, unable to stop from watching Arthur move, talk, the familiar quirk to his smile and the more careful flitter of his eyes between the game and Merlin. His dumb blond hair still hung into his eyes like he was trying out for some boyband.

"Pretty much." Arthur groaned at a missed chance in the last few minutes of the game, then fully turned towards Merlin. "You live in the area?"

Merlin nodded. "Got stuck here, really, I'm not complaining though." He paused. "So your dad's still here, and you're still in London."

"I only try to make it back here when he fusses about the house or me never showing my face which comes in, well, spurts." Arthur drank from his beer. "He hasn't changed much."

"He still live out in-"

"Yup. I keep waiting for him to give in and sell for a profit since he can't get off _my_ case to invest in a flat and be smart about something in my life."

The post-game reports were ongoing, interviews with players, and Merlin watched for a moment, grimacing at the poor explanations for failing on all counts.

"Funny though, to see you here," Arthur said after a moment. "Good to see you here," he corrected. "Freaky," he said a bit softer, swallowing through a flicker of sadness, lips twitching down before he caught himself and gave a laugh as he leaned against the bar and just looked at Merlin. "I thought it had been one of those you know, meet someone at some point of your life, move on, never see them again things."

"Yeah." Merlin lifted the glass to his lips again and only belatedly realized he'd drained it already. He flushed, tipped his nails to the glass again. "Get you another?" he asked with a nod to Arthur's near empty glass.

"Love to but-" Arthur glanced at his watch. "I'll have to catch that train or my flat's going to be utterly wrecked. Let me give you my number-" Arthur produced a pen and scribbled his number on the upper edge of the paper he'd had stuck in his bag. "I'm in the city often enough, we should find some time to catch up proper."

"I'll call, you know," Merlin said, playing with the edge of the torn paper. "I'll call and you better pick up."

Arthur started, and with the flicker of pain in Merlin's chest there was corresponding guilt on Arthur's face. "I hope you will," Arthur said. He grabbed his things, drained the last of his beer. "I hate to run now but good to see you again, Merlin." His eyes flickered down Merlin's body and up to his face again, and Merlin fought not to fidget and when Arthur's eyes met his again Merlin grinned and Arthur flushed, now looking all of seventeen again like the first time they met and stared at each other's crotches, then laughed. "Call, yeah?" He grabbed his stuff and walked out of the pub, glancing back over his shoulder.

Enough of the kid from years ago was in his gait, enough that was different as well to make Merlin turn the piece of paper over and around in his hand.

"Taking long enough there, mate," Dmitri said as he nudged Merlin's side and called for the bartender.

"No kidding," Merlin replied and pocketed the number. He wasn't sure how big his grudge was at how things had ended, but it wasn't big enough to dull the surge of excitement that lingered for the rest of the night.

***

The rain came down steadily. Merlin wedged the phone into his hood. "I'm standing in the giant puddle that turned out to be a pre-installed lake. I'm not making it up for fancy words, just check the map and mark ups again they gave to us."

Alex cursed on the other end, annoyed with Merlin and annoyed with having to man the office, more than likely.

The team leaders, idly chatting and puffing on fags, stared at Merlin in his wellies as the clock ticked down.

"Maybe we're supposed to dry it out and plant over it but that takes a shitload more soil than we accounted for," Merlin said into Alex's paperpushing silence. "Maybe it's-"

"Right, the south-east corner of the park, right? It's in one copy of the maps we got but not the other. Assume we're just supposed to clean it up."

"All right. Would have been nice to know before one of the lads had stepped into the overgrown mess."

"Don't blame me, blame the system," Alex gave back and hung up before Merlin could find the right swear words. They understood one another most of the time, Alex and he, now that Geoffrey had moved the headoffice to London and left them to muck about in the west by themselves.

"The lake's a lake," Merlin said. "So Sian and Jake, I'll switch you to weed it out and clean it up and Dmitri, take your lads up further along the fence. Four hours, get to it." Merlin stood back and watched them, then took his own team further into the park to clear the underbush.

"Wish the pissing rain would stop at least," one of the lads said.

"Quit complaining, we got the trees," one of the others shouted acrosss.

"Blimmin' trees can go get lost as well."

Merlin snorted and ducked down into work, sweat building up under his jacket, humid, wet ick clinging to his skin. He'd give it an hour before he'd have to tell the boys it'd be a late one if they wanted it done on time. No time to dawdle and no time to think, muscles aching pleasantly with strain, that's why he'd never be more glad to have turned down Geoffrey's idea of more uni.

The rain splashed into his face and Merlin smiled through it.

***

 _Brilliant! Enjoyed the surf this morning. Met a few Brits and commiserated over lack of good football and rubbish food. I think you'd love it. Hope you'll get the chance to see it someday. Anyway, off to make some money so I can stay a few days longer. Elyan_

The Sydney skyline on the front of the card made Merlin wistful enough that he turned the card around and around again before he set it back with Elyan's stuff still on the dresser, a few photos of the two of them amidst Elyan's collected junk and bits, ebay finds from faraway places.

The potatoes were still too hot and burned his mouth but Merlin shoved them in anyway as he settled on the sofa. He started half watching some BBC3 documentary that made him cringe, half scrolling through his Facebook and various forums. Percival had posted a photo of their new wardrobe, proudly put together and the in-progress pictures of Lance flipping off the camera. _Look at all that love thrown at me,_ Percival's comment read.

Merlin typed, _You still owe me dinner, you gits. Nice job though._

Arthur's number sat in the middle of the table, and after Merlin had killed enough time he searched for Arthur's Facebook. Merlin hadn't looked at it since Arthur's partying pictures in London, gay flag proudly displayed over everything. Now his profile was locked down to the bare minimum, a neutral half-profile pic of Arthur grinning at someone, Sex: Male and little else. The _Add Friend_ button was staring at Merlin as he scrolled through Arthur's list of a thousand-odd friends, trying to find someone he might know or anything to give an indication of who Arthur was.

His own profile of 43 friends and the last status update from 10 months ago probably didn't say much at all.

 _Anyone else doing nothing for New Year's? Just me then_ had Elyan's _Come to NYC. You know I'd be waiting_ underneath.

Merlin stopped his button hovering and reached for his mobile instead, punched in Arthur's number as he read name upon name and tried to figure out how gay Arthur's list of friends was, how many party photos they had and how little Merlin likely measured up to any of them.

The phone rang a few times, and Merlin had his lips pursed for disappointment, then Arthur's breathless, "Yes?" followed by, "Ah fuck. Come on, stay there, yeah?" followed by, "Sorry. Hi?" came on the line.

"It's Merlin, hi. You ok to talk there?"

Arthur laughed over the phone. "Most definitely, bit chaotic here but yeah, I'm glad you called you know."

"I said I would. You picked up."

Nothing for a while then, "I said I would."

Static hovered between them until Merlin closed his eyes. "That's all I- fuck- it's been years." He laughed and tried to remember who he had been, with all his faults and hang-ups, and who Arthur had been.

"That it has. Crazy."

Merlin muted the telly and pushed the laptop away as he settled back on the sofa, just watched the silent people move and shout and on the screen.

"What are the chances of me running into you, really," Arthur said. "So you're still in Birmingham..."

"Yeah, been for years now," Merlin replied. "Figures we wouldn't have run into each other before now, destiny or some shit."

Arthur hm-hmed and shuffled things around. "Gosh, where do you start with things like this? Wait, let me- so you work in Birmingham now?"

"Yeah, I-" Merlin picked at a loose thread of the sofa. "This is going to be a tale of ongoing failure, I guess, but I dropped out of uni and got a job. No surprise, I suppose. You?"

"Doing student support slash counselling slash bloody hell uni is overwhelming help which is, well, ironic, I guess."

Merlin groaned as he leaned back against the sofa, laughed. "Sure is. I'm working in landscaping. It's good. Makes me happier than school would have ever done, I think, I don't know, I just had to get out at the time." Merlin got up and got himself a beer from the fridge. "Sounds like a good job for you though. I remember you riding my arse about my grades."

"Darn right that is." Arthur gave a small laugh. "I'd forgotten about that, I must have been such a bastard, but yes, it's good fun, meet a lot of interesting people, meet a lot of people full stop, just people really, you learn awfully fast that you're a dick too often about things when someone looks at you with the big wide-eyed look of the just-turned-eighteen who is in over their head."

"Yeah." Merlin fell quiet, listened to Arthur's rummaging on the other end of the line.

"Awkward, isn't it?" Arthur replied back after another pause.

"When I saw you last I-" Merlin began, then stopped himself. "Fuck, you were everything, you know, and then you were gone."

Arthur must have sat down, the background sounds had all but died. "I've been wondering how you'd be... after. Percival rang me, you know, chewed me out something fierce. After."

Merlin gave a small laugh. "He never told me. Wow. I still hang with them, you know, Percival and Lance. Remember how we looked at them when they'd been together, I don't know, six months and it felt like a bloody lifetime. Was a bloody lifetime."

"They're still together then?"

"Yeah, well and kicking and we meet every few weeks for a curry and film night and just kicking shit." Merlin grinned. "Percival would beat down your door if he knew we were talking. I knew he was pissed but I never thought he'd hunt you down."

"He had a point," Arthur said, voice a bit scratchy.

"Not really." Merlin shook his head, then cleared his throat. "We were both, I don't know, fuck, I didn't know what I was doing and you-"

"I had no clue." Arthur rummaged about then settled again. "I thought I was going through the most important months of my life. What a load of bollocks. What are you doing otherwise? Besides work?"

"Not much." Merlin drew his knees up to his chest, feet on the sofa. "Meeting with friends for a kick about in the park, going to the gym, the pub after. You?"

"Just work, a few friends, cat, happy to not see anyone if I don't have to."

"Doubt it."

Arthur laughed. "Yeah, you're right, it's not all that dramatic. Maybe I need a hobby."

Merlin fidgeted on the couch, browsing through the list of friends on Arthur's Facebook. "Seeing anyone?"

Arthur cleared his throat. "Not at the moment. You?"

Merlin listened to Arthur breathing down the end of the line, swallowed down any of the nervous energy hiding in his stomach. "Neither." The silence after stretched until Merlin chuckled and Arthur laughed. "Right, more awkward right there."

"Maybe." Arthur caught himself again. "So- landscaping? What do you do exactly then?"

***

The day had been shit, wet and cold enough with some ridiculous arguments among the lads that had set morale low, and Merlin was still feeling his way back into the group after he'd been out for enough weeks, just now getting comfortable with all the new guys.

Merlin rested his head against the shower stall wall in his flat, the warm water sliding from his hair down his back, his stall steamed up nicely.

He slid a hand from his chest down to his cock, spread his legs a little more as he glanced down his body through the steam. He dragged his thumb along the length of it, the scars as faded as they were likely to get around the base and down the underside. He cupped his balls with his other hand, felt for the pump and gave it a squeeze, moaning when his cock filled and nerves sizzled in all the good ways. He circled his thumb around the scarring at the base, where everything stood out a bit abrupt and sudden, but this was his.

Lips open just enough to taste the water and breathe through it, Merlin began to stroke himself, thumb following the scar at the base of his cock to the tip, his pissslit, arousal following as his body caught up with his touch, settling low and warm inside him. He bucked into his touch, arousal clenching in his stomach as he reached back for some shampoo, liberally slathered it over his dick, and laughed when his hand squished through the slick on the next stroke. His hips got into the motion easily. He pumped his cock up just a little more, made it hard and easier to stroke, easier to get himself off on, ready to fuck something even if it was only his hand and feel the tight heat around him. He kept his fingers curled around the underside, just his pinky pressing against that one extra sensitive spot, while he rubbed his thumb along the side, then rubbed the palm of his other hand across his cockhead like in the porn he watched over and over and over again.

When he closed his eyes like this, hands around his cock, he waited to wake up and look down and find it gone again, like in the countless fantasies over the years. When he opened them, his cock sat in his palm, all proud and hard and his.

He closed his eyes and thought of an arse to fuck, any arse, Arthur's maybe, how he'd be able to fuck into him without dildos, how he'd be able to feel every bit of it. Merlin tightened his grip, thighs tensing to push him into his own hand and get him there, keep him there.

Arthur could suck on this, if he wanted, for hours, could take it into his mouth and Merlin would feel it, heat along every last inch of it as Arthur took it all the way into his mouth. Arthur, if he wanted, if he was still the same Arthur who still wanted the same things, Arthur could have all of this and not just the plastic dicks.

Merlin jerked himself harder and faster, ignored the water splashing about with his movements. His cock was hot in his hand, hot and heavy and hard and so very fucking real. He thrust a few more times, going up on his toes and pressing his chest against the showerwall as he fucked into his hand, arse clenching, and came, pressed as hard into his grip as he could be as the orgasm slid through him, cock and balls and everything in his lower half pulsing with warmth and sex.

"Fuck," Merlin said, as he stroked himself one more time, jittering through it, then deflated his cock until it hung limp between his legs just past his balls. He scratched his fingers through his pubes and exhaled against the glass of his stall, shuddering as his hips gave another twitch.

Even if Arthur didn't want it, nothing could take this from him. When he toweled himself dry he couldn't help but smile stupidly at the way his cock bounced against his thigh, the weight of it where something had been missing.

***

"You're still reading that shit?" Merlin laughed as he scrolled through Arthur's wall, trying to find the post Arthur had said he had to read and share a laugh over whatever his mate had said in reply. "It was well shit ten years ago and it's still well shit now."

"Are you still watching the same stupid films?" Arthur gave back, and Merlin interrupted him, laughing, before he could list them all.

They'd fallen into a routine to talk a few times a week, more than Merlin talked to Percival and Lance, more than he talked or even emailed with Elyan. It was comfortable like old times before things had fallen apart, when they'd sat on beds and talked about nothing for hours, and still just a little out of reach the hint of something else.

"Remember the time when you stayed over and my father walked in on us? That film you'd begged me to watch was still running and it was full of random explosions and people making daft speeches."

"I'm into those," Merlin replied. "Sucker for daft speeches. I only remember being mortified, and naked, and you were naked and he looked like the image would stay with him for the rest of his life." Merlin chuckled. "He probably still has nightmares from it now."

"I think there's other things in those." Arthur moved around and then settled somewhere, cutlery clinking on a plate or a against a cup, then he talked through a full mouth. "Honest to God, I think he's still surprised I've got a regular job and didn't end up cagefighting or dead on the streets."

"I'm surprised you didn't." Merlin cut himself off when all sound on Arthur's side of the phone stopped. "Sorry. Harsh."

"Yeah."

"I think you scared me sometimes, back then, and then I didn't know if you were right and if that should've been me instead of me walking away every time and... You looked so brave though, so confident about it all. That's what I wanted to be." Merlin huffed. "And you wanted me and I never got why."

"My father thought I was throwing away my life with the fights."

"You were."

"Yeah," Arthur replied, a bit faint.

"I work with tough shit, blokes who'd get themselves beaten bloody for a laugh after a game. Good guys, just a bit fucked up, and I'd trust them to come out of it. It's not all just black and white and easy judgments." Merlin pictured Arthur in his kitchen or his room or somewhere, eating, listening, hair falling into his face as he stared straight ahead, like he did, trying hard to look so cool, like he did, and he wanted to reach over and brush that hair away and give him enough of a nudge to snap him out of it. "It's the past though, all that shit you did, it's gone and done?"

"God yeah." Arthur snorted, inhaled uneasily. "My knuckles are baby soft now." Arthur paused. "When we stopped seeing each other, I think it just did things in my head."

"You weren't the only one who fucked up." Merlin hesitated. "You fucked up more than me, obviously," he added, deliberately teasing, and if they were in a room and there were pillows he knew he'd have one right in his face right then.

***

The music was obnoxious, bordering on nearly too much, but Merlin was doing a good enough job already talking himself into a state of nervousness which blocked out the thumping of the bass. Phone calls were one thing, as many as they'd had for the last few weeks, but the impression from that one chance meeting had faded and just staying on the phone with Arthur for hours talking shit about random stuff didn't really compare. Easy to imagine that he'd not measure up to whatever fantasy ideal Arthur remembered from before, with breasts and girl bits. Harder to imagine that Arthur wouldn't live up to the bloke Merlin remembered.

"I hope you've not been waiting long," Arthur said into Merlin's ear, hand on Merlin's shoulder before he slipped around to sit opposite him. "Are you having steak? I'm having steak."

"Beer, so far," Merlin replied, tipping his glass towards Arthur.

" _That_ sounds terrific. Give me a moment." Arthur pushed off the chair again he'd just sat down on and made his way to the bar. "Desperate for one," he said with a grin over his shoulder.

The nervous tension seeped from Merlin with Arthur's attempt at calm and relaxed that was more glucking chicken then succesful. Merlin chuckled into his drink and watched Arthur from the corner of his eyes.

"Better now," Arthur said as he sat back down with his beer, top two buttons of his shirt undone, hair slicked back a little from his face and curling back towards his forehead. "Sorry for being late, the train got in delayed and left even later. It's London."

"It's fine." Merlin shrugged. Last time he'd been to London was for a meeting and he'd walked through SoHo, trying to remember why he'd thought he'd needed all that to be happy when he'd been just a kid figuring things out. London wasn't all that, really. "Literally just walked in myself. I was at work out in Handsworth until an hour ago, been pissing all day." He gestured at his hastily thrown on shirt, his ratty jeans.

"Very you," Arthur said, nodding at Merlin's chest and the popart print on his shirt.

"Is it?" Merlin glanced down himself and shrugged. "You're getting the steak?" When Arthur nodded Merlin walked to the bar to order, getting some fish and chips for himself, peas on the side. Arthur was cataloguing the pub, a bit scaled down and basic compared to the inner city haunts, but Merlin liked the lads here and the girls working the bar. One of them nodded at Arthur and winked at him, and he balled up his bill and flicked it at her.

Arthur was watching him when he walked back to the table, smile on his lips and the jeans felt even more rattty and the cut of his own mouth a tad too rough as Merlin settled again and pulled his beer closer, hanging on.

"I thought I might not make it. One of the students has been literally camped outside my office for a week, something to do with transfers and transcripts and the system, and I thought I'd have to drag him along for a date for three."

"Date?" Merlin's heart thumped a bit because he hadn't quite thought that far and he tried laughing it off but Arthur didn't join in with the laughter only glanced back at him.

"Too much?" Arthur asked, but nodded when Merlin shook his head.

"It's fine." Merlin drank from his beer again. "Your father's not going to worry himself sick if you show up three hours late tonight?"

Arthur spluttered. "Good one, yes, he'll be heartbroken and sitting by the window. I think he's had this chart of approval ratings for everyone I ever introduced to him taped to the fridge so he doesn't forget if he has to be nice to them or not."

"I just remember him poking his head out through the kitchen door, eyeing both of us and, man, he must have been so fucking confused by me, everyone was at the time. I was confused by me." Merlin shook his head.

"I'm not sure I ever was, not confused, intrigued, I suppose, and..." Arthur trailed off. "I don't know. Infatuated and stupidly, hopelessly in love." Arthur trailed off, practically choked on his words, hands jittering about in a nice imitation of everything Merlin felt inside. "And then I didn't know what to do with it all."

Merlin felt his eyes on him even when he'd averted his own, playing with the chips as one of the girls set his plate down in front of him. "You ever wanted to shag one of your students?" Merlin asked to say something that wasn't stuck on stupidly, hopelessly in love and Arthur's posh London romantic notions that scratched at Merlin just enough.

"Who wouldn't. Not that I have," Arthur said, hands lifted with knife and fork in his hand, placating.

"Not for lack of offers."

"Not for lack of offers, no." Arthur laughed. "From blokes and girls."

"Of course."

"But never no, my last boyfriend was in construction, the one before that worked in one of the nail places and queened it up Saturday nights around the clubs in London." Arthur rolled his eyes. "The girl before that worked for Barclays and we played respectable couple for a while until I started missing my nights out a bit too much and she was angling for a wedding." Arthur paused, chewed his steak and chips. "All of that's been a while though. I've got a bit tired of other people in my space."

"Your flat, it's right in London then..."

"Yeah. I went to uni with one the blokes I'm sharing with. He's playing teaboy for the Independent and hoping for the big In at some point soon. The other's keeping afloat with various jobs while trying to make it as an actor. That's London for you. It's better out here, isn't it, renting?"

"Ground floor flat that's just me. Was Elyan's before." Merlin drew circles into his peas.

"How long's he been gone?"

"Months now, probably closer to a year. Last I know he was in Australia again." Merlin glanced across the table at Arthur, determined to ignore that small pang of unease and heartache that still lingered. "He sends postcards, stopped saying the sweet shit, just how the weather is and the people he meets. It's interesting for him, I figure."

"Bad break up?"

"No. It makes it worse? He wanted to go off and I didn't, then. Or now. I got the flat out of it so it's not a bad deal."

Arthur kept looking at him, searching, but then he dropped it with a shrug and they moved on to talk Birmingham and what had changed in the years since.

"Dmitri lives out in the new developments past the railroads - I work with him - anyway, he lives all the way out there and it's nice, he says, your typical new neighbourhood with the flowers and the happy families."

Arthur nodded. "I remember when it was all fields and chickens and whatnot out back there. Do you ever do any work on just houses and private gardens? Could I hire you if I had a garden?"

"You wouldn't." Merlin had the last of his beer. "Community and commercial for the most part, few schools, lot of parks, some public recreational areas, everything along New Street is usually us."

Two more beers in Arthur was going on about the queenie nail boyfriend and his annoying habits of always leaving all his clothes mixed up with Arthur's work shirts and practically moving in to Arthur's tiny hole of a flat after the second shag.

"He was a nightmare. Obsessed. Used to ring me at any point during the night asking if he could come over. My flatmates declared the kitchen a Liam-free zone, so then he got pissed off at _me_ and how I was just using him for his amazing blowjob abilities, which, to be frank, weren't all that great and we had a row and he pissed off and I still have some of his sparkly girl tops. Well, the cat has them now."

Merlin laughed along with Arthur, their shoes touching under the table.

"The last bloke I was with, Mark, that was after Elyan, he was the biggest slut. He'd be out in a club pretty much every day and then whinge at me for being a shit excuse for a boyfriend what with the staying in. He came on to Percival in one of the clubs and tried to have it off with him in the loos and that was that."

"Nice." Arthur was chuckling, sipping from his beer. "Sounds like one hell of a catch."

They paused into quiet for a few moments, and Merlin nodded along to the song playing (far less obnoxious now) for a couple of beats.

"Are you happier now?"

Merlin glanced back at Arthur, the serious twist to Arthur's mouth and the intent expression on his face as he rested his chin on his hand and looked across the table at Merlin.

"You seem happier," Arthur added after a moment.

"You've no idea," Merlin replied and smiled down at the table before looking back at Arthur. "There's no words for how different it is." No words either for how much Merlin felt the seventeen year old guy with his first serious crush again, either.

***

"What's he doing then?" Percival sorted through the assortment of cheeses in the fridge, then tossed a few peppers for Merlin to cut up.

"Working for a university, in London." Merlin grabbed a knife from the drawer and begin to cut the peppers length wise for the stir fry. He tended to cut his fingers bloody with this kind of stuff. Give him a chainsaw and he'd kill it - clearly he preferred things a bit bigger. "How many of these do you need?"

"Make it three. Three? Lance?"

Lance affirmative-sounded from across the kitchen where he was cutting up onions and crying big baby tears over them.

Merlin took a sip from his coke, then bent down to cut the peppers into tiny stripes again. "He's single," he said. He paused, then cut up the next half.

"Right," Percival replied and glanced up from his chicken and beef. "Are you seeing each other again?"

The last pepper jumped off the work top to the floor and Merlin went to rinse it off in the sink as he tried to think of an appropriate answer about the vague non-dating thing he and Arthur were doing. "I had it off with a bloke the other week."

"Who wasn't Arthur?"

"Yeah, who wasn't Arthur." Merlin scraped the peppers into Lance's bowl of random stuff and leaned against the counter, watching Percival fry up the meat. "We've been talking, that's all. His dad still lives in Brum." Merlin took one of the forks and poked at the veggies in the pan, the line of conversation entirely too uncomfortable. "You sure this is enough for all of us?"

"With all you've chopped it is," Percival replied.

Merlin moved around both of them to poke at the rice. "Did you catch the game on Sunday? So close, they almost had it there."

"You're still rooting for Leeds?" The vegetables sizzled as Lance tossed them in the wok and swirled them around.

"So?"

"Just funny, is all."

"There's enough blokes from Leeds still working for us to make it the least painful option." Merlin rolled his eyes. Not rooting for Leeds wouldn't make his collection of Elyan's postcards from all over the world any smaller on his dresser. "Whatever happened to the kid you were trying to place? The one from all the way down Cornwall ways."

Percival watched, then stirred as Lance poured the vegetables in with the meat, tossing bits and pieces about thoroughly. "We're still waiting for the final word on that. No telling yet when it could still go either way."

***

Arthur jumped across a puddle, then turned and jogged backwards. "And I told her that as much as I understood the difficulties she was having with the pure idea of math, she'd still have to go to the tutorials if she wanted to continue studying business, and she looked back at me with these blue eyes and said, 'But Mr Pendragon, I'm doing Dance.' So that was my day, pretty much."

Merlin grinned. "Glad it's the weekend then, I bet?"

"You've no idea. No plans but to just- well, help out my dad with the patio, pretty much." Arthur snorted and slowed to let Merlin catch up with him again. "Tell me your day was better."

Merlin glanced at the sky. "Once it had stopped raining." Arthur's hair was damp with it from London still, and Merlin's jacket was sodding, and to be fair, he couldn't wait to get that off at least. "Just did a lot of mowing today, not too exciting. Argued with Britton - Alex - over the orders for new tools and that it'd make sense to have a back-up chainsaw, but he's turning into this office watchdog, it's quite funny." Merlin nodded at the next crossing. "Left there and then the third house."

The row of Victorian houses didn't look like much and certainly looked nothing like Arthur's posh flat probably did. The small front garden areas were lined with bin bags and loose litter for the most part, a few dead plants a certain highlight already.

"This one, yup," Merlin said when Arthur stepped and let him pass to unlock the front door. "I didn't clean up. I didn't think you'd, well, I haven't changed that much?"

Arthur's chuckle was close to Merlin's ear, breathy and warm, and Arthur was right there, hand on the small of Merlin's back before Merlin got the door to the flat open and hit the light switch.

Merlin's laundry still sat in a basket behind the sofa, the bed unmade and the dishes were stacked in the sink and on the available counterspace. The door to the bathroom was half open, showing enough of the towel nest on the floor that Merlin flushed and just gestured at the room with a flourish of his hand.

Arthur brushed past Merlin and shrugged out of his soaked jacket and left it on the hook. Merlin did the same, watching Arthur walk further into the room and explore, not at all shy about skimming his fingers over the stuff on the dresser, the postcards there, his guitars stacked in a corner.

"Do you still play?"

"God, no." Merlin shook his head. "Probably couldn't write a song now if I tried. Not that that would be a big loss."

"I liked it," Arthur said.

"Bloody well blinded by love, you were," Merlin gave back and didn't take it back as Arthur startled, and then just nodded.

"Good taste," he replied and left Merlin to roll his eyes. "This yours?" he asked over his shoulder and pointed at the American flag on the wall where it spanned from tv set to bathroom. The miniature New York City skyline on the dresser underneath.

"Elyan's," Merlin replied. "Most of the stuff in the dresser is his still. "Photo albums and things he brought from home."

Arthur made to flick through the postcards but then left them and turned towards Merlin. "I thought it's been, what, over a year now?"

Merlin shrugged. "He had no space for it in his backpack." Merlin left Arthur to his explorations. "You care for some tea? Fucking freezing, me."

At Arthur's nod Merlin set some water to boil and moved about the flat trying to clean up most of the mess and at least make sure his dirty boxers and towels and sweaty shirts were all in a pile in a corner.

"Are you waiting for him to come back?" Arthur asked, watching the water boil, then watching Merlin pour it into cups. "Because that's fine if you are and I'll just back off now."

Arthur's face was mostly in the shadows, a bit of green lighting from the fridge LED shimmying over his cheek. Merlin's palms got clammy and he wrapped a hand around his cup instead, catching the drip of tea down the string and tag on his thumb and rubbed a long line around the rim of the cup.

"Didn't realize you were interested," Merlin said to buy a bit of time because this had been in his chest since he'd seen Arthur in the pub.

Arthur chuckled. "Come now, don't play daft." He took a few sips from his cup. "If he's still very much a thing for you, I'd just like to know before pinning any big hopes or any small hopes on that, really."

Merlin pulled at the tag of the teabag, then shifted and the clammy dampness of his trousers clung to his legs. "Sorry, have to get out of these," he said abruptly, the possibilities of Arthur in his bed and his life again. He shrugged out of the trousers there and then until he stood in his briefs, his shirt falling to just past his hips.

Arthur was staring, and Merlin didn't mind, really, just stood there for a few.

"You've changed."

"Better fucking hope, I have," Merlin gave back and skimmed a hand over his crotch, scratching at his stomach, Arthur's eyes never leaving him. For all the random shags Merlin managed to get every now and then, the craigslist hook-ups and shameful blowjobs behind the pub with blokes who didn't want trans but didn't mind standing still for a blowjob, it had been a while since someone had looked at Merlin and looked like he wanted to press him up to a wall and just snog him.

Merlin's heart beat double time. "Elyan's not, well, I'm not waiting for him. I think I did for a while, expected he'd turn around and come back, get his priorities straight-" Merlin laughed. "But that's been months."

"You're one hell of a hot bloke," Arthur said after a few moments and stepped closer until Merlin was able to smell the rain on him, some aftershave. Arthur skimmed his fingers up Merlin's thigh to the band of his briefs.

"Thanks," Merlin replied, tone dry, but his heart was beating high in his chest, fingers useless as they hung by your side. "The plumbing's all real now."

"Well gee, that changes my mind now," Arthur gave back, equally dry but he was grinning at least as he cuffed Merlin about the head.

"I'm freezing. I'm gonna pull on some bottoms now. That okay?"

"Here I thought I'd get to shag you blind." Arthur leaned across and pressed his lips to Merlin's. "I still want to shag you blind."

Merlin pushed himself up close to Arthur's body, everything in him hot and needing. "You're staying the night then? Not sure I have coffee for the morning."

"Tea for me, anyway." Arthur pulled away a bit, shrugged, and glanced at Merlin through his fringe. "It's up to you, I'm just a boy who is standing in front of-"

Merlin slapped him across the chest and Arthur started snort-laughing first, fingers hooked into the thigh band of Merlin's boxerbriefs. He let it snap back to Merlin's skin. Merlin watched the expression on Arthur's face, certainly felt the arousal low in his stomach.

"Have you changed?" Merlin asked, hand low on Arthur's stomach, just above the belt and waistband as he skimmed his knuckles up to Arthur's chest.

"Bit hairier," Arthur said. "Probably. And bigger and longer and-"

"Right."

"Seriously. Still curving though." Arthur chuckled and his gaze kept dipping down to Merlin's briefs, the outline of Merlin's cock in them, and Merlin _knew_ what he looked like, like this, enough hours spent in front of the mirror just staring at himself.

"I want to see that," Merlin replied quietly, flicking open the buttons of Arthur's shirt and Arthur let him, curling strand of hair peeking past the fabric soon enough. Merlin played his fingertips through the hair. "I like that."

"Bit more grown-up as well. Bit more me. Bit more the kind of bloke I'd hope someone would want."

"You're stealing my lines, you know," Merlin replied.

Then he opened more buttons all the way down to Arthur's belt and lower when Arthur pulled the shirt from his jeans until it fell open.

"Cold?" Merlin asked, skirting his fingers around Arthur's puckered nipples.

"Blazing hot for you," Arthur replied with enough cheese in his voice to drown them both.

Merlin stepped in close and hid his face in Arthur's shoulder, smothering his laugh in Arthur's skin. He turned his face and pushed it into the crook of Arthur's neck as his fingers played with Arthur's fly, trying valiantly to open the buttons until Arthur took pity on him.

"You're hard," Merlin said, fingers squeezing along Arthur's length, his own crotch pressing to Arthur's thigh.

"Yeah," Arthur replied, chuckling. "You?"

Merlin pushed Arthur's shirt off his shoulders, then took his hand and pulled it in close to his own body until Arthur's knuckles dragged along Merlin's length inside his briefs. "You'll have to-" Merlin laughed. "Well, squeeze it until it's hard."

"Fancy that, mine works the same," Arthur replied with a laugh.

Merlin pushed his fingers into Arthur's trousers and closed them around his cock, dragging his hand from bottom to tip.

"I'd like to see you, you know," Arthur said even as his hips pushed into the touch.

Merlin chuckled into his neck, kept up the slow strokes.

"Come on." Arthur pulled Merlin's hand from his trousers and moved back a little, looking about himself, then stepped out of his trousers and briefs, pulled off his socks, and sat on the bed amidst Merlin's blankets and pillow fortress, entirely naked.

"You're not bigger," Merlin said with a pointed look to Arthur's crotch.

Arthur let himself fall backward, chest heaving as he was laughing. The tea was probably getting too cold to enjoy now on the counter, a small puddle of water sat where the tea had dripped from the tag. Arthur was propped up on his elbows, looking at Merlin. The last few times Merlin had done this, he'd been dressed, the few times he hadn't been, it had been all in the dark and few of the men had looked at Merlin like that. Elyan, no one since then, not like that.

"Hey," Arthur said, spread his legs and gestured for Merlin to step between them. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot," he said as he closed his arms around Merlin's arse and then toppled them both.

Merlin faceplanted into the mattress, spluttering and laughing and pushing at Arthur.

"You smell different, you know," Arthur said, nose wriggling towards Merlin's armpit.

"You're such a perv," Merlin replied, laughing out loud as he tried to push Arthur away. Arthur just turned them both, Merlin onto his back and himself to lie half on top of him. "Usually the blokes I'm with don't know what I looked like before," Merlin said, rubbing a hand up his chest over the shirt.

"Bothers you that I do?"

Merlin tried to remember what he'd been like with tits and pussy and it was far enough away to be someone entirely different.

"I'm not a headcase," Merlin said and shoved at Arthur's shoulder, then grasped the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. "The scars used to look worse, they're pretty good now." He watched Arthur move first his fingers, then his lips along them before moving in to the nipples, sucking on them.

"Fuck, you're sure working out." Arthur slid his hand up from Merlin's chest to his shoulder, fingertips kneading at the muscles there.

"Gym. Work," Merlin replied. "You're doing the gym still?"

"When I'm not being a lazy bastard about it all. Or when I suddenly don't fit into my shirts anymore." Arthur sucked a kiss to the soft skin on the inside of Merlin's arm and Merlin shivered all the way down to his thighs, crotch pushing up hard against Arthur's hip. "Liking that, huh?"

Arthur sucked on a spot just a little bit lower, and Merlin felt that one curl through his stomach and settle there. Merlin tangled his fingers in Arthur's still stupid blonde pretty hair, carded through it and pulled on it until Arthur growled and they both laughed.

Merlin reached past Arthur and pushed his briefs out of the way, toed them off until they dropped down the side of the bed. Arthur shimmied downwards immediately. Merlin watched him, propped himself up on his elbows.

"That's pretty wicked," Arthur said as he lifted Merlin's dick from his thigh, turned it this way and that, squinting at it in the low light. He squeezed at the tip of it, then ran his fingers all the way to the base where the rest of the nerve endings still sizzled.

"Yeah, do that," Merlin said and reached down to place Arthur's thumb in just the right spot on the underside of his cock. Arthur caught on quickly enough and rubbed a small circle there that had Merlin tighten his grip on the sheets. "Fuck, that."

Merlin stretched a bit and grabbed the lube from the bedside table, tossed it down to Arthur.

"It's a bit stiff," Arthur commented. "How much can I- I won't break it, will I?" He cradled Merlin's dick in his hand like it was something his big man paws might crush any moment.

"I can fuck it into your arse, so it's fairly resilient," Merlin replied. He reached down again and pushed Arthur's fingers into a tight circle and moved them to the tip, madee his thumb circle around the pissslit. "Fully working, that one. Might just want to use lube if you're going to jerk me or-"

Merlin didn't get to finish before Arthur bent his head down and pressed his lips to the tip of Merlin's dick, sucking softly along the side of it and all the way down to the base. Merlin moved his hand from the sheets to the back of Arthur's head, holding on for dear life when Arthur closed his lips around the tip and took Merlin into his mouth, suckling. Arthur's tongue pressed up along the underside, holding Merlin's dick to the roof of his mouth, the lightest pressure of lips-covered teeth.

"Fuck," Merlin said, a bit breathy as he fell back flat on the bed. Arthur took him in deeper, fingers circled around the base of Merlin's dick as he took more of it into his mouth, then moved lower, rubbing over Merlin's balls inside their sack. When he pulled off, wet sounds and spluttering and laughter included Merlin released his hair and stroked up and down his dick himself.

Arthur was watching, intent, then ducked down to give the tip another kiss, another suck.

"When you, there's a pump, right," Merlin said and reached further for his balls, giving them a squeeze.

Arthur's laugh punched out of him, high and surprised and then just low and aroused. "How hard does it get?"

"Hard as it needs to be to drill into you," Merlin said and gave it another few squeezes until his dick stood erect.

Arthur pushed Merlin's hand out of the way and bent down to Merlin's dick again, sucking it as far down as he managed until the tip of Merlin's dick hit the back of his throat. Merlin reached for Arthur's hand that was vaguely rubbing through Merlin's pubes and between his thighs towards his arse and pushed his fingers to circle around the base of Merlin's dick. Arthur nodded amidst the noises, the spit slipping past his lips as he sucked and rubbed at Merlin's cock.

"You liking that, huh?" Merlin asked and moved his fingers back to the back of Arthur's head, the nape of his neck and down to broad shoulders, muscles contracting every time he went low. "Move around." Merlin pulled on Arthur's hair until Arthur pulled off, dazed look on his face. "Move around, idiot. I want to get to your dick."

Arthur stared dumbly down himself, his cock fully hard and leaking against his thigh, then he shuffled about until he was straddling Merlin's face. Merlin's hips jerked up the moment Arthur touched his lips to his cock again, and Merlin reached up for Arthur's dick, pushed and prodded at his hips enough until he could reach the head of Arthur's cock with his tongue, licking up precome. He pushed up to suck the head into his mouth, laving it with his tongue, and they both went deep at the same time. Arthur pushed his crotch down and Merlin pushed his up, and everything was sounds of sex and deep chest noises and laughter when Merlin pulled on Arthur's pubes and Arthur kicked out with his leg and caught Merlin in the face because he could.

"You like it?" Merlin asked at some point, face wet with spit, as he stroked his hand up Arthur's thigh to his arse.

Arthur pulled off and looked over his shoulder, smile splitting his face. His hand was still moving on Merlin's dick. "No," he said. "Downright hating every bit of it." Then he grinned and leaned forward again to take Merlin's dick in all the way.

***

If he didn't puke on anyone's shoes, Merlin would count this one as a success. Fuck too early on a Saturday, an hour of sleep and too much booze rolling in his body, and the chattering, far too chipper, friends of the bride were trying to make sure everything was just fine.

"Hate to say it, you look like shit, mate," Jake said to him as they both leaned against the side of the church, sipping water, slowly, so as not to upset anything. "Where did you crash last night?"

"Stevie's. Fuck, no idea how? We ended up at this pub and I had a few more and then headed to one of Dmitri's mates and they got out the bloody vodka at 4 or whatever time it was. Surprised he's walking. Fuck, surprised I'm walking."

"Chin up, mate." Jake slapped him on the shoulder.

"Fuck off," Merlin said under his breath but stumbled forward as everyone was assembling in front of the church, families and cars and a lot of children milling about.

"Good lad," Dmitri said when he saw him.

Merlin pulled him into a hug, praying he didn't stink of alcohol as much as he thought he must. "Time to face the rest of your life now?" he said into Dmitri's ear, still hugging, and squeezed him tight enough.

Dmitri nodded and the group moved into the church, everyone stubbing out their last fag before the big ceremony and got themselves seated. Merlin walked alongside Dmitri down the aisle and took his place up front. First the murmurs quietened and then the music started.

"She's stunning," Merlin said into Dmitri's ear, watching his wife-to-be walk up the aisle on her father's hand.

"Don't be getting ideas, mate," Dmitri gave back.

Merlin shook his head, smiling.

***

"I can't believe you didn't catch that one." Merlin pulled the roast out of the oven, poked at it with a fork, while his mum was watching from the doorway. He glanced over his shoulder. "Button was in lead up to the 40th lap and then he spun out of that sharp left."

His mum nodded, smiled, and for a moment they were caught between one of the silences and her going to hug him, but she just smiled and then went to set the table while Merlin bit his tongue to avoid filling even more of the house with his voice, rasping and deep, in ways his mum was still getting used to. Merlin caught himself laughing, caught his mother looking at him and glanced back down at the roast mash he was producing with the carving knife.

The village had been quiet, not unwelcoming, and the house still smelled the same it had years ago.

"It was nice to see Lewis win though, he's a nice one," his mum said, minutes later and Merlin laughed.

Merlin nodded. "The Wolfes' house down the road, what's happening to it?" He cut the roast into slices, feeling his mother following every move of his fingers as if he was still the clumsy, sulky sixteen year old.

"Ah, they moved out. She wanted to move closer to their grandkids in Bath."

The absence of grandkids in his mum's future, as far as Merlin was concerned, dangled between them for that long quiet moment until Merlin splattered the sauce over his shirt and the floor and they both burst into laughter.

When they were eating Merlin glanced out to the garden between bites. "Some of the lupines didn't take it well, hm?" he asked, craning his neck a bit to see better.

"I did everything you said I should but they still browned up and died on me."

"Might have been the placement. They can be a bit tricky with the sun. Can't be helped. You bought the rocks though?" Even on his weekend off his fingers were itching to do something on a much smaller scale and he thought the design over again he'd drawn up from scratch, simple enough but with the kind of detail that would work well in the rest of the garden.

"Will you have me install a lake next?"

"Not much into lakes," Merlin said when he finished up his food. "Really not into lakes."

They worked steadily through the afternoon, setting the rockplants in up to hopefull have a happy, half-shaded space in the corner of the garden, where his mum would see them when she dragged her chair out to the sun.

At the door, when Merlin's hands were comfortably covered in small scratches but clean, happy with the day's work, Merlin hesitated. "I'll bring Arthur next time." He paused. "Arthur from, well, the same Arthur."

His mum startled enough to throw him back to an earlier time, the first mention of his sexlife since Arthur last time around.

"He wants to see you again," Merlin added. "And I, well, yeah."

"I'm looking forward to it," his mum replied and said goodbye with a hug, pulling him tight enough that this felt like home again.

***

"Dull is something else," Merlin said, moderately hung over and quite happy to stay curled into the covers with the phone on his cheek, threatening to slide off and disappear completely any moment. "It's fuck all early."

"Rise and shine," Arthur said on the other end of the phoneline.

"Tosser." Merlin curled up tighter, yawning his alcohol breath into the pillow. "Thought you were busy this weekend."

"I am, yes, later." Arthur slurped. "I figured I'd use the only chance I might get this weekend to call you."

"Stuff it." Merlin shoved his face into the pillow and tried to remember what happened the night before, if he made an arse of himself and what the chances were of him still being plastered now. "Sleep."

"Were you out last night?"

"Trans thing. Party thing. Fuck." Merlin pulled his pillow over his head and the phone and closed his eyes again.

"I haven't heard you say that in a long time." Arthur huffed, then slurped his drink right in Merlin's ear.

"What, party?" Everything in Merlin's head hurt and everything in his stomach tried to manuever its way out towards his throat. "Joke. Not doing shit often anymore. Once a year. Maybe. Less."

"Your syllables make me want to shag you."

"Piss off."

"I remember when you couldn't shut up about it."

Merlin rolled over on his other side, shifting everything with him. "Thought you were fine with it."

"I was until it was everywhere. And all about you. All the time. You texted me every time someone called you sir or lad or mate and towards the end I was making this face at the phone every time it happened." Arthur stopped. "Well, you can't see my face but it was this face I'm making right now."

"Blowing me kisses?"

Arthur laughed, low and amused over the phone. "It's easier now, being with you," he said. "I'm not going to lie though, I kind of miss you looking at dicks and asking me which one I prefer."

"The biggest one, obviously," Merlin replied and laughed when Arthur chuckled on the other end of the line.

"Obviously."

***

Merlin's arms were hurting like a bitch after a day of cutting down branches with a chainsaw over his head. With the rain and the wind, autumn was well on its way and he'd slipped into track suit bottoms and hoodie as soon as he'd got home, pulled on some warm socks and forewent the beer for a tea.

He laughed at the comedy on the telly whenever he caught a joke amidst browsing the net, checking some of the message boards he was still a member of, watching baby trans guys fumbling their way through insecurities and messaging with the people he'd met years ago.

 _Going this year?_ Jason had asked in private message, and Merlin scrolled through the programme for the conference as he yawned into his tea, debated the hundred something pounds versus a weekend of seeing some old mates.

 _Arthur's off around that time so we might go on holidays or whatever_ , he replied back but bookmarked the page.

 _We painted Gockles' room_ , Arthur's last Facebook update read, then a few photos of him and his flatmates covered in paint, the rest of the flat outside the room not looking much better.

The Skype call on his computer came through when he was contemplating a quick wank and lights out for the night, but Elyan's name and photo flashed across the screen.

"Yeah?" Merlin said, stretching for some headphones.

"Merlin? Hey-" Elyan was grinning at the camera and waved.

The pictures arrived on Merlin's screen in stuttering stops-and-starts. He laughed out loud when the image froze on a particularly unflattering pose before it caught up again.

"I see you," Merlin said, clearing all sleepiness from his throat. "Where are you? The connection's shit."

"New Zealand. I just got up and figured I might catch you on this."

Elyan's picture froze on a smile, and Merlin missed him, just then, missed the months they'd spend together talking about all the things to see in the world.

"You did. How's New Zealand?" Merlin asked as he sat back on the couch.

"New Zealand? Yeah, it's good, it's good. Lots of nature and we - bloke I met in Sydney? - and this fella we ran across here? - We got this house - the owner's letting it have us for not much and we're- I'm working in this bar, real surfer type of joint. It's crazy, Merlin, it's crazy out here. Different like nothing compared to England- Birmingham."

Elyan's looked off camera for most of it, his voice animated and wild as it burst from Merlin's headphones into his flat, gone midnight and everything else quiet out there.

"How long are you staying?" Merlin asked. He played with the cord of the headphones, tried to come up with something more inspiring, something more personal but Elyan was already on telling him about a day by the beach and Merlin sat back and listened to the kind of life he chose not to have.

"I sent your stuff to your dad's," Merlin said into a pause in the conversation. "The flag and the albums and all that."

"Fine, yeah," Elyan replied. He hesitated then looked at the camera. "You'd like it here."

Merlin laughed, the bit of heartache breaking up into tiny shards that passed out through his skin easily enough. "Probably would, but I'm good here. Still."

Elyan gave an exaggerated sigh. "Figures. You seeing anyone now, in rainy old Birmingham? And I say seeing not shagging because you like the look of them."

Merlin smiled, unsure if the camera was picking it up or not and sending it halfway around the world. "Yeah."

The static flowed between them for a few moments until Elyan smiled, a bit off-camera. "Didn't expect that." His breath rasped past the microphone a bit loud. "Hope he's not some arse who's gonna run off to see the world." His voice caught on the sounds a bit before steadying out into a self-deprecating laugh.

Merlin chuckled, wished he could have Elyan here right now for a hug and a way to catch up in real time without all this technology and the whole planet between them. "Don't think he will. He can be a right tosser sometimes though, no worries, I know how to pick them."

"You'll have to send me a pic, surely I deserve to see who's got you now."

"Your dick's bigger, no worries," Merlin replied and they both laughed then quieted as Elyan told more about the people he'd met and the things he'd seen in places Merlin would likely never visit. No regrets though, never.

***

"Drag your sorry arse out Monday," Merlin said with a nod to Alex.

Alex sipped his water and flipped him off as Merlin collected his backpack and jacket. "I'll call you on site."

"Been watching the forecast? Looks like we'll be wading through the shit again to get to the bushes. More's the reason I'll be cozy in the office."

Merlin rolled his eyes, shook Geoffrey's hand and gave Alex another nod goodbye, then left the office to allow the two of them to talk paperwork and business Merlin wasn't particularly interested in. He took the tube halfway across town, feeling out of place in his not so nice jeans and the t-shirt between people in suits and with purses. London was muggy and sticky and as Merlin trudged through the streets and got turned around, then trudged through others, and London wasn't really all he'd dreamed of a few years ago.

Past the next corner, Merlin dodged a group of up and coming young people as he glanced down at the map he'd printed out, then finally ducked into the right building.

This one wasn't much like the uni up in Newcastle but bits and pieces were exactly the same. He stood by the courtyard for a few moments, watching everyone mill and chat and laugh, and wondered if he'd missed out on something great here. A minute later he pushed away and went in search of the room, not sure when he'd grown up to be this much older.

Arthur was on the phone, glancing out through the window as he talked, hands animated. Merlin glanced down the corridor but with no students waiting around he knocked and pushed the door open.

Arthur's face morphed from confusion to surprise to the biggest smile. Merlin pushed a finger to his lips and settled on the chair at the side, alternately flipping through a career advice leaflet and watching Arthur finish his call.

"Anything I can do to help?" Arthur asked eventually, leaning back in his chair.

Merlin smiled. "I'm good," he replied, chuckling. "I was in the city. I'd have texted you but you're right shit at reading them."

"Occasionally." Arthur shuffled a few papers to the side.

Merlin nodded, glanced around the office: random books and folders, neat stacks of paper on his desk and a green plant in the window. Enough of Arthur to shine through, not enough to clutter the space with everything he was. "Shot in the dark to come here, just thought we'd have a few pints." Even as Merlin's hands got clammy with residual nerves, he just slouched back in the chair, watched Arthur watching him.

"Last I remember you'd have thrown me a Stella, when did you get romantic? "

"When you grew up to be a wanker." Merlin rolled his eyes and stood. "My train's going at 8 tomorrow." He left it hanging. "Assuming you don't have plans."

Arthur grinned, shrugged as he stood and stretched. "If you're good with my less than stellar sheets."

Merlin rolled his eyes but couldn't stop the smile from slipping onto his face. Their phone calls every other day when Merlin was near asleep weren't quite enough to make up for Arthur's fingers on his skin and the stupid non-conversations they had when staring at the same ceilings.

"Your flat far from here?" Merlin stood aside when Arthur collected his jacket and locked his door, then led the way from the university.

"You sound desperate," Arthur said with a chuckle and nodded at a few students passing by.

Merlin's gaze was caught by the open courtyard again.

"Are you sure you don't want to give it another try?" Arthur jostled against Merlin's shoulder.

As that was one of those 'greener grass way past that fence' things, Merlin was happy to shake his head. "Just not made to read and recite random shit, I think. Looks fun, but just standing here I'm itching to do something." With the travel to London the day had been spent on uncomfortable office chairs watching the few splashes of nature the city had to offer from behind glass. "You'd ride my arse too hard besides."

"You like it though."

Merlin rubbed his hands over his eyes and turned to Arthur with a grin. "Your puns are well shit, mate."

London was less intimidating and foreign with Arthur combing through the throngs of people until a side street and another side street took them to Arthur's flat. Merlin shifted his backpack higher on his shoulder, bouncing it against Arthur's side who shoved back until they were tussling and out of breath as Arthur stopped them.

"I don't think the others are home, actually." They climbed up the stairs, Merlin following behind. "Make sure you close the-" Arthur began to say, then closed the door himself as soon as Merlin slipped through.

"You've better bought some milk, Pimples, or someone will tie your balls into a noose," a voice shouted from the other room.

"Or maybe they are," Arthur said, grinning at Merlin as he crouched and picked up the kitten that was sniffing Merlin's shoes and the door crack alternately. "This is him. Now you tell me again you'd have just left this one."

Merlin tugged at the cat's ear and left Arthur to coo to it to push off his shoes instead.

"No milk, sorry," Merlin said, when the flatmate glanced around the corner.

He got a 'Fair enough,' in reply. Merlin walked through the sitting room to glance out through the window, a bunch of houses and a bit of pavement, then leaned against it. "You got beer here? No need to throw it to the sods out there."

Being in a different place sat a bit uneasy in Merlin's chest, he liked the familiarity of his own flat, but Arthur just walked over and pushed the cat into his arms before he disappeared down the corridor.

"You're a right tosser," Merlin shouted after him but held the kitten to his chest anyway, carding his fingers through its fur before it decided for both their sakes to get as far away as possible and disappeared in one of the corners, never to be seen again.

"Whatever happened to that bit of park?" Arthur asked as he came back, handing Merlin one of the bottles. He plopped down on the couch. Merlin settled across from him. "You said there were issues with permissions?"

"The ownership on that one patch is unclear so we have this rectangle, a good 200 by 500 yards maybe that we technically aren't allowed to touch..." Merlin laughed as he chugged down the beer, remembering his well-executed 'whoops' face when Alex had dropped by for a stint of actual work. "Don't give much of a toss really if the owner wants it all wild grown, it's not going to happen so long it's part of the public space."

The cat crawled out of hiding when they were on their second beer and the flatmates both stopped by for a few minutes of conversation before they went out, leaving the flat to Arthur and Merlin. The grey evening light filtered into the flat between them.

Merlin picked up his bottle and walked across to Arthur's seat, kicked his toes against the inside of Arthur's ankle.

"Yeah?" Arthur leaned back, head on the back of the couch.

"You coming up next weekend?" Arthur scrunched up his eyes and forehead for his extreme thinking pose. "Don't be a dick," Merlin added and wandered off to the DVDs, looking to see what was there besides the het porn and the indie boxsets. "The porn yours?"

"Some of it, the rest is still at my dad's."

"Perv." Merlin chuckled and moved on to the music and the books that sad in haphazard stacks around the flat.

"I'll try to make it up Friday evening, fingers crossed there won't be a meeting scheduled last minute. Plans?"

Merlin shook his head. "Should I make some? Lance would probably drag you to the game if you let him."

"Wouldn't mind that. He gets intense." Arthur drank from his beer. "You done investigating my life?"

"Haven't made it to your room yet," Merlin replied, then laughed when Arthur just gestured down the corridor. Merlin walked over to Arthur and stopped in front of him, carding his fingers through Arthur's hair, tugging at the strands.

"Approve?"

Merlin thumbed at Arthur's lips. "Your teeth are still fucked up," he said.

"Charming."

"Pretty much." Merlin leaned down and kissed Arthur, through taste of beer and the fuzziness in his head and the grey darkness in the flat that was everything Arthur had become when Merlin hadn't been around to watch. "You're still so fucking perfect." Merlin held Arthur's chin between thumb and index finger, then kissed him again.

"You're still as daft." Arthur pulled at the front of Merlin's shirt, then let it go and stood, catching Merlin's lips as he pushed past him.

"You want the rest of your beer?" Merlin grabbed the bottle just in case and trailed after Arthur, past walls lined with shoes, coat hangers and book shelves.

The window in Arthur's room stretched down near to the floor and opened to the garden. Arthur turned on the light and drew the curtains as Merlin leaned against the doorframe, bottle resting against his thigh. Merlin stepped into the room behind Arthur and grabbed the pair of boxers off the floor and stuffed them into his pocket.

"You're an idiot," Arthur said. He watched Merlin as Merlin sat on the bed and set his beer on Arthur's desk.

Merlin grasped his shirt by the bottom and pulled it over his head, then reached down and began to undo his belt. Arthur pulled off his shirt and shoved down his jeans. He stepped between Merlin's legs, and before Merlin had much time to direct him, his fingers moved across Merlin's chest and down to his waist, tangling with Merlin's as he tried to undo the buttons on Merlin's jeans.

"Got condoms?" Merlin asked and flicked the buttons open, pushing out of his jeans as Arthur's moved to straddle his thighs. "Would you let me-" Merlin began and then just pushed Arthur with a shoulder to Arthur's chest, ignoring the madman's maniacal laughing and the pillow against the back of his head. He struggled out of his jeans and moved up higher on the bed, dragging Arthur down just enough by his thigh, then arm to kiss him, hand moving down his chest to his boxers and inside. "Fuck, you're hard up."

"Smug bastard," Arthur replied but he moved his hips to grind his cock against Merlin's palm, pulled Merlin down on top of him fully until Merlin's weight pressed his thigh to Arthur's crotch. Arthur bucked up against that and shifted his own thigh against Merlin's crotch.

Arthur's skin was hot under Merlin's hands. Arthur was breathing just past Merlin's ear, those hitching, half moaning sounds that went right to Merlin's cock.

"Condom for your cock or mine?" Merlin asked when his fingers tangled in the longer hair at the back of Arthur's head, keeping Arthur's face buried against Merlin's shoulder as Merlin rode up against him until they overbalanced and ended in a random heap almost off the bed.

"Yours." Arthur laughed, fucking blushed. "Yours. You can, right? It's not going to break it?"

"Might." Merlin rolled his eyes. "Unlikely but it can happen and have the cylinders stick out through-"

"Don't be a dick," Arthur cut him off, then rolled them around until he had Merlin on his back and was kissing him, hot tongue and breath and lips, a bit sloppy, a bit beer flavoured, as his hand pushed into Merlin's briefs and rubbed along Merlin's cock.

Merlin wormed his hand back into Arthur's boxers and they moved against each other, Arthur's hips knocking against Merlin's every now and then, teeth catching on lips. Arthur pulled away with a final suck to Merlin's lower lip, his jawline, his shoulder and leaned over to his bedside table as Merlin pushed down his briefs and palmed himself, watching the muscles move under Arthur's skin.

As Arthur had the condom wrapper between his teeth Merlin pulled down his boxers and pulled Arthur's cock free, stroking it, watched it harden and felt it pulse in his hand.

"I used to be so fucking jealous of this. Still am, maybe," he said because that was still there inside his chest, knowing he'd never spurt come out of his cock, knowing it'd never harden naturally like this, that it would never be real.

Merlin trailed his fingers along the curve of Arthur's cock as it filled out completely, shifted the foreskin back to bare the tip. He leaned down and sucked on it, smiled around the head in his mouth when Arthur's fingers tangled in his hair, stroked along the nape of his neck. When Merlin looked up, the condom wrapper was still stuck between Arthur's lips, condom flopping between Arthur's fingers.

Merlin raised an eyebrow at him and pulled off, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth as he took the condom from Arthur. Arthur was leaning across for the lube, got some on his fingers and reached behind himself to push them up his arse when Merlin pumped up his dick and rolled the condom on.

Arthur watched him and he watched Arthur, fingers tightening on his dick every now and again when Arthur's eyes fluttered shut for a moment and he focused on the fingers inside him. The muscles of his thighs and stomach clenched and relaxed as he pushed back on his fingers and Merlin leaned across and kissed him, brushing the condom wrapper aside as he fitted his hand around the back of Arthur's head and pulled him in.

"I remember doing it for you, the way you were all hot inside. Just wanted to feel that, with my cock, wanted to push deep and have you feel me, have it be me who is getting you all the way open." Arthur moaned against Merlin's lips and Merlin dipped his head lower, sucked on the skin of Arthur's neck. "Never thought I'd get that, that I'd have a dick to fuck you with."

"You going to put it in or talk?"

"Wanker. Was talking you right up to it." He grinned at Arthur who looked half aroused and half stupid with his hair sticking up and his boxers still caught around his knees. Merlin moved around him, behind him, and dragged his thumb over Arthur's hole when Arthur pulled his fingers free. He slathered some more lube over his cock and when Arthur put his head down and his arse up, he lined up and slowly pressed himself into Arthur. Instant heat and tightness and the pulse of Arthur's body in a tight ring around his cock, amplifying his own pulse endlessly, enveloped him, went through him. He pushed in slowly, insistently, only pausing when Arthur reached back for his hip and stopped him, exhaling harshly through it.

"It's real," Arthur said, clenching his arse.

Merlin moved his hands over Arthur's back, thumbs mapping the lines of his shoulderblades, the bumps down his spine, the curve of the muscle around his ribcage. When Arthur's death grip on his hip eased, he pushed in deeper until he sat flush against the curve of Arthur's arse. As he bent forward, sucking little marks and kisses, and the pieces of affection Arthur had damn well better not tease him for later, to Arthur's skin he heard Arthur pant, felt the wild beat of his heart just under his chest.

"Better than a dildo?" Arthur asked, turning his face towards Merlin, a bit of strain around his eyes but the stupidest, widest smile around his lips. He clenched his arse and relaxed it again and then relaxed when Merlin pulled back a little and thrust back in, bottoming out again as he rolled his hips in a tight circle.

"Yeah," Merlin bit out. He was searching for a quip in his head, something stupid he could say, but he pressed his face to the crook of Arthur's neck, breathed in and breathed out again and found a slow rhythm to fuck Arthur with. He drank up Arthur's sounds, every quiver of his body and the way it resonated in his own, the way it made him feel better and hotter and turned him on like little else. "Good?"

"Yeah." Arthur turned for a kiss but it ended sloppy and against Merlin's cheek, the next one did little better. "Let me- let me move like-" Arthur said and pulled off of Merlin for a moment and rolled half on his back, half on his side. He shifted his leg up and pulled his cheeks apart, and Merlin moved in closer and pushed his cock back into Arthur. "Come here now," Arthur said, and pulled Merlin down by his shoulder, kissed him properly now. "I was down with dildos but this is better," he said with one big exhale before nipping at Merlin's jaw again.

From the corner of his eye Merlin saw Arthur's hand on his dick, heard the slick slide of skin on skin. He couldn't stop touching him, chest and arms and stomach, down to his pubes and balls and thighs, sliding over Arthur's hand around, just mapping him.

"You good, yeah? Yeah." Merlin went faster, setting a rhythm that had them both sliding on the blankets, Arthur's face getting squashed under the pillows before Merlin rescued him from near suffocation, cheeks pink and splotchy and eyes wide and stupid words on his lips that Merlin kissed away before they were out there.

"Going to come while I'm in you," Merlin said, and he braced himself on the bed and thrust into Arthur, pulled back and pushed back into him hard, his hipbones knocking against Arthur's arse, as he was looking for that last bit, the last tiny bit of pressure and need. Arthur was looking back at him, eyes wide and watching his face with his freaky penchant for watching Merlin come. Arthur was brushing at Merlin's hair, tracing across his eyebrows and down his nose and along his cheekbones and Merlin leaned down and away again, hid his face against Arthur's shoulderblade and pushed in once, twice more, then came, waves pushing through him, pulse hard and high and everything being good and hard and right there at once.

Every little aftershock had Merlin thrust deeper again and stay inside the heat as Arthur's hand was working harder on his own dick. Merlin pulled out, ignoring Arthur's protests, slipped down just enough to push Arthur's hand away and suck on the side of Arthur's dick, slick with precome, hot. Arthur's fingers on his head, getting the mess everywhere, Merlin sucked Arthur down, cheeks hollowed and a few seconds, not much more, and Arthur was coming into Merlin's mouth, aborted scream and all, and if Merlin could have fistpumped right then he would have. He swallowed some of the come, let the rest slip out from between his legs and over Arthur's cock and onto the sheets. He rested his head on Arthur's thigh and kept his fingers curled loosely around Arthur's cock, watching it twitch in his hand, and shrink a bit, getting softer and back to its paler pink as Arthur was panting above him and then subsided into the occasional sigh and moan and sex-fucked noise that he was brilliant at.

Merlin reached between his legs and deflated himself, then pulled off the condom, before he slid up on the bed to lie next to Arthur.

"Mind blown?" Merlin asked, watched Arthur track every movement he made.

"Just a fuck," Arthur gave back.

"Best fuck you ever had."

Arthur yawned, chuckled. "Maybe thirteenth? Fourteenth? Not sure."

"Wanker." Merlin rolled his eyes. "Absolute tosser, you are." He watched Arthur a while longer, eyelashes and lips and all.

***

Autumn was already settling in to be a bit of a bitch. The moment it started still being dark out when Merlin caught the bus to their office was the moment he wanted to fastforward through the next six months and ignore that winter would happen at some point. He got himself a tea as soon as he walked in through the front door, waiting for the water to boil with little patience, then made his way through to Alex's office at the back, nodding hello to Gillian manning the phones.

"Already tired of this season now," Merlin muttered as he settled against the rickety table to the side of the office, the two fold out chairs not looking any more inviting. He'd stayed up much too late on the phone with Arthur, feeling each other out about who they even were and how much they still were the people they'd been.

"You and me both, love," Alex said from behind his desk, looking a little like death spewed out again. "Bloody Monday mornings."

"Any morning," Merlin added. "What's the plan, are we moving out to Edgbaston today?"

"You'll collect the lads as soon as they get their sorry arses here. It's a routine clean-up. We're still talking to whoever owns this bit here," Alex said as he moved his fingers over the map. Merlin glanced up from his cup of tea but didn't step closer, only nodded for Alex to go on. "I'd still suggest holding off on doing anything about it for now."

"Will look pretty shit to leave it."

"You're leaving it."

Merlin shrugged. "It'll look like someone, like _we_ , couldn't be arsed to clean up a hefty bit of that park."

"Leave it. We don't have the permissions to touch it."

"Fuck's sake." Merlin shook his head and glared down at his tea. Ultimately he'd be the one standing out there taking care of things. He waved his hand in Alex's general direction until Alex handed him some copies of the maps. "Anything else before I head out into the night?"

"Geoffrey called." Alex leaned against his desk then looked back at Merlin when Merlin looked at him. "He said I could head a division down in London, if I wanted."

"You?"

"Yeah." Alex laughed. "Loopy old man, must be seeing something here. If I'm not going he'll ask you, you know."

Merlin thought of Arthur's flat in London, the flatmates, Arthur first and foremost. "So are you going or not?" he bit out, a bit on the harsh and sleep-deprived side.

"No idea."

"That what the meeting was about though?"

"Fucked if I know what goes on inside the man's head. Your bloke's down in London, yeah?"

Merlin shrugged, startled out of the idea of walking down London's streets for a daily thing. "Yeah, but don't-" Merlin waved his hands in lieu of words because _don't take me into account_ or _it's not like that yet, really_ all didn't sit quite right. "Bit partial to Birmingham, me," he said, quietly, and Alex held his gaze for a while, eyebrows raised, but Merlin shrugged it off, grinned. "Who knows where he's at, really. Posh tosser that he is he'll probably stay down in London forever."

***

Arthur had dressed down before getting on the train, even did a swirl and dance past the turnstiles as he walked towards Merlin to show off tight jeans and shirt.

"They wouldn't have kicked you out for coming in with a tie," Merlin said as he pulled Arthur in for a kiss hello.

"I'd have kicked myself out for that. When did I ever wear a tie?" Arthur laughed when Merlin made to answer and shoved at him before he shifted his backpack higher on his shoulder.

Birmingham was teasing at sun off towards the west, but rain was still falling heavily when they exited the station. Merlin eyed Arthur's umbrella but ducked under it eventually before Arthur could joke about macho behaviour. They fell into step, not quite matching but trying valiantly to avoid jarring one another too much, until Merlin hooked his fingers into Arthur's backpocket.

"Quiet coach not so quiet again?" Merlin asked as they waited for the light.

"Every week." Arthur laughed. "You'd think that I'd expect someone having their most important phone meeting in the same carriage by now, but it's the same pleasant surprise every time. Has your day been okay?"

"We finished up some maintenance, but starting on the next big project that Alex pulled in, no idea how - can't be sweet talking, twat wouldn't know how to charm his own nan - anyway, starting on that Monday. Lance is cooking."

Arthur plopped down in the seat next to Merlin's when the bus pulle away after they'd got on. "If it's anything like last time, I hope there's football on to spice it up."

"Tosser," Merlin muttered and rolled his eyes. "I cooked it last time."

Arthur chuckled and glanced outside the window to watch Birmingham brushing past. Merlin watched him for a while, fidgeting on the hard plastic seats, circles under his eyes but grinning like a loon when he pointed out that he'd made it out on the first train after work for practically the first time.

"You cost me a pint with that," Merlin replied and knocked his knee to Arthur's. "The lads went on about my missus being a bit of a sulky bitch."

"Because I texted you?"

"Demanding my presence at the station, yeah." Merlin grinned. "Ball and chain and all." They spent most fridays taking the piss now when Merlin tried to surreptiiously read the texts.

Arthur shrugged, still smiling at the passing town. "You'll never live it down when I call you at work, honey, and show off my strapping, butch self at birthday dos."

The bus pulled up at the stop, saved by the bell, as Arthur's words resonated with Merlin. The rain was letting up a bit and Merlin only pulled up his hood as he walked next to Arthur's umbrella'd self towards Lance's and Percival's.

"Hm?" Merlin shook his head. "You'd be a right tosser about it, too." They'd not exactly talked 'future', only existed from one weekend to the next and Merlin didn't mind that enough to upset the balance with any great plans.

They plodded up the stairs one after the other, shaking off the cold rain, then fell into hugs and hellos at the door.

"Someone's on time for a change," Lance said, eyebrows raised and Arthur just huffed as he put his coat on the hanger.

Beer in hands they stood around the kitchen, Merlin leaned against the kitchen table, Arthur opposite him, their feet touching.

"I didn't catch the game," Merlin said as he leaned across and stole some pepper from the salad. "I was on the phone when he was watching though and it was all groans and moans and cussing about bullshit ref'ing."

"You hung up."

Merlin shrugged and joined in with the laughter. "At some point, I didn't at-"

"I was telling him something about, I don't know, work, sharing my plight and then the signal came on."

"How's work?" Merlin asked Lance, watching him chop some more stuff and drop it in the soup, giving the whole thing a stir. "Still fucked up?"

"Settling," Lance replied. "Still fucked up but settling a bit now that they're done restructuring the office." He raised his voice a little. "Are we going to eat then?"

Merlin grabbed one of the plates and held it out to be filled, taking a spoon from the drawer as he settled back against the table. The others did the same, trying balancing plates on palms and dunking bread with the other hand.

"My mum wants to see you," Merlin said, knocking lightly against Arthur's shin. "Promised her months ago but kept putting it off because, I don't know, work and then you were busy. We'll have to make it over to hers. Christmas, or some such. Maybe not Christmas. Sometime. And Christmas."

"Fine." Arthur nodded. "You'll know it'll be horrendous catching a train back with the weather."

"Horrendous catching a bus half across town, even," Percival threwn in.

"No shit." Merlin groaned. "Took me an hour to get out to this school for a meeting with the board, all official, all requesting the services when we could have done it over the phone."

Christmas was still a couple months off, and Merlin watched Arthur, watched for him to be startled into making plans and tucking everything up tight into this package, but Arthur just smiled back at him.

"Did you get your shower fixed this week?" Arthur asked as Lance and Percival talked about their neighbours or shopping or something inevitably domestic. "Last week was a bit of a torture there."

"It's still shit."

"Nice." Arthur laughed.

Merlin dunked his bread and bit off a healthy chunk, chewing in Arthur's face until Arthur stuck his tongue out at him and went back to eating.

***

Merlin declined the fag Alex was holding out to him, and sipped on his tea instead. Arthur would be late coming in with those few flakes of snow and mud throwing the British train system into disarray. Merlin buried deeper into the hood and shifted his weight on the spot, squishing his boots through the mess on the ground.

"They'll give you hell," Alex said, puffing out some smoke, hand buried deep in his pocket.

"They'll come crying to you and call London every five minutes, just wait." Merlin watched them from the path, the team spread across the grass. Laughter drifted over from the far deep as they tried to dunk one another's head in the muddy snow before Alex whistled sharply and they flipped him off but got back to work. "Think you'll like London?"

"Liked what I've seen. I have to say, I was surprised you weren't interested. Could've bagged that one and walked off with it."

"I'd miss this place." Merlin shrugged, toed at the stones lining the path. "Pretty shit place to miss, I know, but London's not me."

"Could grow to be you."

"Piss off." Merln laughed. "You enjoy it down there. Better not give me hell over how I run this joint."

"Part of the job description." Alex pushed away from the stack of paving stones. "I'm out of here. I'll see you in a couple months when I come inspect the office."

"Fuck me," Merlin replied. "You'll be a right wanker about this, eh?"

"You bet."

Alex pulled him into a hug, clapped his shoulder, then turned and walked off towards the park's gates, giving some of the lads a wave as he left. Merlin set his tea aside and pulled on his gloves again before he waded across the grassy hill to one of the teams trying to take down a tree.

"Get in from the other side," he shouted at their ineffective struggle with too much weight.

One of them whistled.

"Piss off," Merlin laughed, and moved the lad around to where he needed him, showing him how to use much less muscle for the same effect.

***

Graham Norton was playing on the telly downstairs, part of the Beeb's nostalgia programming for the good old times, and the audience laughter filtered up through the house. Merlin's mum had shooed them out of the kitchen because, as she'd said, they just made her nervous standing about.

"Someone's been keeping this tidy," Arthur said as he stepped into Merlin's room behind Merlin, both of them a bit sloshed on cheap champagne and the not quite as awkward conversation. Merlin's mum had asked about their plans for the future and they'd looked at each other and shrugged. That explained it all.

Merlin stopped just inside the door, glancing at the computer on his desk and the flower duvet on his bed, chuckling. "Shit, it does look the same though," he said, trying to put himself into Arthur's shoes here. He crossed the room to the window and crawled onto the bed to open it up, looked down at the garden behind the house, a faint trace of muddy snow over the flower beds and the grass. When he turned to look over his shoulder, Arthur stood at the wardrobe opposite, looked at some of the photos, some of the older posters, films and once-hip art prints, Merlin's college schedule from his final year.

"I guess we'll squeeze into that then," Arthur asked. "It's not as if we have any chance of catching a train back past six tonight." He walked across to Merlin and sat on the bed next to him, drew his palm down Merlin's thigh from arse to knee to calves as he leaned back against the wall, head coming to rest just under the window sill. He glanced up at Merlin, eyes a bit fuzzy, corners of his lips pulled up into a smile.

"We'll make do," Merlin said.

Arthur shrugged and let his head tip sideways, face squashed against Merlin's thigh as Merlin slid his fingers to the back of Arthur's neck, playing with the short hair there.

Laughter rang out at another particularly funny joke and Merlin snorted along with it, trying to keep all the memories at bay. "Feels like nothing's changed, you know." He glanced out at the room behind him, the bed under him and he wouldn't be surprised to find his collection of dildos, dicks and vibrators still stuffed under the mattress.

"This has," Arthur said and pressed his head between wall and Merlin, squashed his face against Merlin's crotch and nuzzled into it

"Idiot." Merlin burst out laughing and pushed him away as he scooted backward on the bed until he sat against the headboard.

"Your dick is calling my name," Arthur continued, looking mock earnest as he crawled after Merlin. "Impeccable enunciation."

"Piss off." Merlin couldn't keep the grin off his face, the laughter settling in his stomach without ever coming quite out. "Didn't know it could talk."

"It's special. Only talks to special people," Arthur replied, always a bit soppy when he got pissed. He sat back across from Merlin, leaning against the footboard, and grasped one of Merlin's feet, pushing his thumb up along its sole. His stupid-face quietened to a smile.

"Yeah?" Merlin asked, looking back at the posters and his room and trying not to be sucked into everything being less than stellar all those years ago, who he had been, who he was now.

"Pretty much." Arthur shrugged. "It likes me. Makes me feel special. Especially when it pushes all the way-"

Merlin grabbed one of the pillows and threw it at Arthur's head, laughing at Arthur's outraged splutter and let Arthur tackle him, half on and half off the bed.

"You're such a wanker," Merlin said, Arthur pressed all the way along his front, chest to chest and crotch to crotch.

The Graham Norton audience laughed as Merlin tried to steal a kiss and Arthur pulled away. Then they wrestled until the duvet and pillows were strewn across the floor and they sat in the middle of it, the house quieter.

"Now it looks more like your old room," Arthur said, satisfied grin on his face as he scooted back to sit against the desk, forearms resting on his knees. Merlin watched Arthur watching him, feeling self-conscious for all of that one moment until Arthur motioned him in closer then pulled him to stand between his legs. Arthur had to crane his head back to look up at him.

"Yeah?" Merlin asked, nudging Arthur's thigh with his toes.

"Nothing." Arthur grinned. "Just enjoying the view."

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Merlin **Paperlegends** Big Bang 2011.  
>  Art by **martinius** : [soundart](http://martinius.livejournal.com/178229.html)


End file.
